Simple Wonders

  It feels like I don't often go out with my children just because. I do go out and drive people places every day. Yesterday we were gone from 7:30am till noon for doctors appointments. After that I drove my daughter to school and picked her up later, and then took my son for a milkshake and then grocery shopping. 

  Today, however, I took my children to a store that was all decorated for Christmas. I realize that it is not even December but this year has been a hard one for many reasons and having a reason to celebrate and feel wonder or whimsy or something lovely was needed. I took my three youngest daughters and we had a wonderful time. A three year old in a store full of breakable Christmas ornaments is not the most calming experience but her joy and delight was so precious. 

  Last night my daughter decorated her room for Christmas and her room feels so calming and beautiful. That inspired my seven year old to decorate her room. We found a small Christmas tree at a thrift store today that she could have and since the Christmas bin was already upstairs she found some decorations to go on it. Then she and my three year old played a game where one pretended to sleep and the other one put something in a Christmas stocking and they exclaimed in joy and delight each time after getting 'woken up'. These are all simple wonders but they are worth remembering and celebrating. There is a lot going on in our lives with many changes on the horizon. These moments help slow time down briefly. 

                                                

                                               

   

                                                 

                                                  

                                                  

                                                  

A Genetic Dumpster Fire

 I don't know about you but I am genetic dumpster fire and I didn't know I was until well after I had children.

  I was told, in not many details, that I was born with dislocated hips. I imagine I was put in some sort of apparatus as a baby and that it would have caused both my mom and I a lot of stress. I also had very high fevers as a baby. I had a very crowded pallet as well and my teeth were horrible. I had some very odd things happen to me when I started puberty as well. I almost died actually. I also had horrifically painful hips during puberty and sometimes could only walk with a very pronounced limp. When you are going through these things because it is part of who you are you don't necessarily realize it is odd. I have always had one leg that I just call my bad leg because of vein issues and pain. Fast forward to getting pregnant for the first time and it turns into cancer....that was odd.

  Growing up my two sisters and brother suffered from dislocating shoulders. My sister fainted at times. There was some learning issues and anxiety. Did we really think that things may genetically be off? Maybe my parents did, but we kids just suffered through wishing things were different. My brother had extreme hyperhydrosis and that was hard for him. 

  I was the first one of my siblings to get married and have children. My first biological child seemed to have some issues right off the bat. For one thing when he was born I was told he may possibly have Down syndrome. He did not. However he was never a calm relaxed child. He had breathing difficulties, what I now know was extreme acid reflux, cheek, lip and tongue ties, and he could not latch or nurse properly. He had some conjoined toes, a white patch of hair on his head as well.  He also was so allergic to many foods. Just after he turned two it was found out that he could barely see and was extremely far sighted along with a few other issues with his eyes. Eventually he was tested for many other issues but just diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and a few other things. All of my babies have been born with immature digestive systems and have had a hard time digesting breast milk and could not handle any sort of formula. There have been many struggles. 

  As the years went by eventually through a series of catastrophic events we realized that our family (all of my siblings and myself) had Ehlers Danlos syndrome. This is a genetic disorder that involves the production of collagen in the body and it is a connective tissue disorder. It affects the body is many many ways and has different classifications. It can be deadly and affects everyone uniquely. Connective tissue is everywhere in the body so it can effect so many things in so many ways. Each of my siblings have had different struggles. I think that each of my children also have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome except maybe one. I think she probably has it too, but not as severely. I am just seeing that my seven year old may have it more severely than my other children which is devastating. 

From my two parents some of the known genetic issues are:

Ehlers Danlos Syndrome

Hyperhydrosis

High cholesterol

Diabetes

POTS

Blood Clotting disorders

Eye issues

Anxiety and depression and generational trauma

Celiac Disease

Issues with circulation to the extremities (I can't remember the name of this one)

Sleep issues

Nervous system issues

I am sure there are more as well. 

  I wonder if both my parents are carriers of the EDS gene if that is how it works. My dad was born with a club foot or club feet and my mom has had dislocation issues as well but none of them have had the extreme issues that my siblings have had. 

  So far my children have signs of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome but nothing has been too extreme. My son just had his knee dislocate a few days ago and we have had some dislocated elbows. There is a lot of chronic shoulder and muscle pain. There are high pallets and breathing issues and sleep problems. There are digestive issues and high crippling anxiety. My son's eye issues have to do with EDS as well. I have at least two children with POTS and my daughter has had her two front teeth broken from passing out and smashing her face. My husband has his own genetic issues that he has contributed to them as well.

  It was all so unknown until I was four children in! I have not been able to hold onto a lot of EDS information. I think I feel so completely overwhelmed by it all. I couldn't tell you the classification number or how to get an official diagnosis where I live. 

  I do know that EDS severity is severely affected by gut health and anxiety. If you gut health is good and your mental health is stable symptoms are better. EDS is also affected by hormones and trauma. I am realizing now as information comes to light about my seven year olds health that I need to start to deep dive into EDS research.

  Honestly I don't want to. I want to pretend that somehow this isn't real. I want to stay in this 'bubble' that isn't really a bubble as so many things feel overwhelming.

  If we believe in God the creator and know the history of the world through that lense then we know that this was not how it was supposed to be. These diseases and our struggling aching bodies, they were meant for gardens and connection and beauty. 

EDS to me, feels like a sickness stemming from extreme trauma that affects the genes.

I don't have a clue, but that is how it feels.

  I feel so awful that I have passed all these burdens and hardships onto my children. There are probably other genetic issues as well. I know I didn't know and I also know that I still would have wanted to have children. They are all such gifts. They are such talented, unique, kind, beautiful, passionate, creative, driven individuals. However their journey through life with these challenges is not easy to see knowing my part in it. I hope I can be there to love them and support them on their journeys and I hope that they will also do their own research and be proactive in supporting themselves in their individual health journeys. I do know that in all things sunlight, grounding, life giving nourishing food, much time outside, walking, stress management and sleep quality does much good. A therapist that is trauma informed can be such a light house as well in life's storms. 

  If you have genetic issues that affect your daily quality of life I hope you have a support system and that you don't feel alone. What I have learned, especially from my one sister, who has been severely affected by many genetic issues, is that there is opportunity to shine bright, and to be authentic, kind, caring and giving no matter what you are facing. However every single day is laced with pain and hardship and it is not fair! It is cruel. I wish it was different for you all. 

Love to you,

Tansy

Giving Your All For Your Children (Is It Worth It?)

 Lately I have been asking myself if giving my all for my children has been worth it.

I think it's okay to ask this. I have asked myself this a lot actually.

Because, in my mind, I really have sacrificed myself wholly for my children. I don't think this has come out of a healthy place. I know it hasn't. My parents were complicated people (they still are) and they made choices that were not always safe for me. My knee jerk reaction has been to try to keep my children safe. I also didn't necessarily feel loved by my parents either. I have so wanted my children to feel loved, seen, known. I have not been the parent I have hoped to be. I have let me children down but I have tried so hard to protect them and love them in all the ways I know.

This has meant no vacations for me until two years ago. This has meant not leaving my children with a babysitter ever unless they were family. This has meant homeschooling my children because it was what was best for them at times (and not best for me). This has meant co sleeping, extended breastfeeding, it has meant making mostly home cooked meals and baking. This has meant many years of different kinds of therapies for my children and having a naturopath doctor and chiropractor and regular dental checkups. Even if we can't afford this I have chose to do this. It just means every day I get up and choose my children no matter how I am feeling or what I want. I do think that that is my job as a mother. However I also think that there are more balanced ways to go about this! 

 I have given and given and given and have not poured into myself in the ways that I should have. It has meant that sometimes I have felt resentful or so empty that I have given in emptiness (which is not really giving at all). I just don't think that this has been healthy. However, I have not been able to figure out another way that works. I think because I am so tired my brain does not work at full capacity ever. 

I have felt trapped and lost and broken at times wishing that the work load was more balanced or that my children were a bit easier going or that I just had more capacity!

I want to give all I have to my children. I also want to feel that it doesn't take quite so much of me.

That actually makes no sense but it is how it comes out of my brain. 

I don't know if I am just not mature enough, if I don't have healthy boundaries, if I need better problem solving skills. I think it is probably all of this combined.

However right now I continue to pour out ~ all I have. I love my children so much. I am so deeply thankful for them. They are such miracles. I adore my grandchildren. I can't help but think to the future when there are more children (in law children) and more grandchildren and how the work load just continues to then grow. How can I make it sustainable? 

I know prayer helps, I know exercise and hydration are key. Better quality sleep would be great, that will come someday. However I know that a healthier balance is a choice I must make.

These are thoughts that pass through my mind.

I am just being honest

xo

Tansy

Renovations

 My husband and I are entering into a winter season of renovations. The amount of renovations we are choosing to do at this time in our lives is extensive. My husband has a very demanding full time job and I can't do any of the renovations myself except for painting, and anything I do I have at least two children with me. So I am not much help.

  Right now my husband is renovating a basement suite for our oldest daughter and her family. She is moving down the road to a property we are buying from my husband's parents. We know we can own it for seven years because his parents are going to hold the mortgage for us for that time. This generosity is amazing and we are so thankful. We will own the property legally but when the time comes for us to apply to borrow money from the bank for the property we are not guaranteed that. So we have this property for seven years.

   My first hope was to be able to move to this property and to once again live in the same house with my daughter and her family. There is a large newer house on the property that would have fit us all really well. However, this was not to be. Rules changed in our area just a few months before about renters rights and the people who live in the upstairs of the house will not be moving for quite some time. 

  Originally I wanted to renovate the suite so that my daughter and her family would be comfortable there for the seven years if they so chose. After the renovations are done they will have three large bedrooms plus a play room and living room.  Right now they have two bedrooms and a small living space in the house we all live in now. I imagined them having a few more children and needing to fit into the space (before it was renovated it had two bedrooms and one living space). The suite they are moving into also didn't really have natural light.

 The house they are moving into is quite large. It has four garages. The house is a split level so part of it is underground. The house was not designed to have a suite and when my husband first put it in it was done well, but it is very dark. My idea was to turn one of the double garages into two large bedrooms. The kitchen was dark and small and my daughter thought of cutting a large open space above the sink to look into what was formerly the master bedroom to let in the light that the master bedroom had. It was the only room with large windows. This opened up the kitchen are and brought natural light into the usually quite dark space. 

  The first thing my husband did was take the garage door off and frame that wall in and put the windows in. He did that in a day with my son in law's help. He then insulated and got that wall ready for drywall. Then he framed in the bedrooms and closets with a little hallway. He had a friend who did a lot of the drywall and my husband did all the electrical which included lights and heaters and switches and adding things to the breaker box. I don't know a lot about electrical but he managed to do it all. He is amazing. 

  In the kitchen he moved cabinets from the one wall across to another and moved the fridge to the other side of the kitchen. He also created an area for a dishwasher and built a counter top for the dishwasher area. He also built a little shelf for the window that was cut into the wall above the sink so that bar stools could be put under it so the children could sit and watch their mom cook when they are older if they wanted to. There was also a bedroom with no window and an awkward wasted space beside it. So he took the wall down and moved it so that the bedroom was bigger (it will be a guest room and office for now), and the awkward wasted space has become a large closet that will be a pantry. In the suite my daughter lives in now she has a small laundry closet, no linen closet and very little storage. When she moves she will have two very large closets, a large laundry room, a large storage area under the stairs, large walk in closets in each bedroom, and a whole garage! The space she is moving into is so much bigger than what she has now. 

 So right now we are at the stage of needing to paint everything and to save money my husband and I are doing it ourselves. It is a large job. There are a few spaces we are not painting but most of it is getting painted. One small wall in the kitchen is blue and one wall in one of the bedrooms will be green but other than that we are painting everything white which will also brighten up the space. My husband painted the new trim and doors yesterday. We have been saving money in any way possible so we bought used doors and one of them had oil based paint on it. So he found that out the hard way. He had to sand off the paint he tried to cover it with and then prime the door. We will paint it again tomorrow.  I painted walls for hours today. My whole body hurts. It feels great to see it all slowly coming together. We only really have this week to finish it. My husband got lights installed this evening, but there are a few more to get in. I have multiple more walls to paint and cutting in to do on the tops and bottoms of the walls. 

  Carpet still needs to be installed and my husband will do that as well. The whole place needs a deep clean.

 Once they move in there we will be fixing up the suite they are moving out of. That means more painting and that will be my job. There are other minor things to do to prepare it. Then someone new will be moving in December 1st.

 We will buy the property in the beginning of the year.  Since we are not able to move into the main house we are moving into the original farm house on the property. The house we are moving into is a heritage house. I am not sure how old it is but it does not have insulation in the walls. Our winters here get cold and I have lived in multiple houses old enough to not be insulated and that comes with challenges. The house also has a lot of mold and mildew in the basement along with cracks in the foundation. We will probably take the basement down to studs so we can seal the floors and walls (made of concrete), fix the cracks in the foundations, enlarge and fix the windows and so many more things. This house needs a new roof as well. I am nervous to start the project and find other things that need fixing. There is also work that needs to be done on the two other floors. It is so extensive. I am not sure how we will manage, but my husband has so many gifting in this area. He will do it. 

  I also can't fathom packing up and moving there. It is not a far distance but we have lived here for eleven years and there is a lot to move including a VERY heavy piano. When I try to imagine packing everything up....this house fits all we have perfectly (sort of).....I just can't. It is such a big job.

 After we are finished with that we need to do quite a few repairs and then paint the house we live in now. You get the drift. 

  There is so much to do and all of this will be through the winter. We have moved in the winter multiple times. It is nothing new. It has its challenges though. So much of the weight of this rests on my husband.

Also, WHY are we doing this you may ask? We love the house we live in now. We adore having our family all living together. 

We keep asking ourselves this too.

 The property we are buying is one my husband has wanted to buy for many years but never saw a way. It has a functioning business on it (that until recently was owned by my father in law) and multiple rented outbuildings. It is a property that pays for itself. My husband and I have dreamed for twenty two years of living on a property. We are also hopeful that some of our children will want to live on the land with us. We have a long term plan that we may eventually carry out, but this does seem like a wise move for our family, and an opportunity that we should not pass up. We will work hard for a season, and hopefully reap the benefits for a long time, hopefully for generations. 

 However, this type of stress and work has potential to test a lot of different facets of things in our lives. Can we manage it all with maturity and grace? Can we communicate and support each other? Can our bodies manage all that is needed to give? 

  We shall see!  We are in the beginning stages of all of this. Renovations started a few weeks ago. There is still painting to do, carpet to install, closet interiors to be figured out and so much more, including moving them in! Then we continue on. 

 We are so blessed. It is hard to fathom. I am so thankful for my grandparents and my parents and my husband's parents whose generosity has helped us get here. It is a dream come true. 

 I will keep you posted as to how it all goes. 

xo

Tansy

Here you can see the big house in the distance that my daughter will be in and the closer heritage house that we will be in. 

                                   

This property is right across the road from a river. Here is the view from up on the dyke or from one of the  top floors of the houses.

                                     

 Here is the blue wall. The other side of the kitchen is directly across. The fridge goes beside the end of the cabinet you can see here. We chose to do it a color other than white because it will be a coffee bar area and tiling it is out of the questions for now. So a darker color seemed more durable. My husband had to cobble together the cabinets and make something work. I am always amazed at what he is able to come up with. 

                                                

                                           Here is the window cut into the wall above the sink.

                                                   

Here is the living room and one of the rooms I am painting white. This room and the kitchen you see above is all one room. 

                                       

Waiting To Go To Sleep

 Here I am again and it is 10:56pm. Everyone in our house has such sleeping issues. It is really challenging. I wish I knew the remedy. I just got my twelve year old and three year old tucked in again. My twelve year old is sleeping in a room with his dad tonight as he just can't fall asleep alone this evening and my three year old is in my bed with my seven year old and I will crawl in there soon (I sleep with both of them in my bed every night). 

 Why do I share this? Because it is my reality and maybe it is yours as well. My husband and I don't share a room. He needs his sleep and I just don't get much. He sleeps alone and goes to bed early and I stay up with everyone and do every night shift. It is not what I would choose but it is what it is. Sometimes if a night is especially bad I will wake him up to help me but often he sleeps through it all.

 Not getting sleep is debilitating. It really takes away from the quality of life. If your life is like mine I hope in reading this you don't feel so alone (if you did indeed feel lonely). My grandson goes to bed at 8:00pm and loves to go to bed. He naps for three and sometimes four hours a day. Never in the history of EVER has a child of mine napped for such an extended time and NEVER daily. My daughter has three hours every afternoon where her child sleeps. I honestly cannot fathom. Then he also sleeps at night and for hours on end. I am woken up every two hours almost every night and it's not always by the baby. I know that one day everyone in my house will sleep. My nineteen year old and sixteen year old don't wake me up in the middle of the night anymore because of nightmares etc. So that's something :) But for so long parts of myself that are still there, still wishing to be lived out, are not able to, because of my lack of sleep. I can't articulate it well, but it is hard to feel that. 

Well, I spoke too soon :) As I was writing my three year old got up and now it is 11:11pm and she is sitting beside me eating the rest of my toast and once again ready to hang out till who knows when. She is also 'braiding' my hair and chatting away. 

 And so, if you are like me, waiting up for a child to fall asleep, knowing that they will just wake up again in a few hours, and you feel tired, exhausted actually, eyes dry, and body screaming to be able to lie down and just sleep, but you can't. I am with you. 

I have to go now and keep waiting until she surrenders to sleep. At least she's adorable.

Sending you lots of love and care,

Tansy

Grad Dress Shopping

   My sixteen year old is going to graduate next year, and where I live when you graduate you wear a gown of sorts. The other time you wear a really fancy dress in our culture is usually at your own wedding. Since she is graduating we need to find her a dress. When my oldest daughter graduated she was very excited to go and choose her dress. She has always loved to dress up and be a princess. My sixteen year old however has been as opposite as she could possibly be. She used to call herself Alex the Saver when she was little. She never wanted to wear a shirt and she often wore her brother's clothes. She owned no dresses and to this day if she wears a dress it is a big moment. Because of these tendencies I was not sure how going and trying on fancy, sparkly, princess dresses would go for her. 

 We went to a bridal store that also had graduation dresses. You had to make an appointment and you had an hour in the store. My oldest daughter and her newborn baby came with us too, because you could bring two people. There were three other girls there trying on dresses as well. When we first walked in my daughter got overwhelmed right away. There was every color of dress you can fathom and so many sequins and sparkles and trains and corsets! She was looking around wide and eyed. She was supposed to choose dresses to try on and couldn't. I asked her older sister to choose some and the attendant as well. Then she started trying dresses on and everything changed.

She is beautiful, as is every girl, and as soon as she started trying on these dresses her eyes began to sparkle. She quickly became an expert at what she liked and did not like. It was such a special experience to see her wear such beauty and come into her own in a different way than usual. A girl/woman that feels deeply beautiful brings a lot of joy to the world I think. The three other girls around her were also shining, and we made sure to compliment them, and the feeling in the store was one of tenderness somehow. These are moments that hopefully they will remember during harder times ~ the day they felt so beautiful and sparkly and light.

11:07 And Everyone Is Finally Asleep

 It is 11:07pm and my seven year old and three year old just fell asleep. I feel such deep relief to have this little chunk of the day alone. If I wake up early in the morning my three year old will wake up very shortly after. She is a bit intense, and I don't often get to go to the bathroom alone, if that makes sense. If I am in the kitchen she is up on a chair beside me. If I am in my bed reading she is in bed too and wants to be talking and hanging out. If I am headed somewhere in the car she would most definitely like to be going along as well. She is with me almost always and if she is not with me she is doing something like she did today. I was on the phone for a little while so she was downstairs liberally painting her hands and nails with sparkly nail polish! I had put that nail polish downstairs and up high so she could not access it but that girl will find a way! I know this needing to be with me so much will not last in some respects. I have had other children who wanted to be with me in the same way and I do get solo bathroom breaks from them now :)

The reality is that I don't know many other moms with children who are not good sleepers and who stay up really late. I was looking at videos of when my three year old was a few months old and many of them were made at about 1am because she usually would not end her day until 2am. She was happy and chatty and just not sleepy. 

Tonight my three year old had about a thirty minute screaming kicking tantrum because she was so tired (she did not nap today) and so her level of logic was gone. It was at about 8:30pm. I just needed her to get some PJ's on over her tutu as our house is getting pretty cold at night. She cried herself to sleep in the hallway and I woke her after about three minutes and she was raring to go and stayed up till 11:00pm! My three youngest have what I call, night anxiety. Maybe that's not something that exists, but at night they come out of their rooms after they have been tucked in. They have all had snacks, been read to, teeth have been brushed, they have been snuggled with, prayed for, but they will not stay in bed or fall asleep. This makes for long long LONG days. 

 So, once again (like my homeschooling post before this post), maybe that's you? I cannot force these children to sleep. Melatonin does not work on my youngest at all. When people talk to me about sleep training I feel like they don't understand when you are up and up and up with a child who is just not tired. I don't have a screen on for them. The lights are low but they are not interested in sleep. Sigh....it's been a long parenting journey. I actually remember my aunt telling me that as a baby her parents tied something around her leg to keep her safe and left her up alone and went to bed because she was such night owl. I have never stooped to that. I stay up every single night with every child. However this lack of needing much sleep seems genetic and from my side of the family!

Sometimes I would love to be able to feel normal and just tuck children in bed at like 8:00 and they all could sleep through the night. I would get some time with my husband and time to clean up dishes and just have an evening that didn't start at 11 or 12 at night. I don't though. So I just keep on keeping on. I have to say to that living this way takes away from the quality of your life. It takes a toll on the body. Having children that don't sleep well and who wake up grumpy day after day is a lot. I am sorry if this is your reality.

However this is what I DO have, children who are usually happy at night, full of energy, wanting lots of love and care. They are my treasures and as tired as I am I am glad they are mine. 

I hope, like my daughter (with two children) who lives downstairs, your children go to sleep at a decent time, and sleep deeply. I hope you get evenings to relax or catch up. I hope you get deep sleep :) Maybe, if you have these luxuries, you can treasure them just a bit more tonight for me.

xo

Tansy