When All Is Not Well

   When I had cancer as a result of a miscarriage gone horribly wrong, I remember someone telling me I was depressing to be around. I was going through chemotherapy. I was very sick, grieving, bewildered by how life was going. Those words that were spoke over me stuck with me. At that moment in my life I honestly could not conjure up a fake smile, a persona of 'all being well.' My hair was falling out by the handfuls, I was weak, wracked in pain, I was losing so much of myself and my dignity. I didn't want to be depressing, and therefore apparently annoying to others, but I just could not pretend all was well to make someone else feel more comfortable. Yet the pressure and shame to do that was present.

  From that time on, and really even before that, I have fought against that nagging feeling of guilt when I can't pretend all is not well. Many times in my life all has not been well. There have been a lot of hard times. There has been a lot of trauma, a lot of grief, a lot of stress and through it all I have searched for healing, tried to find beauty, tried to give of myself, tried to not give up, tried to go forward and find thankfulness. All through it there has been this constant nagging feeling of guilt that I am not happy enough, not peppy enough, and that I drag people down with my issues. Why do I drag them down? Because I feel unable to pretend and put on that mask? When I am weak, when I am sad, I am not going to pretend. The people who feel pulled down, depressed by me, whatever it is they find fault with....they can move on.

  In this time in our world, in my culture, there are a lot of people who are professional at putting a good foot forward. They come across as quite perfect. In seeing them in public you would never know the reality of whatever sadness or pain they are facing. I have never felt capable of that. I have always felt weak because of it. I am not, nor have been, interested in pretending or trying to be what I am not. It just is not in me. I am not capable. It has felt like a weakness. More and more it is becoming my strength. When people try to shame me because of my feelings or my situations I am just not willing to accept it anymore.

  Life is hard people! Life is not perfect. Life is full of pain and grief. At the same time life is full of beauty. Life has miracles. Life has hope ~ always hope. I am slowly arriving at a place where I am less and less ashamed of my struggles and how my life pans out. I am less and less ashamed of how sensitive I am. I hope that if these are things you struggle with at times that you can arrive at that place as well. We strive to some degree to be different than what we are now. We want to work on ourselves and go towards wholeness and healing deep within us. Our spirits and souls crave that. This is good. There is also something good in feeling the now, in working through the now, in realizing the now might be hard, or dark, or depressing, and sitting with that for a while. Don't stay in it, seek light and grace, get help, but know you are okay just the way you are.