On February 26th at about 10pm I knew I was going into labor FINALLY. It had felt like a very long wait. I had thought I would have had that baby at least a week earlier and she just had not come. I had had so many contractions and so much pressure but she was coming when she was coming. When my midwife called me and told me if I went into labor that night I could not have a home birth because she was sick....and I also would be delivering with a midwife I had never met, I think deep down I knew it would probably happen that night. As the contractions started to get more gripping I decided to try to go to bed...wondering if maybe once again they would calm down like so many other times this pregnancy. At about 1:30am I gave up trying to sleep and got up. I tried a bath next because often if you are in false labor that will slow everything down. Clearly things were not slowing down for me. So I started to try to get ready to head to the hospital. Between contractions I was trying to think of everything I would need to be birthing in a hospital. It felt a little surreal. I didn't want to phone the midwife till the last minute so she could sleep as long as possible. As time moved on I started to feel that this labor was progressing and I needed to get somewhere I could deliver. The hospital was about twenty minutes away. I am quite calm during labor and often give a bit of a false impression of how I am feeling inside so I started to get frustrated at my husband who seemed to be taking his sweet time getting ready. We got into the van just after 4:30 in the morning and started the drive. It was a cold very windy night.
On the drive I realized that my contractions were exactly five minutes apart and I just tried to really breath them away each time. When we got to the hospital I was pretty sure I didn't have a lot of time left and I just wanted to get up to the ward so I could focus! We couldn't figure out where to go into the hospital and when we finally walked in a door we were told to go to a different entrance. At that precise moment my water decided to break and I KNEW I could not find another entrance I needed to get somewhere I could deliver the baby! My husband needed to park the vehicle and I couldn't really stand up right any longer so a kind security gentleman rolled me in a wheel chair through corridors and up elevators as my water seemed to never stop and was all over hallways in the hospital. Once I got up to the ward it felt a bit chaotic until my midwife and husband arrived. I was soaked and feeling a bit overwhelmed but tried to keep calm and remember what I wanted to communicate to the midwife about my wishes for my delivery that seemed to be fast approaching. When she had time to check me I was fully dilated and ready to push. On the way to the hospital I had tried to call some friends I had hoped could attend the birth and wake them up.
As everyone around me was busy preparing the room, filling out paperwork, checking the babies heart beat and I was meeting nurses, trying to just get in the zone of what lay before me I felt overwhelmed and hopeful that all would be okay. I started to push the baby taking a drink of water after every contraction and trying to remain calm and handle the pain. One friend arrived and kept trying to contact the other ones. I kept pushing. It seemed to take a long time. I was so tired and started to feel annoyed that I was not pushing the baby out faster. As the baby slowly made its way down another friend arrived just in time. The midwife guided me so kindly as did the nurse during the time the baby was actually coming out and I was able to be very controlled and follow instruction and it made it so I didn't really tear at all which was a first for me.
I remember trying desperately to be calm and do what I needed to do and not scream but I did scream once at the end. Then I heard everyone saying, 'open your eyes' and I did and I saw my sweet baby girl coming up and into my arms. It was 6:28am February 27th. She gave a few little cries but really just snuggled into my arms. The feelings of relief are not really describable. Every single day of my pregnancy the worry that I might lose her was with me. It was hard to bear. Once she was in my arms I just felt such thankfulness. Once the baby is born there is still work to do ~ delivering the placenta, having your stomach massaged and massaged which is so painful, then latching the baby on for the first time and causing your uterus to contract...getting the one stitch I needed to get... I just wanted it over with so I could finally relax! I felt so much relief when it was all done :)
My baby was a healthy seven pounds fourteen ounces and she was nineteen inches long. She had dark hair, a sweet little chin, the cutest lips and long feet and fingers! What a journey to arrive at that moment! It was fraught with so much sadness and worry and loss. I was just so relieved and yet felt like it was all a dream and I might wake up and find it wasn't real. It was hard to actually connect to the moment for a while. Slowly but surely it started to sink in and become real.
She has been in our family for just over a month now and every day is filled with her. Our whole lives revolve around her right now and we are all so grateful. She is sweetness and snuggles and preciousness. We all just adore her. I spend a lot time nursing her and trying to coax burps out of her and then trying to decide what is most important to accomplish in the moments I am not nursing her. My recovery is going okay but I do have a few complications that are making some days challenging. The baby however is thriving in every way.
I will be writing less as I have been for a while. I am focused in, thankful, just so thankful.
Happy Spring!
Love Tansy
What an absolute little darling ❤️
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