When I See You

 When I see you

It's always fleeting

And you don't want to meet my eyes

I've hurt you

And yet there was no way not to

You are so deeply wounded

Not just by me

It's been all the years

All the people

There has been trauma you pretend has never been

And I know too much

I see too much if you ever meet my eyes

Because I recognize it

That's why he chose me you know

Because he recognized it

But he didn't understand

And I've tried to push it all away

And be strong too

But all that pain is an unrelenting tide

And I feel yours

You hold it back with impossible strength

You have held up so many other's worlds

In shaking careworn hands

But I cannot

I've let it go

And its tidal wave proportions are immeasurable 

Two Years Old

 What life is like at two

You think you are the cutest and most beautiful or most strong and brave

You have a lot of opinions and you like to sing and talk and scream

You are always doing something ~ busy with your mind climbing and talking and making messes

You like jump and dance and sing

You like to cross your arms and practice hand signals like thumbs up

You told me you were a big girl

You say, 'I can do it mineself'

You say, 'I'm super cool'

You say, 'I'm super super tired'

You are so tender to your baby doll

You are fierce in fighting for what you want

You are tiny but strong

You don't sleep much 

You want to go wherever anyone else is going

You like chocolate

You rule this house like you are queen

You are funny and precious and melt the most grumpy soul

You have a sense of humor

Your confidence is unmatched

You can count and share and help crack eggs

You put on your own shoes 

You say, 'I wuv you' and 'see you much'

You call yourself Merry Mae

You have one patch of hair that has grown long and the rest is curly

You are two

The 1990's

 I have been seeing these posts on the 90's on Instagram and it got me thinking about that time in my life. Oh the 90's ~ I miss this time of life tremendously. In 1990 I was eight years old and I was entering one of the best chapters of my life. I had moved to a beautiful property on an island that was thirteen acres of magic. There were friends all down the road and what a road it was ~ it consisted of forest, field, friends and freedom. I felt so much freedom living there. I did so much exploring and connecting with nature. 

 We moved when I was thirteen and my teen years back in my home town also held much joy. There were no cell phones and not much internet attraction yet. I spent hours chatting on the phone with my friends and hanging out having so much fun. We didn't know all that much about what was going on in the world. Of course life wasn't perfect but it was simple in many ways and my friends were pure gold. I wish  I could sit each of them down and just thank them for all the joy they brought my life forever. I graduated in the year 2000 and so my adult years have felt like this continuing downward spiral of humanity. People have such deep addictions to their phones and screens here. The access to way too much information is just an abomination to the nervous system. 

 When I think of my quality of life now...it makes me miss the 90's all the more. I am SO DEEPLY thankful that I got to grow up during this era. I was a typical 90's kid. I drank out of the hose, I played outside for hours, my parents had no idea where I was, I rode my bike everywhere and my horse as well. We didn't have a TV until I was thirteen so for the first thirteen years of my life I saw screens only a handful of times a year! My children have never got to experience this and it has broken my heart. 

 I often long to feel the freedom I felt during those years again ~ the thing that I am grateful for about myself as a child was that I appreciated it! I knew what it was. The bike rides down the hill with my hair streaming out behind me, the fields I galloped my horse through, the climbing high in the trees, ice skating on the pond, feeling invincible and hopeful ~ I savoured it so deeply.

 I am now forty three almost forty four. I have many beautiful memories to draw from and the memories from the 90's are some of the most precious. What an era! 

Blessed Be

Blessed be the heart that is broken

Blessed be the eyes that ache with tears

Blessed be the soul that is weary

Blessed be those that are full of fear

Blessed be the heavy laden

Blessed be the draining pain

Blessed be the wounded and angry

Blessed be those filled with shame

When you stand by the ocean and hear the waves and look out on the vast expanse

Or you look at the grains of sand

If you stand up on a mountain after climbing to its highest height

Or you stand in a grove of old growth trees

You may be struck by how minuscule your life is compared to all of this ~ 

And yet, who you are, what you are, and what you have gone through ~ it matters. Who does it matter the most to? God!

He created you with gifts, with unique callings, with purpose and destiny. The earth is a sinful cruel place with much hurt and pain. God walks along side you every step of your journey. Your tears matter and He cries with you. Your trauma is heart breaking to Him and he offers healing and wholeness. He is WITH you. 

I was listening to the hym 'Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus' and the words are so impacting.

'Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Look full in His wonderful face

and the things of earth

will grow strangely dim

in the light of His glory and grace.'

Your heart may be breaking over and over. Your body may be overcome with hurt and pain. 

May the God of all comfort bring you rest for your soul and healing for your wounds.

You are loved, treasured, adored

xoxox

The Island Spring 2026 part 2

 After seeing our dog and feeling so full of joy in those moments we headed out for another hour drive to  special place for us all. Keep in mind we have all been up since 2:30am and we are very tired and some of us still sick. 

We went to see my husband's sister and her family who live in my old home town. When we arrived in some ways it felt so familiar and so lovely. We first started visiting them in 2020 when my seven year old was very small. Everyone has grown so much since then but we still fall into our familiar small self roles in the best of ways. The kids went outside to play and chat, then settled into board games. My sister in law made a delicious, simple vegetarian dinner for fourteen people! We ate and chatted and my daughter and I went down to the beach and to visit my grandparents memorial tree. We also went to my childhood street. I just had to. This all did our souls a world of good.

After we had visited and reluctantly left we drove for two more hours to get to where we were staying for the weekend. The place we stayed is my childhood friend's property. I met her on this island when I was about eight years old. We have remained friends since. We attended each other's weddings and between us have ten living children. The fact that she is willing to have all us over for a weekend astound me. The amount of food needed to feed us all, and the amount of energy and planning needed to put into hosting us all is not lost on me. She was also willing to welcome us not 100 percent healthy. All I can say is, may God bless her so so SO richly. Staying at her house was the catalyst to us regaining our health for the first time in three months. 

Her property is an oasis for us. I recognize the sheer amount of work it is for her family to maintain it the way that they do, and I so appreciate that. We felt such joy there, such peace, and we had so much fun. I have not seen my son running with laughter spilling from him in so long. All of our hearts were ministered to in so many ways.

My friend lives on this property with her parents as well, and I can see that even though that presents with challenges, the massive blessings that also comes with it are many. From the Daffodils planted at the base  of the trees, to the burn piles everywhere, to the casual drop ins from her mom and dad to chat about something, it just felt really beautiful. 

It felt a little daunting to leave and head back to real life. However since being back everyone has mostly maintained being healthy. That has been a blessing. We have had some big ups and downs since coming back but the trip bolstered us and gave us some core things that we needed to continue on. Thank you Katrina and Courtney and families for loving us and welcoming us. Bless you!

The Island Spring 2026 Part 1

 In the first week of April my children, husband and I went to visit the place I spent formative years. It is one of my favourite places on earth because of the memories and because of how I feel when I go there. We went to visit family friends we had not been able to visit as a family for a few years as times of changed financially. 

However, until the day we left and still while travelling some of my children were sick. While on the ferry to get there one child was refusing to eat because of pain in his throat. We had been sick for months and I just hoped that once we go there somehow we would all get better.

The morning of our trip we all squished into our seven passenger mini van. This van had five adult sized people, a car seat, and all our luggage. There were seven of us travelling, I was in the back middle seat because that was where I had to fit. We left at 3 in the morning to try to catch the first ferry. Every other time we have done this we have been successful and have just been able to go onto the ferry. We arrived at 4am for the 5am sailing. I had made plans for friends to meet us at a beach in the earlier morning and then to be in other places at different times throughout the day. As we payed for the ferry I thought I heard the gentleman say that we may not catch a ferry. until 12:45. It was 4am. Say what?????!!!!!!!! I double checked with my husband as were driving into the line up and he confirmed. My heart dropped and my breathing accelerated. It was rainy, windy, and everyone was wide awake. 

That morning was a long one. The 5am ferry came and went, the 7:45am ferry came and went, and then we heard a rumour we may make it onto the 10:15am ferry. I was holding onto hope. I had already cancelled a lot of our plans and felt pretty sick about it. We had waited six hours in a very crowded vehicle and were hanging on by small threads. When the ferry arrived the truck in front of us was allowed on (we were the second in line) and that was it. I felt like I was going to vomit. Then when the ferry was almost full they let us on along with three other cars. My relief was just huge.

We made it through the two hour ferry ride without too much drama although I heard an announcement about not running on the ferry while still in the vehicle with the sleeping baby and wondered if that was because of my crew, and yes it was!

When we drove off the ferry the weight lifted for me as it always does. I am just home. I am myself. It is a relief. We headed straight over to visit our dog who is not ours anymore. We had her for three years before our baby made it clear she would not share any sort of house with an animal that wanted so much attention. The couple that has our dog now are the sweetest humans and love her so dearly. 

Seeing her was such a blessing. She remembered us and her loving heart was beautifully expressed. Oh I just was so thankful to see her!

The Triumphs of March 2026

 Here are moments in photos from March. Every family is unique and every family has struggles. Our family has more than a few. However we also have our triumphs and they are glorious.