I have been feeling the weight of generations lately. I talked to my mother a few days ago and was reminded of her journey through life. I felt a lot of grief, and this got me thinking about my grandfathers and beyond them as well. I have a whole mix of ancestral shores. My folk come from Ireland, Scotland, England and more. Why did they come to Canada and what were their circumstances? How did we get the genetic illnesses that we have in our genes? I have so many questions and not many answers.
Some of my children are reaching adulthood and my first biological child has always struggled deeply. I believe they are a highly sensitive individual and they have extra high anxiety coupled with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome and other things. I am essentially a genetic dumpster fire of unknowns and have passed on many things I didn't know I had to my children. My paternal grandfather fought through the Second World War starting in his teen years. I believe he was a highly sensitive person that would not have been given many tools to manage that sensitivity. I think after the war the trauma would have been beyond cruel to his body and brain. He brought eight children into the world. My maternal grandfather had a famous father who was rarely home. His mother died from cancer when he was a young adult I believe. He was an artist really, and so highly sensitive and probably anxious as well. This came out of both men in various forms of abuse. My mother managed this by becoming highly controlling and manipulative and my dad had very low capacity for managing his big emotions at home. He also ended up choosing the worst possible job for his mental state but excelled at it in public. At home he could not cope with the fallout of the job. It's just been a cruel reality for myself and my siblings and then now I am raising six children of my own and I see the fallout of my failure in the struggles of my oldest children. I take full responsibility and also recognize the weight of the generations of trauma that get handed down and down and down. I have wanted to mitigate the effects of trauma somehow for my children but didn't really know how and finding out how is not an instant process. I have caused them trauma in various ways. It is such a nightmare. There is SO MUCH to learn and to heal from and how? How? HOW? It doesn't just magically come ~ the healing ~ it takes a life time because it comes from my DNA and from my childhood and from it all!
I wanted to say too ~ and I write this with tears ~
My ancestors were hard workers, they were smart (some of them geniuses), and they were survivors. My ancestors were kind and giving people (very giving). They were very creative. They loved nature and animals and beauty. The sea called to their souls. They felt peace in nature and on water. They were writers, master gardeners, musicians, and could express themselves through song and verse. They were handsome and tall and small and tough. They fished and wrote books, and farmed, and influenced and sang. They danced and served and gave and gave. I am so thankful to them for that. I want to be more, I want to heal more. I want to draw people in rather than repel people away. I want to be able to handle rejection and cruelty with grace and maturity and I want to hold my children with such gentleness and love.
Walking around in a highly sensitive body with generations of trauma is not for the weak.
I am not weak
You are not weak
There is strength to draw on
Not just from you or from myself
But from the Holy Spirit
From God
And that is lasting and powerful and makes a difference. It also brings the most powerful sense of hope and peace.
So as I recognize both the struggles and the beauty that come from my ancestors, and as I see the struggles and the beauty in my own children, I hope to bring honour and healing to this family through hard work, through commitment, and through grace. It is worth it ~ so worth it ~ but turning a tide? It won't be impossible but it will take all I have!
xo
Tansy
