Realizing Your Pain and Not Pushing It Away

  When I was growing up I was a sensitive child that went through traumatic experiences.

  That does not sound pleasant does it? I think that for many people this sentence could be their own. Some people have actually experienced chronic trauma.

What is trauma?

It is 'an emotional shock following a stressful event or physical injury which may be associated with physical shock and sometimes leads to long term neurosis.'

Also this:

'Psychological trauma is a type of damage to the mind that occurs as a result of a severely distressing event. Trauma is often the result of an overwhelming amount of stress that exceeds one's ability to cope, or integrate the emotions involved with that experience. A traumatic event involves one's experience, or repeating events of being overwhelmed that can be precipitated in weeks, years, or even decades as the person struggles to cope with the immediate circumstances, eventually leading to serious, long-term negative consequences.' 

  As a child how did I process this trauma? As a child what tools do we have to process trauma?
Then we grow up and we may be stuck emotionally still in certain ages where we experienced trauma.

  We all perceive and experience the world through our own lenses. One experience to one person may not phase them to a very great degree, while another person experiencing the same thing is traumatized terribly. We are our own people. We are allowed to feel what we feel.

  Sometimes though the pain of situations are so overwhelming and so great that we cannot think about it, feel it, or process it. So we shove it down, do whatever it takes to cope, and move on as best we can. It can become a pattern. We might develop behaviors to be able to keep managing as best we can in life, but ultimately pain that is inside us will not leave on its own. It is something we have to have the strength to bring up and process so it can be released.

  Today's society is very fast paced. In my country people are very indivualistic. People are obsessed with online reality rather then real life reality. Now more than ever pain can be pushed down, and when it comes up people are more alone then they ever have been. I dont believe you can properly and healthily deal with pain and trauma alone. You need support and you need to be held gently and sweetly.

  Why say all this?

  I am starting counselling tonight. I have gone to about four different counsellors over the course of eleven years. They have all helped me in different ways. Some of them I have felt very connected to and almost everything they said was like a lighting bolt to my soul in the best way possible. Others I didn't feel connected to but I still knew their support was vital at that point in my life. There is a lot of good in going to a counsellor you can connect to and who you feel trust with. I have no idea how I will feel about this new counsellor tonight but I am hoping for good things.

  Why should I start counselling again? Why now? Well honestly I am such an advocate of counselling and mentoring. It is a pearl of great price. Lately I have felt a bit 'lost at sea' so to speak. A counsellor or mentor can sometimes provide you with feelings of stability that are desperately needed. At this point in time that is what I am hoping for. Counsellors are not people that are there to judge you or tell you what to do. They are there to listen and ask questions. They are there to walk alongside you on your journey ~ helping you cope, asking thought provoking questions, and then hopefully helping you rise up stronger and with more confidence to move forward. We so easily are stuck on paths and roads that have been walked before us by our previous family for generations. Sometimes those paths are not kind and they are full of treachery. However, we have no tools to get off that path onto a different road. I believe counselling can help us be able to get off that road and onto a new path ~ one that feels healthy and unique and beautiful. If we have children this is so so important for their sakes and their future as well. I actually have two of my children attending counselling this summer as well. I am hoping this will give them tools to help them grow fully and well rather than emotionally stunted with wounding.

  Something that commonly happens to people who experience trauma is that when the pain is pushed down eventually their body starts to break down. Our spirit, soul and body are intricately connected. What our soul and mind experience our body will also. Do we really realize the ramifications of that? Maybe not, but we need to. Pain and heart ache not acknowledged and dealt with, bitterness that has settled in, despair, rejection, all of these things are wounds that sitting stagnant inside us will rot.

  So I feel the deep need to prevent that in me. I want to keep digging deep, getting on new roads. We shall see how it goes this time around.

  If you are struggling ~ if you KNOW you have pain that you have not dealt with...this is not a threat okay, it is just the truth, it is going to affect you, it is going to hurt you. Dealing with it might seem too daunting, too much, and it isn't going to be easy. But the freedom you will feel, the weight that will be lifted, the beauty that can fill you in the healing...is worth it all! I promise. Just don't try to do anything alone.

xo
Tansy

Thinking of an Old Friend

   Good morning ~ the sun brilliantly looked out from behind some clouds and is illuminating everything its' rays touch. As soon as I woke up I was drawn outside because of the joy the birds were expressing. It is a glorious morning out there ~ better than good :)

  On this glorious morning I woke up from a dream. For years I did not wake up with any memories of dreams. I think because for ten straight years I had very poor and broken up sleep each night. Lately my almost four year old has been sleeping straight through the night and I have been trying to go to bed at 10pm or as close to it as I can make it. This means I have been dreaming again! So I woke up from a vivid dream and in that dream I was on the phone with an old best friend. I have not seen or talked to him for years and years. In hearing his voice in my dream and then waking up I was flooded with memories about this friend and decided to write about him. This will be a jumble of memories with not a lot of order.

  Old best friends ~ I have a few. What journeys did they take with you in life? What paths did they walk with you? Ricky was my best friend I think maybe from age ten into my teens? I am not exactly sure when we became best friends I could have been nine. His family ended up moving onto our property and he was my age. He had a little brother as well and I had four siblings. We were all together as much as we were allowed. We would rush as quickly as we could to wash dishes after dinner at our separate homes, or go to each other's homes to help the other person wash dishes so we could spend those last precious minutes of the day in play. When we were not allowed to play we sat on the log dividing our properties, that neither person was allowed to cross, and talked.

  We lived on a thirteen acre farm on a quiet picturesque road and that farm and road held endless adventure and treasures for us. There was open fields (endless to us), creeks, forest, old cars in the forests riddled with bullet holes and more. He and I had a multitude of animals to look after. I was homeschooled and Ricky's mom decided to homeschool him as well. I remember picking blackberries together in the Summer biking down the road with buckets to the biggest patches; and one time Rick saved me from falling face first into a massive tangle of blackberries by grabbing my braid last minute. We had each other's backs. When I finally went back to school, and Ricky was eventually sent to the same school, I made sure he had friends before he got there.

  When I was ten I got a pony and a little while later Ricky got a massive cart pulling horse. I can't remember exactly what breed she was but her hooves looked like dinner plates. We made quite a pair going on horse rides together. I could beat Ricky in an arm wrestle but he could beat me at horse races every single time. Ricky spent hours helping me clean my horse stall, clean my rabbit stalls, collect eggs, the list was endless. We talked about what we dreamed of being when we were older. He wanted to be a lawyer. He had such a gentle soul and a kind giving heart.

  One day Ricky brought a new born duckling home for me that he had found wandering alone at an auction. He knew that I would treasure it. I did. I remember the first time he saw me wear makeup as we were getting a bit older and he was so shocked. He didn't love the change. I remember him asking me what adolescents was. I was well into it already he was not quite there. I gave a vague answer about voices changing and he was happy. We went to the same church growing up and so sometimes Ricky and I would do duets together at different functions. I remember one time my mike wasn't on as I was singing and so he reached over and quietly clicked it on for me. We were both so nervous but he still had my back in that moment. As kids who lived on the same property we had so much time to spend together. When you grow up you don't get to have friendships like that very often.

  We had to move when I was thirteen to a totally different part of our Province. Ricky and I stayed dear friends into our twenties but slowly as life went on we went our separate ways. One of my last memories of him is going back to my old town with one of my current best friends. We went to my old church and Ricky came there to see me. We both had children they were young and we didn't get to talk much, but he told my friend that we had been best best friends growing up. We had never really labelled it as such. We just were us. When she told me he had said that I burst into tears. Ricky was someone who loved me so sweetly. I am so thankful that he was in my life. I know now that back then I took his kindness to me forgranted. I just assumed every friend was like Ricky was. I was sheltered and the friends I did have were wonders. As time went on I realized the treasure I had in him.

  As I think about him today I hope he is happy. I hope that his children are doing well and that he is satisfied with where he is in life. He was such an amazing best friend.

Did you have a best friend growing up who loved you well? If so you were given a gift. If you did not, maybe YOU were the best friend to someone else. Friends are such gifts at any stage in life. They are the blessers of your soul.

Have a lovely weekend,
Tansy

Some Thoughts

When you look at your life is it how you want it to look?

 If not ~ what do you want it to look like?

 What do you enjoy about the life you are living?

 Are you living your life with intention?

 ~ The other day I sat down with a friend and we started attempting to wrap our heads around getting out of our own 'crazy cycles' and into a more intentional peace filled life. This apparently is going to take a lot of work and a lot of soul searching on my end. I don't find that I am personally disciplined. If I am doing something for or with someone else then great ~ I am so much more capable, but on my own I peter out pretty quickly! So we were sitting down to write out lists and goals and schedules and then were going to keep each other accountable. However when we sat down, and she pulled out some books and notes she had, and gave me them to write down I felt a bit at a loss. I wanted to be able to really think about my answers and make sure they were coming from good places in me. So we didn't get as much done that day as we hoped and I am still trying to come up with answers.

~ I am a stay at home mother. I have no income that I make personally. I homeschool my children out of what I believe is necessity because of things they have experienced in the school system, and also because of the needs that have become apparent over the years. As the years have gone by I have become less and less of a social person. I have found it easier to just stay at home and try to manage all that home is. I like to give and so often people that are drawn to me are ones that have needs. I have tended to give more than I actually have. I want to give all I have but have less and less to give. The friends I have now are friends I deeply treasure and that are willing to give of themselves as well. I appreciate that more than ever as I realize all the gifts a healthy friendship can give. All of this has been a sloooow learning process over the past twelve years (and more) of being an adult and parent. In my home though I usually feel some sort of anxiety. I have felt pretty worn out often. I am at a point of trying to make changes (again!) for myself and my family.

~ In starting out with the questions up above they were to lead to me being able to write lists and goals for myself and my family that led to more enjoyment, more intention, more peace. When you operate from a place of anxiety and just trying to survive for a short or long while.... this is a big change! I have had times in my life where I have been in much healthier places and have so appreciated it. When I sink back to the other side it is discouraging.

~ All of this to say ~ that if you are not doing well ~ not feeling like you are living your happiest best life right now~ I get it! It takes a lot of consistent work to get to a healthy place and then stay there. It takes boundaries and saying no, it takes delegation, goal writing, accountability, counselling sometimes (which I am starting again), grace, encouragement, and more. I feel like trying to do it alone is not necessarily the answer. I would suggest help from a friend, family member, mentor, counselor or whatever feels the best for you.

~ We don't have to stay stuck in unhealthy lifestyles and patterns. As hard as it is to get out; it is best that we do right?!

I hope you have a lovely week. I will be here ~ puzzling through these questions, helping children accomplish Math and Science, reading endless books to them, washing a lot of dirty dishes, looking out on the beautiful field through my front window, watching birds in my back yard, folding laundry again and again, making children shower and wash their feet, brush their teeth, cutting their nails, getting them glasses of water, driving to dance rehearsals, braiding hair, attending a dance recital twice, snuggling two children to sleep each night, listening to all sorts of interesting stories and facts from all ages of children thirteen to three and, ya know...just all the usual things!!!

Love Tansy

Roses

  There are Roses everywhere right now. They are glorious.
Today I drove around town pulling over at various spots to take pictures of them ~ trying not to trespass! Then I took the children to a garden shop to capture more. It was a really happy day :)'

I wish I knew their real names but since I don't I will just come up with some. Some of these smelled amazingly sweet and beautiful and some hardly smelled at all. When choosing Roses make sure you don't just choose them for their beauty but for their scent. xo


                                                 I'll call these two 'Peach Sublime'

                                                                   She is Naive

                                                         She is 'Sunshine Delight'

                                                                 She is 'Bliss'

                                                                   She is 'Harmony'

                                                       This is 'Lemon Cream'

                                                       This is 'Sweetheart'

                                                These are 'The English Sisters'

                                                               These are 'Adoration'

                                                      She is named 'Precious'

                                                    This is 'Grandmotherly'

                                               My son is naming this one 'Roxy'

                                                               This one is 'Laura'

                                                          This one is 'Sweetheart'

                                                           This one is 'Alexis Anne'

                                                   This one is 'June Beauty'

                                                    This one is 'Time For Tea'

                                                         This is the' Rachelle'

                                                            This one is 'Kiss'

                                                     She is named 'Pure Soul'

                                         These sweet Roses are named 'June Brides'

I hope you had a lovely day. It was fun to pull over, jump out of the vehicle with the children banging on the windows and calling to me, and trying to quickly capture these as the breeze kept them dancing.

Have a great sleep
Love Tansy

Musings, Relfections and Soul Care

  I came across the book 'Let Your Life Speak' by Parker J. Palmer a couple months ago and every chapter I read held comfort and peace. It felt like all the truths in it were so powerfully but gently imparted. I have been thinking about the new things I learned in it and have been wondering where this truth will take me and my family.

  My friend had asked me to attend a function with her called ~ Soul Spa A Day At The Table ~ a while back. She had to ask me numerous times because I don't love attending functions anymore. I feel awkward to say the least. However I decided attend and that happened yesterday. I brought my camera and wanted to share bits and pieces of what I learned and experienced there.

 The event was held at the Inn my husband had taken me to for an overnight in April. It is a beautiful place that you drive through the forest to get to. There is an immense house surrounded by forest and even though you are close to town you feel like you have escaped to somewhere with all sorts of hints of magic.

                       I went in and sat at a table waiting for my friend to arrive.

  The day started with some introductions and ice breakers. The sole reason for this day was for women to reconnect to themselves and to realize the beauty and value of their souls. I went there having just gone through a rather intense personal experience, and the birth of my nephew, and had felt quite anxious through the week and overwhelmed with the upcoming Summer and the change of our lives from homeschooling and all its' activities to almost nothing. We are a rather isolated family in many ways and the Summer felt a bit like a yawning chasm. I wondered if when I arrived at this function my body would react somehow as I felt like I was attending with a tired and weary soul and also a soul crying out for more.

  Anyway the lady who pioneered this day, and who has a mentoring program that she runs, http://www.atthetablementoring.com/, spoke about doing a soul assessment and offered guidance from the Bible in assessing just where each one's soul was at. She mentioned that in the grind of life our soul can become so fatigued it can become numb and life becomes a blur. We are not really living just existing. This causes our body much grief and it manifests in many ways. In the end we can become bitter, painful, unhappy people with souls that are wounded and hurt and almost dead. She mentioned that our soul has a voice and that we need to make time to listen to it. This was exactly what the book, 'Let Your Life Speak' by Parker J Palmer had been saying!

  After this first session we attended different care sessions. My first one was Body Care. There was the option of stretching outside in a shady spot to beautiful music, or to go on a prayer walk in a flower garden, or to soak your feet in warm water, or to sit on the grass and look at beautiful cook books...whatever seemed right for your body at that moment. I chose to stretch. Just moments into the stretching I felt an upwelling of tears and I wished to say sorry over and over. At that  moment in time I didn't know why or to whom. Now I think maybe it was myself. So I stretched and felt all the pain all over my body I hadn't realized was there. I hurt almost everywhere! This whole stretching experience was new to me. I really really loved it. There were many thoughtful details throughout this day. In front of our mats were tiny jars with a flower in each one.

                                                This was my view as I lay looking up.

After stretching I just lay down with my hands buried in the grass listening to birds and trying to quiet my soul.

                                              The next session was called Soul Care:

  We sat outside in a circle on blankets and pillows and were taught that every time we experience an emotion our body experiences a physiological sensation and our body carries that emotion and experience somewhere inside it. Often we don't realize this and our body cannot release the emotion and it is stuck. If we only process in our minds and don't recognize our body is connected as well...we don't release our pain. We then went through a relaxation sequence to try to connect with our body somewhat and then we also smelt three essential oils and tried to answer some questions surrounding our reaction to the smell. What an experience to take time to try to connect and listen to my body! After this experience was done I ended up talking to the woman who facilitated it. She is a counsellor who experience chronic trauma for twenty years. The way she talked about our bodies and how trauma affects us made so much sense to me. I have been learning about attachment, anxiety, trauma, and more ever since I became a mother but have not met someone in person who had all the theories that I have put together from different counselors, books, courses etc...It was so amazing.

  After this talk we had lunch and then attended another session where the facilitator talked about shame and not feeling worthy. Shame is something I have been so affected by almost all my life in one form or another. Sometimes though there have not been the words to articulate that that is what it was. Just in the past week I had been examining some whats and whys in my life and had realized how much shame has affected me especially as a mother. So to have her talk about that really brought the desire to be free from this shame and to listen to the tender voice of my heavenly Father and press into His truth for me.

  After this talk I had my last two care sessions. One was Spirit Care and one was Creative Care. For Spirit Care we walked into a room where you could choose to put on a pair of cozy slippers and then choose from all sorts of options. I chose to have reflexology and do a meditation. However you could get a neck massage, do face masks, read or nap.

  My meditation was for night time if one is struggling with sleep and focussed on connecting with Jesus and asking Him specific questions about his thoughts towards me. It was really beautiful. Also I had never had reflexology before and had been wishing for a foot massage for years. It was all to brief but incredibly lovely.

  My last session was Creative Care where we filled a jar with layers to remind us of the different types of soil our soul could have...and planted a succulent on top. We then had time to creatively journal in a journal that they provided us with and also to create a piece of art.

  We then had one more session of teaching from the facilitator and were introduced to what the mentoring program is and then had dessert and the day was finished.

  I went home to chaos and many mosquitos filling my house for the first time this year. It was a good pictures of what my life has been like for a long time and gave me a lot to think about. I have rested a lot today as my body is still in pain and have cleaned up little bits here and there. There is still a lot to be done to get the school year finished and the next one begun. However I am thankful that once again the Holy Spirit provided a way for me to learn more and open up my hear to more truth as He does so faithfully when asked.

  And so ~ if after reading this you know that your soul has been silenced by your own self for a long time, or by others, and you know that it needs awakening and refreshing ~ I encourage you to utilize some of these ideas presented here and to seek quiet and connection with Jesus who loves your soul the best. I also encourage you to ask someone to be praying for you. You are worthy of beauty and love and peace and all that a connected fulfilled soul can bring.

xo
Tansy