Waiting To Go To Sleep

 Here I am again and it is 10:56pm. Everyone in our house has such sleeping issues. It is really challenging. I wish I knew the remedy. I just got my twelve year old and three year old tucked in again. My twelve year old is sleeping in a room with his dad tonight as he just can't fall asleep alone this evening and my three year old is in my bed with my seven year old and I will crawl in there soon (I sleep with both of them in my bed every night). 

 Why do I share this? Because it is my reality and maybe it is yours as well. My husband and I don't share a room. He needs his sleep and I just don't get much. He sleeps alone and goes to bed early and I stay up with everyone and do every night shift. It is not what I would choose but it is what it is. Sometimes if a night is especially bad I will wake him up to help me but often he sleeps through it all.

 Not getting sleep is debilitating. It really takes away from the quality of life. If your life is like mine I hope in reading this you don't feel so alone (if you did indeed feel lonely). My grandson goes to bed at 8:00pm and loves to go to bed. He naps for three and sometimes four hours a day. Never in the history of EVER has a child of mine napped for such an extended time and NEVER daily. My daughter has three hours every afternoon where her child sleeps. I honestly cannot fathom. Then he also sleeps at night and for hours on end. I am woken up every two hours almost every night and it's not always by the baby. I know that one day everyone in my house will sleep. My nineteen year old and sixteen year old don't wake me up in the middle of the night anymore because of nightmares etc. So that's something :) But for so long parts of myself that are still there, still wishing to be lived out, are not able to, because of my lack of sleep. I can't articulate it well, but it is hard to feel that. 

Well, I spoke too soon :) As I was writing my three year old got up and now it is 11:11pm and she is sitting beside me eating the rest of my toast and once again ready to hang out till who knows when. She is also 'braiding' my hair and chatting away. 

 And so, if you are like me, waiting up for a child to fall asleep, knowing that they will just wake up again in a few hours, and you feel tired, exhausted actually, eyes dry, and body screaming to be able to lie down and just sleep, but you can't. I am with you. 

I have to go now and keep waiting until she surrenders to sleep. At least she's adorable.

Sending you lots of love and care,

Tansy

Grad Dress Shopping

   My sixteen year old is going to graduate next year, and where I live when you graduate you wear a gown of sorts. The other time you wear a really fancy dress in our culture is usually at your own wedding. Since she is graduating we need to find her a dress. When my oldest daughter graduated she was very excited to go and choose her dress. She has always loved to dress up and be a princess. My sixteen year old however has been as opposite as she could possibly be. She used to call herself Alex the Saver when she was little. She never wanted to wear a shirt and she often wore her brother's clothes. She owned no dresses and to this day if she wears a dress it is a big moment. Because of these tendencies I was not sure how going and trying on fancy, sparkly, princess dresses would go for her. 

 We went to a bridal store that also had graduation dresses. You had to make an appointment and you had an hour in the store. My oldest daughter and her newborn baby came with us too, because you could bring two people. There were three other girls there trying on dresses as well. When we first walked in my daughter got overwhelmed right away. There was every color of dress you can fathom and so many sequins and sparkles and trains and corsets! She was looking around wide and eyed. She was supposed to choose dresses to try on and couldn't. I asked her older sister to choose some and the attendant as well. Then she started trying dresses on and everything changed.

She is beautiful, as is every girl, and as soon as she started trying on these dresses her eyes began to sparkle. She quickly became an expert at what she liked and did not like. It was such a special experience to see her wear such beauty and come into her own in a different way than usual. A girl/woman that feels deeply beautiful brings a lot of joy to the world I think. The three other girls around her were also shining, and we made sure to compliment them, and the feeling in the store was one of tenderness somehow. These are moments that hopefully they will remember during harder times ~ the day they felt so beautiful and sparkly and light.

11:07 And Everyone Is Finally Asleep

 It is 11:07pm and my seven year old and three year old just fell asleep. I feel such deep relief to have this little chunk of the day alone. If I wake up early in the morning my three year old will wake up very shortly after. She is a bit intense, and I don't often get to go to the bathroom alone, if that makes sense. If I am in the kitchen she is up on a chair beside me. If I am in my bed reading she is in bed too and wants to be talking and hanging out. If I am headed somewhere in the car she would most definitely like to be going along as well. She is with me almost always and if she is not with me she is doing something like she did today. I was on the phone for a little while so she was downstairs liberally painting her hands and nails with sparkly nail polish! I had put that nail polish downstairs and up high so she could not access it but that girl will find a way! I know this needing to be with me so much will not last in some respects. I have had other children who wanted to be with me in the same way and I do get solo bathroom breaks from them now :)

The reality is that I don't know many other moms with children who are not good sleepers and who stay up really late. I was looking at videos of when my three year old was a few months old and many of them were made at about 1am because she usually would not end her day until 2am. She was happy and chatty and just not sleepy. 

Tonight my three year old had about a thirty minute screaming kicking tantrum because she was so tired (she did not nap today) and so her level of logic was gone. It was at about 8:30pm. I just needed her to get some PJ's on over her tutu as our house is getting pretty cold at night. She cried herself to sleep in the hallway and I woke her after about three minutes and she was raring to go and stayed up till 11:00pm! My three youngest have what I call, night anxiety. Maybe that's not something that exists, but at night they come out of their rooms after they have been tucked in. They have all had snacks, been read to, teeth have been brushed, they have been snuggled with, prayed for, but they will not stay in bed or fall asleep. This makes for long long LONG days. 

 So, once again (like my homeschooling post before this post), maybe that's you? I cannot force these children to sleep. Melatonin does not work on my youngest at all. When people talk to me about sleep training I feel like they don't understand when you are up and up and up with a child who is just not tired. I don't have a screen on for them. The lights are low but they are not interested in sleep. Sigh....it's been a long parenting journey. I actually remember my aunt telling me that as a baby her parents tied something around her leg to keep her safe and left her up alone and went to bed because she was such night owl. I have never stooped to that. I stay up every single night with every child. However this lack of needing much sleep seems genetic and from my side of the family!

Sometimes I would love to be able to feel normal and just tuck children in bed at like 8:00 and they all could sleep through the night. I would get some time with my husband and time to clean up dishes and just have an evening that didn't start at 11 or 12 at night. I don't though. So I just keep on keeping on. I have to say to that living this way takes away from the quality of your life. It takes a toll on the body. Having children that don't sleep well and who wake up grumpy day after day is a lot. I am sorry if this is your reality.

However this is what I DO have, children who are usually happy at night, full of energy, wanting lots of love and care. They are my treasures and as tired as I am I am glad they are mine. 

I hope, like my daughter (with two children) who lives downstairs, your children go to sleep at a decent time, and sleep deeply. I hope you get evenings to relax or catch up. I hope you get deep sleep :) Maybe, if you have these luxuries, you can treasure them just a bit more tonight for me.

xo

Tansy

                                                 

Homeschooling since 2012

  I have been a homeschooling mother since about 2012. I know I have written about this before but it is something I will keep writing about. Homeschooling was not something I dreamed of doing. I was homeschooled from the time I was in grade three until I was in grade seven and I actually loved it. My family lived in a sprawling, drafty, heritage house with a creek running along beside it. We had apple trees and meadows and the kindest neighbours. I had the most stunning view out of my homeschool room window and I loved to write and dream. I hated Math though. That was my downfall. 

  My mom was a certified teacher and a good one. She worked hard to help us memorize poetry and scripture and to cover all we needed to know. My siblings made teaching challenging for her and in the end she felt like she failed miserably. However I don't think she did at all. She contributed to a lot of magical childhood memories because we got to be free and outside so often and because she read such lovely literature and poetry to us. She also taught us about the famous composers and artists in history and took us swimming and ice skating every week. She was fantastic.

  Fast forward to when I became a mother and my oldest needed to start school. My mom had hammered into my head to NEVER homeschool. She had felt like it was so hard and that I could never do it. I was going to send my daughter to a public school just down the road but was told it was quite a rough place. I found out a local christian school had a very cheap rate for kindergarteners and so I signed her up there.

  By grade two I knew she needed to be homeschooled. She had gone through a lot in her life and her anxiety was consuming her. I joined right in in that anxiety and instead of giving her time to play and recalibrate at home before we started I tried to homeschool right away, and failed miserably. However I kept on homeschooling and homeschooling and homeschooling until today! I am still at it!

  I ended up with children with pretty extreme dyslexia and some with pretty extreme ADHD. I ended up with children with some extreme anxiety issues. I ended up with strong willed children who abhor learning from me. I ended up with children that would not necessarily thrive in a school setting. I also ended up with siblings who spent a lot of time together. I ended up with a lot of moments of togetherness that I would not have had since my children are so spaced apart in age (they are all three to five years apart). I have lived a life where I am constantly learning. 

 Homeschooling has never felt easy for me. There have been times where there is fun and connection and joy. However, truthfully my children are so hard to manage and teach. I do not run an efficient household meaning that my children refuse to do consistent chores or clean up after themselves. My two older children were not quite as strong willed in that sense but my three younger girls are something else!! My children don't tick boxes or fit into molds. Any other friend that homeschooled had such a different story than myself. That did not help me feel like any sort of competent normal person. I WISHED I could send my children to the homeschool community classes or sign up with the major homeschooling schools everyone else was with. However, I could not. I just struggled along year after year feeling like a failure even if actually I was far from it. 

Why write this?

 Maybe you are a homeschooling mother? Maybe it's not exactly your dream come true? My neighbour next door? She is a thriving homeschooling mother. She harvests dead birds wings and preserves them and loves lesson planning and having her children gathered around happily learning. Her children can write essays which is a big deal in my eyes. Another friend after homeschooling could put her child in school a grade ahead. Not one of the friends that I had that were homeschooling seemed to struggle in the same way I did. I felt like such a complainer! Maybe you feel like this too? Maybe the children at your co op or the other homeschooling moms seem to be thriving and you are barely hanging on?

 Maybe you are homeschooling because your children were suffering in school and you are doing this out of necessity. Maybe it stresses you out because of the pressure to succeed? Maybe you feel like this is not what you want for your life? Maybe you walk around touched out, over stimulated, and so wishing your child could go be taught by someone else each day not because you don't want to do it but because it feels impossible?

If so, well, I am sorry, and I understand. 

 I have had to examine my heart over and over through this. Homeschooling really is not about me in the slightest. Every new school year I have dreaded beginning and have struggled through the days. Some years I have felt more resolved and strengthened. Two years ago I homeschooled five children at very different grade levels with a baby on my hip and I know so many mothers do that. I felt pretty confident in some respects that year. That's a good one for me to file away....2024 was not so shabby :)

 However, I wanted to pass on a few tips for the not exactly thriving homeschooling mother.

 If you have any spare money at all....hire a housecleaner. Lift some of the load off your shoulders. If you have even more money...hire a mother's helper or a tutor. My two oldest children eventually ended up with government funding for special needs and so I was able to hire tutors to help them in their later years. This was a relief once we found the right people. OR maybe you have a mother or mother in law that would help? If so, you are blessed among women. Ask for help any time you feel you need it and I hope help comes. 

 If you can, take time in homeschooling to teach what you love. Maybe it is Science or writing. I LOVE to write but not a single one of my children love to write and some absolutely refuse. However I can read them poetry and books by good writers and so that is what I have done. I also love to talk about my faith and our family history and so I do that often.

 Carve out time for yourself. I have no idea what that may look like for you but it will enrich your life. It can be so simple and it doesn't mean you are child free. It may mean playing some of the music you like and drinking a cup of tea or going for a walk with everyone because nature really blesses you. It is just something that brings YOU joy :)

 Don't waste time being a victim or feeling like you are a failure if you can help it. I have done that WAY too much. Problem solve, figure out what works, have self discipline and find a good curriculum you like. It will take time and effort and consistency. It will also make all the difference. 

 This year I have kept things quite simple for myself. My curriculum for my seven year old takes about half an hour to do but she is learning language arts and math. She takes piano lessons and plays soccer and goes to a little four hour class once a week where she is out in nature, involved with animals, and does art and poetry memorization. There is so much more I could be doing but this is enough for this time. 

 My twelve year old is taking a year off. That means he is going to the class my seven year old is going to but the older version. He does math, Dutch duo lingo, spelling and reading every day and has tutoring once a week for language arts and history and he is in Boy Scouts. Once again, there could and should be so much more he is doing but for now this is working and he is happy and not fighting me. 

 This year both of the children are also registered homeschoolers rather than enrolled homeschoolers. Here where I live you can be registered until your child is in grade ten and they can still graduate normally. Being registered means you don't have a teacher writing you a report card and you do not need to report to a teacher weekly. You have a lot of flexibility and I am thankful for this. This was not an option I ever used until just a few years ago. It has been a good choice for this time in life.

 I hope that one day my children will go to school and thrive. I had wanted my twelve year old to go to school this year but he needed another year at home. My sixteen year old is attending a brick and mortar school for the first time ever and she is in grade twelve. She is thriving on so many levels and I am so grateful. 

 I want to be that mom that just loves homeschooling. I truly do. I want it to feel a bit easier, and nourishing, and warm, and just happy! It often is so opposite. The three year old cries and whines if I try to read aloud or teach. The seven year old has a negative attitude at learning time which is when the three year old magically naps, and I just feel exhausted with work and pressure and knowing I should be so much more than I am. 'Why am I like this,' is often what goes through my head. 

 However, this is reality and when I see homeschool moms on social media they look so put together I cannot fathom how they do it. Often they have a lot more children than I do as well and they are homesteading on top of it. I so deeply admire their capabilities and also know that is quite simply just not me. 

 This is my reality. May it NOT be yours, but maybe it is. If it is...well, keep on doing what you can. Do your best, work hard, stay the course, find help (don't go it alone if you don't have to) and take care of yourself okay! You are awesome. You are doing hard things and it matters. 

Bless you dearly!

Tansy

Also PS. 

Something that I find so interesting is that my parents have ten grandchildren and they all have been homeschooled. So far my daughter plans to homeschool her children as well! SO, my mom must have not failed quite as much as she thought she did considering all her children that had children of their own decided to homeschool.

Here is one of the beautiful moments of homeschooling ~ going to the zoo with cousins :)

Thoughts on Moving

 Thought on moving:

  When I was small I stayed in one town and one house (that I can remember) until I was eight year old. I then moved to an island, to a farm, and lived there till I was thirteen. I then moved back to the same town I had left and have stayed in this town ever since. One of the things that drew me to my husband, before we started dating, was that he didn't want to stay in this town. I didn't either. We dreamed of many things but nothing that involved this town. We have tried to move out of this town so.many.times. It has never worked!! It has sometimes felt so frustrating and we have lamented. 

  However, this town, the people, the opportunities, the lessons, it has been what we needed. If we had gotten what we wanted and left, things would have been so different. If we had moved when we first were married we would not have our oldest daughter. If we had been able to move out of our country to the third world country we planned on, our marriage surely would not have survived. 

  We have moved around this town (but stayed in one general area) more times than I ever imagined. We started our marriage moving a street down from my home I grew up in as a teenager. For the first few months I would pull in my parents driveway and then realize that I didn't live there anymore! Then we moved back to my parents house for almost two years. After that we moved to an apartment for a summer and then we bought a house. That house was a cold, drafty, beautiful, unique, heritage house that we adored. We brought home two babies there. Then we moved to a farm where we had renovated a massive barn to become our home. We lived there for a few years before needing to move rather abruptly. We ended up in a basement suite for six months before buying another home! After this we moved again and have stayed in this house for eleven years. All of these houses were located within a seven minute drive of each other. 

   I have brought two babies home to this house we live in now. We are most probably moving again, and soon. I cannot wrap my head around it. I honestly cannot see how I can pack up this house. It is so full. There is camping gear, clothing for upcoming children, winter gear, games, homeschooling books, toys and tools and linens, photo albums,  and the list of blessings is endless. The packing job is astronomical. I am such a sentimental person and most of my children are as well. Almost every possession holds memories and feels special. It can get ridiculous but it is what it is. We are not hoarders but we are lovers or our treasures! This move that we are doing is such a blessing and such an opportunity for growth and beauty. However a move is a move. It is daunting and exhausting and there is so much work. There are multiple renovations to do and all of the rests heavily on my husband. Can I help everyone with the transition? Can I manage my sentimentality? It is going to be an interesting last few months in this house. We have one last Christmas here but this last family dinner we had in October may be the last full family dinner we ever have in this house. My sister, who lived with us for years and who I think of as part of our family, was here for my daughter's sixteenth birthday and so all twelve of us were together in the house for I think the last time. My son is away for Christmas and so we will not all be together if my sister comes out as planned.

It just matters to me ~ all these details.

It just does

I would sometimes love to be just a bit less intense you know, manage change with more grace and less angst. I would love to be someone who looks forward to change and challenge but I hold onto to what I have now and find change daunting.

I am nearing the time where I need to start sorting and saying goodbye to unnecessary possessions and trying to envision where each thing will fit in a new space.

I just want to stay here. I just want to stay cozy and together.

I can to do this.

I can be an adult, talk myself through this, and be what I need to be.

But in this moment, late at night, while everyone is cozy, and asleep, and together....I wouldn't change it.

xo

If Only The Leaves Could Stay (and I could freeze time)

 The leaves are falling now

I wish I could ask them to stay

To explain that I want to freeze time

That time feels like those windy days where leaves swirl madly

My little grandson giggles in a way that I never want to change

And my youngest daughter dresses up like a princess every single day

My baby granddaughter is giving her first smiles 

The light in her eyes! It is breathtaking

The Autumn sunlight fills our front entryway with rainbows

Rainbows on the stairs

The glad game remembered

And the sky is the perfect blue untouched by pollution

The mountains are at their most majestic somehow

The air feels like how it must have felt before pollution came

And I only grow older

My skin starting to droop

My mind feeling scattered and 

Oh I don't want to forget!

Today my seven year old wanted to sew a dress

Just like that

No patterns, no forethought, no knowledge

She started cutting fabric and was quickly reduced to tears realizing that this could not be

At least not right that minute

But her confidence! 

And my twelve year old is hovering on manhood but still wants to show me things every day

I cannot fathom that my time as a mother with young children is so quickly fading away

I don't want the leaves to fall

I wish I could remember this, feel this, embrace this

For all time

It is so so SO precious

And so, if you are young mom reading this ~ if you are so tired, or bored, or feeling lost, 

I know

I am with you

And yet I am now through it too

And I will miss it every day for the rest of my life.

Deep inside me there will always be that longing AND that knowing

That THIS was the best years of my life ~ and drawing it out like I have

I am so thankful. 

I know that beautiful times are ahead as well. I am aware that there is always beauty. But this time, right now, with us all together in one house? It has been so incredibly precious. 

This is me in August 2023. Will this be my last baby? My last pregnancy? I expect so, but I will never say never.

New Chairs

  For a while now I have wanted to have matching chairs in my dining room. My house has a collection of furniture that is very elderly. I have my grandfather's uncle's table in our dining room. However my mom had to let go of the chairs at some point because she needed money. I have had a very random assortment of chairs around it. They ranged from two black chairs with velvet seats, to a vintage wooden chair with a covered seat, to two smaller wooden chairs and anyway the collection was not pleasing to the eye by any means. My husband built me a bench to go on one side of the table and I am so thankful for that. I just needed five chairs that were all the same and maybe had some sort of finish on them that didn't stand out all that much. A few days ago on a bidding site I saw some chairs that I thought could maybe work. They had a teal blue cover on the seats that I thought maybe could be recovered at some point. I watched the chairs and no one bid on them. The starting bid was $20.00 and there were six chairs offered. Eventually at the last hour I bid the $20.00 and won them. My husband picked them up and brought them home and I realized that the blue covers on them were temporary. Today my daughter removed the chair seats and took off the blue covers and underneath was a dark chocolate velvet with a hint of red. This was better than I could have imagined. We removed all the blue covers and I washed and shined the chairs and put them around the table and for the first time I have matching chairs and all for $20.00. They are made of wood, sturdy, vintage and beautiful to me.

 One of my couches is from my parents, another couch is off of a marketplace site, a chair is from the same site. Everything I own is second hand and nothing matches. We have never bought anything new from my recollection. I am happy with this but there is the odd time (like in the last year) that I have wished for something that is cohesive (my dining room chairs matching). 

Anyway it was just a little (or not so little) something that brought me great joy today. 

Chairs :)

I hope you have a lovely Sunday and that as you go forward into this week, whatever the weather, whatever the circumstances, that you will find strength and courage to keep on.

Love Tansy