Unforgettable Gifts

   A couple weeks ago my friend Rachelle mentioned my upcoming birthday and asked me what we should do. She mentioned going away somewhere and it got me thinking about the incredible gifts my friends have given me through the years.
   There was this one time when my dear friend invited me to go on a trip with her. We went to Victoria. She had to go to a work conference and was allowed to bring someone and she chose me. We went without children, and for me it was a trip where I felt so nurtured. I realized when I was there that every time I had gone to this certain city I have always felt very loved. I wanted to share pictures from this trip because it will remind me of a really happy time in my life when I look over my blog. It will remind me of  blessings and things done just for me. We started with a ferry ride on an gorgeous day where we sat out in the wind and sun and painted each others nails. It got us lots of looks and comments and it was a fun start to this amazing trip.  After we arrived we then went and explored different nooks and crannies of this beautiful city. It is full or history and the detail and treasures are numerous. I had wanted to make something to remind me to be thankful and joyful in all things so we went to a bead store and made a beautiful prism. Every day the sun shines through my window here rainbows dance around my kitchen and remind me of this trip and  the need to be thankful.

 China Town 

 

A beautiful back alley

Making my sky to sea prism

We stayed at one of the best hotels in the area. It was right beside the parliament buildings and that alone was such a delight. The view was incredible. So many things to feed the soul!

I was able to spend time with some of my aunties who live in Victoria while I was there. I felt little again and so cared for. We went to Bingo and did other special things.

There were so many highlights of this trip. One was the nights of sleep. I was not interrupted over and over and it was magical. Another one was going to a movie and eating out. We ate at a beautiful restaurant right by the water one night. These were luxuries to me and things I don't do often. This was one of the views from the restaurant. I loved all the brick.

Just walking to the restaurant was a treat for the eyes!

On the last day of the trip my friend was in conference all morning and she left me her car. I felt like I was brave enough to explore by myself and I am so glad I did. It was unforgettable. These little ducklings were living just outside of our hotel in the little pools that were a decorative part of the hotel's front. They were so precious. There was a gentleman who's job it was to protect them and help them if anything happened to their mom. They were fed by him and watched over. So many people got so much joy from watching them. They were incredibly precious in the middle of the city. After enjoying their sweetness I got in the car and drove to a park.

When I got there I was greeted by this gentleman. His bejeweled exterior dazzled me for a while before I continued on an mysterious pathway.

I found this bench that I loved.

Oh this path! It led me through and to inexpressible beauty.

After walking alone through a rain drenched meadow and up a hill I wound my way down to the Ocean. It was too beautiful to properly describe.

I was filled so full on this trip. It was something I held in my heart for a long time afterward. What a gift to give someone! I am blessed by friends who give me gifts that go way beyond material things. They are lasting, encouraging and transformative.

When we came home on the ferry my friend was busy putting into practice things she had learned at her conference. I loved all her colors and the textures in this photo. This is her and she has never ceased to amaze me in all our years of friendship ~ 

Goodbye February 2016

   This last day of February is a bit of a bonus day ~ the 29th. I have not done anything really special but the children in the house have had a happy day and so really what more could I ask for. This month has been the typical hard one in this house. Every year by this time we are so in need of sunshine and everyone gets sick. We have been sick all month. There were lovely moments this month though. I think the highlights for me were my mom's birthday and making the fairy houses. I also loved taking the pictures at the Button Box. Another really special happening was that my sister found out that she is going to be having a little girl. I am so excited to finally become an aunty!! March is the month that my husband, my brother and my dad were born and it is the month spring really gets into gear where I live. I am so looking forward to all this. Spring flowers and spring sunlight is like nothing else!!

Why I Am So NOT a Ballerina

     So tomorrow is ballet Tuesday. I am looking forward to it ~ sort of. I have come to realize that back when I tried ballet at the tender age of eleven, or maybe it was twelve, and did not last long....well growing up has not helped things improve ~ at all. It has maybe actually made things worse. There is first the issues of body image. At the age of eleven I was about the height I am now, but I had not given birth to three children, so I fit into the skin tight leotard, skirt and tights without batting an eyelash. Now, even though I am not overly plump, I have all this stretched skin that hangs over everything around my waist, and is not easy to cover up (okay impossible) if I am wearing something skin tight. So I am dancing in loose and flowey things. When I watch myself in the mirror sometimes it is hard to tell if I am holding my arms right etc because things are so camouflaged. I am also short and not flexible. So any sort of high anything to do with legs is very low. I am dizzy when I twirl too!      
    Then there is this issue of this motherhood induced temporary (I hope) brain damage that has become my reality because of lack of sleep. I had no idea what I was doing when I joined this ballet class. As in how challenging it would be for my brain. This teacher teaches by immersion. There is no step by step explanations she just shows us something a time or two or three and we are expected to do it, to music, on time, and all together. I am lost on all sorts of levels. I find that after the hour class my brain is just starting to click into gear, but before that I am always on the tail end, not in time with the music, or anything else, and stumbling along. I have not actually fallen yet, which is nice, but I have noticed my teacher sort of skims by me with her eyes. I probably make them hurt a little. I wish I could bubble over with excuses and have her feel sorry for me and teach me a little more step by step. When I go home I try to look things up on You Tube to see if I can find it being broken down a bit more and sometimes that helps. Honestly though not really. I think I need this combo of being shown and explained to and I need to try it over and over until I get it. Then I need to write it down. Oh so slow is my brain!
   This last week we were supposed to try reverse pirouettes and leaps. I could not leap ~ not even jump ~ I can't even say I successfully hopped. I got lost just trying to do the four steps to the music leading up to the 'leap' ~ and a landing?!!! Not even a hope of that! Reverse pirouettes are mind blowing and I wish I could pick apart in my head all the parts of it more clearly. I wish I was a more visual learner or a bit quicker in picking these things up or I was someone that could figure things out in my head a bit better. My husband and eldest daughter are like that. Their brains naturally pick apart how something works and figures it out and away they go. That means they can play any instrument or fix anything broken or design and make pretty much anything. I am NOT like that. I need things explained to me. I remember that drove my teachers at school crazy.
   In ballet there are so many things to remember when you are doing a 'move.' The number one thing I have realized in ballet is that everything is to look effortless and very flowing. You are to look very connected and yet precise if that makes any sense. So you hold your head a certain way, your arms are a certain way, your hips and butt, your legs and toes ~ from the top of your head to the tips of your toes everything is designed a position. So you start with that in mind but then each move involves each part of your body in a different specific way. So lets say I am doing a pirouette (which is a spin). I need to use a spot on the wall to focus on with my eyes so I pick that. I must start with my arms in a certain position and my head turned a certain way  and my feet in a certain position. There are moves leading up to the pirouette you need to do with your feet, and then you need to do the turn/twirl without stumbling or falling while moving your arms into different positions and head and you need to end a certain way with the said arms, feet and head. There are so many thing to remember with just that one word ~ pirouette. What did I expect? I didn't give it much thought when I started the class. However as each class goes on I have this sense of being very incapable.
  There are moments though when we are at the bar and are able to do slow graceful things that I can manage to do and then I am able to appreciate how my body feels. I do love to feel strong and graceful and yet delicate. So I am not going to quit going. I feel like my brain has learned an astounding amount, well maybe it has not exactly learned it yet, but has observed and tried to learn, an astounding amount of new information since January. I may be the worst in the class but that is fine right? That is not my point in going. I might not have a lot of time to practice, and when I do I might have at least two children practicing with me and a baby usually tripping me. I may not have a lot of body strength, or grace, or flexibility, or height, or much at all that says ballerina; BUT I know that getting out and trying something new and challenging is good. So I will keep on and that is all I wanted to say :) Have a wonderful week!

For My Husband

    I remember the day we were driving down the road past the lake. We were just friends at the time. We were talking about our dreams and what we thought our lives would look like. We had such similar dreams. It was like all of a sudden some sort of antenna went up from each of us and started angling towards each other! Were we meant to be more? We had known each other since grade one and it all seemed so unlikely!
   Then there was the day I was felt so disgruntled about everything. I didn't want to like you 'more' and yet I was starting to. I felt like we were such opposites (and yes we were and we still are!) and I felt like I knew too much about you ~ or something. There was a field of flowers that someone was growing and we had gone for a drive and I asked you to pick some. You said that would be stealing and I just didn't care. That was so out of character for me that you pulled over, hopped a barbed wire fence and started stealing! I got out of the car (in my PJ's) and just stood there. I must have looked distressed because someone pulled over and asked if I was okay. There we were, me in PJ's, you in the field stealing, and I just said, Yup I'm fine! They didn't really believe me so I had to be emphatic. I think it was a defining moment. I just didn't want to 'like you more.' I felt like it was not going to be an easy road. However I knew I would be FINE! A couple days later we were walking down the road by the farm at night and we had that moment where everything changed. I remember it so clearly and I am glad I do.
  Relationships are so interesting! They start off with such emotion ~ So many feelings! The world is on fire, full of color, and life, and vibrancy. Everything has a shimmer over it and you swear you could fly. We got married after a couple months together. It was quite the day! Sort of hazy. I remember my engagement ring being found. I had lost it three weeks before. That was a defining clear moment of the day. Other than that everything is a bit cloudy except, oh, I put your ring on the wrong hand! And our ring bearer would not walk down the aisle so his dad carried him and that was really special. Never mind, now many little moments are flooding back.
   I feel like so much of our time together has been me walking wounded. I am glad, thankful too, that it all started off lying on a road, staring at the stars, and we were good friends. I cared about you deeply it wasn't infatuation. I still do. I am glad we have kept going and have not given up.
  Today was an ordinary Saturday. You took a big load of garbage to the dump, you made the bunny cage bigger, you took our two oldest out for breakfast and took another one to the dump with you. You took the youngest outside and just gave him so much happiness. You were present and the day was such a happy one. When I think back to us driving past that lake and our dreams, when I think about us on the road under the stars, you stealing flowers, our wedding day and every day after that ~ it blows my mind.
  We have been on our own journeys and we have been on a journey together. We have given these children, these lives that we are responsible to nurture, to love, to cherish and through it all ~ we still have each other. You are all kinds of wonderful, you in your neon Canex hat and Australian hiking boots and that beard ~ all kinds of wonderful and I love you. xo

The Wounds of Adoption (Part Three) The Acknowledgement

      Adoption. When I adopted my daughter I desperately wanted to sort of 'forget' that she was adopted. In that I mean I wanted her to feel completely my own one hundred percent. It felt safer that way. What do I mean by that? Safer? I think maybe I meant easier, not so many unknown variables, less emotional scars; the list goes on. She was my first and so I had nothing else to go on attachment wise. For a while I did try to feel  like she felt all my own...but there were moments ~ like her birth mother bringing my daughter a birthday cake for her fifth birthday unannounced, so I tucked the other birthday cake I had made away, or the many other things that reminded  me so vividly that she was not one hundred percent my own ~ that were pretty relentless.
   I have had conversations with other adoptive parents. Our hearts are vulnerable and we want to feel like our family is normal and well blended and that our adopted child is thought of just the same as our biological children if we have any. However it is just not the same. This child grew in someone elses womb!! That counts for SO MUCH. They have pieces of themselves missing. Some parts of them are out there in the world and they might not know where those pieces are or what those pieces look like. It is a deep wound and it is a dark wound. The more we try to tell ourselves that our adopted child is not different and that we feel the exact same about them as our biological children I think we do ourselves and our child a disservice. Even if we do not have any biological children it is important to recognize that there is a difference in the natural order of attachment. These children have history elsewhere, they have a different biological chemistry and although they are ours and they are accepted, they are cherished, they are loved, they need to be special in an adopted special way.
  A friend of mine from highschool was adopted and I remember after adopting our daughter I was talking to her mom. I mentioned my child's birth mother and she was shocked that I felt okay calling her a 'birth' mother. She felt I should never acknowledge 'that woman' as a mother. I could hear the wound and its depth. I have a distant family member who is adopted and there was such a push to raise her exactly how all the other children had been raised in the family. Her damage is so deep because she needed so much more than she was allowed to have! It caused a lot of actual physical brain damage. There has been a dramatic shift over time in some senses about adoption and including birth families and openness and such. However I feel like there is still such a skewed  or maybe its a desperate perspective  based on feeling threatened or insecure on the adoptive parents part on so many levels.
   In each and every situation of adoption careful attention must be made in regards to each child's heart. Careful attention and honoring acknowledgement must be made to each level of attachment that child has had over time. It all starts with their birth mother though and that needs to be acknowledged every single time. She mattered much. She was precious and special and she caused a deep wound. Her act cannot be presented as an act of love. It was an act of rejection even though it was probably made out of care and love. To our children it is rejection and we need to be able to give them room to feel that and work through that. However deep honor must also be given to their birth mothers too. It is a hard balance.
  After that taking note of time spent in foster homes, orphanages, each place where there may have been a connection of sorts, or total lack of connection, and each time there might have been a wounding. I know for my girly her brother (my bio son) came just six months after she moved in. It was not enough time for her to bond or feel safe in our home, and how could she NOT feel replaced. It is life and it is what it is, but children coming into your home that are not from your body need so much special, extra, different care! Any child coming from any hard place does, and each one needs something totally different. Also no matter at what age your child has come to you there are things they just instinctively know. We have more than just our physical bodies we are spiritual beings. We have memory that goes so deep. There are feelings for reasons. It takes so much effort, so much work, to figure out what those needs are. Some children are just not capable of what we are asking of them and need lower expectations but we so badly want them to 'not be different' that we don't give them that opportunity. Some need counseling for Post Traumatic Stress, some need baskets in their rooms full of tools to help them with their stress levels, some need to be home schooled because they just cannot handle the demands of a class room, some need the chance to act like a baby again to revisit that place and be loved and nurtured because they didn't get that chance when they were babies, some need to co sleep for a while ~ I mean it goes on and on...but every child needs positive smiling eyes looking into theirs whenever possible, they need words for their emotions, they need a safe place to be whatever their little hearts need to be ~ whether it be angry or scared or sad or whatever that emotion may be. So often I feel like I just don't provide that for my girl because it is just too much or I have so many other things going on. Like her being adopted has to not be such a big factor in our family. Who am I kidding though; it has to be acknowledged! So often this is uncomfortable and so hard for us as adoptive parents. We do not want to face this or have to deal with it as often as we do. Maybe we don't feel equipped? The journey has already been so hard and we have given so much.
  The easy road is not one that we have the option of taking here is it? As parents we have hopefully chosen a road full of self sacrifice and love that can bear all thing. We need to talk to others, gather strength from support, and give our children the empathy, space, love and care that they require. I am preaching to myself here. It will powerfully equip our children to seek out their healing and their peace. I feel like it will make all the difference. I know it will.

My Favorite Store

    There are kindred spirits out there. Have you ever found one? One day I was walking down town. I had a double stroller and little children and I happened upon a store called The Button Box. I could barely fit the stroller through the door and just managed to fit it in a corner of the store. I was mesmerized by the treasures. It was all the things that spoke to me in one place! The store owner was so sweet. She was not phased by the massive stroller or busy inquisitive children. She gave them a container of buttons and a vintage muffin tin to sort them into and miracle of miracles they sat and sorted buttons! I can't remember the first thing I bought there. It might have been a package of beautiful cards or a hat but every single thing I have ever bought there has been something I absolutely loved. I am always completely blown away by the depth of beauty in the store and how everything is put together. The store has moved a couple doors down from its original location and is now bigger and brighter and even more full of delight. In this town stores like this are NOT a dime a dozen they are one in a million. I feel like Jeanie (who owns the store) is a kindred spirit. She is beautiful, kind, empathetic, caring, sweet and completely divine.
  When you walk into the Button Box it makes you wish you had your nails done and lip stick on and lived in a time of gloves and hats. It makes you want to have fresh flowers on your kitchen table. The Button Box inspires me, anyway, to remember what I love and who I am deep down. I feel like every time I am there I am strengthened to keep on. It might sound silly but I am! Jeanie and her girls make such an effort to make me feel like I matter and that my life as it is right now is not just mundane or ridiculous. I have been going to the Button Box now for nine years and I love it more every time.
  I went there today and took some pictures of it. I wish I was more computer savvy so I could post them in a beautiful way. However I will do what I can ~ Enjoy


I love the gold baskets under this table and this display ~ golds and spring blues, fresh green and everything beautiful.

Obviously I got caught up in that display for quite a while :) I was able to tear myself away and meander through the store clicking enthusiastically. There is a children's section filled with sweetness.

 Above are perfect little aprons to inspire you and your littles to work together in the kitchen.  Below are perfect swaddling blankets and baskets for your baby room.

The classic book by Beatrice Potter that I grew up with. One of my favorites!

Such a sweet little mobile ~ I love the simplicity and yet it draws your eye.

Stunning colors

Are you ready for this? It is amazing......

These are so colorful and fetching!!!

I love these blossoms ~ they also greet you as you walk in.

 This picture ~ I love the bright bouquet. It makes me wish to be in Italy. I don't know why.

 So many details.

So serene and peaceful  

Do you need a delectable cook book? Cause they have one!

How about a hat? Do you need one of those? Cause they have those too.

Jewelry that matches your day timer? It is there and it is gorgeous.

They have elegantly wrapped delicately scented soap too ~

Touches of sparkle and shine are to be found all throughout the store. 

They have tiny dishes to hold your rings if you want one..in robins egg blue ~ is there anything delicate, feminine and perfect they have not covered? I think not.

Earrings, sunglasses, scarves, hair adornments ~ all the accessories you need to feel fabulous are here.

I adore the contrast of this dress fabric, the tree beside it and the desk that it is sitting on. Genius I think!

Of course they have tiny little birds and at Christmas they had hedgehogs.

If you need anything scented with lavender....apparently that is not a problem here! See what I mean? Everything lady like and delicate is here!!

Scarves

Water bottles

Totally cute T Shirts

Writing utensils and elegant antique desks at which to use them  

 

The sweetest most fetching mugs

I have lots more pictures of which I will save for a rainy day. I hope you have enjoyed glimpses into my most favorite store. Everyone needs a Button Box in their life. A place where when you walk in you feel like you have found a part of yourself. Have a lovely Friday tomorrow xo