Focus

  Breathe in, let it out. Focus on the color blue, think of the vast expanse of sky, and look around you for a moment. Take in the goodness that is everywhere you look, at all the gifts you have been given. Think of your children and focus on the miracle that each one is. Focus on the fact that you have them for today, for this moment, and this moment is enough and wonderful. Focus on the fact that you are a giver and that is a strength, focus on the fact that you are full of love and let some of the guilt ebb away like a tide, further and further out. Focus on warm memories that bring a smile to your soul, focus on the scent of the freshly cut grass and the comfort that scent brings. Focus on the warmth of the day and beauty of the Roses outside your window and the leaves on the trees. Focus on the fact through it all you are always loved and never alone.
Focus

This Final Trimester

   My baby is already over four months old. Time is flying by much too quickly and I have mixed feelings about it all. Just today she was in a little jolly jumper squealing for joy, bouncing around, and it was hard to fathom she was old enough for this stage.

   I have been journeying through the last stage of pregnancy...which is the recovery after baby is born. It is really quite challenging honestly. Hormones are intense almost always, with emotions all over the place. I have not had postpartum depression in any real depth which is such a blessing, but postpartum anxiety has been intense! It makes me want to shed my skin and run screaming anywhere but where I am. My hair has been falling out in literal handfuls for weeks and I have bald spots on my head. Some days I am so tired I can barely function and other days I have a lot of energy but my hips and back and feet are in so much pain or my arm feels partially dislocated. None of this is for the faint of heart. Other mommas out there get it to some degree, but children and husbands not so much. My husband had a sit down talk with me using words like 'crazy' and 'emotional'....'thanks hon, that was so helpful!' It was fun to try to stand up for myself after that talk (not really).

   I wanted to say...' Now you take the baby and breast feed for hours on end, recover from labor, and rarely sleep and we will see how you fare shall we? Then I will have a little sit down chat with YOU.'

    In all this I am very conscious about my weight and how heavy I feel and how guilty I feel about gaining so much weight. No matter what I tell myself...all of it truth...I just still can't shake that awful feeling that how I look is wrong.

All of this to say...this last bit of pregnancy is a challenge.

   Then there is the other side of it all. I have this healthy, smiling, precious child that has brought so much joy to our family. She has the sweetest dimple, she is so chubby and every little thing she does fills us with wonder. We can't ever imagine when we didn't have her. This is the miracle of a new baby in a family...their presence fills a void that we didn't really recognize was there. We are so thankful for her sweet shining eyes and the snuggles she so gladly gives.

   So with everything I am going through trying to get through this stage...even in my anxiety and sleep deprived hazes and extra emotions; I am so thankful. What a journey to hold this little one in my arms. It was so intense.

   May the rest of your July be lovely. If you are recovering from a birth and are finding it challenging...all my love to you! You are amazing
Love Tansy