So I have this issue with FOOD! I have REALLY started to have an aversion to cooking it. I grew up with an interesting mix in that my mom had an eating disorder and my dad was a cook. So there were very mixed signals regarding food in our home. We ate quickly and got away from the table as soon as humanly possible. Food was not to be enjoyed or savored it seemed. When I moved out, before I got married, I lived with a girl who was an amazing cook. It was inspiring, beautiful, artistic and I was awed by her abilities. She had grown up with a mother who cooked amazing, delicious, wholesome food and so food had a happy good place in her heart. I think I have always found food stressful. There were a lot of undercurrents around food in my house growing up and I was the oldest child so I was very aware of it. When I lived with this friend, who had such a wonderful ability with food, I realized that I hoped I could be that way when I was 'grown up.' I also observed a friend I had in highschool who always had such delicious lunches made from left overs from dinner. She talked a lot about her amazing family dinners and I had this wish that I could re created that in my family. My friend's family would talk and laugh and EAT for up to two hours each evening! Well, alas and alack this has not happened often in my married life. I did a post previously about our dinner times and how hard they are but how I have not given up yet! However in the last two years our families diet has been the poorest in our history. We live on grilled cheese, french toast and cereal and pizza. There ARE other things in there, and sometimes I can get a healthy soup made or some vegetables cut up, but it is rare. Making dinner to me feels like I am running a marathon I have no strength to run. Usually it is also not liked by a couple children and I let that discourage me. I think it translates to me being so incredibly tired, a lot of people needing food all the time, and people with all sorts of food issues and sensitivities.
Today a couple things have happened that I hope are going to help me bring about some sort of change in our eating habits. Number one I went to the dentist and I am in danger of losing all my teeth in a relatively short amount of time. The PH levels in my mouth are very acidic and I have gum disease and there are other issues as well. I am someone that has valued my teeth and tried to take extremely good care of them since I was a young teenager so it is devastating news. The bone and gum issues have degenerated a lot in the last two years and that is directly related to our diet and my being pregnant and now nursing for nineteen months. Another happening today was that I took a couple of my children to my naturopath doctor and they are showing obvious signs of lack of nutrition and their bodies are suffering. When I got home I was talking to my husband about this. My nine year old son, who is the child who wore me down through years of refusing to eat almost everything, was listening. Lately he has been asking me about eating healthy and has been worried about his own teeth as he is showing signs of gum disease. Today he asked me if we could start eating better. He said he felt like he would be willing to try to make healthier choices. It blew my mind really. However I felt so incapable. So I went in my room and called my sister. She follows a way of eating for her husband's health that does not allow any grains or sugars or dairy other than homemade yogurt. She encouraged me so much and gave me some simple steps to start with. The number one thing is to never open the fridge aimlessly when I am hungry. I need to step out of the kitchen, think about what I would like to make and go from there. I loved that idea.
I am not sure where this day, March 9th, my late grandmother's birthday, is going to take me but I hope that it is to much healthier stronger places. I have been thinking about selfishness and self centeredness and how I have been very self centered in many ways. I serve and do what needs to be done but often I am thinking of myself the entire time and begrudging the actions and therefore not happy to be doing whatever needs to be done. I want to be able to give out of a willing heart, a heart that feels full! Often I go through the day physically hungry and tired. I open the fridge and feel overwhelmed and frustrated. I want to feel efficient and capable in my kitchen! I do not want to feel like food is an enemy. This is something I hope to be able to work on this Spring. Cutting out sugar will be a bit like cutting off my right foot. I feel like I need sugar to walk. It comforts me, gives me energy and I am totally addicted to it. I have cut it out of my diet here and there in the last few years but it has never lasted more than a month. However, if our family is going to recover from its numerous 'gut' issues, sugar consumption needs to be drastically reduced. NEVER have I felt strong enough to tackle this for more than a few weeks time. I don't know if I am now.
Today my son said, 'Mom I think we can do this, I think you can do this.' I really do not want to let him down. He does not want to lose all his teeth at a young age and right now if he does it will be my fault. So I write this to remind myself, to mark the magnitude of this day for my son and his feelings of capability. I write this to remind myself that I am a mother therefore at this stage of the game I must be a cook. Feel free to leave comments with any recipes that your family loves that is dairy, grain and sugar free. Have a lovely Thursday tomorrow. May your heart feel strong, encouraged and inspired! Love Tansy
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