Postpartum

 I wrote this poem a while back. I still consider myself post partum and will do so for a year at least. Having a baby and recovering can take considerable time depending on who you are and the state your body is in. It is a whole journey unto itself. 

Postpartum

I cut my hair off

Took handfuls and just cut

Jagged edges were left

But I felt relieved

It was falling out so severely

I felt undone

I have taped pictures on my walls

Thirty-eight and counting

So I can see

See who I was

Where I've come from

My memories

Me

I have treasures on counter tops

On windowsills, on the tops of book cases

Gifts from those that have loved me

And so many books from my grandmother and mother

Beautifully flowered skirts hang in my closet

And my heart pounds out of my chest

So I put on my worn out 

Many years old sweatpants

Stick my jagged hair in a bun

Look into my red rimmed eyes and think

I haven't given up 

Not yet

And I go wash more dishes

Thankful for the warm water

I snuggle the baby's cheek to mine

I marvel at how much I am like my mother

And know how normal that is and how hard

I strap on my runners

Exercise

It's supposed to happen

Something is always pulling me away

I clean endlessly

I pick up socks

Thinking

One day, one day, I will miss this dearly

I listen

My heart pounds

Hydrate, hydrate

My mind flying in circles

I wonder

I wish answers would bring healing

Change even?

I look into my red rimmed eyes

I haven't given up

Not yet