Wednesday, 6 April 2016
A Tulip Conference
A gathering of Tulips ~ altogether in once place ~ to think that at one time these were sacred and precious and worth unfathomable wealth. I think that this is a testament as to why.
Sunday, 3 April 2016
A Treasure All My Own
April ~ the month I arrived in the world. I was the first born. My parents tell me how my dad took my mom on a motor cycle ride to try to induce labor and how eventually though, it was walking up and down hills in beautiful gardens that enticed me into this world. I can't help but think maybe it was because my mom actually relaxed for a few minutes in enjoying the Spring's offerings and I felt like I could brave a new world. I was born cautious, careful and alert. I knew life was going to need to be navigated rather than embraced and excitedly explored. After my mom braved labor and birthed me to my first breath I was layed on her stomach. She tells me that I lifted my head and smiled at her. I feel like I was already letting her know that I had heard all the tears, and I had cried along with her.I was letting her know I would not fail her. I already was trying to fill her heart with assurance.
That April I was the one that introduced my mother to motherhood. She rocked me, nursed me, sang lullabies and dreamed. I helped ease the sting of some wounds. I was a very easy baby and helped my mom feel like a very capable lovely mother. I never crawled or was very busy although later I think I made up for it all by talking early and never stopping. However there is something to be said for our beginnings. They shape us more than we give credit for. The pregnancy our mother had, the connection we were allowed with her, the feelings she felt ~ they all affect us deeply for a life time. They are the beginning threads that weave through the tapestry of our life. I like to remember these pieces of me when April comes around.
I am thankful for the family I was born in. I am thankful for my mother. I am thankful I was born in April during a time of color, beauty, nature's rejoicing and renewal. As silly as it may sound to some who have maybe never celebrated themselves fully ~ I like to think of every day of April like my birthday. A day to remember where I came from and who I am. I like to get myself little treasures and be kinder to myself, to remind myself that I am a treasure all my own.
That April I was the one that introduced my mother to motherhood. She rocked me, nursed me, sang lullabies and dreamed. I helped ease the sting of some wounds. I was a very easy baby and helped my mom feel like a very capable lovely mother. I never crawled or was very busy although later I think I made up for it all by talking early and never stopping. However there is something to be said for our beginnings. They shape us more than we give credit for. The pregnancy our mother had, the connection we were allowed with her, the feelings she felt ~ they all affect us deeply for a life time. They are the beginning threads that weave through the tapestry of our life. I like to remember these pieces of me when April comes around.
I am thankful for the family I was born in. I am thankful for my mother. I am thankful I was born in April during a time of color, beauty, nature's rejoicing and renewal. As silly as it may sound to some who have maybe never celebrated themselves fully ~ I like to think of every day of April like my birthday. A day to remember where I came from and who I am. I like to get myself little treasures and be kinder to myself, to remind myself that I am a treasure all my own.
Tuesday, 29 March 2016
What Cancer Has Given Me ~ And So I Must Say Thankyou
When I was the ripe and ill prepared age of twenty two I traveled the cancer journey. It was a rocky treacherous road for me. When I had my last chemo session I feel like I had been completely emptied of all those starry eyed moments we are so often gifted with in youth. I now KNEW what 'adulthood' meant in so many ways, and it did not get easier after the last bits of chemo dripped out of that plastic bag up on the IV rack and into my bruised hand. I went home from the hospital. There was no more chemo treatments looming, and tried to somehow recover ~ to recover my innocence, my friendships, my joy, my marriage, my hope ~ and the other things that I lost along that road.
As the years have slipped on however ~ sometimes I have these moments of startling clarity where I realize how much cancer gave me. Here is a random list that was in my mind today.
Every season of each year holds delight. It does not fail me. When a new season slips or swaggers on in I welcome it and revel in it. The blossoms and newness of spring, the warmth and long days of summer, the crispness and color of fall, the glitter and nakedness of winter ~ it all is noticed to its fullest for me. I remember that first Spring after I had cancer. I had a job where I drove the highway for about two hours each work day, and the trees and daffodils that lined the highway made me ache with joy that I had not felt in quite that way before.
My hair became less of a nuisance to me and more of a blessing. I appreciated its' fullness, its' texture, its color and vibrance. I realized it was an important part of who I was and losing so much of it and the way I lost it helped me want to appreciate it and its' gift to me. Having thick hair fall out in clumps, waking up with handfuls lying on your pillow ~ it does something to your heart. When your hair comes back you feel a different sense of dignity return you did not necessarily realize you carried before.
Birthdays ~ I just wanted to celebrate them and wanted to be celebrated. The birthday I had after I had recovered was a triumph and my friends put so much into it for me. I had shaggy hair and a shakey smile but I felt like everyone was cheering that I was still alive and I wanted that fact to matter ~ I still do. I am thankful for every birthday still!
I am so grateful for my general health. Since getting cancer I have never been as healthy again. However I do not have spend my days in the hospital or in chronic pain and my cancer was relatively easy to eradicate.
I am so thankful for my senses. I adore that I can smell, taste, feel, see and hear. Having the chemo took away some of those sensations from me for a while or made them a curse. When that was done and smells and tastes were delicious again, touch didn't cause pain, and sound wasn't overwhelming it was like I was made new.
After cancer was done I spent a good amount of years being angry. I was angry probably mostly at myself and my inability to cope. Holding this burden close did not help me. I latched onto relationships with a vengeance that was not healthy. I hoped being the perfect friend or spouse would make me FEEL better, cleansed and whole. It did not work. I was left void and dark. So often it would go back to the cancer. Really though it went much farther back but the cancer was where I felt safe to start. I worked through bitterness, anxiety, abuse and so many hurts. I had to ever so slowly redefine myself. Without cancer would this have happened? Maybe, MAYBE; but not in my twenties and probably not in the way that it had to happen in order to go on. I had been great at using my wounding and holding it close for many years, and the evilness of cancer made the wounding too deep to bear.
There are many more things that bless me every day but the biggest one is the fact that every day I realize that this could be the last time. It could be the last time I see someone smile or have a conversation. I feel the fragility of my breath and life itself, because of this I have tried to document the preciousness of my children and leave them with the story of themselves. I have made them baby books and scrapbooks and written them letters and have felt that if I was to die ~ they would know that I was aware of their preciousness, who they were and are, and that I adored them. I might not have been so aware of all these little things. I might not have tried to remember them in such clarity.
I also feel that to the best of my abilities I try to celebrate and value the people in my life. I might not have valued them or realized their worth to such a degree if I had not had cancer.
I think the other thing I realized was that being mad at 'God' and putting all the ugly on Him was just such a waste of time for me ~ when I realized all I was able to glory in~ take part in! In regards to the splendor of the rich trees, the splendid grasses, the delicate blossoms, the juicy berries, the majestic mountains, the mighty rivers ~ it was such gifts to be cherished. All of these great works of art speak so deeply to my soul. The way that a horse feels and smells, the soft skin of my babies, the rough hand of my husband as I hold it...I felt like I didn't need to wonder if God was 'good' or if He 'allowed' all the bad to happen. I felt like I had faced the darkness of the yawning chasm of much, and realized it is indeed there (the evil, the darkness). However not much of that has to do with God himself. He asks of us yes, but he gives all good. I can feel that when I am outside, in the communion of it all. I was able to take hold of that fully after cancer. I have not let it go. My soul is wide open to His breathe, His love, His nurture, His embrace, His shelter, and all that being in Him entails.
It is in every breathe, in every moment, in all the sadness, the anger, the overflowing joy, the moments that every day holds; that we are here for. There is much at work to steal that, to taint it, to ruin it. Cancer showed that to me in the most concentrated clear form. Yet it did not have to win and it did not.
So cancer, my dear, I must say thank you. It was a horrific relationship. You broke me I admit. You also tortured me to the fullest and yet in it all I was able to rise. I was not renewed but I was remade. The journey continues as you left lasting scars. However these scars are now like medals, I suppose, and my reminders. Let me be clear, you are never welcome anywhere near me again; but thank you from all that is within me. Thank you.
As the years have slipped on however ~ sometimes I have these moments of startling clarity where I realize how much cancer gave me. Here is a random list that was in my mind today.
Every season of each year holds delight. It does not fail me. When a new season slips or swaggers on in I welcome it and revel in it. The blossoms and newness of spring, the warmth and long days of summer, the crispness and color of fall, the glitter and nakedness of winter ~ it all is noticed to its fullest for me. I remember that first Spring after I had cancer. I had a job where I drove the highway for about two hours each work day, and the trees and daffodils that lined the highway made me ache with joy that I had not felt in quite that way before.
My hair became less of a nuisance to me and more of a blessing. I appreciated its' fullness, its' texture, its color and vibrance. I realized it was an important part of who I was and losing so much of it and the way I lost it helped me want to appreciate it and its' gift to me. Having thick hair fall out in clumps, waking up with handfuls lying on your pillow ~ it does something to your heart. When your hair comes back you feel a different sense of dignity return you did not necessarily realize you carried before.
Birthdays ~ I just wanted to celebrate them and wanted to be celebrated. The birthday I had after I had recovered was a triumph and my friends put so much into it for me. I had shaggy hair and a shakey smile but I felt like everyone was cheering that I was still alive and I wanted that fact to matter ~ I still do. I am thankful for every birthday still!
I am so grateful for my general health. Since getting cancer I have never been as healthy again. However I do not have spend my days in the hospital or in chronic pain and my cancer was relatively easy to eradicate.
I am so thankful for my senses. I adore that I can smell, taste, feel, see and hear. Having the chemo took away some of those sensations from me for a while or made them a curse. When that was done and smells and tastes were delicious again, touch didn't cause pain, and sound wasn't overwhelming it was like I was made new.
After cancer was done I spent a good amount of years being angry. I was angry probably mostly at myself and my inability to cope. Holding this burden close did not help me. I latched onto relationships with a vengeance that was not healthy. I hoped being the perfect friend or spouse would make me FEEL better, cleansed and whole. It did not work. I was left void and dark. So often it would go back to the cancer. Really though it went much farther back but the cancer was where I felt safe to start. I worked through bitterness, anxiety, abuse and so many hurts. I had to ever so slowly redefine myself. Without cancer would this have happened? Maybe, MAYBE; but not in my twenties and probably not in the way that it had to happen in order to go on. I had been great at using my wounding and holding it close for many years, and the evilness of cancer made the wounding too deep to bear.
There are many more things that bless me every day but the biggest one is the fact that every day I realize that this could be the last time. It could be the last time I see someone smile or have a conversation. I feel the fragility of my breath and life itself, because of this I have tried to document the preciousness of my children and leave them with the story of themselves. I have made them baby books and scrapbooks and written them letters and have felt that if I was to die ~ they would know that I was aware of their preciousness, who they were and are, and that I adored them. I might not have been so aware of all these little things. I might not have tried to remember them in such clarity.
I also feel that to the best of my abilities I try to celebrate and value the people in my life. I might not have valued them or realized their worth to such a degree if I had not had cancer.
I think the other thing I realized was that being mad at 'God' and putting all the ugly on Him was just such a waste of time for me ~ when I realized all I was able to glory in~ take part in! In regards to the splendor of the rich trees, the splendid grasses, the delicate blossoms, the juicy berries, the majestic mountains, the mighty rivers ~ it was such gifts to be cherished. All of these great works of art speak so deeply to my soul. The way that a horse feels and smells, the soft skin of my babies, the rough hand of my husband as I hold it...I felt like I didn't need to wonder if God was 'good' or if He 'allowed' all the bad to happen. I felt like I had faced the darkness of the yawning chasm of much, and realized it is indeed there (the evil, the darkness). However not much of that has to do with God himself. He asks of us yes, but he gives all good. I can feel that when I am outside, in the communion of it all. I was able to take hold of that fully after cancer. I have not let it go. My soul is wide open to His breathe, His love, His nurture, His embrace, His shelter, and all that being in Him entails.
It is in every breathe, in every moment, in all the sadness, the anger, the overflowing joy, the moments that every day holds; that we are here for. There is much at work to steal that, to taint it, to ruin it. Cancer showed that to me in the most concentrated clear form. Yet it did not have to win and it did not.
So cancer, my dear, I must say thank you. It was a horrific relationship. You broke me I admit. You also tortured me to the fullest and yet in it all I was able to rise. I was not renewed but I was remade. The journey continues as you left lasting scars. However these scars are now like medals, I suppose, and my reminders. Let me be clear, you are never welcome anywhere near me again; but thank you from all that is within me. Thank you.
Saturday, 26 March 2016
My Usual Sunday Drive
Another hour out driving enjoying the sunshine and the quiet. If I could live among all this I would and one day I think, I hope, I will again because not too long ago I did! It is a fuel of mine and it keeps me going ~ the wide open fields, the water, the sky, narrow roads, old rugged barns and the quiet.
This is the bottom of a tree fell about four years ago but it is still living. Still clinging onto life. Its trunk is covered in branches that are sprouting fresh leaves. I think that is sort of how I feel sometimes. Like I have crashed down but have not given up ~ ever ~ and there are fresh leaves coming on my branches :)
This was my yard at one time in my life and my husband's play ground all through his growing up years.
What we have now though is bits and pieces of splendor we get to call our own. We get to make the most of what we are given.
So even though this is not my neighborhood anymore...I am working on becoming more and more okay with that.
Happy Easter weekend to one and all ~ Love Tansy
This is the bottom of a tree fell about four years ago but it is still living. Still clinging onto life. Its trunk is covered in branches that are sprouting fresh leaves. I think that is sort of how I feel sometimes. Like I have crashed down but have not given up ~ ever ~ and there are fresh leaves coming on my branches :)
This was my yard at one time in my life and my husband's play ground all through his growing up years.
What we have now though is bits and pieces of splendor we get to call our own. We get to make the most of what we are given.
So even though this is not my neighborhood anymore...I am working on becoming more and more okay with that.
Happy Easter weekend to one and all ~ Love Tansy
Easter Happenings ~
My children are at an 'event' right now where our church is dropping thousands of plastic eggs out of a helicopter. I think there will be many many MANY children there ~ a couple thousand. My girls dressed in Easter colors and dresses on their own volition. I did not go. That many people in one place does not appeal to me at all. We are going to a little dinner at my parents on Monday also. We do not go overboard on traditions here but there are little things my mom does to make Easter special. She brings baskets over on Easter Sunday each year with little treats and cute stuffed animals. The children love this. Last year we made Pasca with my dad and that was really fun. Some years Easter hats have been made and this year my daughter made a wreath. The children always dye eggs.
Easter ultimately for our family though is remembering that a man named Yeshua, a Jew and the Son of God, died on a cross to pay this ultimate price for the sins of man. It is glorious, hopefilling, and amazing all at once. We are thankful.
The White Way of Delight
Blossoms ~ they are here ~ in full splendor. They are so delicate and fleeting and so uplifting ~ the perfect back drop to some pictures I took with a friend, they add romance to any street or lane, they make you feel graceful just looking at them! I am wishing I could climb up in one of the trees and just sort of be with them for a while. I am enjoying them to the fullest every day. I hope wherever you are there is some beauty you are able to soak in and fill your self full. xo
Wednesday, 23 March 2016
Triumph
I just got back from a six year old's birthday party in a city over an hour away from our town. The rain was pouring as I pulled up to the house in my van and piled in with four children. We were bringing cupcakes and icing and, of course, gifts. The party was so sweet. There was coloring, Twister, pass the present, dancing, cup cake decorating, balloons and streamers, and lots of happy little faces and shining happy eyes. I loved that the party felt like a party I would have had when I was little. It was perfect.
Spring break is going to be over soon and I am glad my children and I got to do something like this all together. This week we have spent some time at the Nature reserve that we love with friends also and it was special as we don't often see them. Once children are in school, if they do not go to the same school, it is awfully hard to get together with them. Thankfully with these friends it always feels like time has not passed and we reconnect right away.
A triumph for me this week was going clothes shopping with my nine year old son. Never in his life has he payed any attention to his clothing other than to refuse to wear a lot of it. He is sensitive to many texture and so most clothing is horribly uncomfortable. He also wears his clothes backwards, inside out, and in general lives in pyjama pants and soft t shirts. He is changing so much right now though, and when we went to the store he first was introduced to the concept of size. Then he went around and chose two pairs of shorts and four shirts that he liked and he found his size. It was fun and happy and he chose two shirts with collars. He also put them right on when he got home (he usually refuses to wear new clothes). I was really thrilled. Then today at the birthday party he participated in everything and I'd have to say his dance moves were amazing. He was happy, confident, and wanted to try the new games again after he lost. It is funny how I feel about my parenting right now. I have felt like such a failure as a mother basically since the get go. Now that he is doing better I feel so much better. I feel like I need to think this through a little more...
We are home now and I can hear everyone dancing again. I will be sad when Spring Break is over and I am glad about that! It has been a good one. We kept it simple and had our hiccups but all in all it has been a success.
Spring break is going to be over soon and I am glad my children and I got to do something like this all together. This week we have spent some time at the Nature reserve that we love with friends also and it was special as we don't often see them. Once children are in school, if they do not go to the same school, it is awfully hard to get together with them. Thankfully with these friends it always feels like time has not passed and we reconnect right away.
A triumph for me this week was going clothes shopping with my nine year old son. Never in his life has he payed any attention to his clothing other than to refuse to wear a lot of it. He is sensitive to many texture and so most clothing is horribly uncomfortable. He also wears his clothes backwards, inside out, and in general lives in pyjama pants and soft t shirts. He is changing so much right now though, and when we went to the store he first was introduced to the concept of size. Then he went around and chose two pairs of shorts and four shirts that he liked and he found his size. It was fun and happy and he chose two shirts with collars. He also put them right on when he got home (he usually refuses to wear new clothes). I was really thrilled. Then today at the birthday party he participated in everything and I'd have to say his dance moves were amazing. He was happy, confident, and wanted to try the new games again after he lost. It is funny how I feel about my parenting right now. I have felt like such a failure as a mother basically since the get go. Now that he is doing better I feel so much better. I feel like I need to think this through a little more...
We are home now and I can hear everyone dancing again. I will be sad when Spring Break is over and I am glad about that! It has been a good one. We kept it simple and had our hiccups but all in all it has been a success.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)