The sun shone today
There was still a chill in the air
But the Snowdrops were thick in the grass
My mother asked if I had seen any Robins yet
She always reminds me how important Spring is
I am thankful
I see a tiny deeply purple Violet and
the Pansies I thought had frozen
Have raised their heads in praise
The grass is turning
A brilliant green
Can you feel the singing
Nature is raising its voice in praise
As winter and death
Transform into newness and life
Praise be!
Praise be.
In the past few weeks there has been death that has crossed my path. Two ladies who impacted me at different points in my life passed away. One had no warning and one had a small window of time to say goodbye. When these things happen there is opportunity that is presented to you. You can look at your own life and ask yourself what you are truly doing with your life right now? Is it something worth while? Are you choosing to live a life that is kind, helpful, authentic and beautiful? Both woman who passed away were mothers, grandmothers, sisters, daughters, aunties, and pastors. Each funeral was attended by hundreds of people and one lady was, what I would consider, a modern day saint. Their impact was vast and their kindness changed people. Their loss leaves such huge holes in their families and devastation for their husbands.
And this is life and this is death. We just don't know how much time we have. Humans are so delicate and distracted and also humans are so needy. People are looking for attachment, for a way to feel home, safe, to have permission to be themselves, and these woman extended that to others in totally different ways.
Today my son's friend walked in to my home and I was able to offer him warm cookies and milk and chat with him about his day and some other small things. I hope he felt cared for and heard. Today I took my children to the library and there were so many small moments of joy and smiles. Today the sun shone and the baby fell asleep on my back. My life is not grand, I don't have the chance to get out there and impact hundreds of people. However I can make choices to give to the people that are here and today I could. If tomorrow I was to pass away I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there would be people that would say that they knew they were loved and a small part of that feeling would be because of me.
Something that one of the ladies who passed away really loved was decorating the spaces she had and opening her home to others. Her funeral was such a reflection of that. Beauty and unique touches were everywhere and it felt bright and warm, there was food and fellowship and laughter. The other lady really valued people being allowed to grieve and she valued authenticity. Her family was allowed to show their grief, she hoped they would feel it, express it, walk through it, and continue to truly live. Her funeral was thick with spiritual beauty. You could feel parts of the love that she imparted to everyone collectively IN everyone. It was a powerful thing to be a part of.
I am thankful that I got to meet and be cared for by Tomana and Anne. I was not close to Tomana but I have this vivid memory of being a part of a valentine celebration that she had with her children and husband. I was the only guest and it was last minute. She whole heartedly welcomed me and I was amazed with my first fondue experience at a beautifully set table. I was also impacted by the church she led and the woman's nights that she would host at the church.
Anne impacted my life very deeply. She showed up for me at times in my life when I felt truly alone and vulnerable. She listened to the Holy Spirit and she valued people being allowed to grieve and be imperfect. She suffered deep loss during her life time over and over again. She did not give up. She had to persevere through such hard hard times and show up for herself and her family when possibly no one was really showing up for her. Her kindness was astounding. I know she wished for more time. I don't understand why she had to go....I never will. And I am thankful that I was blessed to know her.
So thankyou Tomana and thank you Anne,
and I will miss you both and I will see you again,
Love you lots,
Tansy
Do you ever stop and really think about who you are exactly? For example why you hate avocados with such a passion or find hiking abhorrent or why you have to have so much toilet paper stored in your house?
You are born with a temperament and your personality is formed over time. Your likes and dislikes emerge as you grown and learn about the world and as you experience it. I don't often feel like I understand myself. I feel like there is this wall that if I could just climb over and get to the other side I would see myself and then I would understand! I know that who we are starts in the womb and how our mother experiences herself and her environment when she is pregnant. I know that what we go through as a baby and little one forms many things in our brains that directly affect our forming personality. We are so unique and then we are also somewhat predictable.
Something that is hard for me to handle about myself is my sensitivity. I am sensitive to the weather, to peoples moods, and really to many things. I am often gauging how people are doing based on many things and too aware. I am a highly sensitive person with extreme post traumatic stress disorder. It's a challenge to exist in my body.
Being sensitive has helped me on many levels because it helped me form empathy and care deeply for other people and animals but it has also been so hard to feel so many little things and try to work through the feelings.
I also find it hard to be a creature of habit. I notice that in the grocery store I shop in a certain order and write my lists in that order. I don't like technology and don't adapt to it. I find a full calendar exhausting to look at. My hobbies have not really changed all my days. I am getting smaller and smaller in my life in regards to social gatherings and knowing others. So much of this has to do with my childhood and my nervous system and my mirror neurons but also with my personality! I see my husband and friends who are opposites and marvel at their capacity and their vivaciousness and how many people they know and can talk to!
I love that I find travel an absolute delight and that people everywhere fill me with understanding. The world is a marvellous place full of artistry and brilliance and I love to be apart of it.
I wish I had greater capacity for disorganization and mess. I find having six children and most of them being creative and disorganized leaves me with a life of constant cleaning so that I am not knee deep in what they throw from their hands as they zoom from project to project. Right now it is 9:14pm, no one is asleep and two children are deep into projects. I have tried to catch up all day to no avail. If I was washing dishes the baby had her hands deep in wall paint. If I was trying to fold laundry the children wanted to use it as a cave and if I was scrubbing the shower the baby was taking apart and scattering the contents of my purse. All I want to do is have a day to have everyone gone, and to rip apart every closet and clean out my home! My yard is an atrocity and an eyesore but I can't find the time to deal with it either.
I find that I wish for a few dear friends that have the time to give to me and I to them in really practical ways in the day to day. I have had chapters of that in my life that I will always remember with such fondness and thankfulness.
Anyway, all these things I have realized through the years but the sensitivity amps up life in all ways. My brain is whirring with the needs around me and my body is tense from the caring.
Whoever and however you shine as your self through your skin I hope you can understand the why's. I feel like that has brought such relief ~ to understand why!
