My husband took the two oldest to church. I did not got because my five year old threw up in the night! So I am not sure if we are actually free of sickness or not! She seems bright and chipper right now. She is pretending she is a Linja (Ninja) and she has black long johns of her brother's on and a red rubber work out band tied around her forehead and a yellow one around her waist. She is doing all sorts of Linja moves. My little one year old has an 'owie' on his hand and he just can't get over it. He keeps showing me, crying a little, and then sometimes trying to do a Linja move except he can't get both feet off the floor at once. I am sitting at my dining room table looking into my back yard and I can see four trees across the road that are on the verge of blossoming. They are a dusky rose in color right now but soon they will be pale with delicate blossoms. The tree in our front yard is also going to blossom soon with purple blossoms and then be thick with dark green leaves. The mountains have some fresh snow on them today and the sky is, as usual, grey. We did have some sun this morning though.
I am feeling the need for some creative inspiration. Last night I looked through a photographers pictures on facebook and that helped a little. Seeing the beauty of someone elses world, and how they have captured it, is such a privilege. I know I need to get out of my house today before the week starts again and my husband is gone for eleven hour days. I wish I knew what to do. I often just go for a drive but today I want something more. I know I am wishing for a good chat with someone. I like to process and just live by talking. It helps get things out for me. My brain feels clearer. Somehow talking to children just does not do it for me! My husband is also not a verbal processor. So I might just have to go and talk to myself for a while! I want to feel that clearness. Does that make sense?
Sundays are my hardest day. I used to go to church which meant getting up and trying to get everyone ready. My oldest son did not want to go and so trying to get him to do anything usually resulted in tears. It was stressful and unpleasant. At church he would curl up in a ball every single Sunday. Since I had my youngest I have made a lot of changes in my life because I finally had to.It wasn't changes that just happened because I had a breakdown; it was changes I purposefully made. It has not been easy for those around me who were used to me bending over backwards trying to cater to them. I just have stopped. I do not go to church because it just drains me more. I stopped making dinners and we started eating a lot of fast food and food that was not healthy (but it was easy) and I stopped a lot of other things. I felt so much of my worth coming from all I could DO for people, and I feel like so much of how I value myself has now disappeared. However I just got so tired that I physically could not do. My brain would think of things I really wanted to do but I just could not do it. I now have a life that most people around me do not understand at all. I think people usually FEEL like they are at the point I am at but they are not. I see people breaking down all around me but they still do not stop. They still do not simplify. That is fine and good for them but for me I had to. My children needed all I had to give and more. Cutting everything out did not make the difference though. My sister moved in and has helped me with chores around the house and I had a girl that the school hired come and help me three times a week with my homeschoolers. It has been been four months now since I have had this girl helping with the children and my sister has been here six months. Sundays are still a hard day for me and I am still not going to church (and honestly since at least one child has been sick every Sunday since Christmas I can't help it much).
I know though that I am feeling more capable. I feel so thankful that I am getting to that 'other side' that I hear parents talk about. My oldest is eleven and the fact that she can get her own breakfast and lunch made is amazing. I am thankful she loves to cook and therefore is willing to help with meals sometimes. My nine year old is just now feeling capable of helping do small chores and a couple mornings ago he told me, with eyes shining, that he had ~ washed a dish!!!! ~ it was so precious. He has overcome a lot of obstacles as has my eldest. I have had to do so much problem solving to try to figure out ways to help them and help myself cope with all that life hands to each of us. None of my children have been ones that needed much sleep or desired much sleep and so for ten years I have not had consistent sleep. My baby is just starting to sleep for four to six hour stretches occasionally in the night and I can feel that difference. It has been such a long hard road. I am sick of saying that but it has. It has taken all of me ~ I have had to let go of all I thought I knew. I feel like I do not have the slightest inkling of who I will be when I emerge from this chapter of life. It has been different than I thought and what I needed in every way. Well everyone is home now. Since my little on threw up and everyone went swimming yesterday I have about four loads of laundry. Thank God for my washing machine. Thank you for reading. I appreciate every second you give me. Off I go :)
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