Divorce has been on my mind lately for numerous reasons. The word is haunting in all that it means. When a couple gets a divorce it signifies so many deep and wounding reasons and it signals broken hearts too. The trauma that is caused by divorce also is important to take note of. Sometimes when someone tells me they are getting divorce you can see a relief in their eyes. They are finally going to be 'free' (well, this is the hope). Then there are the times I am told and the eyes reflect deep rejection and darkness and hopelessness.
I can't help but think with all the divorce out there that deciding to get married is extremely significant and also extremely risky. Yet in making this breathless beautiful choice how can you imagine what twists and turns your life will take, and how much you and your partner are going to change? No matter what happens in life everyone needs to grow up and mature. Every single person also needs healing whether they admit it or not. There are no perfect people out there. Then there is the obvious facts that many people marry their extreme opposites AND they marry people that often will mirror to them the wounds and messages a person believes about themselves. This is such a hard one to live through. You get married feeling so in love with a person and deep down you might even believe they might heal some wounds and fill your soul. Then they don't. What person really can? It takes you to fill your own soul, and it takes your Creator, and it takes friends and family and yes also your partner. However often we have this co dependent expectation and when it is not fulfilled we turn anger ugly or haggard bitter or cavernous victim and fall into cycles that are by no means healthy. Instead of building bridges towards this person we have vowed to love for all time; we burn them every chance we get. How does this happen?
Oh how did we fall so far away from the hopeful shiny eyed couple that we started out as?
What is your greatest lament about your marriage?
Did you marry someone that just cannot for the life of them communicate or understand how you communicate?
Did you marry someone who is so emotionally damaged they have no capacity for attachment?
Did you marry someone so traumatized by their past they don't know who they are or how to find themselves?
Did you marry someone who has addictions you were unaware of or mental health struggles?
Did you marry someone who is abusing you in some way?
Often we are focused on the other person that is causing us so much pain in the relationship.
This is what gets me every time. I chose my husband! No one forced me into it. I also chose his extended family! Did I have the slightest clue what I was in for? NO! Did I promise to be there for him and with him and by him no matter what happened? YES! Was I crazy to do that? Sort of? YES! At the same time has this commitment, these vows, this choice totally changed my life? Yes? Has it been extremely hard? Um, absolutely. For me however it has been good. For some this is not the case.
Yesterday was our seventeen year wedding anniversary. When I look at my daughter who is almost sixteen I realize how YOUNG seventeen is. How so SO young five years and ten years married is. We have a life time! The hardships and pain you are going through now may feel very different ten years down the road.
I encourage you to step back from a marriage filled with angst and strife or that feels dead and look at yourself. Look at your family of origin, look at the choices you are making. Find a counselor who understands you and speaks to your soul. Start to work on your own self. Know you are valuable and beautiful and brave and strong. Know that you are not lost. Maybe in doing this your relationship will improve, maybe it will not. However, divorced or together, working on your own self is key and is valuable.
My husband and I have managed to stay together so far. Right now we are doing quite well. There is much joy in being able to say that. There are many out there who have not been so fortunate. There is much to grieve in that.
Oh Father God, may you see our hearts, hear our cries, heal us from pain, and show us our preciousness. May you bind up our wounds and lead us forward to water and nourish and strength.
Amen
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