Throwing the Apple Away

  Today I fished an apple core out from under my bed and threw it away.  My baby can run around now and there are apples all over the house. The apple had been there for days and was dried out. It was such a little thing ~ throwing the apple away ~ but no one else was going to do that. 

 Today I went out into the field as the sun was rising. The field was covered in a thick frost. Each individual blade of grass and clover had its own frosty dress. It was beautiful, and as the sun rose and slowly filled the field it was both cold and warm. The ground frozen but quickly softening. My son came out with me but then was distracted by a neighbour friend coming out to say hi as well. It was glorious to take a moment and hard to take a moment. My body always has pain now. I stretched and prayed.

  Today I took clothes from all over my daughter's house and put them in her washer then her dryer. I folded clothes, I washed floors and her toilet and mirror. I washed dishes and organized things. I made an apple crisp from her ageing apples. I put away the cloth diapers and hoped to bless her heart.

  Today I baked two chickens and made mashed potatoes, I nursed the baby each time she asked for 'nanas' and I read some new books to my five year old. I listened to my ten year old explain his made up video game that he has derived from a series of books he wrote. I listened to my eighteen year old explain about his fingerboards and techdecks. I put stamps on my daughter's Christmas cards and got them mailed. I picked up my daughter from basketball and saw her run laughing to the van her face alight with joy. I listened as my daughter told me about her baby's lip and tongue tie revision. 

 Today I felt and thought of the suffering of dear ones who are going through sickness, death and loss. I thought of the mourning and the motions and the aching of their souls. I wished the world was not such a dark hard place. I wondered what heaven would be like. My five year old and I talked about heaven. My notions of heaven are vague and hopeful. I want it to be a place where I feel like myself, and like I am so deeply loved, and where I am whole and worthy. I think that it will be so. 

 Today I ate chocolate ice cream and apple crisp and whipped cream and I ate rice cakes and soup with my children. I washed so many dishes, and kept people hydrated, and drank hot chocolate and thought about the inflammation that the sugar would bring to my body. I revelled in the golden light of the sunset that spread such filmy warmth over everything for just a small time.

 Today is now becoming tonight and my hands are dry and cracked. I spread moisturizer over the baby and she tried to steal a quick lick of it. She has such blue eyes right now.

 Life has so many stages ~ and they are all precious in their own way. I am so thankful for this time and for this day. My days are filled with picking up the apples and throwing them in the garbage. Of looking out the window or running out to the frost and sun, of giving the cats more food and water, of changing another dirty diaper, of reading aloud all the stories, of giving smiles when I can and making a cabbage poultice for a chest infection. My days are filled with service and love. Thankyou for it all.

xo