Some weeks are harder than others ~ and then some weeks are devastating. I suppose everyone holds their devastation differently in their body. I am realizing as I 'age' that the way my body is managing devastating times is by forcing rest. I just have to rest in bed for a time. I feel numb inside and yet in so much pain. It is such a horrible feeling and I just cannot function.
The last few weeks I had someone pass away in my life that I really loved. They were so young, so precious, and their leaving just feels so wrong. I don't have all sorts of words around it but I have been trying to grapple with the reality.
Loss is so final. There is no going back. There are memories and pictures and stories and hope for Heaven but often that does not feel enough. So you wail alone or with other's who mourn, you feel angry you feel bereft, you feel abandoned you feel exhausted and in the end you just keep putting one foot in front of the other knowing that you must. Life does not stop.
October marches on and 2020 is nearing its end. The leaves are in their glory and the chill and cold has come with a vengeance and I keep going through all this ~ the day in and day out tension of grief and gladness, bewilderment and hope, anger and peace ~ and keep breathing through it all.
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