A Light to Shine In Us

 Christmas Eve

My little ones are so excited for today and tomorrow. These, besides their birthdays, are the most magical days of the year. What a gift to feel that wonder and magic and to know that there is such joy and excitement to be had. I get to help create that in them and foster that. 

In the journey of knowing who I am and how I have become who I am I am thankful that even if I don't get swept away with excitement maybe ever, I do feel deep wonder about many things. I feel joy in an almost painful way it is so precious and treasured, and magic is everywhere when you take a moment to look around you at the way the earth works in such harmony because of how it was created. This morning it is still dark out, the children are surrendered to slumber and I am sitting here thinking. The next two days are very full for me. The list of things to accomplish are staggering. This morning I am thinking about Mary and her journey to birth Jesus. 

 A mother and father have journeyed far ~ the mother heavy with child ~ achey and sore. There is nowhere for them to stay as the town is so crowded with people so they find shelter with stabled animals in some sort of outdoor shelter ~ some say it may have been a cave. It would have been dark, the smell would have been strong, and the animals would have been stirred by the excitement and presence of strange humans. They would not have been quiet. The mother is a first time mother and she is young. Her own mother and town midwife are not present. Did she know how to breathe through the contractions? The pain of labor is not something you can really imagine before hand. It is so intense and it is not often possible to remain silent. Did her husband know how to support her? Were the animals mooing or baaing or baying? Were they stomping and restless or were they quiet and supportive? Did she feel alone and scared? Were the animals comforting? Did strange midwives come to assist her? Did her husband know what to do? 

The baby arrives and they hear that first cry. When you have your first baby you don't realize the beauty of hearing your child's voice for the first time until it happens. This child was very special and they both know it. He is the son of God. They have not known what to really except, but when they hear His voice they are both filled with love and He is their child. Mary would have snuggled him close to keep him warm and would have latched Him as best she could to her breast. Nursing is something that has to be figured out that first time. I hope there was someone there to help her. After a time she would have needed to get cleaned up and would have needed to rest. There was no bed for the baby, she must have used something she had to swaddle him in and then would have looked around for somewhere to lay him. The floor would not have been an option. She gently placed him in a feeding trough for a few minutes to pull herself together as best she could. Oh it would have been so intense. Manure, blood, animals, noise, and that first night of just the wonder and yet bewilderment and also that love that just floods you, and the wonder of how you did that!? You birthed a baby that you grew inside you! It is beyond any feeling you can imagine. There is the reality of needing to diaper the baby, manage your own blood that is flowing, and find a resting spot amidst rats, fleas, manure, straw and more. Sometimes newborn babies sleep for quite a while after birth but my babies did not. I spent that first night holding them and nursing them. That first night is the most precious holy experience.

All of us as loving mothers know we didn't birth a Jesus but we have birthed children that we have hope for. It isn't the hope of them being a saviour. However we hope that this child will be kind and will offer goodness and light when they can. We hope that they will feel our love when they need it most. We hope, hope, hope. So much of mothering is about hope.

Mary was filled with hope and so much more. She went on to have more babies through the years and to raise Jesus as her own. She had one crazy birth story to share with her village and mother back home that would have been talked about again and again during the times of remembering. She would have remembered that shepherds suddenly showed up. A rough and tumble crowd that were wide eyed and sort of bewildered because they had seen a heavenly host of angels! They were being obedient and coming to see a newborn baby they have been told is a king. A newborn baby brings such softness to almost anybody. Their preciousness and vulnerability is this reminder of our essence. The whole scene ~ young Mary, a tiny baby, a stable, animals, shepherds fresh from the fields, Joseph, it is all just a louder, more intense, and yet holy and beautiful scenario for a new family to experience. To think that this baby changed everything for us. For you. 

Deciding to allow Jesus to be your voice of guidance and truth does not mean that your life is now easy. It does not take away the suffering of the world. It does not immediately mean that evil is gone. It does mean that your life changes course if you so choose. It means you have guidance, it means you have this eternal promise to walk towards, it means that in death you really have life, it means that you have hope and that you have love. It means that you can walk around with a peace to tangibly hold that passes all understanding in moments where otherwise there would only be darkness. This is what Christmas really is about. Every window of your soul can be wide open to receive at Christmas ~ allowing the light of all of this in.  

Jesus, thank you for coming to the world. Thankyou for saving us, for walking alongside us in our brokenness. Thankyou for shining your light in our darkness. Thankyou for convicting our hearts and teaching us truth. Thankyou for the hope of you.

xo

Thinking About A Mother

 My oldest daughter had her birthday a few weeks ago and I keep thinking about her birth mother. When I met her she was just freshly turned fifteen and very pregnant. She was sweet but also strong and she had her own mind. She was determined to have her baby and raise her baby and so her family had put her into foster care. 

There were so many moments that led up to her having her daughter in foster care and then gifting her daughter to my husband and I. We did not have our daughter move in with us until she was a year and a half old. She was with her mother for a long time.

This courageous choice was not supported by her family at all. At the court hearing her lawyer quit just as it started. She made the choice totally alone and represented herself to the judge.

Her courage and her kindness will always be one of the most heartfelt expressions of sacrifice and kindness I will experience. 

It's been many years since I have seen her. The last time I saw her she was in the emergency room of a hospital I was in. She was gaunt and frail and suffering the effects of drug use. All I could do was hug her. I was with little children (not my daughter) and so I couldn't stay.

 It is winter and cold out and it's Christmas time. When we first had our daughter with us her birth mother spent holidays with us. I just wish I could hug her and that she could see all her daughter has become. I hope it would help her find peace in her soul.

We all have more strength in us than we know. I hope that one day she can break free from the addictions and work through the pain. The work is so hard. For many people it is easier to stay addicted and suffering then walk forward in their pain and let it go. Freedom is never free is it and it's this continuous process of breaking off chains.

May we all walk forward choosing to fight for our freedom and may we all choose to see past ourselves and impact others for good. May we all choose courage and compassion and life. My daughter has been given everything by her birth mother and the choices she made for her daughter. It was the most courageous choice I have personally encountered in my lifetime. 

I wish I could tell her thank you 

Love From Jesus Just For You

  Christmas is in just a few days.

 I have tried to get all my shopping done but I keep needing to go get last minute things. I was in a really busy grocery store today ~ it was packed full of people pushing carts trying not to hit each other. There were sighs and smiles and patience and frustration. There was this moment that I witnessed that made me tear up. I was waiting at the end of an aisle in a passageway and an elderly couple saw someone they knew, another elderly lady, they both exclaimed her name and then wrapped her in a group hug. It was just the sweetest moment to witness. There was so much joy in their faces and to see her just enveloped in this beautiful embrace made me wish that someone would see me and feel the same. I finished my grocery shop and went to the last store I needed to go to that day. As I was walking the aisles I caught sight of a sweet lady that I have known my whole life. She was talking to someone else and so I didn't interrupt just kept on shopping. She saw me and when she was done talking she came over and hugged me! We ended up having a very kind conversation that felt heart felt and caring for me. I really needed it I guess. When you are looking for the moments of connection and looking for light ~ it does come to you. 

It is important to hold that close.

Seeing the couple embrace their friend felt like I got a hug, and made me long for that experience of sorts, and then it happened. 

I don't often meet people I know at the grocery store and not people that would hug me. This was a rare occurrence and it happened right after I expressed that longing in my mind and heart.

May you have these experiences when you deeply need them and see them for what they are ~

Love from Jesus

Just for you

Tansy

Excitement At Christmas

   Christmas is almost here. I have heard a few of my children remark that they are so excited for Christmas and that is really happy. They are excited because they have something to be excited for. That means I am accomplishing what I hope to accomplish! The mountains around us are covered in snow but down in our valley the grass is green and we have had twenty days of rain and grey clouds. There was a few minutes today when the sun came through and that was really lovely.  My husband is away, he was having a hard time with the rain and grey and our house being overwhelming and more. So he went away for two days just for a mental health break. Where he went is snow and sunshine and crisp cold. I think it was a really good choice for him and I hope it will sustain him for a while. 

   Do you remember being excited for Christmas as a child? I remember my mom used to bake gingerbread men and we could decorate them. I remember going out into the forest on our property with my dad and siblings to pick out a little scraggly but perfect tree for the big old farm house living room. I remember sitting in front of the cracking fires during the winter and writing stories. We didn't have a TV through my childhood years. I remember skating on our frozen creek in the winter. I feel like I was reenacting a moment from Little Women as I wore a skirt and scarf for a hat. I remember making strings of popcorn and Christmas decorations for the tree and paper chains for my bedroom. Sometimes at Christmas people would bring us hampers with gifts and food as sometimes my parents were struggling. I remember my aunties would buy me a jogging suit and I remember this amazingly perfect porcelain doll that had red hair and green eyes that they gave me. My aunties were so faithful in giving such sweet gifts and remembering us all. I am now forty three and they still remember my family and send money for gifts each year. My dad and mom would cook a turkey dinner for us and sometimes other family members. Christmas was something different than the every day. We were excited for it. 

  I hope that this year my children get up on Christmas morning filled with excitement. Excitement in anyone is something not to take for granted. When have you last felt that childhood excitement? Was it just the other day or has it been years? 

It's a precious emotion that is expressed so often in childhood but less and less as an adult I feel.

May you feel excitement this Christmas and beyond ~ 

xo

A Grandson Turning One

 One year ago today this precious soul entered the world looking exactly like his mama when she was born. He has healed wounds and has brought so much laughter and joy. He has brought about a maturing and growth in his parents. He has brought sweetness and gentleness to our family. He is a miracle and the one that made me Marmee.

May he protected as he grows. May he know the love of his family and of Jesus. May he walk in light and truth,

He is so loved.

Spiritual Warfare

 I have written a lot about the 'dark nights' in my life although not so much lately. Newly into my second year of marriage (on the anniversary of the first year of marriage actually) I started miscarrying and it turned into a long and drawn out ordeal. During this time is when the 'dark nights' started for me. This meant I would lie awake at night in utter agony ~ sometimes of soul, sometimes physically. I would steal away to the couch or the floor of the hallway to suffer, writhe in pain, cry ~ whatever it was so that I wouldn't wake my husband. I had no idea then that this was the beginning of something that I would experience night after night year after year.

After my son was born he spent years crying after dark. We would tuck him in and pray for him knowing that in about forty minutes or so he would start screaming and would be in agonizing pain. We went to doctor after doctor and did test after test but no one could say what the problem was. He also was just terrified of everything. He was consumed with fear.

Growing up my family had a lot of unexplainable happenings that seemed to come from a realm we could not see. They were unexplained, evil, and awful. 

On two separate occasions my parents (once) and then my mom (once) took time to learn about the spirit realm and what was maybe happening in their lives. They shared the information with me and felt so much hope that things could be different for our family and for a time it was. Then things would go backwards and get even worse.

When my husband and I were younger and our oldest kids were quite young, we started our own journey in learning about the spiritual realm. As a child growing up my husband had had numerous encounters where he saw or could feel spirits from another realm. I did not but I was aware of the battle being waged in my family. 

There are many cultures where communion with the spiritual realm is a very expected, sought after, or well understood occurrence. The culture here is very blinded to it and overall I feel that white people have written that off as hocus pocus.

Last night was another dark night for me. It is not even five in the morning here and I am awake and sitting on the couch. There was no point in going back to sleep because I was having nightmares. I rarely dream because I get too little sleep and my baby woke me up over and over last night. However I woke up to a nightmare that I knew if I went back to sleep it would keep coming back. It was worth it to get up. When I have a nightmare I know our family is under what I call, spiritual attack. There are other signs in our family that we are under spiritual attack. Once you recognize the signs they are very obvious. 

For our entire marriage this has been theme ~ and for my entire life this has been a theme. So much evil trying to steal so much ~ and why? WHY? What is so threatening about US? There is a verse in the Bible that says Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy, but that God comes so that we can have life and life more abundantly (John 10:10). This has been a common thread in my life and its' journey. I think there is a vendetta against me for having children. For continuing to have them. I am being made to suffer night after night in efforts to destroy my health and wellness. That may sound CRAZY to someone who has a. normal happy life and does not go through the things I have gone through. I would think it sounded crazy as well, but I have lived it. I live it all the time.

One of the things that is most harmed is my sleep. There have been times where no matter what I tried I would be woken hour after hour by the most random things so that I would never be really allowed to sleep. My children have been woken by pain over and over in their lives, woken by nightmares, woken by feeling evil in their room. 

What is the remedy to this? What do you do?

For years my husband and I didn't really know.

Then we went through something called ~ deliverance. 

It is a powerful process we went through with a pastor at our church.

We first went through our family history with him and identified what spirits may be attacking us or assigned to us based on what 'door's would have been opened in our history. So say you had a relative in the occult or you suffered sexual abuse. This would make you vulnerable to different spirits attacking you. There is also something called generational curses that are assigned to your family and handed down generation after generation. We learned about the important of breaking off soul ties with people that may have been formed through unhealthy relationships as well. It was so interesting and rang so true for us. After we had gone through extensive family history we went through the actual deliverance process. This is not really something you would want to do alone. It is very helpful to have someone who is a strong man or woman of God with a clear understanding of the spiritual realm go through this with you. It is a methodical process of a spiritual cleaning of your spiritual house. You rebuke the spirits that may be lurking and you invite the peace and healing of Jesus to come in place of any darkness and evil that has been trying to steal from you. This is something you will then do alone or as a couple through the rest of your life. As humans we sin and are not perfect and so we can 'open doors' again for evil to come in. We want to be aware of that and keep them away! If we do not they can come back stronger and more determined. 

The Spiritual world consists of angels and demon and then Satan and God. Dark and light. It is made very clear in the Bible. In Ephesians 6:12 it says, 'for our struggle is not against flesh and blood but against the rulers, agains the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.' I have lived this and so I believe it is true. It goes on to talk about putting on spiritual armour so that we can fight effectively against this evil. 

One night I remember my husband and I going to war together. My son had woken up yet again screaming in pain. We had suffered this for years and years. He was traumatized and his whole life was affected. He was not developing mentally, emotionally, or physically as he should. He was suffering. We had suffered alongside him. 

I remember so clearly that I put a post on Facebook asking people to pray and people responded that they were praying alongside us. It was late at night. My husband and I put worship music on in our home, we opened our Bibles, we started walking up and down our home and started to do war in the spirit realm for our son. 

This shifted something in our home. Never again could  the pain and darkness come with such ease and terror. After we did this when his pain would start again ~ because it did try to come time and time again ~ we would pray in the spirit with authority and with strength and it would leave immediately. My son could finally start to live a more normal life, but his life has been altered and hurt by this pain he physically experienced for so many years. However he was able to do so much better after this. 

He will suffer the consequences maybe forever because trauma does such a number on you. He is eighteen now and having a very hard time. I hope that as he grows up he will choose to fight for himself and go towards light and goodness. 

In many ways it may seem easier to give in to the dark.

That is a lie! IT IS A LIE!

Fight for light, fight for truth, fight for your destiny. Not just for YOU, but for the generations that come after you. 

Darkness comes every night ~ evil is there always ~ day or night.

Light always comes faithfully ~ the sun rises again and the SON, Jesus Christ, came and shed his blood so that YOU as a human being would have authority to stand your ground and fight evil. You are able to cast off your sin and shame and tell demons who have had this ability to attack you to leave in the name of Jesus.

This is the authority you have ~

You have the name of Jesus. 

There is such deep power in that name.

When you feel despair, when you feel evil near, when you feel trapped in anxiety or darkness, when you KNOW that evil is gaining ground

Open up your Bible to Ephesian 6:11 and read out loud all the way till verse 18. Then open the Bible to Psalms and pray Psalm 91 over yourself. Declare that you are child of God and in the name of JESUS you take authority over any evil that is attacking you, your household, your children, your future seed, and let that darkness know that it is not welcome, that you are shutting any doors, for it to LEAVE in the name of Jesus. You can demand specific spirits to leave like anxiety or depression or fear etc.

You can take oil and anoint every opening point in your home and go to the four corners of your property and claim it in the name of Jesus. You can pray and ask for angels to guard your property and your home. You can ask for Jesus peace to fill you.

The demons come time and time again. They attack over and over. They don't give up. Their tactics don't change. They are very predictable. HOWEVER, when you know how to fight, even in your tiredness, they have to leave. As a battle worn and scarred warrioress I still mess up, I give in, I wilt. However I always rise, I always fight. I will continue to.

Satan does not want you to succeed. Please fully realize the depths of the evil. He wants you to be killed, he wants your future stolen, he wants you destroyed.

But guess what

GOD has a beautiful future for you ~ one that has Him beside you every step of the way. A future that includes love and faithfulness and sanctification and eternal life. It does not mean an easy life or a life without hardship but it is a life of triumph over evil in eternity and a life of victory over death one battle at a time.

These are my thoughts at 5:22am on a Saturday morning after another long, hard, dark night.

May God go before us, behind us, beside us. May we know our authority in Him. May we walk in victory and strength. May we not give up but take up our crosses and follow Him. It is not an easy road but it is a road that leads to victory, always to light, and to Him!

Amen

What You Could Choose To Do If You Get Cancer

 I don't know if you have noticed but a lot of people in certain countries are getting cancer. It is an epidemic.

I have had cancer.

It's a terrifying life altering sickness to go through. Many die from it and some live. 

It totally altered the course of my life and changed how I view the world and how I have lived my life. 

If you get cancer can I offer you some advice?

Find healthy incredible support throughout the duration of the journey. A counsellor or friend ~ do not try to go through the journey mentally or physically alone. Connection is life giving.

Spend as many hours as you can by the ocean or in a forest and in cold clean water. Spend time in a sauna often. Make sure your water is filtered and clean. Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate.

Don't touch sugar, fast food, dairy or gluten. Eat organic meat and vegetables and fruit. Get rid of toxic makeup, shampoo's, dish soap etc. Stop smoking or drinking alcohol etc. 

Support your gut in every way you can,

Do a parasite cleanse

Consider saving your eggs or sperm if this could take your fertility and you are of an age where this would be an appropriate step.

Think about what a biopsy is. It might be wiser just to get the mass removed right away if possible. A biopsy can spread cancer cells. Don't take out a ton of lymph nodes if you don't need to. Do your research. Be an advocate for your own body. If you feel judged or dismissed consider finding another care provider if possible.

Don't just blindly trust your doctor. Get second opinions if necessary. Do your research. Don't fall into overwhelm for to long. Rise above and be your own best advocate or ask someone else to be if you are too ill. You are an individual and your doctor doesn't alway see that. They have a lot going on. 

If you have the financial means go to a cancer clinic in Mexico or elsewhere where technology is advanced and innovative and use some of their cancer healing services. Many people have been cured there. Chemotherapy is often not the only way and could be paired with other life saving cures. You need to find a good clinic though, they are not all the same. 

If you go the chemotherapy route support your body at the same time with hydration, vitamins and minerals and cleansing when the time is right. Drink nourishing organic broth with high quality salt every day, help your intestinal motility, rest and nourish not just your body but your soul. Listen to soul nourishing podcasts, listen to classical music, read quality beautiful books. Keep yourself free of filth and rubbish. 

Work through your anger and grief. DO NOT let it fester. 

Get a punching bag or a screaming pillow or something :)

If you are going to lose your hair and this feels hard for you ~ take some photos or do something to express how you feel. Let yourself work through the pain of it. It will grow back most probably but it might be totally different. 

Take time to do what you need to do to prepare for end of life ~ Find Jesus, make a plan for your family or your pets, organize and sort things, those sorts of mature and kind actions. It is the mature thing to do. 

If you have any bitterness ~ forgive. Cleanse yourself of bitterness ~ it is only hurting you. If you are full of anger you are actually probably full of rejection and pain ~ release that. It will only help you. If you need to apologize for sin~ do it. Make your life and soul right. Have a clean conscience. You may need to forgive God. I did.

Most importantly please know this.

You matter and you are loved.

Cancer is traumatic and painful and not deserved. It is terrifying and invasive. It strips you of many things.

Keep your head up, choose to be kind and strong and fight. Fight with all you have. It is worth it.

You. Can. Do. This

xo

Tansy