Why You Love the Things You Love

   Someone made a comment to me today about how they appreciated something because of my influence. This just flooded my mind with things that I appreciate and adore because of the influence of others! Craft fairs...I went to them with my granny and we appreciated hand knit slippers and socks, butter tarts, little Christmas tree decorations, and the ladies who made everything were over sixty. There was just something that thrilled my soul when I was there and as an adult I have gone to every craft fair I could. Any craft fair with elderly ladies selling the same wares I found as a child are my absolute favorite.

There is the love of classical music and war era music and fiddling music from my mother and her parents. I love the sound of records being played because of my grandparents' home.

I love a cup of hot chocolate or tea because of my grandmother and mother.

I love beeswax candles because of my friend Laura. 

I love moccasin slippers because of my mother.

I love wool (Indian) sweaters because of my grandfather.

I love cookies because of my mom and dad

I love Dairy Queen dipped cones because of my dad

I love pottery because of my friend Emily

I love hand-woven baskets because of multiple people's influence

I love museums because of my grandparents and mother

I love animals because of my parents

I love sourdough bread because of my sister Laura

I love knitted gnome hats for children because of my friend Laura

I loved dried flower arrangement from a neighbour from childhood Mrs. Kind

I love bike rides because of my dad

I love different ethnic food, fine chocolates and the big city because of Jordana

I love the Ocean because of multiple people

I love Hornby Island because of a neighbor growing up named Sarah

I love flower gardens because of my grandma and homemade apple sauce and raspberry jam

I love scones because of my mom and grandma

I love thrifting and appreciate treasures from thrifting because of Bethany and Laura

I love apple cinnamon cheerios because of my granny

I love butter tarts because of my dad

I love vintage things because of both sets of grandparents

I love China tea cups and saucers because of my great grandfather 

I love antiques because of my grandparents and mother

I love History because my grade twelve History teacher Mr Mannes

I started and love journaling because my uncle encouraged me to

I started and love taking pictures because my mom bought me a camera and developed the photos I took and because my friend Emily was so inspiring 

I love piano because of my mother and her patience in helping me practice

I love worship because of my school I attended in Highschool

I love beautiful things made of wood because of my husband

I love tiny treasures because of my mother

So many parts of who you are ~ the things you love ~ are because of the influence of someone else. It is a beautiful thing

xo

November Joy

 It is craft fair season :)

My favorite part about November!

This year has been especially poignant as covid caused some complications in this area the last few years and this year things feel almost normal. 

I have attended four craft fairs this month! My children have come to all of them with me and at one of them all five of my children were there! It was so special. At the first craft fair I went to I found the one tiny ceramic vase among all multiple hundred vendors and brought it home with me. At the second craft fair I found the most beautiful glass creation that I have been looking for for a long time. I was so overjoyed. At the next craft fair, I found bees wax candles galore and the kindness of strangers to warm my heart for a long time. One vendor worked feverishly to finish a tiny dog that my little one wanted but was not quite finished. Another vendor gave my son an incredible deal on a custom knife and also trusted him to take the knife home and pay him later! There was such deep kindness from strangers. I found so many treasures I wished to take home. The last craft fair was a totally unique experience. My son got to make a wooden sword with his aunty and we experienced a 'cookie forest' and saw the most incredible and beautiful hand made Waldorf creations. At each craft fair, there were other moments as well. Like my little one crying very loudly over something she could not have, or my stroller wheel not working, or my son having a panic attack (both sons having panic attacks actually), or being wet and cold, and also just realizing that with my new 'celiac disease status' that many baked goodies are now not the best choice for my body (this realization hit especially hard at a craft fair for some reason).

It's life you know ~ there is this incredible beauty, creativity, wonder and joy mixed in with pain and heartache and sickness and panic. Holding it all, juggling it, seeing it, and just going with it is both delightful and the hardest.

I am grateful for this month. There have been some big highs and joys and some deep lows and heartache. I'm here for it. 

xo

Open Up Your Blinds

 I can see

What I couldn't before

I understand

Wounds sometimes never heal

And that scars

They are in the mind

Beyond any skin

And behind the grey though

There is always blue up there

Trees faithfully

Holding arms up in supplication

Every morning

I open the blinds

So I can see

And I wish it was a different story

For you

I wish that I could hold you

The most gently

And you'd feel safe

But 

I never could

There is always blue up there

Behind the grey

And warmth

To envelop you

Don't fade

Don't go

I remember you

I've always seen you and your soul

Open up your blinds

You've been so cold

Let the warmth envelop you

If Only

 If only, 

If only I could truly love people enough (that's just not how it works sweetheart)

If only anxiety died for good 

If only my heart didn't hurt

If only I was more understood

If only I had more patience

If only I felt closer to him

If only I could touch the hem of His garment

If only healing would come

If only I had more self control

If only I had a 'tribe' that lived around me

If only I had a culture that felt nourishing and nurturing

If only I was thriving

If only I could bathe in the ocean

If only you understood

If only I could sleep

If only I didn't feel so alone

If only crying wasn't so hard

If only I knew how to help

If only you heard my heart

If only it was not quite so devastating

If only you were kinder

If only it all felt safer

If only I was stronger

If only I could laugh more

If only I could dance

If only we were all together

If only I did my hair

If only my eyes sparkled more

If only I sewed a dress

If only I took more time

If only I hugged you closer

If only I knew when it was the last time

Being Honest

  I have an appointment coming up. It is a gynecology appointment. I have put it off for a long time. These kinds of appointments are very triggering for me. I have had so many traumatic experiences in this area of my life and as the appointment approaches the dread has been building. So much so that I decided to try to address it in counselling this week (I talk to a counsellor every two weeks and have done so for four years now). The first time I got my period as a young girl I almost died. It was a very awful, scary experience. I was sick for days, we were snowed in, I ended up being admitted to the hospital and had to stay there alone and part of my stay involved a gynecology type appointment with a very angry man who must have been very stressed. It was traumatizing. The first time I got pregnant as a twenty-two year old I ended up with cancer after miscarrying. The amount of gynecologist type appointments I had and with multiple men who were not kind in the slightest were many. It was horrific. Fast forward to the time I had my first baby where I tore horribly during labor and the man who stitched me up did such an awful job that an hour after I gave birth to my second baby I had to have emergency surgery to 'fix' the damage (thanks the good Lord the man who did the surgery was kind, caring, and empathetic). I have had many gynecology type appointments since then. Women just do. Many of them have been filled with trauma. So this is why I put them off when I really shouldn't. 

  Today in counselling fear ended up being the topic that we talked about. As a child fear is not something we can process well alone ( if at all). We need a loving, caring, empathetic adult to help us through emotional experiences. If, as a child, you had to attempt to work through fear quite consistently alone there might not be tools in place to actually process fear through your body. You might live in survival mode and not actually KNOW the feeling of letting go of pain because it has been worked through. Therefore, it is just stuck there and compounded and compounded through years and years of experiences. 

Children need their pain to be held by someone else for them. They cannot hold it alone. They need to be supported and loved through their emotional experiences. They need to learn the feeling of resilience.

Pain can be processed

Fear can be processed

What would it be like for me (or you) to know that I (and you) can get through pain and go towards healing. That we can lean INTO fear and address what it is needing to say. 

That was what I talked about today. After the conversation was over I tried to lean in towards this specific fear. Just to sit with it, face it, grieve it too.

It was really hard.

We can't run away from death, cancer, pain, anxiety, failure, and gynecology appointments 

And so 

That is another journey to embark on.