My Midwives My Heroes

  I have four children. For two of my births I have had midwives deliver my babies. The first time I had a midwife was for my third child. I had a hospital birth. During the birth my baby got stuck for multiple reasons and she had to be delivered by a doctor and then I had to be taken in for emergency surgery an hour after I had had my sweet baby girl. This whole experience could have been quite traumatic...however with my midwife by my side I was okay. She stayed by my side even through the surgery she got permission to stay with me. I felt like she was a guardian angel and she stayed with me through my recovery process and became a dear friend to me. She changed my life in many ways.

  The next time I gave birth this midwife who had delivered my daughter was on maternity leave. She agreed to still attend my birth (bringing her sweet baby and wearing him for much of my labor while still being a complete support to me) and be my doula. However once she got to the birth she ended up being the second attending midwife as I had my fourth baby at home. The midwife who had followed me through my pregnancy was a rock for me. She felt so confident I could deliver safely at home even with my rather dodgy delivery history. She gave me such peace of mind (even though I had been highly recommended a C Section by others) and she delivered my nine pound baby (my biggest baby by far) perfectly. It seemed like a miracle and really it was.  The above picture is Cheryl filling out paperwork while everything in readiness for the birth is layed out on our dining room table that we had moved into the living room!
 

  Something I will never forget about giving birth at home with these two specific midwives with me is how loved and supported I felt. I had never in my life felt so cared for and so upheld. They did everything they could to give me choices and help me feel safe and calm, and there was just something about being at home that filled me with peace. The whole experience was a redemption experience for me in such a big way.  I am so grateful for these woman and the gifts they continually give by sharing their hearts and lives with women  in our community the way they do.

                                       This is Bethany bathing me in prayer and peace.

          They are getting ready to deliver the baby and the joy I see in Cheryl's face is so beautiful.

                          And here he is safe and sound ~ you can see the celebration and joy in all of us. 

  I wish I could properly express what that day did for my soul. I will never forget how loved and cared for I felt. There is something about being in your most painful and vulnerable state and being completely loved and given to selflessly that never leaves your heart. It has filled a part of my soul with eternal sunshine that nothing can take away. Today I wanted to remember how I felt; I wanted to  look at the pictures and just take a moment to reflect.

  Thank you Bethany and Cheryl for being so loving and caring to me and to all the woman you serve. Thank you for the sacrifices you make daily to support and nurture woman as they embark on such life changing journeys. Thank you for bringing hope and peace to our hearts in our most vulnerable moments. Thank you to every kind and giving midwife out there.  My baby is two and a half years old and he is a constant reminder of one of the best days of my life. xo

Bloom

  There is a Creator. I know that to the depths of my being. I grew up with a grandfather who I think also knew that, but tried as hard as he could to refute that. He and I had some very similar qualities and it almost cemented in me even more deeply my belief that was so opposite from his own.
  On Saturday I stood on slippery green rocks and listened to waves come to shore. I saw massive freighters far out in fog and mist and watched ducks crest the waves. Behind me dogs were running in the sand and rain and all around me color, depth and beauty filled me. I dont pretend to understand it all but in having children, in reliving the wonder of childhood through them, in homeschooling and learning about the astounding, overwhelming amount of species, the creativity, the color, how every living thing has a purpose and we dont know them all yet...it just proves it all to me.
  And I walk in that wonder.
  A couple days ago my sister came inside her eyes shining....'Tansy we have SNOWDROPS in our front yard!' The children had come in a couple days before that joyfully proclaiming the amazing news. There are bulbs coming up in this new yard and we are going to be discovering daily the gifts that the earth offers faithfully.
  There is so much trauma that abounds every day. I sometimes work through it more during different times and right now I feel I am working through some old trauma, some new trauama, and I am ever more and deeply more thankful for creation. For the Creator. The purpose I see all around and the light that shines even in the darkness that comes from people's choices or just the imperfections that this world has...That light shines with so much more brightness than all the darkness can ever try to cover.
  I am so thankful for this. For childlike wonder, for joy, for hope, for peseverance, for heart ache, for opportunities to lift up my head and attempt to bloom anew and afresh.
 That is all ~
Love Tansy

Drew

I'll love you
Through every happy moment filled with gladness
Through every dark moment filled with sadness
I'll love you
Through each long night as we stand and fight
The enemy as he tries to steal all we have
I'll love you
Through each long day as the words we say
Are tired and old and confused
Here's my salve
I love you

Healing

To try to express in beautiful words
How much the healing of the spirit means
It's been a dark time
Full of shadows - full of veils
Full of moments of blinding glory
And falling into the same old hole.
Help is on its way
But hopelessly grasping for peace
Has not brought it
Deep breathing has helped ~ trying to relax
But joy ~ it longs to come to me
But I cast it from me
Because of fear
But sometimes a flash flood
Covers me
And I choke on joy
I long to lose control
Like when I have a fever
I laugh till I cry
A thick wall momentarily crumbles
A veil lifts
But I'm ill physically
When I recover\
All control is returned
It is so strong I dont find a
Window or a door
A remedy to escape from
So I'm shackled
To heal this wounded spirit
This bruised existence
To have the joy of the Lord as my strength
Healing ~ Freedom ~ Liberation
Is what I am waiting for
Shuffling closer
Savior
I am touching the hem of your garment
Set me free from this bleeding
Seeping of life
May I be healed.

A Day In February

  A tiny bird with a red breast just landed on the windowsill of my bedroom. The window is quite sheltered by the roof so the fact that it flew in is a wonder in and of itself. Then it sat there and chirped at me...as if to say..'why are you sitting there under your blankets wearing your thickest sweater?' And then if flew away. Well little bird for some reason we have no heat and hot water today so I am a little cold.
  Is the MOON windy mom? My two year old asked me this a little while ago. We have had such windy weather here that my ten year old has decided that THAT is his one fear. He sleeps in the hall way on windy nights because it scares him so much. We live between two fields and close to a river so the wind whips around sometimes. However other then one night where I lay frozen with fear in my bed  because the wind was screaming!! I love the wind.
  My little bird friend is back looking in my window. He is trying to get in now. I wonder what he sees in here he wants!
  I am going to make some food for the children and then head over to my parents for a shower I guess. I need to warm up. I am cold to my bones and I can't get warm. I can see bits of blue in the sky and birds are coming back from warmer climes. I need to fill up my bird feeders again. They have emptied so quickly each time they were filled this winter! I think we have more than done our part to keep local birds alive this winter and that feels awesome.
  I hope you are having a lovely day wherever you are.
love Tansy

 

In Case You Have Forgotten

Spring always comes.
It is coming soon.
Take heart dear soul.

Roots

I wrote the poem below with someone in mind.
 Our roots are important. They may be strong happy tall tree roots or they may be stunted and rotten but they are roots. There is power in remembering where we have come from because that often has determined where we have ended up. Self awareness holds great power in its hands.

The brilliant green of ferns in the spring
Delicately unfolding
A winding forest path
Fox gloves, bleeding hearts, nod their greeting
The stately trees, massive with age
Sight quietly as the wind says hello
The drum of a woodpecker
And the rustle of something small beside the path
Rich soil and the smells that say - home
I'll slowly meander
Feeling my shoulders lift
Like burdens are lighter
Sunlight filters through like a benediction
There is a stillness I have missed
A feeling I remember
And suddenly, it may be foolish
But I feel how I felt in my best life moments
And its freeing
I walk more slowly - tasting, seeing, feeling
It all
And then I run
Feeling as light as my childhood self
I know where this path takes me
As it always has
I burst out into openness
And its' vastness, its' beauty
Over takes me
I want to plunge in, feel the startling coolness
Be baptized by the waves
And then just sit on an old drifted log
Let go of too many thoughts and things
Breathe in the salt tang
Hear the sea gulls cry
Pick sea glass and tiny treasures from the sand
And be filled with all that illuminates my soul
Have I even realized how much has changed?
How I have changed?
And yet its all still here
And the beauty always brings me back
To the strong, free, brave, wonderful soul
That is me
I am full
Beautiful, filled with light.
Loved.

By Tansy Elgersma

The Swan Lake Ballet

    Last night my friend Emily invited me to a ballet. It was Valentines yesterday and the day before I had bought a little bouquet of flowers for my mom and little gifts for different people. I had made Valentines for my children and it was good. I was happy. My husband gave me a card for Valentines day and that was nice....but I just wouldn't have minded something more...not that he needed to do....just that I wished for my personal Valentines to be a bit more shiny. It was perfect when Em called and asked if I could attend the Swan Lake Ballet. I felt tired and didn't really want to dress up but I did. Happy Valentines to me :)
   So...I have gone to many a dance in my life. If you have not...I would highly recommend it. If you can sit somewhere relatively close to the dancers...all the better. However!!! I have not gone to a ballet since I started taking ballet myself! I remember the last ballet I went to was key in starting Emily and then consequently myself on our ballet journey. I remember her remarking that it didn't really look that complicated and I whole heartedly agreed. Well last night we were on such a different level in how we viewed that dance. Ballet is all about making things look incredibly graceful and effortless. So if you are innocent like we were it might be easy to be fooled. Ballet is so dang hard. It is easy to look like an elephant but a swan...pretty near impossible. Last night those swans were mind blowing. At one point one of the dancers did pirouette after pirouette and after about thirty I just didn't even know what to do!!!!! I mean she did about fifty. I can do about two and I am ready to keel over. After about three minutes she did twenty more!!!!!!! It was absolutely phenomenal!!!
   After the incredible performance two of the dancers and their director stayed for questions so we stayed to listen. When you see dancers from an Academy you are looking at years of pain, dedication, sacrifice and so much self discipline...a lot of time away from family and a very not normal life! You get this taste of beauty, elegance, and pure grace but the effort to make it all look that way and the dedication and ability to remember all the steps to each dance is genius!!!!! I was in awe, pure awe.
  My little relationship with ballet is far from serious. I am not dedicated at all in that I should be working on my feet so they are more flexible and my splits and the list goes on....but after watching that I wish I was.
Thanks for the boost Em ~ which was exactly what that was ~ it was so inspiring!

Disjointed thoughts

  Hello ~ If you are a regular reader that is not my family you may have wondered if I have decided to quit blogging or if I have lost interest as I have not been posting much. NOPE not at all! I am missing blogging. I have such an old computer that is slowly breaking...it just does not inspire me to use it. Also life has been so full lately. The teacher for my middle children is on holidays and so I feel in some ways extra busy. I have a lot less driving to do but my days are also unbroken in that I have my three youngest all day every day. They have been feeling house bound lately and life has been a bit tougher than usual in the behavior department.
  We had a big snow storm here a bit ago and then an ice storm and so once the snow boots are soaking wet they take a long time to dry and we have one pair each so I have children inside quite a bit. It was perfect timing. The day we moved to this new house the snow started falling and it has been a white winter. In our old house I might have lost my mind. Here however, there is more room, the view from my windows just feeds my soul and we have felt more cozy and happy than shut in and crazy...but there have been the crazy days and they have not been fun. How are you doing? Do you find January and February long? Today is so foggy and rainy. I ended up taking the children down town to a little bakery we sometimes go to and we picked up a whole bunch delicious little squares and came home and devoured them. It was perfect.
  I have been writing a lot on paper ~ in my journal. It has done me good. Being home so much with such responsibility and so much to constantly attend to is intense and writing is my outlet. I hope you have figured out an outlet for yourself. A way to pour out, to process, to let go of...my husband and oldest really struggle with this. Things just get shoved down. It is intense...different personalities seem to have different ways of naturally coping with life. However, I think there is so much power in releasing the stress, trying to pin point it, trying to pull it before your eyes and face it...then let it go.
  Right now I am sitting in bed...the three youngest children have been in the bathroom for about an hour playing with three little plastic fish they got in a Kinder Egg surprise for Valentines day. I am so thankful that at ages ten, six and two they can still do this...This is the magic, the power of homeschooling I believe. No one has belittled their imagination, no one has rained on this parade. They are so wrapped up in their little world they have created in the sink.
  Have a wonderful day or evening wherever you are in the world.
Love Tansy

Surrender

   This year a word I am trying to keep before me is 'surrender.' I felt nervous about what this might mean and before January first rolled around I knew at least one part of what that might look like for me. However the opportunities just keep coming.
  Surrendering sucks for someone who has anxiety issues and hates feeling things out of control. So the house that I love ~ I hate that it is under construction. My back yard is disgusting. It is full of all the stuff coming out of the basement and I cant even handle walking out there because it is such a junk yard! Yet in the scheme of it all that is pretty tiny to what the end results will be. Something to try to surrender to...the process...and not let my head just keep going over and over how much that mess is really bothering me.
 The not knowing ~ I hate the not knowing about how things are going to turn out and when things around me keep changing. I get comfortable and think that things will stay the same, and they don't. People keep making decisions that affect me and yet I cannot change them and I know that and therefore they get to live their own life...but sometimes it sucks. I am trying to surrender to the fact that I need to REALLY let people be but not just outwardly but in my thoughts as well. Try to surrender them to God to and their journey and let them go.
  The biggest thing I need to work on surrendering this year, and that has become VERY clear, is myself. I have wanted to start putting myself first quite honestly. I feel like I have been laying myself down for everyone else for a VERY LONG TIME and I am sick of it. However it becomes more and more clear that that is not the path that is the best for me. That might be a duh to anyone reading this but I feel like I was at a point where if I even got a glimpse of 'myself' and living more for me then things for my children in how I would give to them would have really shifted. Motherhood in this day and age has changed. People view motherhood as sort of pause in 'real' life and they seem to be really encouraging you to sort of 'move on' past motherhood as quickly as possible. It is almost like it supposed to stop once the children are in school. I was supposed to go back to school or start more hobbies or whatever it is that people try to encourage a mom to do as soon as I possibly could so that I could be 'me' again.

Here is the thing
It would be great to just simply be encouraged in the journey I am in  ~ for the rest of my life. My journey as a mother is forever ~ AND to those who do this ~ who encourage me on this specific path ~ I am so grateful. I dont need some big mind shift, I dont need to go back to school as soon as I get a chance to find my true self or to get back on track. It is tempting sometimes, it would in some ways feel so much easier, it would be more my strength and I would feel so much more succesful at it probably. However, the surrender comes in embracing the fact that I am called to these children and this home and this life and I am thankful for that call. It is enriching and life giving maybe not on the outside but deep down in my core I know that it has given me more in my life than much else could have.

And so I continue on one day at a time
Trying to steep myself in surrender but mostly banging my head against it...

xo

Listen To Your Life

 A couple days ago my friend sent me this quote and I thought it might resonate with you.

'Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery it is. In the boredom and pain of it, no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it, because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace. '

Frederick Buechner

An Evening Walk

  Oh my word ~ life as a mom! It is just so dang hard sometimes. And so sometimes when my husband gets home I don't have much left to say or feel because all strength is gone and I just need to get out of my house. I don't have the energy to drive and now that I live in such a beautiful place I grab my camera and head out for a walk. A couple nights ago this is what renewed my spirit.

              Hang in there :) Take care of yourself. It takes effort and makes a difference. xo

Life Update

  Happy February :) What a lovely day it is here! It is windy so windy and cold so we went out and tried to go for a walk but the wind ended up conquering us and we had to head back. I have some pictures I will post from last month. Life here is simple and special.
 
 The month started out by us taking down our tree and there is a part of that that always makes me sad. I love a new year but at the same time taking down the tree signifies that we are going onto more and that I will forget all the little precious things that happened for each child at their specific ages in the last year no matter how hard I try to remember. Pictures help though.

  My oldest tried to make donuts after reading 'Farmer Boy' by Laura Ingalls Wilder. I think this is the first full book she has ever read. She started it, well we did, when she was so sick during the Christmas break and really it was the descriptions of all the amazing food that drew her in. So she tried donuts. They were supposed to be apple fritters. We were so uninformed and only the first few worked because we let the oil get way too hot. However those first few were amazing and we know better for next time hopefully. I always admire her desire to try knew things and how confident she is in the trying.

 A store that I have really appreciated in my town was bought by oversea investors and consequently shut down. It has been open in our town for many years and the ladies that worked there had been there for so long. I felt so sad to see an icon close. I went and bought some treasures to remember it by. It sold kitchen clothes by April Cornell. If you dont know who that is she is worth looking up online.

The renovations continue in our home. Our painting upstairs just got finished today!! I am so glad. The paint fumes have been hard to manage and trying to keep everything away from the dry wall dust as well. I am excited to hang pictures and put out books. Downstairs is a disaster but I try not to think about that too much.

One evening the kids started screaming to me that our hedge was going up in flames, and it was. That gave me a decent heart attack and now when I wash dishes I try to avoid looking at my charred hedge. Accidents happen. Let it go Tansy!

In January I rediscovered my love of ice skating! We have gone twice and I think it is safe to say my three older children love skating as well. My son chose skating for his birthday party this year and it was amazing.

January is the month my oldest son was born and this year he turned ten. He was my first 'born' and it is hard to believe I have had the gift of him for ten years. He is amazing. This year his birthday gift list was so HIM. He wanted a mug, slippers, a robe and PJ's, he wanted a remote control car, a bow and arrows with suction cups, some solid foods like Cliff bars and macaroni, and last of all he wanted dynamite although he couldn't think of anywhere he could use that so it was last on the list!! What a boy. I love him so.
I had to buy him a man's robe so it is huge but he loves it. 

On his actual birth day I didn't feel like making another cake so I did something we started doing last year that we love. I went to a local bakery and picked up a whole assortment of squares and brought them home. I cut them into tiny pieces and put them on a plate. Sometimes I made tea or hot chocolate and we all sit around and try all the different types of squares. We find this fun, it doesn't cost much and it is effortless for me.

We saw some of our favorite people in January. We have not been able to spend time with other families since November because we have been so sick and therefore it has been a bit lonely at times. So when we got to go for a walk with our cousins there was so much talking to catch up on it was amazing. My cousin and I have nine children between us now and so when we go anywhere it is so fun to see people's facial expressions.

This is what the field  across the road looks like today.

 Spring is coming!!! It is actually supposed to snow here this weekend again but I am trying not to think too much about that and just enjoy the bright green grass across the road that just shimmers in the sun. We have all been sort of better from sickness now (except me) for a couple days and I am so glad! I hope you have a special February full of love :)
xo