Relationships

  Something I have held onto with the tightest grasp possible in my life is relationships. It is not easy to be on the other side of a relationship with me because I am beyond intense. I am often searching for ways to understand more or find a different, better way etc. To be in a relationship with me is not always easy, I am not fun, and sometimes it has to be downright discouraging. 

  At the same time, the love I feel for those that are in my life is fierce. I care so deeply about every detail that makes you you and about all the nuances of your life. I don't have many friends anymore. Why? They have not told me, they have just simply stopped speaking to me, sometimes after a twenty year friendship. I have my ideas why though. I have learned in heartbreaking ways that no matter how much you love someone and wish the best for them and hope to model or coach or control or whatever form it takes ~ no one can be changed. It is only myself that I can hope to work on and refine.

 I genuinely celebrate accomplishments and victories in the ones I love lives because they are such treasures to me! I also see that the depth of my care can apply undo and unfair pressure on those in my life.

  It is all so complicated for me to navigate. I often feel like I am flailing and doing things so wrong. Yet, also I am trying so hard to do things right! Not just for those in my life but for myself. I want to encourage, uplift, help, hope and pray for those I love.

Why write this? I think constantly about those in my life. I am praying for them, wishing I could do better, lift more loads, and support more consistently, and I never get it quite right. I often feel like such a failure. Yet that shows the insecurities I struggle with and how much I rely on others for my self-worth. As pure as my intentions are and as generous as my actions may be they are not always needed and not appreciated because they were coming from myself. They were not necessarily coming from a place that the other person actually needed.

Oh my word it is such a battle for me.

For all of those that care so deeply for others and find yourself confused or disillusioned, Lord bless you :) May you find peace. May you grow and mature so that you have capacity to process and be healthier in your responses and your intentions.

And to those I love and continually let down...just know my love for you is so so SO deep. I want to do better, I want to love you so deeply in a way that feels safe and caring and beautiful. 

My musings for today :)

Tansy