Roof Leaks

   I don't know if you have heard the expression, 'when it rains it pours?' Well sometimes that seems to happen over here in my corner of the world. We have a new baby coming into our house any day now. At least it feels like it should be any day but I guess the real truth is that I could potentially have to wait until March 14 to be induced if I go over my due date as here they allow you two weeks over due. I can't imagine having to do that but if I must I must. Anyway! A new baby is coming and I have been trying to prepare for that. We don't have the space to give the baby its' own room so the baby will be in the master bedroom and there are little spaces created through the house for nursing and changing diapers etc. Having a baby in the house involves a lot of preparation and planning! So through out this, life doesn't just slow down or stop. There is still all the appointments to get to, the activities to drive to, the cooking, grocery shopping, laundry and cleaning to do and that seems like it all should be enough. Well let me tell you...it isn't.

   About a month ago I was sitting in my dining room and suddenly I could hear that there was something alive in my floor. It was rolling nuts along, or something that sounded like nuts, and it was not doing so quietly. It sounded like it was right beside me. There is no access to under my floor and I did not know how whatever rodent it was was getting in. It was not the best feeling. Night after night I could hear the animals storing up food for the winter in my floor. We have people renting in a suite in our basement and they have two cats, we have one cat upstairs in ours, so this house has a total of three cats in it. You'd think that might possibly exempt us from a rodent invasion. Apparently not! A week or so after I heard the scurrying in the floor I saw a mouse or rat in my living room in the middle of the day. It ran quickly, but it was there. I knew they were also in my kitchen as my cat was showing all the signs that there were visitors of the worst sort (in my mind). I have this phobia of mice and rats...That meant putting all the food in cupboards in a large tote that now sits on my floor, trying to keep all food off the floors and counters and begging my husband to call an exterminator. He did call one and the person that came proved to be completely helpless. I was left with about six traps in my living room and that was it. It did not help. My husband eventually put out poison in every safe spot he could in our kitchen, living room, dining room, and traps everywhere and we caught one mouse. Just one. Lately the inside of our house has seemed quieter and our cat has been less on the prowl. However the other night my daughter was coming home from a dance class around nine in the evening and the door was locked. She started screaming and I am heavily pregnant so getting to the door took me a hot minute. It turned out there was a mouse on the front porch with her. When I let her in and shut the door I realized it was no mouse but a large black rat. It boldly came to the glass floor length windows beside my front door and put its' nose to the glass seeming to actually asking to be let in from the cold. It had no fear!! My husband tried to go outside and catch it but it was fast. It, however, did not leave the vicinity of the front of our house and spent the evening running around our porch, driveway, and gardens. So the rodent issue is ongoing it seems. We shall see what becomes of it.

  There is also the issue of our roof. We bought a forty year old house with a forty year old roof. This past Autumn we payed a pretty penny to get the roof redone as it had been leaking in our bathroom for over a year. It was not easy to get the roof done as there just was not an availability of roofers in our area. We waited for months to find someone.  When they did come they did a wonderful job. We have a complicated roof with multiple skylights and fans and all sorts of things. However the other day we had some snow fall. This was the first snow fall of the year. I felt relief that our roof was re done and I didn't have to worry about the roof leaking all over the house in random places like it had last winter when the snow fell. Well! I was wrong. My daughter came to tell me the roof was leaking and it was no subtle leak. Water was aggressively entering my house through one of my skylights and the leak was spreading. I put out buckets and tried to not get too panicked but I did not take it well. My husband, bless his soul, risked his life to go out on the roof and assess the situation and somehow managed to temporarily slow the leak so it was not pouring in. However this weekend he will be up on the room trying to once again, fix a leak. I am sort of sick of trying to fix leaks.

   So these are two small stories and honestly they are not big deals at all really! It is just that sometimes when there are a lot of small things that are annoying or troublesome or overwhelming every little thing becomes big.

  The reality is....I have a cat who kept the rodents from going onto my counters and my cupboards. They stayed under the fridge stove or in my fire place.They did not enter bedrooms and that felt less invasive than it could have. The roof is not leaking in the bathroom anymore and we tried so many ways to fix that leak...at least IT is fixed :) We had a couple snow days that were magical. We have a slough near our home that also froze thickly which does not often happen. There were hours spent sliding, sledding and laughing in brisk cold air. This is so good for every part of the body. Happy memories were made. One of the best things as well is that every day I feel the baby moving inside of me. As it grows bigger and I feel little limbs poking out every day I am so thankful he or she is still alive. SO taking those things and trying to at least let them hover at least in the outskirts of my mind helps me stay a bit more sane than maybe I would be.

Thoughts After Counselling Today

   Each week since July my children and I have gone to counselling together. It has been a really lovely experience for us all. My four year old started out just loving playing with all the toys they had available but now he has decided he would like his own sessions. In a two hour period we all have at least a little session. Sometimes we have a session altogether but often we have separate sessions.It has been eye opening for my children's hearts and has garnered much more self awareness. It has opened wounds and helped them heal. We are so thankful to have had this opportunity.

  Lately in my sessions I have not been able to take much in as I have been so tired and my mind so hazy. I am just proud of myself for getting all four children there and keeping them happy while they all wait their turns. Having my own session is always a blessing but I always am wanting truth to sink in deeply, and in my current extremely pregnant state, and being out of it because of my iron deficiency issues, I often leave feeling like there was so much more I could have absorbed but it just floated around my head!

  Today though I was doing much better. That was amazing. So I wanted to capture here what I learned so that I can come back to it at another time and re soak it in.

  Something I have realized about myself is that negative emotions are extremely overwhelming for me. It can be my own or someone else's, but at any time those big negative emotions just flood me. I have ways I cope with them as everyone does...but those ways of coping are really me trying to stop the emotions.

  So today..the focus was...was that those negative emotions, in me, my husband, my children...are good emotions. Why are they good? Because they are the way your body has to tell you that something needs to change. They often protect you and are fighting for you. So instead of trying to immediately process them and then shove them away, or just shove them away, or shut them down, how can I see what they truly are representing and saying and help myself in the ways I need to? Also how do I see them in my children, help them name them, but then not try to make them calm down immediately or make them go away?

  This feels almost impossible for me to do as these emotions are automatically huge for me and automatically very overwhelming. By big negative emotions I mean anxiety, anger etc. I just want them gone. So in me doing this (wanting them gone) a cycle is created that actually makes these emotions bigger and worse and always there. If instead of shutting them down I could let myself or my children really feel them, own them, and take time to feel in my body where they are, why, and then sit with it all for a while...it could be very freeing and very powerful.

  We shall see how this goes. I have been stuck for a very  long time just trying to keep drama away and trying to maintain a peace and calm..haha...aka control..that is never really there. There is always an undercurrent and it is hard.

  We have big changes in our family coming...and in reality there are always big changes coming. Life is full of changes. Some people and families love change. I am not one of those individuals. Change is just another reason for me to feel overwhelmed. I want to do well, manage well, protect those around me, help others feel safe etc...and yet is that really my job? I have taken it on...but your emotions are simply that...yours.

  I hope this is something I can hold close and I can start to move past the step I have been stuck in that has created such a cycle that has been with me for life. I hope I can let the emotions do their work. I hope I can ask myself the questions, but be gentle and honest. I hope I can create space for myself to do that even if others wont. I hope that I can also create that space for my children.

 May your weekend be lovely
It is cold here and supposed to snow. We have had no real snow this winter at all!!! So I don't really believe it will snow. If it does I will have some VERY excited children.

 Blessings to you,

Love Tansy

A Precious Miracle Arriving Soon

 Being pregnant is a gift that I learned from the beginning not to take lightly. I got pregnant almost a year after I got married and this pregnancy ended in a miscarriage of drastic proportions. I actually ended up with cancer in my uterus and the news that after all the chemotherapy I may not be able to get pregnant again.

  Thankfully I was able to get pregnant again after a series of cleanses. Each pregnancy has been a promise for me. Each pregnancy has been filled with a lot of anxiety, so many unknowns, and at times a lot of fear.

  I am pregnant again after two losses and I am thirty six years old. This is my fourth biological living child but my seventh pregnancy.  I am going to have this baby in the next few weeks. The pregnancy has been challenging physically and I have had to really push through, but also just suffer some days with a lot of intensity. Every single morning I have woken up asking the child in my womb if he or she was still alive, still safe. Every morning he/she has assured me with little movements that he/she is indeed safe and alive. It has not been easy.

  Each pregnancy, a dear friend, who has documented the lives of my husband and I since we started dating, has taken pictures for me that have captured the essence of me during the pregnancy. This time around she had just had a new baby and I had no inspiration to have pictures taken I was so weak from lack of iron. Just getting out of bed takes so much from me. I hoped for some sort of miracle, some sort of ordained moment, where I would feel the strength to get out of bed, and prepare myself for some pictures and that somehow there would be someone who could take them in that moment.

 That day happened! The sun shone, I felt the strength, I had a location in my head, my sister who lives with me had clothes I could wear, I managed to curl my hair while sitting and breathing through the weakness, and my husband took the pictures. It was a moment of togetherness for us. We don't get to spend a lot of time outside of the house just the two of us and we have certainly not done a photo shoot like this ever before. It was actually fun. I had not been out of my house for days. I had to do some climbing and some balancing and I felt like such a conqueror for being able to accomplish this in my weakened state.

I had hoped for a sun dappled forest, a creek that made the babbling sound I so love, for ferns and moss in their brilliant hues and that is what I got!

  I also feel my husband captured the essence of my soul and I was so thankful. Every picture I had seen of myself  in the last long time looked so tired and old and worn. These pictures are totally different in my minds eye.

Here they are ~ I am about thirty five weeks pregnant here.

                                      Thanks to my sister for capturing these last few :)