Leaving Me Behind

 How can you leave some vital part of yourself

Behind you

On a tract of land that

Somehow became a part of your soul

And when you go back

You find that part of you that you can never find

And the apple tree you loved

The tiny wild Violets

The spring garden with the Daffodils

And feeling whole

Well, it's some sort of feeling

Kind of the best

And you want to scoop

All of yourself up

And say ~ You'll be okay there too

Or anywhere

But does the moss robe everything in green?

Is Spring sunlight the same gladsome hue?

Do ferns grow in families every place you lay your eye?

Does your heart feel at peace?

Do you go forth singing?

Be You

 On the edge of a meadow

Do you step inside

Or do you sink down at the edge

Just.Too.Tired

Buttercups shining

Daisys delicate

The distant hum of bees

And all the little moments

Insects making their way on their journeys

Birds singing their joyful songs they always sing

And does your heart join?

You've put on a pretty dress

your cheeks are beautifully blushed 

But its your heart that needs to enter in

Needs to feel that easement

The way along

The day to day

Creating and giving

Caring and so much that it bleeds you dry

And trying to stay longer for us all

There is all of this you have given

Starting with your essense

The love of fashion, vintage, elegance, beauty

And wanting to share

You've shared

You've brought light and beauty and comfort

And you've brought joy and kindness

And empowerment

And sometimes a meadow and some peace

And some recognition of your resilience

All your capability

Is a necessity

So twirl and laugh

Be seven, and twelve, and fifteen, and twenty five, and thirty seven

Be all you've been and all you are

Brilliant and burning and bright and inner steel

Be broken and beautiful

The survivor and giver

You 

The Giver of Gifts

 I don't know why you choose to read the musings of my heart. I hope that through your reading you feel drawn closer. Is what I mean is ~ our whole purpose in life is to draw closer ~ to feel inspired and curious ~ to soften ~ this happens through different mediums. 

It's like there is someone behind us holding out the most perfect gift that could be given to you. Not just one gift but all the gifts you could ever need and you need to draw closer to receive them (I read this analogy in a George McDonald book and it resonated with me).

As you go through life you may realize that someone is there ~ that the gifts are there ~ but you may be held back by doubt, or sadness, or pain, or anger. You may forge forward and ignore the gifts waiting and blunder your way forward mostly blind. 

The giver is patient.

I have had instances where I have felt so known by this gift giver, more known than ever in my life and totally understood.

I have written previous posts about the times when I have only thought in my head of something I wished for ~ I never voiced the wish aloud ~ and then I was given the gift I wished for by someone random who could not have known. These are tangible gifts and maybe silly examples.

However when you are looking at your life more deeply than the normal ~ when you are listening to your conscience, but really the still small voice of God, and honouring what is being asked ~

The gifts come

Also the trials come, the pain, the loss, the grief ~ because along with the giver there is also the taker. May I suggest too that with the giver comes love. Love also brings along side it things that help you understand true love and that often involves pain and a growing of different depths of self.

There are so many mysteries to life ~ it is so much deeper than just what we see. There is depth to it all that I can't fully grasp.

Keep your eyes open wide so you don't miss your gifts. Always be asking what is meant for you to do today ~ to give of yourself ~ and to see others and what their hearts need ~ and be ready to receive the gifts you are given. It adds richness to your life. I can't do this every day. I am way too overwhelmed and distracted. The times though that I can slow things down and focus in on what is being asked of me truly? That brings the most fulfillment and peace.

xo

My Blood On Their Hands

 This is a possible trigger warning if you have gone through pregnancy loss, or chemotherapy, or if you can't handle blood please don't read this.

 I was reminded today about times people have had my blood literally staining their hands during times of trauma. It has been more than once. 

I have gone through two miscarriages that involved a lot of bleeding. One time I was at a function and I didn't know it yet but I had a major tumour inside of me. If I didn't get it dealt with I would eventually bleed to death. While I was at the function I started to haemorrhage. I ran upstairs to the bathroom and my friend followed me. I was weak and shaking and she took my clothes and started washing them. They were soaked in blood.  I cry as I write this. She was so kind and selfless as my blood poured over her hands as she washed the clothing. She also lent me her clothing as mine were ruined.  I was so embarrassed and she was so kind. I got myself put somewhat back together and we went back to the function. A few days later I was admitted to the hospital and she drove me. I started chemotherapy that would save my life ~ and also alter it forever.

Fast forward multiple years and I am going to experience another miscarriage. I am home with my children and can feel the contractions getting incredibly strong. My husband is at work and has no intention of coming home. I message two friends ~ both who have babies and both who live far away. I don't ask them to come I just let them know that I think I am losing the baby. They jump in their cars and start driving. When they arrive I am sitting on my shower floor covered in blood. I am weak to the point of passing out and can't get up. Both of these friends ended up with my blood on their hands. One of them put my baby in a jar for me to bury. One of them showered me off and wrapped me in blankets. They made my husband come home and help carry me to bed. He had not fully understood the gravity of it all and came running when he knew. 

My husband has also had my blood on his hands.

Some of us grow up knowing life is going to be challenging. We just have an inner knowing. This is maybe because life has never been easy from our first breath. However, we can't know what is to come. That is the gift of not knowing the future. Something I have learned is that we can choose to remember the gifts given us during the trauma even if they are few. 

I have been blessed to receive many many gifts through traumatic experience and loss. I have had people who were stained by my blood and when I apologized they waved it off. They willingly walked with me through the pain and hardship and trauma.

I wanted to say today to you ~ that as the Christmas season approaches, as a Christian, I am thinking a lot about Jesus coming to earth as a baby to save the world. He came to heal, He came to love, he came to shake up the way people did things, He came. Eventually he shed his blood and took our sin. Before he came the only way to atone from sin was through the shedding of blood. He shed his. It is hard to really comprehend this for me. However when I think of moments in my life when someone has done something so selfless and so caring for me ~ like the moments I shared above ~ I can understand more ~ and the thankfulness I feel I can't describe.

I hope as you walk through your life ~ whether you are in a prolonged season of pain and trauma or whether life is actually lovely right now ~ I hope you know that you are loved dearly and perfectly. I hope you can FEEL that love from Jesus.

If you are struggling to feel that love ~ please ask Jesus to show you how He loves you.

He will

xo Tansy

Thinking Ahead to Spring and Snowdrops

  One of the most beautiful and precious things my mother imparted to me was the wonder and excitement of Spring. Almost every year my mother will ask me if I've seen a Robin yet, and she will tell me that she has spotted Snowdrops on her walks. It is pouring rain today ~ so.much.rain.is.falling. We have not seen a hint of the sun for many days now and this continues for months. Vitamin D levels drop dangerously and depressions can set in. However, we have early Springs here and glorious ones. When the sun finally comes so do profusions of colours in blossoms and it is magnificent. My two year old opened up one of my old journals today and it landed on this little poem written in February 2021. 

Thankyou to the Snowdrops

I caught a glimpse of you

As I yanked open curtains

While my six year old wailed

His angst against the world

I felt haggard, dusty, and aged

As I looked out into a grey world

But there you were

Survivors of the cold wind and icy realities of your world

Reminders to anyone who will look

That Spring is coming again

That it always will

No matter what.

You look delicate, beautiful

And you are mighty

Snowdrops

I am aware that parts of the world do not have seasons like we do here. In many ways living with a lot of sun is such a gift. Then there are those who face winter months in much more extreme darkness and grey than I do. They are brave and amazing! I was so incredibly thankful for Autumn and its profusion of color this year,  and felt an almost anxiety at the falling of the leaves. God help me through winter this year. Please help me remember that the Snowdrops will come soon and help me treasure what I have now. May God help you to in whatever way you need. We are never alone.

xo

Gifts

What is one of the most memorable gifts you have ever been given?

What is one of the best gifts you have ever given to someone?

I love to give gifts and at Christmas my mind is pretty occupied with what I could give someone that would make them feel known and loved. It is the perfect opportunity to be a version of myself that I appreciate. 

When my oldest children were young we started a tradition of doing a name draw so that they would have a chance to practice purchasing gifts that were for other people and truly thinking about what that person would want. We opened those gifts on Christmas Eve. I remember my one child who especially loves giving gifts wanted to get his older sister a diamond. He was only about three years old at the time so I have no idea where that thought came from, but it was the sweetest, and he did buy her a 'diamond' necklace!

One of my friends has a tradition where she gets her young son to go and give gift cards to people he feels would like or need them, but that he does not know, in a public setting. She also gets him to drop gifts off to neighbours. I think this is so lovely.

I have given many many gifts to people over the years. I love to do it. Some years my mind is sharp and the opportunities come to give gifts that really do impact people and help them feel known. Other years there is too much going on and I can't quite get into the right zone.

If you thought back through the years what would be the first gift you can remember receiving in your life? I know not everyone celebrates the Christmas season or lives a life of lavish gift giving. However I feel like most people have been given a gift and it does not need to be anything extravagant. A gift is a gift. 

A gift can be a compliment that you've never forgotten, a caring gesture that someone did for you when you were feeling unseen or unloved, a gift can be a kind look, a hug ~ a gift can be a flower growing through a crack in a cement sidewalk.

I hope today that you feel like you have lived a lifetime filled with gifts. There is so much power in gratitude which is what gifts give us the opportunity to flood our mind and soul with.

xo

Tansy

                                                                     My greatest gifts

Family Photos 2025

   My husband and I started dating a few weeks before he left to live in South Africa for six months. Before he left our mutual friend took photos of us. She went on to take engagement photos, wedding photos, maternity photos, grief photos, birth photos, newborn photos....she document our lives until six years ago when she moved away. She also put her camera away at that time. Since then I have been taking photos of my children each year by myself and my husband and I have not been in them. This year my husband expressed really wanting family photos but I did not prioritize it because they are expensive and we have a lot of other expenses on our plate.

However, God cares about the details and He cares about what matters to your heart. My daughter mentioned her dear friend was taking family photos of them and I mentioned that her dad had wanted us to all get photos. She asked her friend and her friend said yes. This darling girl is so talented and such a hard working woman. Our photos ended up being on a dark November day that threatened rain. We had to coordinate all sorts of schedules and kept trying to move the photos to be able to take them without rain but the second we left our home the rain started. By the time we left it was pouring rain. 

However the photos are lovely and I am so thankful to have these. 

Our family is a bit of a gong show. My husband and I struggle in so many ways but in the end our heart beats for our family and for their future. Our life is centred around these miracles and they are just that. Each person you see in these photos? Miracles.