I walked amongst a garden
And listened as he lamented
The years he didn't see the beauty
The years she grew flowers
He thought were a waste
He never took the time
To really see her
To walk amongst her flowers
And enjoy
And now she was gone
It was too late
And every week we walked
In glory
In color and scent and delight
And he softened
As one does in a garden
And grew closer to heaven
To one day enter in
Open windows
Delicately lashed
When you are sad
You wail
Mouth wide open
A free lament
You love your hair wild
And your heart
Flutters and sometimes roars
You are dainty and sweet
Oh so eloquent
You twirl and make your sister giggle
You sparkle in a tiara and clomp in cowgirl boots
You were so proud
Snuggling baby Andy in the wrap
You draw so confidently
You sing
You sing
You sing
We are all blessed to know you
Rose
When you open your eyes each morning ~ what are your first thoughts? How does your body feel? I can guarantee if you can get outside with your feet in the grass first thing in the morning, if you can hear birds singing and see the blue sky, or maybe feel droplets of rain hitting your face ~ something in your whole being will shift towards joy. If you can move your body in any way, arm uplifted, or feet moving a bit, or maybe you can jump and sway ~ releasing energy through your body ~ if you can drink a large cup of clean water ~
I feel like this is the way we were created to begin a day.
I often begin my days with overwhelm. It is ridiculous because of what I am overwhelmed about. I am an adult ~ a middle aged woman ~ and I begin my day overwhelmed by what everyone needs me to do for them. It starts with the baby screaming at me to nurse her, and then goes into getting everyone breakfast, the laundry and dishes going, and trying to get everyone ready for the day. I start overstimulated.
I noticed that on Tuesdays (our garbage day) I often have to go outside to finish putting the garbage out. This is a job I would like my husband to accomplish but he rarely completes the whole job. I have noticed that those short moments of 'escaping' outside and lugging garbage and recycling to the road I can breathe more easily and I feel a lifting of the anxiety.
I am aware this is a no brainer! However, in my daily anxiety getting outside does not happen often. The other day I ran outside to empty a bin and I was having such a hard morning. My anxiety was worse than usual. I noticed that some flowers were jewelled by the nights rain and then in looking more closely I was absolutely enchanted. I got my camera and did my best to capture my moment of wonder. I observed some snails moving slowly about and the tiniest blades of grass so intricately decorated with teeny tiny droplets. It was magical.
And so, if you can, in the mornings, let the light fill your eyes, touch your bare feet to the wet cool grass, let bird song bless you if birds are about and may you feel peace that passes all understanding guard your heart and mind and may nature bring you a stillness of soul that we all deeply need.
Preaching this to myself
xo
Now is about the time that I start to question whether I should work towards having another baby. I have six children and I am forty three. My baby is not yet two but she is starting to talk and she is out of the tiny baby stage. Life starts to get somewhat easier in the form of more sleep and less total dependance on me. I see children as life's greatest gifts and life's greatest teachers. I also see each child added to a family as another friend, another miracle, and another treasure. However my body has given way more than I think it maybe should have. My body has been generous in allowing what it has. After my last birth I developed a blood clot that could have killed me and the recovery from the birth was incredibly challenging. I also had gestational diabetes for the first time during the pregnancy. I can't fathom having the strength to grow another child but that does not stop my heart from longing for that chance again. I am so deeply grateful for each child that I have. I can't express it enough. Why write this? I think because it's my honest hearts wish and I don't know if it will ever not be. Will I ever not wish for a tiny baby to snuggle, nurse, and marvel at? I don't know.
If this is indeed my last baby oh how I am grateful I was gifted her! She is so full of joy and mischief and sparkle and life. She exudes energy and fun. She is such a treasure. I am so glad that I said yes to having her and that she came.
Blessed am I among women
So blessed
We went for a walk
The light was April
And April light is magic in the dim
New grass glowing and fresh leaves so green you ache with it
Tulips emanating joy and delight with their dances of color
Duck couples sidling along not yet confined to parenthood
Snow still magnificent on the mountain tops
The air fresh and clean
And there is this feeling of renewing
That can't be explained to those who have not weathered a winter here
The grey dull months
Lifeless depression of endless rain
Has been conquered yet again
We all made it through
Are we taller?
I think we are
So we walk along
Every step thankful
I went away to one of the places that I love the most ~ an island where I spent some formative years. I went with my family. We were there for two days but we packed every minute full of goodness. We went to one of our favourite stores that is full of treasures. It was pouring rain but that didn't stop us. One super precious moment was a gentleman coming outside and giving a carrot to a little black bunny that was roaming around. It was quite tame and proceeded to munch away while the little girls patted it and the big kids enjoyed the sweetness. On this trip we got to see many cousins and three aunties and I spent time with very dear friends. We played by the ocean and stayed on a mountain top. I experienced going in a sauna for the first time and found it amazing. I also went to a funeral and met people that I had not seen for years but who had been so incredibly dear to my heart when I was younger. To see their faces, to recognize looks in their eyes, to hug them; it brought me back to a different era of life where I was softer and innocent and overflowing with so much empathy and sincerity!
Sometimes it's hard to face who I am now. I have empathy for what I have gone through and hold kindness but it was lovely to get to remember how I felt about these people and how I gave to them through the years.
I stayed with a friend I have known since I was eight and just before this trip I was able to spend time with a friend I had known since birth. Most of my friends live far away and seeing them is rare. My friends are such gems. They have carried me, sustained me, helped me, seen me, cared for me and it has meant so much. When I get to physically be with them it is such a gift.
I also find that when I am on the island I feel so much more myself. Like things are right. I wish I could bring that feeling along with me. I have not quite figured out why I can't. So when I am there I am so thankful for the feeling.
It was a nourishing two days and it will carry me for a long time
I think there is value in recognizing what will carry you, what fills you, what sustains you, and what you yourself needs. Some people never take the time to ask themselves what this is. They numb and lull and trudge and never really thrill and adore. Their soul does not shine through their eyes very often.
Shine soul shine
Do the work to find what that means
Thrive spirit
Live this hard, heart breaking, beautiful, bright, breathtaking life.
xo
Tansy
