Marriage On My Mind

  My husband has been away for a little over a week on a small vacation with our oldest daughter. Since he has been gone it has given me some time to step out if you will of the usual every day cycles of life and do some thinking and evaluating. I do this a lot, evaluating, as it is just the type of person I am. However the house has felt different, the atmosphere different, and it has caused me to ask questions of myself.

  My husband and I have been married for fifteen years. It is hard for me to even comprehend this number really. Time has blurred somewhat as it tends to do in the every day continuum. When we first got married I had these expectations of what marriage was 'supposed' to be like. I don't know where those expectations came from really, but they were there. I held them close, and hoped for them become reality. In some instances they were. In others they really were not. Sometimes expectations are killers and we don't even know we have them.

   In the past, but more recently with a lot of consistency, I have attempted to really stamp into my brain is that my husband and I are very different people from very different back grounds. It has been tempting to look at myself as a better individual because of my strengths and the things I value. I have given into that temptation many times which has resulted in nothing positive. In being so different, when push comes to shove, often we still have the same goals and want the same things for each other. However, because of the differences in personality and in who we are, and lack of ability to communicate clearly to each other, there are so many times of hurt and heartache. When children come along and the time of laying down our selves becomes a desperate need...things can go south quite quickly. This is the time where slowing down, evaluating, seeking support and guidance becomes key. You both are valuable, amazing, lovely people...or have the potential to be. Hold that close.

  If you are married and feeling like not all is well, that you are weary, or constantly trying to change your situation, and are feeling regret....just know that every single marriage in the world takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of looking inwards at your heart and motivations, it takes a lot of team effort and sacrifice. A marriage is two very different individuals trying to live life along side each other well. It is two individuals choosing to love through hard times, through times of exhaustion and sickness, through times of stress and grief. It is two individual who are willing to see the other person, really see them, for who they are, all the beauty and good that is in them and then even when it hurts calling that forth in them.

  So as my husband arrives home soon I hope I can do a better job at this. I hope I can slow down situations, evaluate with maturity and clarity, and go forward with a lighter spirit and a calmer soul. We shall see how this goes going into the busyness of Christmas and all ~ we shall see how this goes.

~Just being honest~
Love Tansy
 
 

And The Sun Shone

  As I drive around my community I am always looking for beauty. Today I went for a little drive alone (without children) and stopped to capture what I have been noticing lately.

What a beautiful day ~

Schedules

  I have been taking this Autumn season slowly. I have had nothing to rush to really. I am home every morning until at least 12:30 every morning but Friday, and on Fridays I don't need to leave until 10:20am. The days have been long sometimes. This is good because there have been times and seasons where life is so chaotic; my mind is spinning trying to keep up with everyone and all they need. Having a schedule sometimes helps life seem less chaotic and more rhythmic, but maybe sometimes the schedule is so busy it doesn't help. My schedule has been quite helpful this season. I thought I'd share it with you.

~ Keep in mind this is the very first time I have been able to have a schedule (or stick to it) for any length of time because of where all my children are at in their developmental stages. It has never worked before. This time it has and I am grateful.~

  I get up when I wake up, but I aim to be up at 7:30am. 7:00am would be ideal but my body seems to naturally wake up around 7:30. I immediately get up and get a glass of water and then do a simple, no equipment needed, exercise video. It isn't intense but I figure this helps my lymphatic system and helps me stretch a bit. It also helps my mental state as I am not a morning person. As I am exercising (in the living room) I am directing everyone to have breakfast. Since my oldest is almost fourteen it is not a big deal for her to help my four year old get breakfast, and my eleven year old and eight year old can help themselves. Choices are simply cereal, toast, or french toast or fried eggs but they have to make it themselves and clean up after themselves. After they eat I direct them all to dress, brush their teeth, and get ready for their day. My four year old can dress himself and choose his clothes but he needs help with teeth brushing still. One of of his siblings help him. My goal is to start the homeschooling day at 8:30am.

  When we are ready we all sit in the living room and I do a bit of a devotional, some memorization, some poetry and some novel reading. I have a novel series all ages are appreciating except my four year old. He is MUCH less of a challenge this year than he was last year but still he does not want to sit and listen so he needs other distracters. After this is done then everyone has something they need to go do but I have it written down on a piece of paper for me, broken up into each day, so I can follow it. I try to get Math done pretty quickly in the morning before they are tired and not as fresh. We try to get a majority of our school work done by noon. We take a break around 10 or 10:30 for a snack, and then lunch is at noon. After lunch I often need to drive someone somewhere, but if not then it is outside or creative time. TV time comes around 3:30 or 4:00.

  This might not be very thrilling and we are not getting out and doing a lot outside of the house but we are accomplishing a lot with learning all we need to cover this school year. For grades nine, six, and three it seems like a lot! We are focused and accomplishing things with out too much stress. During times (if there are any) where everyone is distracted and working (not needing my help) I will try to quickly load the dishwasher or get a load of laundry going. I also try to have some sort of snack prepared.

  As you can see the days are full, but since we are home, and have a system then things are accomplished. Like I said this is the first time since I have been a mom that I feel like a schedule and system are doable. I am getting the most sleep I have ever had since I became a mom, and that has made a huge difference. Not having a screaming busy teething baby or toddler has helped immensely as well!

  I hope you are doing well. November where I live is pretty dreary month. However there have been sunny days and beautiful moments and I am trying to get my children outside each day for at least an hour if not more no matter the weather. It makes such a huge difference for them.

  One more thing: I have children that have trouble winding down and falling asleep. Something I have started implementing is after dinner if I remember I try to get everyone to clean up the living area of the home. Then around 6:30pm someone runs a warm bath with quite a bit of epsom salts in it. Each child has about a fifteen minute bath and then gets in their PJ's. I brush everyone's teeth, sometimes read them a story, and then tuck them in. One child has a heating pad in their bed which helps them fall asleep, another has a hot water bottle and some of them have a CD player and listen to stories or quiet restful music. If they typically come out for water then they have to have a water bottle by their bed. It has helped everyone relax and fall asleep more quickly. I try to have everyone in bed and quiet by eight at the latest. Once again this is a first for me as my children as babies all would stay up so late and wake up over and over again once asleep. So having these quiet evenings is has been lovely. I would ideally be in bed by 10:00pm, 10:30 at the latest, but often I am up till 11 or later. However I find my body does best if I am in bed by 10:30.

 None of this is set in stone and lots of days things don't go smoothly. Many nights someone has a hard time falling asleep but these little schedules have helped us.

Have a lovely rest of your week

Love Tansy

Who I Have Always Been

  I have been a writer since a young age. When I was about ten I would sit in front of our fire place in the winter time and work on my chapter book about a young mom who had a lot of children. I had no idea what I was writing about, but I loved to write! I have written poems since I was probably seven. I have written over thirty journals since the age of thirteen. I also love to read and be in nature. These are things that have never changed about me.

  This is true for everyone. When you look back on your life there are themes, things that have always been you.

  Have you thought about those lately? I get caught up in all sorts of nonsense and confusion feeling lost and like I have forgotten myself. It doesn't take all that long to remember those little parts that make me me.

 Maybe you have always loved creating, or building, or taking things apart and putting them back together, maybe you've always been fascinated with Science, or acting (drama), or music has just been a part of you since you can remember. Whatever  it is ~ it is perfectly you :)

If you have lost yourself ~ you can always be found.

Love Tansy

Playing

   Assuming you are an adult and past that point in your life where most days hold hours of free time ~ what did you used to do to play when you were little? There are some days where I think it is good to remember that time. It might not have been perfect but every child has that beautiful ability to take whatever they have around them and to play.

  When I was really little I played with dolls and outside in a play house my dad had built. I painted and colored and spent time with little friends. However when we moved to our family farm when I was just about eight, that was when play really became beyond magical. We had an old old barn full of cobwebs and mystery. I spent a lot of time in there on rainy days. The chickens would croon and squawk and I would climb high on piles of hay or brush my horse or clean out rabbit pens and listen to the rain on the roof. On sunny days there was the creek. That meant endless hours of fun. I would be out there mostly with siblings and neighborhood friends. We would usually have some sort of cutting tool so we could fashion forts out of bailing twine and weaving branches together. We would wade in the cool water, build bridges out of whatever we could find. We would spend hours just being free, imagining, and the green leaves would make us feel invisible to the outside world. Then there were the bike rides down the road that took us blackberry picking or exploring other creek beds or just biking to feel the wind in our hair. There was so much freedom that was so good for the soul.

   There were horse back rides and time spent brushing and braiding my horses hair. There were hours reading in the sun, or out in the back fields or in the forest. Friends would come over and we would do each other's hair in crazy funny fashions and dress up and pretend to be from a different time era. Often we would have picnics outside or bake in the kitchen. I never had a TV growing up and there was no internet to obsess over. I had books, paper, paints, pens, journals, friends, the outside, a bike, a horse, chickens, a dog and cat, and a goat. That part of my world held a lot of healing and helped me cope with the other not so beautiful aspects of my life. I am grateful. I wish my children had the same opportunities. I wonder what they will look back and on and if they will feel like they felt the same wild freedom I felt I had in those moments. I don't know how they can but I hope that some how they will.

xo

She Let Me Know I Was Loved

    Yesterday I went to my grandma's bench. She has been gone a while now but my grandpa put up a bench in her memory. Every time I go there I am struck with the perfection of the location. It is in a little grove of trees along a tree lined path. On one side through the trees there is a horse farm and on the other side open field. There is also a sort of creek. Mountains guard the distance and her bench always has something on it or beside it that to me exudes her. Yesterday there were acorn caps and beautiful leaves on  her bench and all around it. I walked along the path and could hear little birds singing and the horses snorting to each other. The rain fell and the mist cloaked the mountains. All of this held the peace I needed to feel.

  I hope that my grandma is in a far more beautiful place living a life she probably never allowed herself to imagine. As a woman who weathered a war and the great depression and many other defining moments for the world she kept on. She lived a life of all sorts of challenges. I only knew her however in her later years and I believe I was blessed with some of the best of her. She had wisdom, had learned what to battle, had learned what to value, had learned where to put her energy in the time she had, and it blessed me. It took her a lot of years and a lot of heart break to get there. It took a lot of letting go, a lot of mistakes, a lot of tears, it took a lot of having to put herself aside to let others shine and it took doing this over and over and over. It never stopped. Her very last years of life were not glamorous. She was the last of her siblings and family to pass away. She had health issues and her body was tired. The last time I saw her she was quite sick however she was able to let me know she wanted her hair brushed, and I brushed it, and I held up some Daffodils for her to enjoy, and in her suffering she let me know, as always, that I was loved. We all need that so deeply.

  I hope you feel loved today ~
Tansy