The Power of Making a Choice

  I have been struggling a lot this week. I have a child that has been in such a dark place for a long time. Slowly things have been better and seemingly more hopeful but this week there was deep disappointment for me and grief too. I felt exhausted which is how my body responds often to something that feels to hard to manage.

  I don't have the luxury of just laying in bed or checking out on many levels. Yesterday my family went for a hike and it was not something I wanted to do. However I knew that it would be the best thing for me. No matter if I go somewhere with my family or not it always involves prep and work on my part. Everyone needs proper clothing and foot wear and snacks and drinks etc. By the time everyone leaves I am worn out from repeating myself, and trying to account for everyone's needs. It just takes so much for some reason. We got out the door and headed up to the lake and mountain and I felt like I was having a panic attack. It was just so brutal. My body was in full blown overwhelm. When we arrived at the hike it promptly started pouring rain and we were not prepared with rain gear. 

  As we walked along uphill, muscles burning, my two year old in a tutu, the panic started to drift away. The moss draped the branches of the trees like cloaks, the ferns thickly covered the hillsides and water gurgled along in a little creek. This specific hike has teapots and tea cups hidden amongst the beauty everywhere and it is a treasure hunt for any child with any sort of appreciation for beauty and whimsy. My children were enraptured and clambering up steep sides of the trail to count and find and explore. They were so happy. 

  The older children ran ahead and disappeared. As we went higher and higher and were almost to the top the rain started to pour down. It didn't take long until we were soaked. I had brought sweaters for the younger children and ended up carrying my youngest a good ways down the mountain. The rain was pouring, the green was vibrant, and the air was cool and refreshing. During the last bit of trail it was just my seven year old and I walking alone. She was cold and wet but also she remarked how much she was appreciating that it was just the two of us together.  We went home and had hot chocolate and everyone took warm showers and it was the perfect chance for my body to process a bit and to keep moving forward. 

  I had to choose to do this, and that is the key. So often I have observed that people make choices to stay the same,  or to choose something hurtful or harmful for their bodies, to not move forward or go anywhere, but to just stay stagnant. 

I have often done this myself.

Life can be bewildering, painful, and disappointing. As a highly sensitive person it feels like an onslaught. I have a child a lot like me and I see how she processes her emotions as she feels them. Wave after wave of emotion ever breaking over her. She has some health complications, a sibling that bullies her, and other things that make life challenging and hard. She does a lot of crying and whining and complaining and she does not hold back. This is realistically how I feel inside I think but it comes out as always overwhelmed, tired, and often frustrated. How is life for people who are not highly sensitive? 

It is not fun for me to be this way!!!!

So, going for a hike, enjoying the beauty, feeling pockets of wonder and joy ~ such a good choice to make.

May this weekend hold happenings that nurture your soul and propel you somewhere positive.

It is a choice you can make I think, and there is much power and beauty in that.

All the best

xo

One Of My Favourite Places

 I took my three youngest to where I grew up. Somehow I left part of myself there and whenever I go back I feel whole. It helps that I have dear friends that live there, that I have known most of my life, that accept me and make time for me. My sister is there and a sister in law as well. It is an island and the Ocean is always near. 

  It takes two hours to drive to the ferry from where I live and on this day I had a ferry reservation. I made my time slot by one minute. It was a nail biting, sick to your stomach experience! Once on the ferry my two year old was wild, absolutely wild. It was a mental emotional marathon to stay patient and sane. My eleven year old was an hero and helped keep her contained. 

 Once we got off the ferry we went straight to my sister in laws and spent time with my nephew who truly seems like he is living his best life right now. He is so sweet and it was joy to see all he has created and to take part in his joy. 

  We stayed on top of a mountain with a dear friend and enjoyed the beauty of her home and the comfort of her hospitality. My soul was refreshed there as it always is.

  We spent an afternoon and evening by the ocean with friends and my sister. That day...the best. The best day of my year so far I believe. I felt light, and free, and happy. So happy! I needed this relief. 

  We spent time at another friend's home, and at a beautiful store, and at my cousins, and we returned home. My cup was full. 

My Rose Bush

   Since moving here to this house there has been a Rose bush that has grown tall enough for me to see every day out my window. When we move there will be countless things I miss about this property. I am the type of person that feels pain when I think of leaving a place I have made a home. I get attached and sentimental and things like door handles make me cry when I think of leaving them. It sometimes boggles my mind that this is the truth. How am I like this? I feel like many people would not understand in the slightest. My husband used to be one of those people.

   One day though, not many years ago, I got rid of a couch that had been in my life since I was nineteen. It has been with us through our entire marriage but it had reached an end. There was rotting food in it from an unnamed child and I could not get the smell out. My daughter and I lifted it down our stairs and manhandled it out the front door. When my husband got home he had a moment. A MOMENT of understanding something about me he has never really understood and found it easy to find annoying. He felt grief over a couch.  Moments like that are so VALIDATING.

  So when I think about moving from this place, because we will be sometime, and probably soon, I am SICK at the thought of leaving this Rose bush. It has reminded me of my grandmother, it has brought me joy, it has brought me comfort, and creativity, and has been a gift. Just a Rose bush, but a life giver, a sustainer, and it was planted by Manfred, a German plumber, who built this house and planted many flowers. How I have appreciated Manfred every day for ten years living here. He built me the perfect home. He never had any children but this home feels like it has gifted me love in a way I can't explain.

  Right now I can see the corn right across the road, the Roses are blowing in a gentle breeze, the baby is sleeping, and even though today has been the usual challenge I feel such a deep mix of grateful, and exhausted, and poured out, and given to.

I know I can't thank the Rose bush really, but I can thank its Creator. 

Sending you love,

Tansy

A New Baby Coming Soon

 The Summer is flying by as it does, and while our family is enjoying our Summer, we are looking forward to a new baby arriving soon.  My oldest daughter is pregnant with her second baby. This Sunday she threw herself a baby sprinkle as she called it. She did such a good job. She prepared so much amazing food and there were almost forty people in my house. That was a first! There were so many babies and so many people. I am at the age now where this kind of moment brings back memories for me of when I had baby showers and other houses full of people celebrating new life. Oh the joys and challenges of this stage of life. I listened when the older women told me they wished they had had more children, had prolonged this stage longer, I listened. How glorious to still get to be a part of this season. It was such a lovely experience. 

I don't have many photos as I was busy behind the scenes but it was a very happy day, a bright spot, a break in the clouds, for our family. I am so thankful.

Life Lately

 July is upon us. The corn across the road is in its adolescent stage and doing well. The Roses continue to bloom faithfully but the hot weather has hardened the fresh green that Spring brings. 

We are in the midst of Summer holidays. We have had a week of rain but now the sun has come again. There are slow days happening here. Lots of stories to listen to and lego to build. The little girls are changing into new outfits every hour. I have painted my living room and dining room and kitchen with the help of my husband and daughter. That was a few weeks ago and it is already showing wear and tear. However it feels a lot cleaner and that has blessed me. 

I am taking my youngest children on a little trip in a few days. I so hope I can manage the well. My toddler requires me to have a lot of physical strength and good energy while we are out and about and I don't often have that. It is a short trip so I can manage. That will be one of the main highlights of our Summer. 

My seven year old just had piano recital. That was so special. She started piano in March of this year and seeing her walk confidently up onto a large stage and play two pieces of music was amazing! 

My fifteen year old is a junior camp counsellor and is only home on the weekends. She came home glowing and bubbling over with all sorts of stories. To hear her exclaiming, 'this generation has no respect!' It was the best honestly. She had been working with eight and nine year olds who gave her a serious run for her money. The hope was that she would make friends and meet new people at this camp and that is the case so far so I am thankful.

My oldest daughter is now weeks away from having a new baby and my prayers are fervent in asking for safety and hoping all will go smoothly and well.

My oldest son may be going away in September for six months. There is much to do to prepare for that.

My fifteen year old starts school for the first time in September as well. 

There will be some big shifts for our family. 

For now though, we are enjoying a slower pace and simple routines. 

xo Tansy

                              The princess dress stage is such a special one and I am loving it. 

                                                                  She sleeps in a tutu :)

                                                            Dropping sister off at camp 

                                                                      Going tubing :)

                                                                     Such a brave girl!

                              The most beautiful veggie platter ~ a work of art done by a friend.

                                                       Flowers at a baby shower I attended

                                            This little girl overflows with confidence and swag 

                                                     Trying on dresses (a rare occurrence)

                                                       Summer dresses from April Cornell :)

                                                         All the cuteness age two brings 

                           He is in an era I didn't foresee for him and it's been so interesting seeing his journey!

                                                    A very special visit with all my sisters 

                                                       The cutest moments of life right now

         A random moment where we went to the beach and it brought us all so much joy!!