April 2022

 Spring is glorious. It just holds hope and that is what we always need.

Turning Forty

  I am now forty. Turning forty blindsided me. I took weeks lamenting it, creating bits of drama about it in conversation. I felt foolish but I also could not ignore how awful it felt. I had many reasons around it all but I think what it boiled down to was there is change coming. 

  I have been a mother since I was in my young twenties. It has been so immersive and such a consuming part of my life that I have slowly let go of and tried to forget most other parts of me that have wanted to still be here and still matter. Since I have not been able to manage balance better I have felt shame at my lack and my inability. In turning forty my oldest child is graduating and talking more and more about spreading her wings and flying away. I want all that is good and lovely for her, but I realize just how fast this time has flown by. It was not long ago that she was two years old and trying to say ambulance in the most precious way in the world (ambulumps). I want to stay here forever honestly. It is selfish I guess? But I want to stay here, still youngish, with all my children home with me. This time with them in all their stages has taught me so much and given me a lot of love that has felt genuine and heart felt. The rest of the world marches on and people change and relationships feel vulnerable or always changing. In all honesty, it is safer here for me ~ where I am right now ~ and everything within me screams NO. I do not want this to change. It is too precious, too precious. It matters so much.

  And so forty has come, change is always happening. My youngest is no longer a baby. My body has always felt very weak and yet it has done so much for me. Getting to forty is a triumph really because sometimes just staying alive, just staying here, it seemed like maybe it wasn't supposed to be.

 So in the end after all my angst I was able to plan something, and dear ones put much effort into celebrating me, and I appreciate it with every fibre of my being. And here I am. Forty. Thank you to all those who are witness to my life. Who cheer me on, take time for me, and who care. It means everything.