The Wounds of Adoption (Part Four) My Fears

   Adoption ~ I think about it in some respect almost every day. This is partly because somewhere in this town is my daughter's birth mother and for that matter my daughter's birth father. I don't know what her birth father looks like, or really who he is for sure, so he does not haunt me in the same way. However my daughter's birth mother sort of fell off the face of the earth about four years ago. She was so involved in our lives and we loved her a lot. However things happened and she started to struggle with different addictions. She started not showing up for planned visits and one day that was it and my daughter has never seen her since. Sometimes I hear about her from others. Sometimes people see her but I do not. Sometimes I have wondered if she is still alive. There have been times when I heard she was not going to live long ~ and then she pulled through. Every day that I drive around our town I wonder and I remember that somewhere she is here and I look for her. Sometimes my heart leaps because I think, 'there she is,' but then it isn't her. I did see her once a couple years ago and I had an anxiety attack as I was driving. I had all the children in the car and thankfully my daughter did not see her. Another time also a couple years ago I ran into her at the hospital. She was not doing well at all and I could see that clearly. I was helping a friend with her little girls so I only had a second to give her a hug and kiss. We didn't even really talk. She couldn't really talk anyway. It was heart breaking to see her so.

   I write this because I often have nightmares about seeing her because of all it might signify. I also have nightmares about her extended family finding our house and breaking the door down. I don't know why they break the door down but it is what my brain does. These nightmares about her birth family stem from situations we had with them when we had to tell them that we could not see them anymore (for multiple reasons that involved our daughter's well being). I think the reason it haunts me so much is because I know my daughter longs for her birth mother. I know she loves me and she loves her dad so much, but at the core of her being she also longs for her. She has all these unanswered questions. Why did her birth mother just disappear, where is she? Is she still alive? We have had to tell her about certain choices her birth mother has made but at her age it has been almost impossible for her to comprehend.

  I think mostly why this all haunts me so much is that I feel like if her birth mother decides to track us down ~ all it will take is a hug, a present and she'll just have swept right in and I will be nothing anymore (this stems from past experiences also). That all I have done, all the work and love, tears and everything I have given, will be worth nothing. Honestly I don't know if this is at all true. It is just the vulnerable beatings of my heart. It stems from all the time we have spent with her and all the tears my daughter has cried through the years for her. Like I have said in previous posts I have had to share my daughter. Never will she be all my own in the way that my birth children are but that is not by choice on my end. It is so much harder then I ever thought it would be. I was so naive when we adopted that I didn't give it much thought. When I did, I brushed it off, maybe thinking I'd be mature enough or strong enough. I did not get it! I did not get how attachment really is everything and how it does not always come easily at all. However this attachment, this love ~ I have had to work so hard to build the bridges, to scale the walls, to gain trust and attachment in this relationship I have with my daughter ~ and it feels so fragile because quite frankly, it is. When all her birth family eventually faded out of the picture it became so much easier to reach my daughter;s heart. Every time she had contact with them it was such a stark reminder of her wounding, and it would set her back for weeks on end. She would be so emotional and unable to voice her pain and so reactionary. It was very hard to watch and we were not just watching we were living in it. That became a lot less when they were not there so much~ reminding her. However, I know they all live relatively close. I know we could run into them anywhere at any time. I think this has made me realize just how fiercely I do love my daughter, how strongly I want to guard her heart and vulnerability. I love her so much. I have seen her so hurt. I don't want those doors to have to be opened ever again. However who am I kidding. She is eleven now. More and more as time goes on there will be things that come up. Just a couple weeks ago I got a facebook message from one of her birth family members asking for contact. I felt sick with anxiety and worrying about what it all might mean. However I did end up talking to my daughter and she calmly told me she felt it best if she did not see them or talk to them because it was too hard for her. She ended up writing a letter and sending a picture.

  The reasons I feel like I do are strong reasons. I started off so open to all family, to all contact. It was an open adoption right? Yes! We did the Christmases and the birthdays with family and included everyone that we could. We tried to do everything right. We tried to care for everyone's feelings. As time wore on though I could see how much pressure it put on my little girl to perform, to make these people feel good about themselves. I also saw how unhealthy and unnatural it all was for her even though I was taught that her 'birth' family was so important. It is!!! But more importantly is a safe and strong attachment. I saw that her heart could never feel truly safe with anyone because she always felt such a pull. It has been nice in some ways to have a break from it all. However, like I said, the nightmares for me are ever present. I hope and pray that when the day comes ~ whatever that day looks like ~ that I will be able to feel a peace in my heart that my daughter knows that her heart is home in mine; that she is safe here always; that she will not ever be abandoned by us, and that our love can be accepted. I also hope that if that is still not the case I can be prepared enough to weather that storm well.

   No matter how you become a parent the unknowns are massive and you don't even really think to much about it all because you can't comprehend it fully until you are in it. It comes in waves these unknowns, these insecurities, these growing pains! Sometimes the wounds are intense and the work it takes to heal them is unimaginable. However it is worth it all.

   In the end I have to let my daughter go because we all have to let our children go in a sense in the course of their growing and maturing. It is this immense and unimaginable process that at this point in time I can't comprehend because all my children are still so little. However I feel like I have had a taste in some respects and that the holding close now is so vital. The holding close to help in the process of the wound healing and the hopefulness of seeds of safety and peace and love being planted slowly and steadily so that some day Spring can come and the seeds can grow and blossom.