Wonder

  A friend mentioned to me that she wanted to see wonder more in her life and that got me thinking about it. Today it was everywhere. 

 Right now I have a one year old that is becoming her own person. She can't talk in sentences and just knows a few words and right now so much of her world has to do with me. It is such an honor I can't fully express the beauty of it. She just wants 'up' 'up' and she sees me in pictures on the walls and points me out. She wants me to snuggle her and put her new boots on her and take her everywhere and the absolute wonder of this love. I am so thankful to have gotten to experience it. 

 My five year old today told me that she was sorry she had said I was as horrible as Satan :) We were on a walk in the cold and dark. It had just stopped raining and I was carrying the baby and we were walking the dog. My five year old feels things so deeply and is able to express things articulately and recognize what she is going through. So we were talking about all sorts of sad happenings. She has celiac disease and that causes her so much sadness, we are rehoming our dog and that is breaking her heart ,and there are other things she needed to talk about. I was trying to tell her how beautifully she was expressing everything and working through it and she just welled up with tears saying that she felt so bad about some horrible things she had said about me in anger. We were just walking along in the dark and just had our wonder moment and it was the most precious.

 Myself and my oldest daughter and my two youngest daughters went to a store today and my oldest had her new born baby. My one year old was running away over and over as fast as she could :) So my oldest let her run while I kept the sleeping new born and picked out some clothes for my baby. My oldest was expressing thankfulness that she had not had to have a c section and felt so strong and able to manage the heavy one year old at just two weeks postpartum....that whole scenario? Wonder

 The rest of my family is away right now at a property that is so beautiful and full of snow. Where we live there is grey rainy days on repeat and no snow. Their joy at being there and being in the snow....You got it ~ Wonder

It's always there even in the darkest hours ~ the wonder. Yesterday I was having panic attacks and crying on repeat and wishing that I could pull it together ~ feel less~ be more etc etc and it was hard to be in that. Today I cleaned for hours and wished I was with my family and yet there was wonder all around me.

May there be wonder all around you and may you see it

xo 

As The Year Ends

 

2024 is drawing to a close. Today I listened to my friend preach to her congregation about taking time to think back through the year ~ to reflect. 

This year for me has been quite challenging. I feel like I have aged a lot. My body feels sore and tired and my skin looks it. I have nursed a baby every day this year. I have not slept through the night one time or even for more than six hours straight. Sleeping six hours straight has only happened a few times. However my baby has grown beautifully and is thriving. As the year ends she is running, walking backwards, climbing, saying many small words, she is blowing kisses and understanding so many words.  This year I helped plan and make happen a wedding of over one hundred people for my daughter in a very short time. The strain of this was immense. This year I am homeschooling the most children and the most grades with no outside help or support with a nursing baby. This year I took a stand in my marriage that I had not in the past and have also been going through a lot with my oldest son. 

This year I travelled for the first time since 2006. It was a highlight of my year.

This year I became a Marmee when my oldest daughter had her son just ten days ago. This was a beautiful, redemptive, miraculous moment for me.

This year I have chosen to get up and get to work over and over again when so many mornings I wanted to stay in bed and just say enough ~ I give up! I just did the next right thing over and over again.

Another year comes and I have the privilege to do that again I hope. My baby will move closer and closer to being a toddler and will start forming her opinions and becoming her own person. My five year old will turn six and my ten year old eleven. My fourteen year old will be fifteen and my seventeen year old will graduate and turn eighteen. I will have a child that will turn twenty one and will have her own one year old baby. I hope I can capture all the moments you know? That I can see them for what they are and hold them close. 

Like right now my fourteen year old is making turkey broth under duress. She has ZERO desire to cook or bake anything unless it's her idea. However I have certain responsibilities I feel to teach her kitchen basics and she is taking Foods Ten. Her commentary right now is so hilarious. She has decided she will never make a turkey dinner when she is a mother or an adult. She is ordering pizza every time. She has decided to become a vegetarian. She is telling me that this turkey has been in the 'danger zone' for far too long and she is going to contract salmonella (she just did a food safe course). She is not often my most vocal child. She has even been attempting to quote some scripture about how this is not ethical. It has me in stitches. 

All the moments

All the joy

xo

Christmas 2024

   Christmas has come and is now past. This year felt extremely special to me. There were so many reasons for this. My daughter just gave birth days before and so we had this tiny new human in our family that was so sweet and brought so much wonder to our home. I don't take many things for granted if I can help it and so the fact that we could go get a tree, that my sisters came over to my home to celebrate, that my dad drove out, that my children were all with me, that we had presents to open and the list goes on. I am going to randomly write out some hightlights from this Christmas as the baby is magically asleep and I might have the time. 

  Christmas in my home happens a lot because of the effort that I put out. My husband did not grow up in a home that celebrated anything and so he could take it or leave it. This year, though, I noticed that he participated more than usual and commented on how much he was looking forward to it which was so special. We have a few traditions each year. One of them is our Christmas Eve gift exchange. This year my husband wanted our new son in law to have this Christmas be one he would never forget. When my husband married into my family they did the same for him. He never forgot that first Christmas. So he got our son in law a gift that was extravagant that my son in law had wanted for years. The reaction did not disappoint. One of the most special parts about it though was that my husband had thought of it himself and my oldest son had contributed financially all on his own. A giving heart means so much to me. I see it as such a strength and such a benefit to a soul. I loved that my husband and son had such extravagantly giving hearts and that it made Christmas so special.

  This year our mail service went on strike and so we could not send Christmas cards or receive mail. I had ordered some gifts that were coming in the mail and they could not arrive and so one of the orders was cancelled. It was an order for my daughter and I felt quite worried about how to make that gift a reality. My mother in law (who does not really celebrate Christmas) stepped in and made the gift for me. I was so thankful for such kindness.

 When my extended family came to my house on Boxing Day I was pretty worn out already. However, between my sisters and daughters we made a full turkey dinner complete with stuffing, mashed potatoes, salads, buns, hot vegetables and desserts. Then my one sister who has not come to a family gathering in many years came as a surprise. It was so so SO special to see her there. All of my sisters and I were together in one room in my home! What a gift. All I want is to buy a property that we can all live on in separate houses and just be together for dinners sometimes you know? I love my siblings.

 On Christmas Day we have a lady come over for breakfast that we love dearly. She is not related by blood but we love her like family. She brings a breakfast casserole and stays for the gift opening. She does not have children so I think we wear her out pretty quickly but we just so love having her here. This year my little daughter snuggled in right beside her and just glowed with joy. I don't see that joy in her often sadly and so that filled my heart so full. I wanted to capture it and bottle it and just hold it so so so close! That mixture of delight and being delighted in just is priceless and so vital to our souls.

 This year we got one of our daughters a drum kit. We don't have room for one in our home but we have this storage unit in our driveway and even though it is winter she has been out there all hours drumming away. I have this wish that all my children would take up some sort of musical instrument as they are all so naturally talented musically but so stubborn as well. I don't have it in me to fight them in regards to practicing. She is teaching herself and has a natural rhythm and it is so fun to see. 

 There have been so many sad, hard, intense or devastating and absolutely exhausting Christmases in my life. When you come from a family that struggles in many ways a good Christmas means the world! I am so thankful and so tired :)

 Now onto a New Year. A New Year. May the Lord be with us, bless us and keep us, may His face shine upon us and give us peace.

Life in Picture Form

 

After 25 hours of labor and a long hard night this sweet baby is the most precious reward!

                                                         Our Christmas tree this year :)

                                                          A fun art moment with friends

                                               The joy of going on one of your first swing rides

                                                           Craft fair season is my favourite :)

             Siblings are such gifts to each other. This brother is an especially sweet one.

                                                                My daughter and her dog

                     A baby shower for my daughter. This cake was gluten free just for me.

                                                                 My sister's back yard

                                                               An April Cornell moment

                                                                               Sisters

                                                           Another April Cornell moment

                                                                  Friends since age eight

Marmee

 When my daughter told me she was pregnant I felt no shock at all. She burst into tears as she told me and stood before me full of trepidation. She was not married and was only nineteen. There are moments when I wonder if I have a touch of the Irish second sight you read about. I don't, but I do believe in Jesus and the Holy Spirit, and sometimes I know of things to come before they arrive. For example I knew I would get pregnant with a son at a certain time years before it came to be. With my daughter and her news I had  already seen it happen in a vision of sorts.  I told my husband my premonition and so he was not shocked either when we found out. I felt calm and steady because I had been forewarned. My daughter went on to get married and on Friday she had her precious baby. She had a son that she named after her father, her husband, and her Papa. I was at the birth.

This I did not foresee. Attending the birth of my grandson was not something I imagined would be in the cards. My daughter and I have struggled in our relationship as she is adopted and I was not her chosen mother. I have done what I could but I was so limited in my knowledge of attachment and had so little parenting tools when she moved in. If I could go back....but it's too late, and there are prices to pay for choices made.  She moved out of the house when she was seventeen and she was angry. She put good distance between her and I and I could not see a way forward. I did what I could and I tried to love and support in any way I could. Fast forward to August of this year ~ my pregnant and married daughter moved into our basement suite with her husband. She gave birth on Friday morning and I was with her. I was there. I still feel in awe of this.

I was one of the first people to see the face of my grandson as my daughter birthed him. She was strong and brave and full of all the beauty a woman can possess. I held her leg as she pushed out her baby boy and watched him take his first breathe and squint at the light the world offered. I heard his first cry and heard her first exclamations of greeting and comfort.

Miracles do happen

And miracles don't. 

At the same time that my daughter is choosing life and beauty my mother is choosing something far different, and it's so deeply sad. Her choices have impacted every corner of her life and my life as well. The weight of the grief of my mother and her choices have aged me and weighed on me in more ways than I could ever express. Since some of my earliest memories I have begged God to help my mother and to bring her joy and healing. This has never become reality.

This is the tangible truth of life. You hold both deep joy and fathomless grief. You enjoy and laugh while also feeling sadness and being on the brink of tears. We long to only feel good and joy and happiness and to get away from the draining of the grief. We disassociate and numb and do all the things to get away from it. However there are so many hours where it's just there and we can't. Lately at night when I finally lie down it is often 2am. As soon as I lie down my face starts to go numb. My lips feel cold and tingly. My body is going through so much. 

I know yours is too. This time of year holds so much. 

May we have the strength we need to continue on

And may we revel in the miracles while at the same time feel the weight of the grief that is so often there as well

May your Christmas be a revelation of the gift that Jesus is. May you feel His love and presence close.

Tansy

The Gifts and Trials of Homeschooling

 I have homeschooled my children for about fourteen years. I still feel like an absolute novice and totally out of my league.  Since it's been so many years I don't think that will change. None of my children love to learn from me or take any sort of direction and so homeschooling is like walking on lego for me. 

Something about homeschool that I feel is a bit authentic to me is the morning collective that I attempt most mornings. My older children do not love it for the most part and it's a challenge but because it is a small piece of me that I can give, I keep on. 

We read from the Bible and I read my grandmother's poetry to them. I also read a novel. I talk about all sorts of things that come from the depths of my heart. There is often a baby that wants to nurse and cry or a toddler to whine or a teenager that wants to project scorn. It has not often been an easy joyful thing. However there have been really special morning collectives that have warmed my heart.

I remember one collective we watched you tube videos of countries cultural dances. That was incredible! We talked about the beautifully diverse world we live in and how so many countries have these intricate and life giving cultures that are expressed in so many amazing ways.

Another collective I remember is listening to a song called 'The Blessing' that was covered by the UK during Covid. Other countries also did this but the first one we watched was the one from the UK and it was so powerful. I knew that I knew that it was the smallest taste of what heaven would be like. Covid was so isolating and so mentally and emotionally damaging and that song and the way countries sang it together was just healing.

This morning our collective was pretty standard ~ many many interruptions and power struggles and the baby needing to nurse, and yet there I was, and there they all were in my living room again. They have no idea how they have been blessed by me. They don't know any different. They will never fully understand the gifts they have been given in being home. However I know. I know! and today I felt the gifts even in the struggles and sacrifice. We talked about Jesus coming to the world as a baby and how angels appeared to shepherds ~ first just one angel with the glory of God around him but then a whole heavenly host appeared! The shepherds were overcome and scared but also totally in awe. They ran to see the baby and then told everyone they saw what had happened. 

My oldest daughter is due to have a baby any day and the gift this baby already is to our world is staggering. Try to fathom then how Jesus has been a gift to every single soul. If I was not homeschooling I would not have sat down and taken the time to share with my children about these thoughts. Homeschooling, as sacrificial as it is, and hard as it is for me, is so incredibly worth it. I hope as my grandchildren grow I will have a chance to also help homeschool them. 

What a gift my life is. I have worked so so hard to achieve what I have right now and I am so grateful.

My current noise maker during morning collective 

Craft Fair Moments

   November is already over. It was a blaze of glory really. The Autumn leaves were stunning this year and we had some days of sunshine that brought joy and delight. My favourite thing about November now that I am an adult is the craft fairs I attend. I have attended an all time high this year ~ six!

The season started off with one of the biggest craft fairs around. I have gone for years and years and I know different vendors and have my favourites I love to support. Our family has a tradition that we all go together to this craft fair. Everyone finds a treasure that warms their hearts and we wander around and enjoy. Some years have been quite challenging and some years just magical and this year was a magical one. Some friends of ours came as well and all my children were there and my heart. Oh my heart. It just felt like for that moment in time I had done something right. I had done something that mattered. It sounds silly to write that, and I can't explain it, but everyone WANTED to be there ~ at a craft fair ~ with me. I am so thankful.

The next craft fairs were smaller and sweet and I saw a purse I wanted. My current purse was a shredded rag. I did not buy it though for multiple reasons. I found more treasures and so did my children who were with me. Then the week after I went to another craft fair and there was the purse again and I bought it. So I have a new purse. That doesn't happen often. I might be getting another purse as well. Two purses! What luxury. 

Why do I love craft fairs? There are multiple reasons. Craft fairs remind me of my grandmother's who I loved dearly. This year I found a small quilt that had fabric in the same pattern that my grandmother used to make dresses for me! I felt teary eyed. 

Craft fairs hold really good energy for me. People are often filled with a certain kind of joy because they are displaying a true authentic beautiful part of their self through their work. It is an environment I love to be a part of. 

When I am at craft fairs I am often looking for something and I don't often know exactly what it is but when I see it or I don't....then I think what could I add or what do I wish I could add.

This year I missed my favourite basket makers. They both have passed on or at least one of them have and so now all I have is baskets made by their hands to treasure and I am so grateful for that.  I wish there was someone new who made baskets. I wish people had wooden candlesticks and beautiful linen aprons with embroidery and ruffles or lace. I wish there were more leather crafters out there who made amazing bags and belts. I wish there was a potter who specialized in tiny little treasures and art scenes. I wish there were more glass artists. I live in a smaller town and so I know in bigger towns or other countries these would not be so rare but here these are what I wish to see. I would have loved to see more wool felting of whimsical animals and dolls. I wish there was someone that knitted adorable little gnome hats for babies.I wish there were quilted jackets and knitted sweaters in my size. 

But there were tiny intricate snow flakes that someone had crochet and there were beautiful bees wax candles and tiny wooden dolls and there was local honey and walnut shell Christmas tree ornaments and the list goes on and on.  

The fairs all have been so lovely and there have been so many treasures that I have enjoyed.

I am not sure if I will go to another craft fair this year and if I don't I am just so thankful for all I did choose to attend and I am thankful for my children who enjoyed them as well.

Happy first day of Advent

May hope fill your heart

xo