Five Months Old

 Our baby is five months old already ~ actually she is five and a half months old. She is rolling over, saying mama, she recognizes those she loves and lights up with joy when she spots them across the room. She has had so many colds but managed to ward off the flue. She is a chubby, smiley, friendly, chatty soul that is such a bright addition to our family. When people tell me they are done having children at one or two I get it but in my mind I also think about what they may be missing. Each child is so unique, so full of energy and love and they add a dynamic to the family that is all their own. Each child holds such gifts in them that they give to the family as well. 

Pregnancy, childbirth and raising children is a mammoth accomplishment and deeply sacrifical. It is not for everyone. I often wonder what I might have been if I had not chose this path. I have found it so challenging, so incredibly hard. Yet it also has brought fullness to my life that I do not take forgranted. It has been the greatest gift for me.

In making this choice to have children all through my child bearing years ~ time tends to fly even as it may crawl. You stop to take a breath and realize that the baby who was just new born is now getting ready to crawl and has changed so dramatically in such a short amount of time. As you step even farther back for a moment you realize how full life is and how intense it is ~ you realize how quickly stages in life are gone ~ all these moments ~ so full of beauty or pain ~ that are gone but you were there ~ they are in your brain, in your memories, stored in your body. 

The type of person that I am ~ I just want to hold all these moments close, to savour them, to not waste them! I was thinking about my grandparents this week. A friend brought up the fact that my grandpa was a sasquatch expert and all these memories I had stored inside me flooded through. My sister mentioned my grandma's meatballs and once again so many memories ~ my grandparent's voices, their smell, all these memories in me ~ they came.

I have been worried that all these moments with my baby will be forgotten ~ her soft chubby kissable cheeks ~ that I wont remember how they feel. Her little voice, how her lips pout before she starts crying, how her arms lift up for me now, how she gently puts her hand on my cheek, how her eyes are light and adoration and beauty. I just adore her and my heart aches with it. I know all too well how the seasons change and I worry that I will never be able to remember these moments once this stage is done. 

My next season of life is menopause and that seems to have come really quickly you know? And so this week when I was flooded with memories of my grandparents I realized that it was okay. This season is one to continue to savour, treasure, hold close, but also I will remember ~ and it will be a gift.

I hope there are days when memories bring you deep joy and connection too. 

Love Tansy

A New Day

  Winters here where I live are dark and dreary and often this type of weather goes on for days. Seasonal depression is a real concern here. People purchase happy lights and try all sorts of different things to get through this season. I find it really hard for our family in terms of health. We are often unwell from January to March. Our house is lovely, amazing, but we are all in our living room together all the time and people start to get on each other's nerves. Pair that with sickness, dark weather and damp cold and it's not the most pleasant or cheerful environment. We are in the thick of this season right now. I am home for days on end only leaving to run a quick errand or drive someone to an activity. It wears me mentally thinner and thinner. 

  However, because of this I can't completely express to you the joy that a day full of sunshine brings! The sunshine feels like a benediction. People feel more energetic, more capable, happier, more ambitious and they realize that they are okay! That life is worth living, that it was just the weather! (cue a sigh of relief) It is not easy to go day after day wishing for sun but we do. When it comes it is such a blessing. 

  The other day the sun came out. The weather felt almost spring like. Everyone bundled up and headed outside. Snowdrops are blooming in our front yard under our Japanese Maple and Robins are back in town. The neighbor children were outside on roller blades and scooters and so everyone joined forces to expend energy. I chatted to my neighbor who I had not seen all winter. The life that I could feel pouring into me sustained me through the next few days of my baby getting quite sick and then all the rest of my children following suite. This was just weeks after everyone getting the flue one by one. 

  Life is like that. Suffering or going without has this opportunity to bring a renewed or heightened sense of gratitude.  As I journey through another winter trying to keep my head above water and trying to lead my family through the dark days I feel overwhelmed and hopeless ~ and then a sunny day comes and I am so filled with thankfulness. So onwards and upwards we go as we make it through another winter one day at a time. 

That's all :)

Tansy