My Homeschooling Journey Part One

 I have been writing up a storm lately. I have always been a writer. I learned to read and write easily when I was five my mom tells me. She homeschooled me for kindergarten and then from grade three to grade seven. When I was little I remember sitting in front of the fire during the winter writing chapter books about a busy mother named Jessica. I think I have become Jessica actually if I think about it!

I have a car journal, a home journal, this blog....I write and write. I have written a book ~ two of them actually! They are not published, but my point is ~ I write.

I did not imagine myself, however, a full time teacher.

My mom drilled into me that I should not homeschool my children. Oddly enough as a teenager and young adult my main jobs were tutoring children. I did LIKE to teach ~ them at least~ I went to university to get a certificate so that I could teach English around the world. I briefly thought that I might like to do that but it was in order for me to be able to afford to travel.

Fast forward to my first child being kindergarten age. I did not even consider homeschooling her. She was going to go to the public school down the road. That is free here. You don't need to wear uniforms and you just sign up and go! It is payed for by taxes from everyone. However I was warned that that school was not a good place to send your child and I saw that a christian school had a deal where your child could go to kindergarten for fifty dollars a month. I signed her up, got her the uniform, and off she went! She was a keen student and such a sweetheart. It was not the best scenario for her as she was in a kindergarten grade one split class and her teacher had never taught kindergarten before. However she did her best and all went relatively well. 

In grade one is where things went really wrong. I won't go into details but eventually we had to move my daughter to a new school through no fault of her own. Her teacher at that school was a very cold and strict woman and my daughter had gone through trauma and had a lot of anxiety. Eventually it got to a place where I had no choice but to homeschool. Her anxiety was so serious and debilitating.

The fact that this didn't feel like a choice (that I had to homeschool), was not what I wanted, and also was nothing I had any clue about was deeply daunting to me. And guess what, I did everything wrong, so deeply wrong, and it was horrible. We were having endless power struggles because of our personality and learning differences (which I didn't know yet needed to be taken into account). It was just a disaster and I felt like a failure every day.

I remember going to a massive conference on homeschooling where there were MANY vendors selling curriculum. I was just having panic attacks. I had no CLUE there was so many choices out in the world. I had no idea what was good or how she would learn best. I had no clue how I preferred to teach either. I felt so overwhelmed and lost.

There were no rose coloured glasses, not many lovely fun learning moments ~ it was just awful. Yet I had to do it.

That was how homeschooling started for me. My daughter was in grade 2. Guess what ~ my daughter is now twenty one and graduated and I am STILL homeschooling. Currently my three kids I am homeschooling have never even gone to a bricks and mortar school!

I will continue the story in part two

Light and the Illumination

 What light illuminates your soul today? Maybe you woke up feeling fresh and rested and ready for a beautiful day. Maybe you did not. When your eyes look out into the world ~ these windows into your soul ~ what are they looking for? What are they seeing?

Today the rain is pouring again. I am sick. My family got such a horrid flue on the 28th of December and even though I didn't get it as strongly as some of them I can't shake the sickness. It lingers. I will recover but I am in a different head space than I sometimes am.

Today the light came in the form of my two year old. She had a cold for weeks and then the flue. She finally recovered and it was alarming how quickly I had forgotten her sunny personality. This morning as she got ready for church she was singing fragments of songs her sister has taught her. She was asking for a pony tail in her hair. She was commenting on her beauty and getting on her shoes and asking everyone to make sure she was totally ready. She was shining with confidence and inner light. It was radiant.

May you find light to illuminate your soul today. Maybe you have a pet? A bird that is singing or a cat that snuggles you or a dog with soulful eyes? Maybe you have a grandchild with a sweet heart who loves you fully. Maybe you had a partner who made you a cup of tea or coffee or did something thoughtful for you. Maybe you have flowers in your yard you could bring indoors or maybe you have a Christmas gift that is continuing to bless you with its thoughtfulness. Maybe there will be a memory that is full of light and joy that comes into your mind today. Maybe you could put on some lipstick or spend time somewhere beautiful?

May you find the light

xo

Totally Empty

  It is a new year. 2026. I will turn forty four this year. I am starting out the year feeling hollow inside. I have poured out everything I had to pour in the last few weeks of this year. This is not a negative thing. It is good. It just means that right now I am hollow inside. Totally empty. I am not exactly sure what to do to fill myself up right now. That is also okay. 

The sun is shining. That in itself is filling. I am so thankful the winter sun shines through my window and illuminates the books on my bookshelf and the silk scarf on the eons old piano stool. 

It feels like there is so much needed of me. I am not sure if other mothers feel this way. I assume they do. I have a baby who wants to nurse a lot. She is my third child in a row who does not have a soother or any sort of other soothing apparatus and I am it. That is a big responsibility for a mother ~ to be the soother. 

I have five other children who would love to connect with me, who would love to feel seen by me, and who want to be known. I have a husband  as well who wants that and a grandchild.

I worked so hard to try to give my family a Christmas that felt somewhat happy and warm and caring. I hope I succeeded. 

After Christmas ~ directly after the last gathering ~ the entire family got a horrible flue. It wiped everyone out except my husband (go figure). I was up for many hours emptying buckets and processing laundry and handing out cool cloths and just being hopefully some sort of comfort. I am never enough in these situations.

Everyone has recovered now.

My house is in shambles and I don't know where to start. I have so much work but homeschool starts again in a few days. The schedule for January feels daunting and there are so many things to try to figure out for each child.

I need a hand to hold but I must hold my own.

And so I will take one day at a time

And think on Scriptures like

Romans 8:26-28 ~ Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groaning too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Each year holds so much promise of good.

There is promise of pain and hardship, heartbreak and loss.

There is promise of beauty, of connection, of smiles and laughter, of warmth.

If you are really living you are experiencing, feeling, processing, all of these things day by day. You are working through it and reveling in it and making the most of it.

I am grateful to be here. Grateful for another year 

Welcome to January and welcome to 20206

In my emptiness may I go forth in singing

Xo

A Light to Shine In Us

 Christmas Eve

My little ones are so excited for today and tomorrow. These, besides their birthdays, are the most magical days of the year. What a gift to feel that wonder and magic and to know that there is such joy and excitement to be had. I get to help create that in them and foster that. 

In the journey of knowing who I am and how I have become who I am I am thankful that even if I don't get swept away with excitement maybe ever, I do feel deep wonder about many things. I feel joy in an almost painful way it is so precious and treasured, and magic is everywhere when you take a moment to look around you at the way the earth works in such harmony because of how it was created. This morning it is still dark out, the children are surrendered to slumber and I am sitting here thinking. The next two days are very full for me. The list of things to accomplish are staggering. This morning I am thinking about Mary and her journey to birth Jesus. 

 A mother and father have journeyed far ~ the mother heavy with child ~ achey and sore. There is nowhere for them to stay as the town is so crowded with people so they find shelter with stabled animals in some sort of outdoor shelter ~ some say it may have been a cave. It would have been dark, the smell would have been strong, and the animals would have been stirred by the excitement and presence of strange humans. They would not have been quiet. The mother is a first time mother and she is young. Her own mother and town midwife are not present. Did she know how to breathe through the contractions? The pain of labor is not something you can really imagine before hand. It is so intense and it is not often possible to remain silent. Did her husband know how to support her? Were the animals mooing or baaing or baying? Were they stomping and restless or were they quiet and supportive? Did she feel alone and scared? Were the animals comforting? Did strange midwives come to assist her? Did her husband know what to do? 

The baby arrives and they hear that first cry. When you have your first baby you don't realize the beauty of hearing your child's voice for the first time until it happens. This child was very special and they both know it. He is the son of God. They have not known what to really except, but when they hear His voice they are both filled with love and He is their child. Mary would have snuggled him close to keep him warm and would have latched Him as best she could to her breast. Nursing is something that has to be figured out that first time. I hope there was someone there to help her. After a time she would have needed to get cleaned up and would have needed to rest. There was no bed for the baby, she must have used something she had to swaddle him in and then would have looked around for somewhere to lay him. The floor would not have been an option. She gently placed him in a feeding trough for a few minutes to pull herself together as best she could. Oh it would have been so intense. Manure, blood, animals, noise, and that first night of just the wonder and yet bewilderment and also that love that just floods you, and the wonder of how you did that!? You birthed a baby that you grew inside you! It is beyond any feeling you can imagine. There is the reality of needing to diaper the baby, manage your own blood that is flowing, and find a resting spot amidst rats, fleas, manure, straw and more. Sometimes newborn babies sleep for quite a while after birth but my babies did not. I spent that first night holding them and nursing them. That first night is the most precious holy experience.

All of us as loving mothers know we didn't birth a Jesus but we have birthed children that we have hope for. It isn't the hope of them being a saviour. However we hope that this child will be kind and will offer goodness and light when they can. We hope that they will feel our love when they need it most. We hope, hope, hope. So much of mothering is about hope.

Mary was filled with hope and so much more. She went on to have more babies through the years and to raise Jesus as her own. She had one crazy birth story to share with her village and mother back home that would have been talked about again and again during the times of remembering. She would have remembered that shepherds suddenly showed up. A rough and tumble crowd that were wide eyed and sort of bewildered because they had seen a heavenly host of angels! They were being obedient and coming to see a newborn baby they have been told is a king. A newborn baby brings such softness to almost anybody. Their preciousness and vulnerability is this reminder of our essence. The whole scene ~ young Mary, a tiny baby, a stable, animals, shepherds fresh from the fields, Joseph, it is all just a louder, more intense, and yet holy and beautiful scenario for a new family to experience. To think that this baby changed everything for us. For you. 

Deciding to allow Jesus to be your voice of guidance and truth does not mean that your life is now easy. It does not take away the suffering of the world. It does not immediately mean that evil is gone. It does mean that your life changes course if you so choose. It means you have guidance, it means you have this eternal promise to walk towards, it means that in death you really have life, it means that you have hope and that you have love. It means that you can walk around with a peace to tangibly hold that passes all understanding in moments where otherwise there would only be darkness. This is what Christmas really is about. Every window of your soul can be wide open to receive at Christmas ~ allowing the light of all of this in.  

Jesus, thank you for coming to the world. Thankyou for saving us, for walking alongside us in our brokenness. Thankyou for shining your light in our darkness. Thankyou for convicting our hearts and teaching us truth. Thankyou for the hope of you.

xo

Thinking About A Mother

 My oldest daughter had her birthday a few weeks ago and I keep thinking about her birth mother. When I met her she was just freshly turned fifteen and very pregnant. She was sweet but also strong and she had her own mind. She was determined to have her baby and raise her baby and so her family had put her into foster care. 

There were so many moments that led up to her having her daughter in foster care and then gifting her daughter to my husband and I. We did not have our daughter move in with us until she was a year and a half old. She was with her mother for a long time.

This courageous choice was not supported by her family at all. At the court hearing her lawyer quit just as it started. She made the choice totally alone and represented herself to the judge.

Her courage and her kindness will always be one of the most heartfelt expressions of sacrifice and kindness I will experience. 

It's been many years since I have seen her. The last time I saw her she was in the emergency room of a hospital I was in. She was gaunt and frail and suffering the effects of drug use. All I could do was hug her. I was with little children (not my daughter) and so I couldn't stay.

 It is winter and cold out and it's Christmas time. When we first had our daughter with us her birth mother spent holidays with us. I just wish I could hug her and that she could see all her daughter has become. I hope it would help her find peace in her soul.

We all have more strength in us than we know. I hope that one day she can break free from the addictions and work through the pain. The work is so hard. For many people it is easier to stay addicted and suffering then walk forward in their pain and let it go. Freedom is never free is it and it's this continuous process of breaking off chains.

May we all walk forward choosing to fight for our freedom and may we all choose to see past ourselves and impact others for good. May we all choose courage and compassion and life. My daughter has been given everything by her birth mother and the choices she made for her daughter. It was the most courageous choice I have personally encountered in my lifetime. 

I wish I could tell her thank you 

Love From Jesus Just For You

  Christmas is in just a few days.

 I have tried to get all my shopping done but I keep needing to go get last minute things. I was in a really busy grocery store today ~ it was packed full of people pushing carts trying not to hit each other. There were sighs and smiles and patience and frustration. There was this moment that I witnessed that made me tear up. I was waiting at the end of an aisle in a passageway and an elderly couple saw someone they knew, another elderly lady, they both exclaimed her name and then wrapped her in a group hug. It was just the sweetest moment to witness. There was so much joy in their faces and to see her just enveloped in this beautiful embrace made me wish that someone would see me and feel the same. I finished my grocery shop and went to the last store I needed to go to that day. As I was walking the aisles I caught sight of a sweet lady that I have known my whole life. She was talking to someone else and so I didn't interrupt just kept on shopping. She saw me and when she was done talking she came over and hugged me! We ended up having a very kind conversation that felt heart felt and caring for me. I really needed it I guess. When you are looking for the moments of connection and looking for light ~ it does come to you. 

It is important to hold that close.

Seeing the couple embrace their friend felt like I got a hug, and made me long for that experience of sorts, and then it happened. 

I don't often meet people I know at the grocery store and not people that would hug me. This was a rare occurrence and it happened right after I expressed that longing in my mind and heart.

May you have these experiences when you deeply need them and see them for what they are ~

Love from Jesus

Just for you

Tansy

Excitement At Christmas

   Christmas is almost here. I have heard a few of my children remark that they are so excited for Christmas and that is really happy. They are excited because they have something to be excited for. That means I am accomplishing what I hope to accomplish! The mountains around us are covered in snow but down in our valley the grass is green and we have had twenty days of rain and grey clouds. There was a few minutes today when the sun came through and that was really lovely.  My husband is away, he was having a hard time with the rain and grey and our house being overwhelming and more. So he went away for two days just for a mental health break. Where he went is snow and sunshine and crisp cold. I think it was a really good choice for him and I hope it will sustain him for a while. 

   Do you remember being excited for Christmas as a child? I remember my mom used to bake gingerbread men and we could decorate them. I remember going out into the forest on our property with my dad and siblings to pick out a little scraggly but perfect tree for the big old farm house living room. I remember sitting in front of the cracking fires during the winter and writing stories. We didn't have a TV through my childhood years. I remember skating on our frozen creek in the winter. I feel like I was reenacting a moment from Little Women as I wore a skirt and scarf for a hat. I remember making strings of popcorn and Christmas decorations for the tree and paper chains for my bedroom. Sometimes at Christmas people would bring us hampers with gifts and food as sometimes my parents were struggling. I remember my aunties would buy me a jogging suit and I remember this amazingly perfect porcelain doll that had red hair and green eyes that they gave me. My aunties were so faithful in giving such sweet gifts and remembering us all. I am now forty three and they still remember my family and send money for gifts each year. My dad and mom would cook a turkey dinner for us and sometimes other family members. Christmas was something different than the every day. We were excited for it. 

  I hope that this year my children get up on Christmas morning filled with excitement. Excitement in anyone is something not to take for granted. When have you last felt that childhood excitement? Was it just the other day or has it been years? 

It's a precious emotion that is expressed so often in childhood but less and less as an adult I feel.

May you feel excitement this Christmas and beyond ~ 

xo