I think about so many things. My mind feels like it's the ocean in a storm and the waves are high and tossing wildly. So often I want a break from my mind and my tossing thoughts. For a while now I have been thinking about my age. It is almost my birthday and I am turning forty two.
I am middle aged now.
As I see the aging process happening to my skin and hear how my voice has changed, see my teeth shift, see the hump in my upper back, and feel the constant pain in my body...I think about the future.
I have observed those who age lose a sort of physical beauty that they had when they were younger. Eyes dim, they really do, skin develops wrinkles and spots, hair is grey or white and the list goes on. Beauty from within really does make all the difference.
An open, vulnerable, forgiving soul that holds joy is the key to true beauty that cannot be dimmed. I have observed so many hardened hearts, so many souls that cannot forgive pain from the past. I have lived with people who hold grudges like precious treasures and who live in a deficit. As any beauty I may have had fades I hope...I HOPE... I can focus on what I would like to be rather than who I do NOT want to be. I hope I can stay present, I can forgive, I can usher in gladness and thankfulness and wear it like a beautiful cloak of light.
It is so easy to do the opposite.
So easy to blame God or blame parents or blame whoever you have decided needs to be blamed.
I've seen where that leads though and it is to a death deep and dark before your heart comes even close to physically stopping. It drives away any connection and leaves you a grasping gasping individual who lies and takes. I have also seen the opposite. Souls that have walked through many fires, who have been burned and bruised and battered and often by those who were supposed to love them and treasure them. A heart that can forgive and have boundaries and that can enter into callings of creativity and wholeness and joy...that heart needs no original hair color or unlined skin or outwards beauty. I must hold that close to my heart and hold it before me too.
xo
