A Phone Call

My mom called me today.

My mom lives in a locked facility with people who have dementia and need twenty four hour care. My mom does not have dementia but she has multiple mental health issues and she chooses to live there. Every time she calls my house I answer and I talk to her as long as she needs. However after every phone call it takes a while to recover and keep moving forward.

My mom was lonely today and just needed to chat. Where she lives is a pretty awful place. She has her room filled with cards, beautiful art, books, photos, memories, puzzles and it is a little oasis in a place that is filled with nightmares. She, however, has no privacy, and when I go and visit regularly other residents come in, confused and incoherent to join the visit. She is also trapped. However if you asked her if she wanted to live in a different environment she would say no. She will only leave for very short periods of time before she wants to get back. She is very regimented in her routine and how she goes about her day. 

I leave our conversations wondering how she took step after step to get to where she is now but in many ways I know how she did. She has told me her life story and I closely observed her life from the time I could understand. She started out life feeling vulnerable and out of control and as time went on she took more and more and more control until she could control almost every aspect of her life and others around her as well. 

As her daughter I never quite knew what was true. I was too young to understand all that was happening but in many ways I understood much more than I should have instinctively. I just hoped against hope that what I sensed and knew would not be true. 

In many respects the person on this earth that is my mother has wanted me to mother her. She has looked to me for support and care but has also let me know that it was never enough or good enough because it never was. 

Today she talked about her increasing anxiety and depression and unhappiness but honestly it has been the same story always. She needed to talk about it and I understand and I realize I could have chosen to not pick up the phone.

Oh how I longed as a child for my mother to be okay, to feel loved, to be happy. Oh how I longed for her to find healing and help.

I have so much empathy for her now as I have experienced some things on this journey we are on in life and I realize how much can be taken out of you by relationships and parenting. However I also realize that she made choice after choice after choice and her choices could have been so different. 

That mother part of my heart I think will always be broken. The part that needed a mom who could put me first and who actually cared about me. I have parented in a very broken way and it has been very hard for my children. However I have parented in a way that tries to undo some of the hurt and pain that was done to me. I hope it gives my children more. I hope this so much.

I also will always hope that somehow in my mom's struggle she can find pockets of peace and joy and hope. She taught me so much about the beauty and whimsy and creativity. Her healed whole self would be the most beautiful most sweet and kind and ethereal being. It is deeply challenging to see the other side of that has been fed by bitterness and control and deep deep anger. 

In all of this I would have to say

Walk in the way of forgiveness

If you are grasping for control through eating or not, through addiction, through bitterness, and on and on it goes...you are well worth investing in your healing. The end result if you do not do this? It is so hard on your spirit, soul and body and it is so hard on everyone around you. It is honestly unkind and selfish to choose yourself over and over because you feel the world has been unfair and you use your trauma as a means to suffer. The truth is ~ the world is unfair, the world is unkind, there is trauma! However,

Do the hard hard work, the every day slog of finding what healing you need and going forward in it.

If not for you, for future generations!

When someone talks to you on the phone

How do they feel when they hang up with you?

I think that certain people feel pretty drained when they hang up after they talk to me.

I want to walk in the way of forgiveness.

May it be so

And may I be healed

And may you as well

XOXO

Tansy

 

Feed My Soul

 Sometimes I think

What just happened?

How can I capture that feeling that I JUST had and hold it as close as possible to savour it in all its glory?!

Everyone around me is a part of me in some way

My family I mean

And there are moments were they SHINE so effortlessly and are IN their essence and their beauty shines from their eyes in a way that is totally their own

Today I dropped my daughter off at camp and there were many components that went into the moment but she was so happy and excited and HOPEFUL. As a middle aged adult I sometimes forget that feeling of being hopeful like that. It is this hot air balloon feeling that takes you up. Her three younger siblings were excited for her too and helped her with her luggage and getting her bunk bed ready. 

Today my little grandson was here as his parents are celebrating being married for two years. My daughter came upstairs ready to go out with lipstick on, a beautiful dress, child in womb, perfume on and looking radiant and I just wanted to capture the moment forever. This chapter of her life, it is just beginning, and that same chapter of my life is ending. She is fresh and young and vibrant and it is so deeply beautiful. 

Today my two year old changed her clothes from one dress or skirt to another. She sang and danced and cried and wailed and yelled and was herself in every form. We knew every feeling and thought and emotion. She was completely herself, unspoiled by the cruelty of time and pressure.

Today I drank a delicious cup of tea while making dinner. It was reviving and warm and soothing. It is a rainy day here after intense heat. The earth is just SOAKING in this life giving water. You can almost hear everything growing and sighing in relief. 

Last night my daughter told me she was starting a blog about adoption and she told me, 'I feel like you mom!' It was the sweetest thing. 

This evening my three youngest and I went for a walk and their energy was electric. They ran and yelled and jumped in puddles and laughed and their wildness felt so important and genuine and innocent. There was so much joy in just being outside after a rainy day. There was such free movement and verbal expression of all goodness. 

These moments are gone so quickly but today I could really take them in and BE in them and those days feed my soul.

Take a Moment For Joy

 Cast off your sackcloth

Wash off your ashes

Lift up your head and open your hands

Throw back your shoulders

Put on your lipstick

Go pick some flowers

Just for today

Your sackcloth is patient

Your ashes can wait

Your eyes need reviving

Your hands need a rest

Your shoulders are hurting

Your lips need to smile

Beauty is awaiting to bless your soul

Seasons of pain can stretch for a lifetime

And moments of rejoicing must sometimes be intentional

A time for singing comes

If you cast your breath up through your vocal chords

Dancing comes too if you let it

The rain may pour

Grief may be heavy laden throughout each strand of your tapestry

There may be more black and grey than sky and sun

But cast off your sackcloth

Wash off your ashes

Open your windows

The ones in your soul

Clean out the cobwebs

Wash out the bitter

Breathe deep in perfumes of fresh rain or Roses

Throw your arms wide

Stand strong in your resolve

Put on your lipstick or whatever works best 

Take a moment today for joy

Complacent

 Complacency. 

This is something I struggle with in regards to my body and my health in some respects.

A month or two ago I was gifted a foot massager. I started to use it every day and also went for some walks and all of a sudden my body was losing its mind. 

In hindsight I was also sick with a virus as well but didn't realize it.

All of a sudden my face was on fire. So incredibly red and inflamed. My feet were hurting, my hands and feet and legs were swollen. I felt like toxins were flooding my body and I was being poisoned. It was horrifying and I thought maybe I would feel like this forever. I don't appreciate that I do that to myself but it's a survival technique. 

I started to try to detox. I took pills for my liver, went of all carbs and sugar and was drinking water with lemon in it and healing teas. Slowly things started to improve slightly but then allergy symptoms hit. 

I went to my naturopath doctor and she told me that I am sort of allergic to life right now. My body just has been going through too much stress, anxiety, overwhelm and grief. It has formed so many sensitivities to almost everything.

So that's fun.

Where does complacency come in? I have known for YEARS that my body was struggling and have accepted it for the most part. Is my inflammation high? Yes it is. Is my cholesterol high? Yes. Is my iron low? Yes. Are my bones crumbling away? Yes. Have I been working to eat better for my cholesterol and take things to lower it with consistency? No. I just walk around hoping that somehow things will improve and I am complacent. 

There are humans out there that are not complacent and my hat goes off to them, but I am complacent. It is a sad, awful way to be.  

Just this week I finally started exercising. I am hoping to start to lift weights and also once again cut down on sugar and carbs. I want to drag these heavy bones, this carcass, away from the heaviness that weighs it down and baptize it in health and life and light.

May you find strength to step out of any complacency you are in and to walk forward into health.

xo

The Sky

 Have you ever wondered what life would be like if the sky was not so vast and blue. If it was not coloured night after night and morning after morning with the most beautiful displays of artwork how would your life be different? What if the clouds looked heavy and dark? I hadn't until I read a book a few weeks ago. One of the characters in the book was trying to explain how nature can minister to us and he asked another character the question of the sky. What if? What if it was just above our heads. What if it was always grey? What if?  How would your perception of life be different? How would your motivation be changed? 

Men dream dreams of flying, of building sky scrapers, of going to the moon. Why? Because of the sky! How would people who believe in God ~ how would their perception of who God is be changed if the sky was low and dark and close. The vastness of the sky, the grandeur of it all ~ this is such a picture of God in so many ways. I have been holding that close.

 Then there is moss, there are so many types of moss. It is so detailed and so soft. It holds so much wonder if you just look at it. It drapes like a cape and adorns itself wherever it can. It is so strong yet so delicate. 

And any flower you see! Have you stopped and just looked at a tiny tiny road side flower lately? Or picked a Rose from an old Rose bush. The old Rose bushes have the best smells. Have you sifted through a handful of sand and just really looked at all the colours and treasures in one handful!?

My point is this

The world out there ~ the natural world ~ not the one that has been tainted or destroyed, but the natural world ~ if you were to really truly stop for a minute and ask yourself ~ could you see that maybe it was created just for you? Think of the trees, the herbs, the healing properties in it all! Can you hear God's song in the birds as they fly around with joy. Can you see His adoration of texture and color and culture? Can you hear his call in wind or the waves? I have been thinking about it so much. How we as a people, we cannot thrive unless we are out looking, listening and being, in nature. Being inside has been my struggle for so many years. It has been a soul killer. 

Don't fall into my trap.

Just step outside

Shut out the man made noise. Look at a flower, a bee, a dragonfly, a blade of grass, moss, a fern, the sky! It was made for you.

Because you have always mattered, every part of you, every detail of you matters. This beauty, and majesty, it is all for you.

You are loved

xo

Half Way Through A Year

 I don't know about you but this year feels like it is going by quickly. Before I know it my youngest is going to turn three. This will signify the end of an era in my life. I also will have a child turn sixteen this year and she will be able to learn to drive. My youngest son will have his last year before he turns thirteen. This year is half way done and what have I done in the last six months?

I mean I have taken care of a lot of sick people pretty consistently. I have had my husband mostly frustrated with me. I have had a lot of days where I felt like I was not able to keep on going but I did. I have had my body just feel weak and tired and sick a lot. It's not been my best year let's just say that. I have felt so anxious and so undone. This is nothing new for me but I think this year it's been pretty intense. I have just been a mess.

And then there is the flip side of all of this because no matter how I am feeling and no matter how hard I perceive things to be....there is always that light and there is always good.

This year my seven year old started piano lessons that my parents are so kindly paying for. She is an absolute natural. In two months she has finished her first book and is halfway through her second book. She has written two short songs she can play on the piano and is in her first recital in a few weeks.

This year my fifteen year old will go to school for the very first time and will begin her last year of school. It has been SUCH a roller coaster ride for me and a completely unexpected one. However she is going. Today we tried to pick out courses and the testing and interviews are complete.

This year my oldest daughter will have her second baby. Her first baby is just starting to talk and it is the sweetest thing. He also has such expressive eyes and is so observant and empathetic. He brings us so much joy.

This year the Roses have bloomed so beautifully and around my town I have favourite Rose bushes that I love. Do you have that? Do you know in your town where you have a favourite Lilac tree or Rose bush or something similar? 

This year my oldest son went to my sister's a few times and came home happy and feeling more capable. This is such a gift.

This year we started to go to a church as a family and that has been such a blessing. 

This year I started an online book club with my sisters and it has been a positive happy happening to look forward to each month. We can't often meet in person so we all face time each other and chat about the book we are reading. Each month a new person gets to pick the book but they are books that are from our childhood. This month I am choosing Jane of Lantern Hill by LM Montgomery for us all to read. 

This year my friend gifted me a foot massager machine and it has blessed me so much. 

This year has been sad and hard and exhausting but at the same time it's been absolutely lovely. I hope you are able to see those lovely parts of your life however hard and exhausting it may be.

Blessings to you

Tansy

The End of Another Homeschooling Journey

 I am a few days away from the ending another homeschooling journey. So far I have had two end in graduation. This time however this journey ends at grade eleven. My two oldest children did spend a bit of time in school. My oldest daughter spent the most time in school, my son spent just kindergarten at school and homeschooled the rest of the time. My fifteen year old daughter has never been to school. However her school just got shut down and there has been no other homeschooling options that have opened up. She has played sports at a local private school for three years and it is the school her dad and I graduated from. It seems like she is going to go there for her last year of school. In May of 2025 she finished grade nine. In May 2026, so right now, she is finishing grade eleven. That means she did two years of school in one. She worked in grade nine, the summer, and all this school year to accomplish this. In the last month she has done two grade eleven courses. It has been SO MUCH WORK! She set a goal that she wanted to finish school early and it seems like she will accomplish that. She is going to enter grade twelve at fifteen years of age and graduate at age sixteen. I am happy for her to get to go to school because she knows a few of the girls in her grade and they are amazing girls. She will get to try things like drama and go on a missions trip and experience all sorts of things. 

However I am going to miss her dearly. I hadn't envisioned this. I thought I had one more year with her here every day. This is for the best I know, but she has been here, every day, her whole life! I wish I was someone who had a bit more capacity to embrace change. I just really struggle with it. This is happening though, I am almost certain. She also will be away for a month in the summer as well. These are such good things for her. I am so happy for her! I am just sad for me.

Every day that she has been here has been a gift. We have had ups and downs, lots of hard times, but she is just such a sweet light in our home. She is everyone's favourite sibling. I will miss her. She will be done homeschooling here in just a few days and then will be done forever. 

xo