What Cancer Has Given Me ~ And So I Must Say Thankyou

   When I was the ripe and ill prepared age of twenty two I traveled the cancer journey. It was a rocky treacherous road for me. When I had my last chemo session I feel like I had been completely emptied of all those starry eyed moments we are so often gifted with in youth. I now KNEW what 'adulthood' meant in so many ways, and it did not get easier after the last bits of chemo dripped out of that plastic bag up on the IV rack and into my bruised hand. I went home from the hospital. There was no more chemo treatments looming, and tried to somehow recover ~ to recover my innocence, my friendships, my joy, my marriage, my hope ~ and the other things that I lost along that road.
As the years have slipped on however ~ sometimes I have these moments of startling clarity where I realize how much cancer gave me. Here is a random list that was in my mind today.

 Every season of each year holds delight. It does not fail me. When a new season slips or swaggers on in I welcome it and revel in it. The blossoms and newness of spring, the warmth and long days of summer, the crispness and color of fall, the glitter and nakedness of winter ~ it all is noticed to its fullest for me. I remember that first Spring after I had cancer. I had a job where I drove the highway for about two hours each work day, and the trees and daffodils that lined the highway made me ache with joy that I had not felt in quite that way before.

My hair became less of a nuisance to me and more of a blessing. I appreciated its' fullness, its' texture, its color and vibrance. I realized it was an important part of who I was and losing so much of it and the way I lost it helped me want to appreciate it and its' gift to me. Having thick hair fall out in clumps, waking up with handfuls lying on your pillow ~ it does something to your heart. When your hair comes back you feel a different sense of dignity return you did not necessarily realize you carried before.

Birthdays ~ I just wanted to celebrate them and wanted to be celebrated. The birthday I had after I had recovered was a triumph and my friends put so much into it for me. I had shaggy hair and a shakey smile but I felt like everyone was cheering that I was still alive and I wanted that fact to matter ~ I still do. I am thankful for every birthday still!

I am so grateful for my general health. Since getting cancer I have never been as healthy again. However I do not have spend my days in the hospital or in chronic pain and my cancer was relatively easy to eradicate.

I am so thankful for my senses. I adore that I can smell, taste, feel, see and hear. Having the chemo took away some of those sensations from me for a while or made them a curse. When that was done and smells and tastes were delicious again, touch didn't cause pain, and sound wasn't overwhelming it was like I was made new.

After cancer was done I spent a good amount of years being angry. I was angry probably mostly at myself and my inability to cope. Holding this burden close did not help me.  I  latched onto relationships with a vengeance that was not healthy. I hoped being the perfect friend or spouse would make me FEEL better, cleansed and whole. It did not work. I was left void and dark. So often it would go back to the cancer. Really though it went much farther back but the cancer was where I felt safe to start. I worked through bitterness, anxiety, abuse and so many hurts. I had to ever so slowly redefine myself. Without cancer would this have happened? Maybe, MAYBE; but not in my twenties and probably not in the way that it had to happen in order to go on. I had been great at using my wounding and holding it close for many years, and the evilness of cancer made the wounding too deep to bear.

There are many more things that bless me every day but the biggest one is the fact that every day I realize that this could be the last time. It could be the last time I see someone smile or have a conversation. I feel the fragility of my breath and life itself, because of this I have tried to document the preciousness of my children and leave them with the story of themselves. I have made them baby books and scrapbooks and written them letters and have felt that if I was to die ~ they would know that I was aware of their preciousness, who they were and are, and that I adored them. I might not have been so aware of all these little things. I might not have tried to remember them in such clarity.
I also feel that to the best of my abilities I try to celebrate and value the people in my life. I might not have valued them or realized their worth to such a degree if I had not had cancer.

I think the other thing I realized was that being mad at 'God' and putting all the ugly on Him was just such a waste of time for me ~ when I realized all I was able to glory in~ take part in! In regards to the splendor of the rich trees, the splendid grasses, the delicate blossoms, the juicy berries, the majestic mountains, the mighty rivers ~ it was such gifts to be cherished. All of these great works of art speak so deeply to my soul. The way that a horse feels and smells, the soft skin of my babies, the rough hand of my husband as I hold it...I felt like I didn't need to wonder if God was 'good' or if He 'allowed' all the bad to happen. I felt like I had faced the darkness of the yawning chasm of much, and realized it is indeed there (the evil, the darkness). However not much of that has to do with God himself. He asks of us yes, but he gives all good. I can feel that when I am outside, in the communion of it all. I was able to take hold of that fully after cancer. I have not let it go. My soul is wide open to His breathe, His love, His nurture, His embrace, His shelter, and all that being in Him entails.


It is in every breathe, in every moment, in all the sadness, the anger, the overflowing joy, the moments that every day holds; that we are here for. There is much at work to steal that, to taint it, to ruin it. Cancer showed that to me in the most concentrated clear form. Yet it did not have to win and it did not.


So cancer, my dear, I must say thank you. It was a horrific relationship. You broke me I admit. You also tortured me to the fullest and yet in it all I was able to rise. I was not renewed but I was remade. The journey continues as you left lasting scars. However these scars are now like medals, I suppose, and my reminders. Let me be clear, you are never welcome anywhere near me again; but thank you from all that is within me. Thank you.