Just a Quote That Helped Me Out

  My cousin sent me this quote from a book she has been reading called, 'Crazy Busy' (I believe) and I was so blessed by it.

  'We cannot having meaningful relationships with thousands of people. We cannot really know what's going on in the world. We cannot truly be here and there at the same time. The biggest deception of our digital age may be the lie that says we can be omni-competent, omni-informed, and omni-present. We cannot be any of these things. We must choose our absence, our inability, and our ignorance wisely. The sooner we can accept this finitude, the sooner we can be free.'

  I feel like after reading this I can breathe so much more deeply. The anxiety technology causes me is ridiculous and this quote helped me realize why. I am not omni-competent, informed or present but I have felt like maybe I should be and I have felt torn and drawn in and all sorts of things. I have been working hard on helping my children manage their anxiety and yet drawn into a bit of a trap that has made mine worse.

  God bless us all. We are experiencing something that has not been seen before to such a degree. This feeling of knowing so so SO much all the time about so many people that we honestly dont really know at all is intoxicating and yet oh so draining. We need to remember that there is a real world, real relationships, real flowers to smell, real mountains to climb, real people to feed, and that is enough. Just a little sermon to myself..and I guess to you too if you are reading.
xo

Facebook Withdrawl (2)

   I am not sure how many days I have been 'off ' facebook. I have not shut down my account because I don't want to and I am still going on it probably once a day for about two minutes so am I even really off it? For me yes :) So far it has been so great. I am spending a lot less time on the computer and feel a lot less weighed down. I had a very busy weekend which was a great distraction also!
  Right now I know of a child that is in the foster care system because the mother is so addicted to electronics that this little one was completely neglected so was apprehended from her care. This is intense! I feel like if I had a cell phone 24/7 plus the computer I could easily become neglectful. Motherhood is demanding and often lonely and the false comfort of feeling connected would consume me.
  So I hope I am taking healthy steps in the right places.

  Today was quite the day. My daughter and I had to conduct a baby rescue. There was a little one year old that left her house (the back door was left open) at 9am, her mother has five children and was still fast asleep. She was wearing a diaper (and nothing else) and holding a can of juice. She walked across the road and down the street quite a ways. Who knows how long she was out alone but by the time she got to our house she was calling out for her mommy. She had her diaper off  ( so I see this little baby standing alone naked on the side of the road) and was holding it in her hand, a pit bull (her families') was protecting her. We heard her calling for her mom and the dog barking furiously. When we got there the dog tried to attack my daughter through the fence ( I had not gone down at first totally not believing there was a baby by herself so my daughter is the true hero in all of this as she heard her calling and saw her and didn't see a mom anywhere so went to check out the situation) and we couldn't get to her. I couldn't open my locked gate as I didn't have the key and was afraid to open the garage door in case the dog attacked us because the door closes so slowly. After a while the dog seemed to sense she was being rescued and ran away (my neighbor was gearing up to help but the dog thankfully backed off in perfect time) and my daughter jumped the fence and brought her to me. We took her inside and got a clean diaper on her and a sweet little dress my five year old used to fit a long time ago, gave her some water and a banana and tried to figure out what the heck to do! She was thirsty, hungry but calm.
  In the end her mother was tracked down and she was safely united with her baby but the horror of what had happened chilled me all day. I was shaking for hours afterward. Anyone could have picked her up, she could have wondered so much farther, there is a busy road so close and she was so tiny and naked. She was very calm and snuggly the whole time she was with us which was a blessing and we only had her for about half an hour before her mother was found but moments like this make me realize how easy it is to slip up. It cements my wanting to try to be a more aware, more careful mama. So today we went to some wetlands and the children played in water, played with rocks and climbed up tree roots and just had some fun. They also watched a lot of TV and had multiple cool baths. I also cut off all my five year old's blonde curls.She has been wanting a short hair cut for a long time and it was hard for me but I knew how much it meant to her. She looks adorable. Today my sweet ones were happy and safe and I was thankful for them, thankful that WE found the baby and no one else, and that her dog so carefully protected her. What a morning! What a day.

And onwards we go.

All this hair is cut off at her ears now :) She is adorable but I miss her blonde curls so much. I'll post more pictures of her another day.

Hair Do

   When I was growing up I probably started doing my own hair at the age of four. My oldest daughter did this as well. There was just something about us that wanted to do our own thing in the hair department. I think we probably both insisted on picking our own clothes as well. I used to wish for a pin I could attach to the back of my oldests clothing that said, 'Yes, I dress myself.' I remember one day she went to kindergarten with so many hair pins in just her bangs that some were sticking straight up. She was amazing.
  I used to sport massive Easter colored hair clips that were not bows but arrangements of flowers. They stuck off the sides of my red hair in a very startling manner, but I am sure I thought it was beautiful. I also started doing my sister's hair for them when they were quite young. I doubt my mom did much hair. I was happy to take over and do what needed to be done. My sister's have some incredibly gorgeous school photos of them as I did their hair and also picked their outfits. My mom turned a blind eye I guess, but one year the crimped frizz look just takes the cake! We look a sight with our missing teeth, frizzy hair and massive hair bows and we felt ready for a ball I am sure.
  Well today we had some guests heading out to a wedding and I offered to do the three girls hair and their mother's as well. I had fun. I have problems hiding hair pins but other than that I feel like I do a decent job. When a girl feels pretty after her hair is done and that little smile steals into their eyes...I feel so great! I am also a master at not pulling and hurting while doing hair since my sisters put up massive, incredible fusses as I pulled and manipulated their locks into things of beauty.
 
Here are some pictures of the hair because I am sure you are dying to see what I can do and because I am proud enough to show them off.

This was mommy's hair and I think I did exactly what she wanted. I am not positive but she assured me she liked it so I was happy with that. 

This is oldest daughter's hair.

This is middle daughter's hair

This is littlest daughter's hair. I had originally started with just the first braid but she declared she didn't want to actually SEE any of her hair so the second layer of braids was added.

  And now they are off to the wedding. I am going to rest as my husband has the three oldest on a hike and the baby is not feeling well and so sleeping. It was a super fun weekend but I am not used to cooking for twelve people and it is not my strong point so I feel pretty drained. I hope your weekend is going well. If you get a chance to enjoy the sun and pick a flower or two I hope it blesses you.
xo

Ice Cream and Goats

   Probably once a week I drive to Triple O's and go through the drive through and buy a massive blueberry milk shake with whip cream on it. I may sometimes go more than once a week. Then I drive away sucking back that shake and hoping for the glory to fall.

It is comfort in a cup.

Comfort

  We all learn what comfort is in some way shape or form from our parents. Sometimes it means we need hugs and snuggles, or a bag of chips and a good book, or a bowl of popcorn with MandM's and a movie, or maybe we need to go sit out in amongst the trees. No matter what we choose for comfort I have decided that comfort is comfort and comfort is GOOD. This is different than drowning our sorrows. Drowning brings death.

Comfort is different.

   My milk shake is comfort to me and as I drive and the milk shake disappears by the time I am half way through I feel more at peace. I start to center in and feel like I am coming back to myself and by the time it is done I look at the cup in disbelief and can't believe I did that again, and yet  deep down I feel way better.
  I remember talking to my counselor about how bad it was that I comforted myself with food. She gave me a look of compassion and asked me how comforting myself was ever bad? She asked how much food I ate and what it was. In the end I realized there was no shame in it and nothing bad at all. This truth was a beautiful thing.

  I was writing to a friend today asking me if she needed me to bring her ice cream and goats.
See if you show up at someone's house with comfort, if someone brings you comfort, it helps to stop the spinning for a minute and help you feel loved and safe and cared for. I bring her ice cream sometimes.
  I mention goats because if I brought goats to your house and left for about an hour by the time I came back all other crisis' would seem slightly pale in comparison to that hour you had just had to go through with goats. Without goats, all things are possible. With comfort a lot more is possible.

 Comfort can sometimes help you gather the perspective that can be reeling out madly like a large fish on a thin fishing line.

  We often feel guilty in our comfort. I think because often we don't feel we deserve it maybe?
Well we do. I do. You do. Maybe you need a bit of comfort today. A time to tell yourself you have worth, you are special and you are loved.
Cause ya are
xo

Ramblings About Money

  Red berries on our tree. They are so beautiful right now! Eventually they fall and cover our driveway and vehicle and it is annoying but right now they look so bright and add more color to the front of our lot and I love it. The baby is sitting beside me clacking away on another set of keyboard keys and the two middle children are fighting up a storm. My oldest is helping at a kids camp. We have a pretty typical summer day in front of us except that this month it hasn't been very sunny and today is no exception. I dont mind. When it is really hot I have a problem with my leg and it hurts so much in the heat. So I have not been minding being pain free and the children can still play outside because it is not pouring rain. However the sun shine DOES help me feel more motivated and energetic so I am hoping it will peek out soon behind these dreary clouds. This morning I payed some bills and I realized I have not written about money on here yet which is surprising because money is often on my mind.

Money

  Honestly sometimes thinking about money consumes me. This is another area I have been working on ferociously but it seems to get the better of me pretty regularly. I was raised in a family that consistently struggled to make ends meet especially at different points in life. I don't necessarily have the healthiest view of money and my husband and I differ considerably in this area. We have come a long way though when I think back.  I think money is a number one marriage breaker upper and it has driven us to the brink of disaster many a time. I don't love money at all, not one little bit, other than the fact that I can give it away and that makes me happy.

  However my husband has helped me learn a lot about money and what it can do for you. It is not something that needs to control, drain and never be enough. In the world there is enough money, there is loads of it, so so so much money!!!! We just have to learn how to get some of for ourselves :) That takes learning and self discipline and a possible mind and heart change in how it is regarded.

Some important words he taught me were liability and asset.

Everything we buy is one or the other.

  If you buy a car it is immediately a liability because it is only going to drain you of money and not make you money (unless you figure out a way to make money off your vehicle). Buy a house and it can be the same OR it can be an asset in that it has a suite you can rent out and therefore a way to bring in money to you. We have a friend who has an incredible mind in that way. He has every nook and cranny of his house down to his driveway making him money and it is inspirational. We did not start thinking this way until just a couple years ago but the difference it has made in most of our financial decisions has been huge.

  My husband and I have rarely made over thirty thousand dollars a year in our marriage. Our biggest year was sixty thousand dollars. However through the years we have been gifted amounts of money in unexpected ways. It has been incredible. In that there were many choices we could have made but there were people in our lives that helped us use it wisely.

  Something we were advised to do was talk to a financial advisor and we did this about four years into our marriage. He asked us questions we had never ever though about before...like when did we want to retire? When we retired what did we want our lives to look like? What goals did we have financially at that time? Our minds were blown. We had no answers but it got us thinking. After we had our answers he gave us monthly goals to start working towards. He taught us a bit about investing in the stock market. Others taught us about investing in real estate and through trial and error we have learned a lot.

  So day to day I struggle with making ends meet. We are a one income house hold. We can pay our bills because of my husband's amazing work ethic and because of government supplementation. We don't go on vacations and our vehicle does not have a trunk, our children have mostly second hand things and all our furniture has been given to us. I am thankful for this. We have learned so much and not taken what has been gifted to us forgranted ~ the future is bright.

  I have been so anxious for YEARS about money. As long as I can remember I have worked and worked to make ends meet. There have been brief times when it wasn't such a struggle and the feeling of that lifted stress was amazing. I think that ever so slowly we are getting to a place where this might not be such a struggle anymore and in saying that I can't even really fathom what that will look like but I am sure excited about it.

  My grandparents in their later years were quite wealthy but did they go on holidays, buy new vehicles, build a dream house, new clothes even? NO they did not. Did they share their money and give to others? YES. It influenced me greatly and I hope as time goes on if my husband and I are ever in a place where we are not living pay check to pay check we can remember how they lived because we both really admired and appreciated that.

And that is my random, unorganized little blurb on money today.
Have a lovely day
xo

Facebook Withdrawl

  Today is another cloudy sultry day here where I live. Birds are singing and quite happily I might add. Once again I am so thankful that even though I live in town I see trees and mountain tops wherever I cast my eyes. I am sifting through thoughts. I am at a bit of a different place right now. I have been getting better sleep for a while and that hasn't happened for quite some time. The baby is going on two soon though and he is naturally starting to sleep longer hours and more deeply through the night. It is giving me more capacity in some areas and I am wanting to try to make some changes. Yesterday I decided to cut down on my facebook time by almost one hundred percent. It was a long time coming. It felt like I was letting go of this sort of life line ~ a connection to a bigger different world then my own. I felt grief and anxiousness and a sense of panic. I will miss so many important happenings! I wont know this and that or how this person or that person is doing!! (Those were thoughts going through my head)

  Here is the thing though. Why is it so bad to be disconnected? Why do I feel it so vital to be connected? Why can't I look around and find satisfaction in the choices I have made in my actual life? Why can't I be satisfied with the relationships I have in real life? Why do I feel this desperation to stare at a screen hoping to feel important, connected or appreciated?

   I am realizing the depth of my need, where it stems from, looking for ways to heal better and to cope more healthily, and it has resulted in me needing to prune my branches. I need to cut away. I hope new growth will form and that I can grow. I am not saying facebook is a bad thing at all. It just is for me right now. I am not saying that being connected through the internet is a bad thing because it isn't. I just have been using it to foster a life that I don't actually want. I want to figure out how to make the relationships I have in my life as healthy on my part as possible. We'll see how it goes and what this is actually going to look like.

  In other news I finished  the book 'Rolf In the Woods Today.' I loved it. It made me think about all sorts of things ~ forest dwelling, living off the land, trapping, fishing, hunting, relationships, character, integrity, animals, belief systems, heritage, culture. I loved it. I hope I get to read it to my children. I think my one son will especially love it.

xo

More Pictures of Baby O

                        Here she is at just over a week old ~ my little sweet niece. What a treasure!

She had had a good nap and so was awake and nursing most of the time I was there so we snuck a couple little moments in with the camera when we could.

Those flowers stayed on for about five seconds and I took this while she was stretching and they were falling off.

She loves here mommy and her mommy loves her. 

                                        She is such a dolly!! We love the color blue on her.

                                                  Okay yes little one you can nurse again :)

                                   I got some snuggles in there to, but she knew I was not mommy!

Keep up the amazing job sis. You are awesome! I hope this next precious little while goes by in the most perfect fashion for you. xo

Flowers at Kilby's

  This afternoon my children, mom, friends and I went to Kilby's Museum. It is a favorite spot of mine. This year they have a stunning array of flowers because they have a volunteer gardener. Here are some pictures I took from this afternoon. Between trying to keep up with a grumpy demanding five year old, a baby who needed changing a couple times and is quite heavy now, and all the other little things....I really enjoyed my moments. What a wonderful place.

                    I love that there are animals the children can feed and touch and they love it to.

 Some of the buildings here are from the 1880's. I like to imagine the immense work and creativity, problem solving and skill that went into crafting these. They have stood the test of time (none of these pictures of buildings are from that time though!)

The flowers...

It was stunning. I am grateful for this time and this place. Another happy memory.