Motherhood

  If I was to be completely honest with you ~ you who kindly reads my heart's musings ~ I would like to have more babies. I am almost forty years of age. I know that time is running out to some degree for that stage of life. I think in this day and age many, maybe even most, would not understand. The common question is...so are you done? (they mean having babies). I am always grateful for others when they feel done and take measures to be done as I imagine the peace of mind they must feel. I have never felt that peace of mind.

  For each baby that has come to our family I have felt a sort of calling from beyond. This may sound crazy. It does sound crazy. However for me it is the truth. I felt like there was a baby calling me and I knew who they were in this hazy sort of way and I did my best to make way for them to come.

  Come they did ~ to our family. A family that has learned a lot about love, a lot about attachment, a lot about trauma and what it does to one, and a lot about anxiety and hurt and all the things. It is not the easiest family to be in. There are a lot of days where it feels like the going is more like slogging. I muddle through trying to find our way, my way, the way! They are all with me, every day, through this.

 I have five precious miracles that have come to me earthside, and three more that only blessed me with their presence so briefly, that have made me a mother. I have sacrificed all that I could for them. My last pregnancy was so hard for me to get through. I was passing out in public places, I was fighting for good health care, I was so so sick. I don't think I can go through that again.  

However I want to for the life time of love in the end. I wish to. I would if I felt like I could live through it.

These children in all their messy glory are just that ~ glorious.

They are so precious and such gifts. If I could have six or seven or eight children I would.

When I write that it just sounds crazy but it is how I feel.

  I am supposed to be showering right now (it is 2:05 but that is just how the day has gone). My nine year old has the baby outside for the wild fall air and my fifteen year old is helping my six year old fly a kite. I just wanted to write this part of my heart out. I write in tears. It means so much to me ~ this gift of motherhood. 

Thanks for reading

Tansy

Saying Goodbye To Some of Our Precious Community

  This blog has seen me write about community and my longing for it. I have realized no matter where I live community can be created. It does not have to look a certain way. We live in a house that has been full to bursting for a few years now. We have had our family of seven, plus my sister and our two cats, in our part of the house. In the other part of the house (a basement suite) we have had our friends and their three cats. When they moved in we had never met them before they applied to rent our suite. As time went on they had a baby close in age to our baby and we started to connect. They are amazing people, full of kindness, and their souls are beautiful. Our house is not huge but we all have been happy and we have lived in community in many ways. That made for eleven people in this house and five cats. My sister just moved out in September and now our friends are moving out as well. Our community is changing.  My sister moved onto something incredible for her and our friends are doing the same. We wish them every sort of good in the world! 

May you go forth in peace and love

May each day hold such promise and joy

May you be filled with boldness and vision 

We will miss you so much!

They asked me to take some pictures of their family to capture some memories of their time here. This is the magic of photography ~ you can freeze time ~ to remember back in different days to moments of sweetness and preciousness. As you can see I am no professional photographer so the pictures don't have that crystal clarity or perfect lines but you can see my heart in it....and you can see their families' beauty and joy.

Here they are ~

Pearl xo

  I remember the day my mom told me she was pregnant with her. We were driving in the car and were on the way to a doctor's appointment for my mom. It was just my mom and I. The three little siblings were at home. I was so excited to hear the news. Fast forward to the night my littlest sister was born in our kitchen (this was not planned). I was woken up in time to catch a glimpse of her as she and my mom were wheeled out of the house on a stretcher into a freezing cold November night. I remember her jet black head of hair and how tiny she was. We were ten years apart. She was the flower girl in my wedding and as time went on she moved in with my husband and I. She has lived with us off and on for about fourteen years. My children have had their aunty as a central part of their lives. She moved out a few weeks ago and it's been different. We all miss her. We hope she is doing well (she has moved out of the country) and that life is kind and beautiful and that her soul is opened up wide. We hope she is happy and feels full of nurture and goodness. 

You are loved sister dear ~

Reflection On Divorce and Marriage

 Divorce has been on my mind lately for numerous reasons. The word is haunting in all that it means. When a couple gets a divorce it signifies so many deep and wounding reasons and it signals broken hearts too. The trauma that is caused by divorce also is important to take note of. Sometimes when someone tells me they are getting divorce you can see a relief in their eyes. They are finally going to be 'free' (well, this is the hope). Then there are the times I am told and the eyes reflect deep rejection and darkness and hopelessness. 

 I can't help but think with all the divorce out there that deciding to get married is extremely significant and also extremely risky. Yet in making this breathless beautiful choice how can you imagine what twists and turns your life will take, and how much you and your partner are going to change? No matter what happens in life everyone needs to grow up and mature. Every single person also needs healing whether they admit it or not. There are no perfect people out there. Then there is the obvious facts that many people marry their extreme opposites AND they marry people that often will mirror to them the wounds and messages a person believes about themselves. This is such a hard one to live through. You get married feeling so in love with a person and deep down you might even believe they might heal some wounds and fill your soul. Then they don't. What person really can? It takes you to fill your own soul, and it takes your Creator, and it takes friends and family and yes also your partner. However often we have this co dependent expectation and when it is not fulfilled we turn anger ugly or haggard bitter or cavernous victim and fall into cycles that are by no means healthy. Instead of building bridges towards this person we have vowed to love for all time; we burn them every chance we get. How does this happen?

 Oh how did we fall so far away from the hopeful shiny eyed couple that we started out as? 

What is your greatest lament about your marriage?

Did you marry someone that just cannot for the life of them communicate or understand how you communicate?

Did you marry someone who is so emotionally damaged they have no capacity for attachment?

Did you marry someone so traumatized by their past they don't know who they are or how to find themselves?

Did you marry someone who has addictions you were unaware of or mental health struggles?

Did you marry someone who is abusing you in some way?

Often we are focused on the other person that is causing us so much pain in the relationship.

This is what gets me every time. I chose my husband! No one forced me into it. I also chose his extended family! Did I have the slightest clue what I was in for? NO! Did I promise to be there for him and with him and by him no matter what happened? YES! Was I crazy to do that? Sort of? YES! At the same time has this commitment, these vows, this choice totally changed my life? Yes? Has it been extremely hard? Um, absolutely. For me however it has been good. For some this is not the case. 

  Yesterday was our seventeen year wedding anniversary. When I look at my daughter who is almost sixteen I realize how YOUNG seventeen is. How so SO young five years and ten years married is. We have a life time! The hardships and pain you are going through now may feel very different ten years down the road.

  I encourage you to step back from a marriage filled with angst and strife or that feels dead and look at yourself. Look at your family of origin, look at the choices you are making. Find a counselor who understands you and speaks to your soul. Start to work on your own self. Know you are valuable and beautiful and brave and strong. Know that you are not lost. Maybe in doing this your relationship will improve, maybe it will not. However, divorced or together, working on your own self is key and is valuable.

My husband and I have managed to stay together so far. Right now we are doing quite well. There is much joy in being able to say that. There are many out there who have not been so fortunate. There is much to grieve in that. 

Oh Father God, may you see our hearts, hear our cries, heal us from pain, and show us our preciousness. May you bind up our wounds and lead us forward to water and nourish and strength.

Amen

  

The Beauty of Being Fed

  There are moments when I feel so hungry. I have never experienced starvation or close to it but there are times where I am too tired to eat or have fasted for a time and my body has felt a type of lack it does not handle well. I am so thankful that I have never been on the brink of physical starvation ever but during the times my body thinks it is... everything in my body screams at me to give it something to keep going with. I get dizzy and weak and quickly become incapable of much other than surviving.

  I grew up in a house where there was a prevalent eating disorder for me to observe. This spiritual emotional and physical affliction was devastating. The hunger that it created was firstly emotional and but then also deeply spiritual and horribly physical. The hunger was cavernous. 

 When you are hungry something deep within you cries out for nourishment. Your body WANTS to survive and wishes to thrive. It begs you in the only ways it can to be taken care of! When you grow up seeing someone you love constantly deprive themselves of everything they need you grow up feeling this deep confusion and ache. You don't understand that maybe it was not your fault. 

 You also grow up not knowing what you yourself might need to really thrive and do well. You can ask yourself the questions, wrestle for clarity, and then when the fog clears and you know what you need you may find it just isn't available in the way you need it most in that moment. It becomes a cycle that is hard to break. Those you draw around you may be in the same cycle. When those moments of confusion lift and you know how to ask what you need...they just might not be capable of giving it. 

  What do you do? You finally know what you need. What do you need most? To be fed. How do you need to be fed? It is the soul that needs to be fed and you need honoring caring accepting love. Every part of you needs to know that they are loved just as they are. That you are enough, that you are lovely, brave, strong, and kind. You need to know you are worthy of connection. Your voice needs to be heard. Something deep within is always looking out for that message to be given and in some situations you realize its just not being given enough, or given well, or given at all!

  With this being said I wanted to say there are such clear moments in my life where remember I was fed. In some situations I would be invited over to someone's home for dinner. The food would be so delicious and I would eat so much I would feel stuffed. When I would leave later to go home I would realize though that not just my body was full. In the conversations, laughter and connection that was offered, my spiritual and emotional body that were also so hungry, would be full. Since this didn't feel like a regular or normal occurrence it would be so impacting and I would feel grateful and also a longing.

  I wished to be able to live a life of fullness.

  So many of us walk around hungry. 

  The rules layed out during this time in history by all sorts of governing bodies have really highlighted that hunger. We are hungry for connection and that is why so many of us spend so many hours glued to social media and sending texts. We are hungry for kind touch and for beauty, for kindness, validation, joy, empathy, and for all the things our spirits and souls ask us to find. 

 I want to say to anyone who has ever shown me a kindness, who has fed my soul... to all the mothers in my growing up years who took me in and loved me, to my parents and extended family who did so so much, to my friends who have been so life changing, to teachers, aunties, counselor, bosses, to strangers...sometimes it was just a look, sometimes it was a compliment, sometimes it was a meal, sometimes it was your time and genuine conversation, sometimes it was an act of service, sometimes it was a gift...thank you for seeing my value and offering me a part or yourself, of your kindness. 

 We all are who we are today as a result of many different acts of kindness and giving of one soul to another. Then also we all are who we are because of a lack as well. When you feel able ~ feed another soul. Give them nourish. It is so vital to the human race to connect and to be fed. When you are able~ also realize what you need and reach out to someone and clearly kindly request for your soul to be fed. With persistence and learning you will find the right source(s). It can take time. 

 And today I pray that where you are feeling hungry you may be filled.

xo