Why I Am So NOT a Ballerina

     So tomorrow is ballet Tuesday. I am looking forward to it ~ sort of. I have come to realize that back when I tried ballet at the tender age of eleven, or maybe it was twelve, and did not last long....well growing up has not helped things improve ~ at all. It has maybe actually made things worse. There is first the issues of body image. At the age of eleven I was about the height I am now, but I had not given birth to three children, so I fit into the skin tight leotard, skirt and tights without batting an eyelash. Now, even though I am not overly plump, I have all this stretched skin that hangs over everything around my waist, and is not easy to cover up (okay impossible) if I am wearing something skin tight. So I am dancing in loose and flowey things. When I watch myself in the mirror sometimes it is hard to tell if I am holding my arms right etc because things are so camouflaged. I am also short and not flexible. So any sort of high anything to do with legs is very low. I am dizzy when I twirl too!      
    Then there is this issue of this motherhood induced temporary (I hope) brain damage that has become my reality because of lack of sleep. I had no idea what I was doing when I joined this ballet class. As in how challenging it would be for my brain. This teacher teaches by immersion. There is no step by step explanations she just shows us something a time or two or three and we are expected to do it, to music, on time, and all together. I am lost on all sorts of levels. I find that after the hour class my brain is just starting to click into gear, but before that I am always on the tail end, not in time with the music, or anything else, and stumbling along. I have not actually fallen yet, which is nice, but I have noticed my teacher sort of skims by me with her eyes. I probably make them hurt a little. I wish I could bubble over with excuses and have her feel sorry for me and teach me a little more step by step. When I go home I try to look things up on You Tube to see if I can find it being broken down a bit more and sometimes that helps. Honestly though not really. I think I need this combo of being shown and explained to and I need to try it over and over until I get it. Then I need to write it down. Oh so slow is my brain!
   This last week we were supposed to try reverse pirouettes and leaps. I could not leap ~ not even jump ~ I can't even say I successfully hopped. I got lost just trying to do the four steps to the music leading up to the 'leap' ~ and a landing?!!! Not even a hope of that! Reverse pirouettes are mind blowing and I wish I could pick apart in my head all the parts of it more clearly. I wish I was a more visual learner or a bit quicker in picking these things up or I was someone that could figure things out in my head a bit better. My husband and eldest daughter are like that. Their brains naturally pick apart how something works and figures it out and away they go. That means they can play any instrument or fix anything broken or design and make pretty much anything. I am NOT like that. I need things explained to me. I remember that drove my teachers at school crazy.
   In ballet there are so many things to remember when you are doing a 'move.' The number one thing I have realized in ballet is that everything is to look effortless and very flowing. You are to look very connected and yet precise if that makes any sense. So you hold your head a certain way, your arms are a certain way, your hips and butt, your legs and toes ~ from the top of your head to the tips of your toes everything is designed a position. So you start with that in mind but then each move involves each part of your body in a different specific way. So lets say I am doing a pirouette (which is a spin). I need to use a spot on the wall to focus on with my eyes so I pick that. I must start with my arms in a certain position and my head turned a certain way  and my feet in a certain position. There are moves leading up to the pirouette you need to do with your feet, and then you need to do the turn/twirl without stumbling or falling while moving your arms into different positions and head and you need to end a certain way with the said arms, feet and head. There are so many thing to remember with just that one word ~ pirouette. What did I expect? I didn't give it much thought when I started the class. However as each class goes on I have this sense of being very incapable.
  There are moments though when we are at the bar and are able to do slow graceful things that I can manage to do and then I am able to appreciate how my body feels. I do love to feel strong and graceful and yet delicate. So I am not going to quit going. I feel like my brain has learned an astounding amount, well maybe it has not exactly learned it yet, but has observed and tried to learn, an astounding amount of new information since January. I may be the worst in the class but that is fine right? That is not my point in going. I might not have a lot of time to practice, and when I do I might have at least two children practicing with me and a baby usually tripping me. I may not have a lot of body strength, or grace, or flexibility, or height, or much at all that says ballerina; BUT I know that getting out and trying something new and challenging is good. So I will keep on and that is all I wanted to say :) Have a wonderful week!