November 1, 2017

    November 1st. I often feel like no one actually reads this blog and so it is just my own personal space. I know that people read this blog but blogging is actually quite lonely which is too bad I say this right now because I am lonely and wish to have a meaningful connection to someone today.

   Today is November 1st and I feel melancholy about it. Wind has been blowing the beautiful leaves off the trees too quickly it seems. I am remembering the affects of less sunshine and children feeling stuck inside because of rain and cooler temperatures. I am trying to count my blessings and remain thankful every second to combat my anxiety about the winter to come. I am also trying to juggle way too much for me personally.

  Maybe other people, scratch that, I know other people can handle way more than what I can't seem handle, but the way my life has gone my thresh hold for 'handling' has gotten so low it is ridiculous. I am trying to cope with all the homeschooling I am doing. Having a child in grade five (adapted) and grade eight and grade two is so much different than two children in much lower grades. Also having professional people involved that need things from me in regards to reporting and having expectations.... I knew this but I didn't factor in the pressure that suddenly would come from needing to measure up to standards that the Ministry of Education has and the pressure that my head teacher faces. She has to be able to report so much and we have to cover it. It is crazy honestly and with all the housework and cooking and trying to still give attention to my three year old and stay married I feel like I always feel. I am sick of how I feel so often. I have been sick of how I feel for a very.long.time.

   In these familiar moments my brain tries to grasp truth, try to problem solve, and in the end I just wish I could sleep and feel nurtured and that someone would lift the load a little
Anyway so today as I am trying to keep up with housework that is so behind, try to deal with homeschooling issues that have just come up out of no where, figure out what to feed children (a job I can never seem to get right) I just feel crazy in my head. I keep welling up with tears but it gets me no where.

  I have appreciated that right out my kitchen window there are all these tiny birds coming to our bird feeder. They come in groups and feast. They sometime bicker sometimes sing and they remind me of a verse I have read in the Bible about how unconcerned we need to be about life in so many ways because God is concerned for us. I have always ALWAYS felt concerned. There hasn't been a consistent time in my life where I have felt safe and okay. My brain is literally wired to feel not okay. So that feeling of wishing to feel safe and okay is always prevalent.

  When we were away last week there was this moment of glory I had. I don't have these kinds of moments  often and when I do they feel precious. I was with my oldest daughter and we were out taking pictures. It was Sunday morning and when we went out the sun had been shining. We drove a couple seconds down the road and ran down a path towards the river. I realize there was a beautiful rainbow shimmering over the river and the sun was illuminating the bright yellow leaves of the trees on the side of the river while the river was shadowed. It was so incredibly beautiful and then it started to rain. It was a light misting rain and it felt like a benediction. Everything seemed to lift themselves up a bit higher to be jeweled by it. We took so many pictures and twirled and laughed and then quickly drove to another spot where I ran here and there just trying to capture the stunning beauty all around me. My daughter later commented that I 'looked' different and I know it was because for those brief moments that anxiety and worry that is like my own personal cloak that is hardly ever cast off ~ was off! Today it is smothering me and so I am so thankful that I have that moment from a little while ago that I can think back on and appreciate.
Have a lovely rest of you week ~ you embrace the upcoming season with peace in your soul.
Happy November xo
Tansy