A New Life To Live

   I have a very active baby alive in my womb right now. I think this last baby is the most active of all the sweet souls that have grown inside me. It moves so much. I wonder is it just uncomfortable? Does it just want to get out and start living? It reassures me often that it is strong and alive!

 I wonder who this little life is? What have they internalized living inside me. How does life seem already even before they emerge to take their first breath. I hope for the absolute best. This pregnancy has held a lot of stress for me. I so deeply wanted to manage what life had to throw me better than other times I have been pregnant but it was not to be. I have had some of the worst panic attacks of my life, and many emotional breakdowns while hosting this life. I have deeply disappointed at my lack of capability but at the same time. I have also had to hold grace for myself too. Holding these dual emotions has taken practice and intentionality. 

 So soon this baby will emerge. I pray for health, for a safe coming. I am anxious about all the unknown details and the pain I need to go through. I have been told I should deliver a week early for safety reasons. I didn't know this until just a short time ago. I need to choose to be induced or monitored closely. I have not done this before. I have been blessed with naturally progressing and for the most part beautiful labors. So far I have not felt able to make final decisions. I keep waffling back and forth as to what to do. It does not help that my healthcare provider is away and unavailable on the day that I should technically get induced. 

 During this pregnancy I felt this strong need to not be needy, to not be an inconvenience to anyone. It felt like survival to me to not be a weight. However, I have probably been the most needy and the biggest 'burden' to those around me ever! It is like I knew what was coming deep down and fought it hard but could not win.

 There is always this process of surrender when giving birth. So much is out of my control and that is what I face now as tears well in my eyes and I try to hold onto faith and hope. 

I am going to give birth, and have life emerge from me, I am going to hold in my arms this soul created by myself and my husband. A precious child that has an entire life to live. I hope all goes well for the baby and me. If you believe in the power of prayer please pray for me during these next few weeks. I feel vulnerable and indecisive.

Thankyou :)

Tansy