A New Life To Live

   I have a very active baby alive in my womb right now. I think this last baby is the most active of all the sweet souls that have grown inside me. It moves so much. I wonder is it just uncomfortable? Does it just want to get out and start living? It reassures me often that it is strong and alive!

 I wonder who this little life is? What have they internalized living inside me. How does life seem already even before they emerge to take their first breath. I hope for the absolute best. This pregnancy has held a lot of stress for me. I so deeply wanted to manage what life had to throw me better than other times I have been pregnant but it was not to be. I have had some of the worst panic attacks of my life, and many emotional breakdowns while hosting this life. I have deeply disappointed at my lack of capability but at the same time. I have also had to hold grace for myself too. Holding these dual emotions has taken practice and intentionality. 

 So soon this baby will emerge. I pray for health, for a safe coming. I am anxious about all the unknown details and the pain I need to go through. I have been told I should deliver a week early for safety reasons. I didn't know this until just a short time ago. I need to choose to be induced or monitored closely. I have not done this before. I have been blessed with naturally progressing and for the most part beautiful labors. So far I have not felt able to make final decisions. I keep waffling back and forth as to what to do. It does not help that my healthcare provider is away and unavailable on the day that I should technically get induced. 

 During this pregnancy I felt this strong need to not be needy, to not be an inconvenience to anyone. It felt like survival to me to not be a weight. However, I have probably been the most needy and the biggest 'burden' to those around me ever! It is like I knew what was coming deep down and fought it hard but could not win.

 There is always this process of surrender when giving birth. So much is out of my control and that is what I face now as tears well in my eyes and I try to hold onto faith and hope. 

I am going to give birth, and have life emerge from me, I am going to hold in my arms this soul created by myself and my husband. A precious child that has an entire life to live. I hope all goes well for the baby and me. If you believe in the power of prayer please pray for me during these next few weeks. I feel vulnerable and indecisive.

Thankyou :)

Tansy

Relationships

  Something I have held onto with the tightest grasp possible in my life is relationships. It is not easy to be on the other side of a relationship with me because I am beyond intense. I am often searching for ways to understand more or find a different, better way etc. To be in a relationship with me is not always easy, I am not fun, and sometimes it has to be downright discouraging. 

  At the same time, the love I feel for those that are in my life is fierce. I care so deeply about every detail that makes you you and about all the nuances of your life. I don't have many friends anymore. Why? They have not told me, they have just simply stopped speaking to me, sometimes after a twenty year friendship. I have my ideas why though. I have learned in heartbreaking ways that no matter how much you love someone and wish the best for them and hope to model or coach or control or whatever form it takes ~ no one can be changed. It is only myself that I can hope to work on and refine.

 I genuinely celebrate accomplishments and victories in the ones I love lives because they are such treasures to me! I also see that the depth of my care can apply undo and unfair pressure on those in my life.

  It is all so complicated for me to navigate. I often feel like I am flailing and doing things so wrong. Yet, also I am trying so hard to do things right! Not just for those in my life but for myself. I want to encourage, uplift, help, hope and pray for those I love.

Why write this? I think constantly about those in my life. I am praying for them, wishing I could do better, lift more loads, and support more consistently, and I never get it quite right. I often feel like such a failure. Yet that shows the insecurities I struggle with and how much I rely on others for my self-worth. As pure as my intentions are and as generous as my actions may be they are not always needed and not appreciated because they were coming from myself. They were not necessarily coming from a place that the other person actually needed.

Oh my word it is such a battle for me.

For all of those that care so deeply for others and find yourself confused or disillusioned, Lord bless you :) May you find peace. May you grow and mature so that you have capacity to process and be healthier in your responses and your intentions.

And to those I love and continually let down...just know my love for you is so so SO deep. I want to do better, I want to love you so deeply in a way that feels safe and caring and beautiful. 

My musings for today :)

Tansy