SoulShineThrough: Hosting A Succesful Dinner For An Anxious Family

Happy Tuesday :)

I am due to drive my oldest to guitar lessons in fifteen minutes so I am typing quickly. I think the rest of my crew is watching TV. The weather is rainy and the sky is grey but the clouds are blowing along and I can see hints of lighter clouds above and I know that the beautiful blue is always above it all.

We had our family Thanksgiving lunch yesterday. I have to say that these family get togethers seem to be improving slowly but surely. Since we are an overall anxious family these type of get togethers can be a complete disaster and in the past they usually were. There were many times it would have probably been better to just not have them at all. Someone would be sure to be fighting somewhere and another person would be having an anxiety attack in another room. They were pretty bad honestly. However we have never given up trying! Why? Ultimately I think it boils down to the fact that everyone wants to feel loved and hopes that if we all get together something lovely could potentially happen. It has taken years to get to the place of lovely but it is here ~ not always ~ but this get together was.

I feel like I have some tips to help an anxious family have a successful get together. I figure why not share them. I do not know all but I have learned some things thankfully! Here they are ~

Number one:

Recognize that your family does indeed struggle with anxiety.

If you have family members who are very explosive or withdrawn and you have to tip toe around them they probably struggle with anxiety. If you have any chance to kindly share with them in a calm and peaceful moment about anxiety...probably the best through something very non confrontational and maybe giving examples from you own experiences....bring some self awareness to them about their anxiety.
OR you can have a family gathering or send out a group email bringing awareness about fight, flight or freeze responses that the body goes through in stress. People don't need to be singled out but you can stress that you personally have been learning about this and it has helped you and you wanted to share what has been so helpful.

I say this because our family has gone through different levels of realization about anxiety. Everyone has had their own journeys, but yesterday we went for a walk as a family ~ this is very rare and it actually may have been a first. My sister laughed and commented about how funny it was to be going for a walk with a high anxiety family; as different ones were freaking out about cars coming and just worried overall about safety etc. There was yelling and laughter. We got through it and had a lovely walk, but it was so much better to be able to laugh and recognize what was happening rather than feel threatened from reactions and actions of others. We didn't feel offended or overwhelmed just aware of what people were feeling and struggling with. When we had no idea about what anxiety was, not that many years ago, when we got together everyone was in their own world over come with anxiety and in old patterns and it was a disaster. There was a lot of different fight or flight reactions and we all left so drained and sad.
SO from my own personal experience ~ self awareness really makes a difference!!

Number two:

Be organized

If you have the tables set, the food ready and some simple non stress things for people to do when they walk in ~ it makes a difference. When your family walks in you want them to feel safe and like the environment is pleasant. IF no one is sensitive to scent (although with high anxiety families someone is pretty much sure to be!) you could have calming essential oils diffusing or a candle lit that has a sweet calming smell. There could be very quiet classical music playing. Yesterday I did NOT do a good job of that as my stove had shut down just minutes before everyone arrived and I was trying to get the last things cooked up. The family walked into stress, BUT everyone managed well and we survived. Sometimes having coloring on side tables, a bouquet of flowers to look at, something for the children to focus on so that they are not wildly running around is very helpful. There are subtle simple things that can be done to help people feel safer. Usually out of control children is a huge trigger. There has to be someone that is willing and capable of helping children self regulate, keep safe, fed, and happy. It helps things immensely.

Number three:

The quiet room

Have a room that has low lighting, soft blankets to sit under, a music option or TV that is quiet and that people who are feeling flooded and overwhelmed can retreat to. It makes a huge difference. You can even put a sign on the door! So many anxious people cannot handle crowds for too long. It doesn't matter if it is family or not! If they have a safe place they can go deep breathe in and sort of bring them to a place of calm they might enjoy the family time rather then just be trying to get through.

Number four:

Knowing intentions/expectations are important

With these gatherings people are hoping for something. There are often expectations that may be unrealistic. These family gatherings can be such a let down or so sad for families that are not close, do not get together often, or have lingering bitterness and sadness towards other family members. As adults this is something that each individual must deal with themselves. However if you realize the roots of some of these issues going into a family gathering, and understand where people are coming from it can help with the flow of the meal of the gathering. Sometimes just being up front with everyone and honest (not at the dinner but before hand with the invitations) about your hopes for the dinner and your expectations around it can give your family a fair chance to decide if they truly feel they want to attend or feel capable. You want to feel loved and connected as a family because that is the desire of everyone deep down. However some families are just not capable of that for multiple reasons. It is nice though to give everyone a chance to choose to be respectful and not bring up certain hot topics for example to make the meal a success.

Here is the thing as well ~ YOU might have so much knowledge and capability but your family may not. You cannot control that. It is sad and not easy to face these facts. We all want a close knit loving family unit that understands us, loves us for who we are, and accepts us. When this is not possible maybe just invite some friends that are able to be those things for you :) Unless you can handle having a dinner with family and not have needs fulfilled.

So that is the essence of what I have learned and what I am attempting to implement in my own clumsy way.

All the best with your family dinners ~

Love Tansy

This is the first time she was able to really help with the meal. She is six almost seven. She is such a sweet heart!

This meal would not have happened without my sweet twelve year old. She helped tirelessly and it gave me a glimpse of the future. She made homemade buns and chocolate tarts and cinnamon buns and did so much cleaning. I felt so much more capable with her by my side!