Celebrations

 To be honest the weight of celebrations weigh heavy on me. I wish they didn't the way that they do. It comes from longing in me to see the person celebrated feeling so deeply loved and fulfilled ~ yet I can't make that happen in them :)

Also I know that celebrations can bring people together and help them feel connected ~ another longing in me. Yet when it is my job to create a celebration and bring it together I want to feel peace and like there is no big burden I am placing on myself. 

This celebration was really special. I felt peace about it. I also felt like I could surrender what needed to be surrendered and there was much joy for me in that. I hope there was joy for the friend being celebrated as well :)

Creativity

 We were created to create :)

It brings us life and helps bring us to our true selves. I don't often craft or do creative things with my hands but when I am given the opportunity it is such a gift! These are photos of a night created by a dear friend to make wreaths for the Christmas Season.

It was a wonderful night. I felt so blessed to be there.

Family

 You don't get to choose the family you are born into. You don't get to choose your genetics or how your parents raise you. You don't have a choice about the things you go through and how you experience them until one day things change. 

This magical day is the day you start to emotionally mature and the day you realize that you do indeed have a choice. You start to open your eyes to the world as an adult instead of a child. 

Your family is always going to be your family, and for many what a gift their family has been to them and continues to be. For others, their family has caused them so much hurt and damage it will take a life time of choosing a different path to heal. 

As I go forward into this new year my family of origin and the family I have created is on my mind.

I have six children. Six. This is a miracle if you know my life story. 

 My children are such gifts. They are now what makes up my husband's and I's family. These children are so unique, so intricate, so deeply beautiful and special. I fail them daily. It kills me. I feel sick. I just want to see them, wings spread, soaring above the filth and depravity this world tries to shroud them with, I want to see them so confident, feeling capable, with so many tools to live life well. Yet I am in such a battle to just get myself out of the mire of trauma and the lack I experienced growing up, that I can't give them all I hoped to. I realize this more and more as time goes on.

 I can't heal quickly enough. 

Our life is a constant journey. 

There is no arrival at perfection.

I hope and pray that when their eyes are open to the world as adults, and they look back on all my mistakes, that there is still hope for the future of our family. It is my heart's largest cry. It is my heart-felt prayer. 

As I go into 2024 it will be my continued focus and hope ~ to attempt to build our family unit and to attempt to continue my own healing journey. 

As you go into 2024 and have chances to explore emotional maturity, your family unit, and your gift of being here

I hope that you feel hope

I hope that you feel joy

I hope that you can choose a path full of beauty and light ~ it will always be worth it and it might never be easy.

xo

New Years Eve 2023

  Can you believe a year has gone by? On Christmas day last year I found I was expecting another baby, and this year I had an almost four month old baby by my side. It felt like I had just taken the test, and yet so much of the year had already faded from memory in a sense. 

That's just it ~ the things you are experiencing right now, at this moment, will fade, they won't always feel like they do now. This can be a comfort or a sting. 

In my life right now I am in new baby land. For me, this is fraught with deep exhaustion and an output of myself that leaves me feeling hollow, like a shadow. Add that to what I already give to the rest of my children and the way the world's issues occupy my mind and I wonder how I can keep going on like this. 

I walk into 2024 feeling empty. I also walk into 2024 feeling determined.

And so much of my life has felt that way because of my actions, my perspective, my motives ~ just me.

So what do I constantly need to be pivoting to? What truth do I need to be telling myself? What truth do you need to be telling yourself? 

Truth will set you free. There are universal truths and there truths unique to your situation I think.

Freedom is a hearts cry of so many people, of everyone?

Freedom from war, addiction, depression, abuse, anxiety, pain, sickness, trauma, the list is endless. We all need freedom and it starts with truth.

We all also need mirrors of kindness and love reflecting to us who we are and how valuable we are.

This brings life and an upwelling of full rather than empty.

So today ~ this last day of the year ~ please know

YOU are valuable, you are unique, what you offer the world is perfect and important. Your world may be very small, or it might not be ~ but no matter what you have what it takes and you are amazing. THIS is truth. Wrap your arms around yourself and let you know that this year is going to be what you make it. 

How do you want to experience yourself in 2024?

Happy New Year :)

Love Tansy

After Giving Birth

 Pregnancy is a whole journey in and of itself. You can have the easiest drama free pregnancy but the reality is you are growing a baby. So much in your body must align and function for this to happen. Any small thing that goes wrong can spell disaster. I had a few hiccups in this pregnancy and emotionally I felt like I really let the baby down. I had hoped to feel peace and also I had wanted to be confident. Many things worked against this and I did not achieve that. However Amaris arrived safe and sound and the whole after birth journey had begun.

  My 'recovery' this time around was incredibly hard. I ended up tearing during birth and healing was impeded for weeks. I developed a life threatening blood clot and spent a day in emergency trying to figure out why I was in so much pain. I then had to inject myself twice a day with blood thinners that caused me pain and another blood clot for about six weeks. It also costs hundreds of dollars. I could not breast feed at first due to the baby having a severe tongue tie and for the first time ever I pumped every three hours and bottle fed. The baby had a tongue and lip tie revision done at eight days old which was challenging. The baby did not sleep at night. To say I felt like a shadow wracked with pain is an understatement. As I write this I am two months into this all and much of this is receding and improving. However, I am still getting very little sleep and she struggles to nurse. She has been colicky and I have been so weak and have had to cut out foods to help her tummy. She also has reflux. 

However there is always light in amongst shadows and there was so much light!

  My sister has been heroic. She advocated for me on all levels, drove long miles to come physically help me, brought me food, empathy and kindness. She found me help on days she could not be there and day by day I made it through and I was still alive. Dear souls made me multiple meals and sent gifts and love. Amaris started out in the world with three sleepers and in a matter of weeks had well over a hundred pieces of clothing due to the generosity of friends and neighbors. I had cards, flowers, baking, gifts and visits from family and friends. My soul needed this so much! I am so so SO thankful.