Being So Sensitive

  Do you ever stop and really think about who you are exactly? For example why you hate avocados with such a passion or find hiking abhorrent or why you have to have so much toilet paper stored in your house? 

  You are born with a temperament and your personality is formed over time. Your likes and dislikes emerge as you grown and learn about the world and as you experience it. I don't often feel like I understand myself. I feel like there is this wall that if I could just climb over and get to the other side I would see myself and then I would understand! I know that who we are starts in the womb and how our mother experiences herself and her environment when she is pregnant. I know that what we go through as a baby and little one forms many things in our brains that directly affect our forming personality. We are so unique and then we are also somewhat predictable. 

  Something that is hard for me to handle about myself is my sensitivity. I am sensitive to the weather, to peoples moods, and really to many things. I am often gauging how people are doing based on many things and too aware. I am a highly sensitive person with extreme post traumatic stress disorder. It's a challenge to exist in my body. 

  Being sensitive has helped me on many levels because it helped me form empathy and care deeply for other people and animals but it has also been so hard to feel so many little things and try to work through the feelings. 

  I also find it hard to be a creature of habit. I notice that in the grocery store I shop in a certain order and write my lists in that order. I don't like technology and don't adapt to it. I find a full calendar exhausting to look at. My hobbies have not really changed all my days. I am getting smaller and smaller in my life in regards to social gatherings and knowing others. So much of this has to do with my childhood and my nervous system and my mirror neurons but also with my personality! I see my husband and friends who are opposites and marvel at their capacity and their vivaciousness and how many people they know and can talk to! 

  I love that I find travel an absolute delight and that people everywhere fill me with understanding. The world is a marvellous place full of artistry and brilliance and I love to be apart of it.

  I wish I had greater capacity for disorganization and mess. I find having six children and most of them being creative and disorganized leaves me with a life of constant cleaning so that I am not knee deep in what they throw from their hands as they zoom from project to project. Right now it is 9:14pm, no one is asleep and two children are deep into projects. I have tried to catch up all day to no avail. If I was washing dishes the baby had her hands deep in wall paint. If I was trying to fold laundry the children wanted to use it as a cave and if I was scrubbing the shower the baby was taking apart and scattering the contents of my purse. All I want to do is have a day to have everyone gone, and to rip apart every closet and clean out my home! My yard is an atrocity and an eyesore but I can't find the time to deal with it either. 

  I find that I wish for a few dear friends that have the time to give to me and I to them in really practical ways in the day to day. I have had chapters of that in my life that I will always remember with such fondness and thankfulness.

  Anyway, all these things I have realized through the years but the sensitivity amps up life in all ways. My brain is whirring with the needs around me and my body is tense from the caring.

  Whoever and however you shine as your self through your skin I hope you can understand the why's. I feel like that has brought such relief ~ to understand why!