Thankful

  Remembrance Day is coming up and I just read a novel called, The Alice Network, that involved woman spies in World War One. I have great grandfathers and grandfathers who fought for our country and its freedom in both World War One and World War Two. In reading about these, woman who actually existed, and who sacrificed everything for their country, it got me thinking.

 Lately I have been pretty overwhelmed, more than usual let's say. Some of this overwhelm is self induced. We are set to move and are doing renovations on multiple places. I have multiple children with all sorts of different needs and have been mothering for a long time. I walk around in a fog and a lot of my thoughts contain negativity.

  However, perspective is so great to attain. Reading about these woman who were in peril every single day, who had to starve, go through horrific situations, death by firing squad, prison, torture, and the list goes on, and my life now....because of their sacrifice?! My life is exquisite, it is amazing, it is perfection!

I have NOTHING to complain about in any sense of the word. 

 God bless every single man and woman who fought, who ended up with trauma, scars, and pain. I am so deeply grateful. I am so thankful. Words do not do justice to how I feel. 

May I carry this with me as I go forward into November and the busy coming months. 

Who Are You?

 Who are you?

Why are you the way you are?

Do you think you are living an authentic life? Are you living a life that feels right?

I often think about that.

Who am I? How much of me is because of my history and all I have gone through? I mean all of me is, but is it who I was supposed to be? 

Does that make sense?

Who I am right now. Is this who I was meant to be?

In all honesty,  I don't think so, not fully.

I think being a mother was my calling, yes. However I don't think being such an exhausted mother who struggles so much is how it is supposed to be.

If my reality was different, if I had more boundaries, more strength, more confidence and all the things; I would have been a different wife, mother, and daughter too.

It feels like most of my life I have had to walk upstream in a strong river and it's been so tiring. The river was men who abused women around me and who abused me and my siblings. The river was a mother damaged by mental health issues and trauma. The river was many things and I just took step by step upstream, sometimes I was swept under and had to fight to get up and keep going. My shoulders are bowed under the weight of it all as a chiropractor told me once. He asked me if I had gone through a lot of trauma in my life. He said my stance was one that was braced for what was coming. Always braced, always ready. 

After getting married I hoped my husband would love me and see me and support me. I married someone who was taught all his formative years that women were on earth simply to submit and serve and that men were to be obeyed and served. I have been nothing to his family and in many ways have struggled to hold value to him. 

 This has felt like the underlying theme in life. 

I have been this little girl asking her dad to stop screaming at her crying mom. I have been this little girl telling my grandpa as he yelled blustered and threatened, to stop, to back off. I have been a little girl walking behind the yelling screaming volleyball coach, yelling to the players that they are amazing and telling him to back off and stop. I was yelled at by my father just last week and called names because I cleaned his bathroom. I have fought and fought to have some sort of value, some sort of voice. I have been a mother that her children do not necessarily respect and who they find annoying as I try to forge a different path that they know nothing about. They have not been threatened or yelled at or abused by men. They have been protected from their grandfathers and they have been protected from so many things I have not been. They don't understand, and that's a happy fact. 

I am a product of my environment and that is okay. It is helpful to have the understanding. The chance to have empathy for myself.

Sometimes though, I wonder what I would have been like if the babysitters didn't abuse me, if my mother didn't have anorexia and mental health issues, if my dad hadn't had so much trauma and anxiety that spiralled to a trauma response of fight over everything. I wonder what it would have been like to have one kind man in my life who was safe and wise and Godly (as a child). I wonder what it would be like to have supportive, kind, empathetic, mature, caring in-laws. I wonder what it would be like to have a mom who was able to love. 

You know? 

Maybe you don't, and what a blessing that is.

I am not saying that I am ruined or that my life is awful because of these things. If it sounds like I am complaining, I don't think I am. I just wonder sometimes. My parents did so much good for us. My grandparents as well. I love my parents and I loved my grandpa. I recognized their pain and their histories. I am thankful for my in laws and all they have done for us as well. 

But still, who would I be? Who would my children be?

Who would you be?

To The Lonely Mother

 To The Lonely Mother,

  I have been a mother now for twenty one years or so. I started my mothering journey by adopting a little one and half year old girl, and when she moved in I was pregnant. Six months later I had a just turned two year old and a newborn who screamed all the time in pain. None of my friends had babies yet and life was bewildering, so deeply hard, and the challenges were new every day. I was tired to the point of hallucinating and my birth experience had left me with physical pain for a year. At that point I didn't struggle with loneliness too much as my friend lived with me and my sisters or mom stopped by often to help. As the years past however I started to feel lonely. 

 There is a daily grind with motherhood and my marriage has never been very strong in terms of feeling attached and safe. I wanted to feel a connection and a sense of well being, of purpose. Motherhood is not all that easy. It is a lot of the same tasks day after day. If you are breastfeeding the demand of your body and your time is taxing. It drains you literally dry. On the good days you can maybe attain a sense of purpose and you can train your brain to go to positive and life giving thoughts. However it can't take away from the loneliness of serving little children that sometimes hits like a ton of bricks. 

If you are lonely here is what I want to say.

It's a hard feeling isn't it? 

Isolating. You can start to lose reality a bit and think you are the only one. 

When you are lonely I want you to do a few things if you want to:

Number One ~ hug each of your children because hugs help us connect and ground us, and say a prayer of thanks for the gifts of your children or child. 

Number Two ~ go look in the mirror and acknowledge how you are feeling and tell yourself the truth in the situation. Even if the truth is brutal face it. Then wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a hug. Let yourself know that you are doing a good job and that your needs matter. 

Number Three ~ text someone you love and trust that you are feeling lonely or even, gasp, call them on the phone!!!

Number Four ~ turn on a story or podcast that engages you and is not scary or fractious, or turn on music that is life giving. 

Number Five ~ consider making yourself a warm drink that feels soothing and then stepping outside and touching grass or a tree to ground yourself. If you can't connect with another adult you can connect with the earth and with yourself and that is better than drowning in loneliness.

For some people who struggle with attachment feeling lonely is actually terrifying. That might be good to recognize if that is you.

Also something to keep in mind is that God is always with you. He loves you and He is mighty to save. 

 I personally do not believe that motherhood is a calling that is meant to be accomplished alone. I see other cultures where mothers are supported daily by their extended family whom they live with. I observe villages where mothers are never without another mother around. In my mind this is how it is SUPPOSED to be and the culture where I live is very much separate. There are groups in my town that young mothers can go to and other support groups for pregnant mothers. However, going to these places with toddlers or children with higher levels of needs do not necessarily feed a mother the way she may need it. Also she still goes home to a house that lonely. I have been thankful to be in the same house with my daughter who has two children now. I have been able to support her in many ways that hopefully have helped her feel a little less overwhelmed and lonely. 

 I also think it is important to point out that I tend to a be a homebody. Going out does not necessarily fill me. My daughter is out almost every day with her children. So when I am feeling lonely often I have not left my house for a few days and when I do I don't necessarily have friends to spend time with either. 

 I think also that you don't necessarily know what you have when you always have it. Also there are probably lots of mothers out there in a similar culture who don't feel lonely? I don't know. I wonder if it has to do with secure attachment and then the opposite of that which is me. 

However, I do know that life with babies and toddlers is just a whole different thing. It is demanding, full on, and I would think that most mothers feel bewildered and overwhelmed at times that this is their actual life now, especially if they came from a full time job where they felt competent, creative and accomplished.

I am just writing this in solidarity. You may be lonely, exhausted, overstimulated, feeling like you just wish you felt a sense of peace, or accomplishment, or energy, or whatever it may be. 

I hope that those moments come. I hope that people step up to support you and walk along side you. I hope that there is so much joy in motherhood and I hope that you have a village around you. If you don't, and you are lonely, know that you are not alone IN your loneliness, and that you are worthy of connection, love, care and kindness okay :)

Love Tansy

What Being Groomed Looks Like ~ A Bit Of My Story

  My mom went back to work when I was about five months old and again when my sister was two weeks old. Some of the babysitters we were left with were unsafe and abused us. I was just a baby so I don't remember, but my mom tells me I would come home with hickys on my neck. My mom chose to not do anything about it and I continued to spend time at that house and be with the person who abused me until my twenties. My sisters and I have not talked much about what happened to us but I know we have all been affected in different ways. 

 The thing that stands out to me the most is the way I was groomed and didn't realize until I was twenty years old that the way I was touched by this person (one of my babysitters) was totally inappropriate.

 I remember the day I realized so clearly. My parents knew of the allegations against this person that my sisters and I had, but they never seemingly really cared or protected us from him. So on this day my dad had asked this person over to do some work at our house. I answered the door and was on the phone with a friend. This person picked me up, pressed me against him and kissed me on the lips  (I WAS TWENTY YEARS OLD), and for the first time it felt so deeply wrong. I told the person to put me down and stop and my friend asked what was happening. When I told her she was deeply disturbed and told me that was NOT normal. From then on I really realized the depth of how unsafe my sisters and I were as tiny babies, toddlers, young girls and so on. I also felt the grief and weight of my unprotected life. I felt bewildered that I didn't realize how wrong things were for so long. 

 When I tried to talk to my mom about it she made it clear that her career had mattered more than anything and that she just chose to turn a blind eye. There wasn't really any remorse it was just what it was. Even though I was an adult I felt the horror of how a mother could care so little for her vulnerable babies. I know that my mother is mentally unwell and that my parents both have many struggles. That does nothing for the hurt of the situation. 

 I saw this person some years ago in a store with my oldest daughter. They came up to me and kissed my hand and said something about me being a beautiful girl and knowing me as young girl and my daughter's reaction said it all. She shrank back and asked me who that was in a voice that knew what they had done was off. It made me sad that I never knew it wasn't right and not normal and that that had happened to me for so many years, and that no one had ever stood up for me or cared. I was thankful my precious daughter knew immediately that that was wrong. 

 This person is still alive (but very old) and my sisters and I saw this person recently at a funeral and our reactions to seeing this person was one of revulsion. Once again our parents, who were also there, had ZERO awareness or protection for us. This person tried to come to talk to us multiple times and it was quite hard. My husband protected us and that was a first for us. 

 A few years back I observed a young vulnerable girl being groomed at a party. She was about eight years old. Anywhere I am I am always watching, always observing, always trying to stay safe and keep my children safe. I watched this little girl be touched, complimented, singled out, called a pet name, and taken places away from everyone by someone who had no business doing this, and I felt sick. She felt so special and so cared for and so safe, but if only she knew how unsafe she was. I went home and told my husband. He had no real understanding of it. I felt I had to tell this girl's parents. I wrote a message to the girl's mom and told her my story and what I had observed. I explained that even IF this individual was not grooming her she was learning unsafe practices with older males. This person was in a place of authority and also in a place of having unfettered access to young children and babies. He was trusted. Subsequently the individual doing the grooming at that party got caught doing much worse things to children. My gut instinct was one hundred percent correct. 

  It is hard to live a life of fear and always trying to protect, protect, looking for the victims, the innocent ones that need SOMEONE to care. Guess what, I will care. Often to my detriment. I will care. I will say something, I will make the call to the child protection services, I just will. 

Why write this?

 I think just because maybe there is a parent out there that needs to re think choices they are making for their little one. Or maybe you as a parent need to talk to your girls and boys about safe touch and appropriate attention from adults. 

 No adult male should be singling out a child in a large group of other children, complimenting only them, touching only them, taking them out just them, coming up with a pet name for them, making them feel so safe and so special. This sets them up so that when the time comes to start the abuse they trust them.

 Every children deserves to be taught about safe touch, not having secrets with adults, and if you send your child to a house where they can be alone with an adult your child needs to have a lot of knowledge around how to keep themselves safe. 

Abuse happens so easily and often by trusted individuals. It is heart breaking. 

I can't really express the damage that has been done to my life, to my nervous system, my soul, my heart, from growing up being an unprotected child. 

Every child deserves and is entitled to love and protection. 

xo

Simple Wonders

  It feels like I don't often go out with my children just because. I do go out and drive people places every day. Yesterday we were gone from 7:30am till noon for doctors appointments. After that I drove my daughter to school and picked her up later, and then took my son for a milkshake and then grocery shopping. 

  Today, however, I took my children to a store that was all decorated for Christmas. I realize that it is not even December but this year has been a hard one for many reasons and having a reason to celebrate and feel wonder or whimsy or something lovely was needed. I took my three youngest daughters and we had a wonderful time. A three year old in a store full of breakable Christmas ornaments is not the most calming experience but her joy and delight was so precious. 

  Last night my daughter decorated her room for Christmas and her room feels so calming and beautiful. That inspired my seven year old to decorate her room. We found a small Christmas tree at a thrift store today that she could have and since the Christmas bin was already upstairs she found some decorations to go on it. Then she and my three year old played a game where one pretended to sleep and the other one put something in a Christmas stocking and they exclaimed in joy and delight each time after getting 'woken up'. These are all simple wonders but they are worth remembering and celebrating. There is a lot going on in our lives with many changes on the horizon. These moments help slow time down briefly. 

                                                

                                               

   

                                                 

                                                  

                                                  

                                                  

A Genetic Dumpster Fire

 I don't know about you but I am genetic dumpster fire and I didn't know I was until well after I had children.

  I was told, in not many details, that I was born with dislocated hips. I imagine I was put in some sort of apparatus as a baby and that it would have caused both my mom and I a lot of stress. I also had very high fevers as a baby. I had a very crowded pallet as well and my teeth were horrible. I had some very odd things happen to me when I started puberty as well. I almost died actually. I also had horrifically painful hips during puberty and sometimes could only walk with a very pronounced limp. When you are going through these things because it is part of who you are you don't necessarily realize it is odd. I have always had one leg that I just call my bad leg because of vein issues and pain. Fast forward to getting pregnant for the first time and it turns into cancer....that was odd.

  Growing up my two sisters and brother suffered from dislocating shoulders. My sister fainted at times. There was some learning issues and anxiety. Did we really think that things may genetically be off? Maybe my parents did, but we kids just suffered through wishing things were different. My brother had extreme hyperhydrosis and that was hard for him. 

  I was the first one of my siblings to get married and have children. My first biological child seemed to have some issues right off the bat. For one thing when he was born I was told he may possibly have Down syndrome. He did not. However he was never a calm relaxed child. He had breathing difficulties, what I now know was extreme acid reflux, cheek, lip and tongue ties, and he could not latch or nurse properly. He had some conjoined toes, a white patch of hair on his head as well.  He also was so allergic to many foods. Just after he turned two it was found out that he could barely see and was extremely far sighted along with a few other issues with his eyes. Eventually he was tested for many other issues but just diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and a few other things. All of my babies have been born with immature digestive systems and have had a hard time digesting breast milk and could not handle any sort of formula. There have been many struggles. 

  As the years went by eventually through a series of catastrophic events we realized that our family (all of my siblings and myself) had Ehlers Danlos syndrome. This is a genetic disorder that involves the production of collagen in the body and it is a connective tissue disorder. It affects the body is many many ways and has different classifications. It can be deadly and affects everyone uniquely. Connective tissue is everywhere in the body so it can effect so many things in so many ways. Each of my siblings have had different struggles. I think that each of my children also have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome except maybe one. I think she probably has it too, but not as severely. I am just seeing that my seven year old may have it more severely than my other children which is devastating. 

From my two parents some of the known genetic issues are:

Ehlers Danlos Syndrome

Hyperhydrosis

High cholesterol

Diabetes

POTS

Blood Clotting disorders

Eye issues

Anxiety and depression and generational trauma

Celiac Disease

Issues with circulation to the extremities (I can't remember the name of this one)

Sleep issues

Nervous system issues

I am sure there are more as well. 

  I wonder if both my parents are carriers of the EDS gene if that is how it works. My dad was born with a club foot or club feet and my mom has had dislocation issues as well but none of them have had the extreme issues that my siblings have had. 

  So far my children have signs of Ehlers Danlos Syndrome but nothing has been too extreme. My son just had his knee dislocate a few days ago and we have had some dislocated elbows. There is a lot of chronic shoulder and muscle pain. There are high pallets and breathing issues and sleep problems. There are digestive issues and high crippling anxiety. My son's eye issues have to do with EDS as well. I have at least two children with POTS and my daughter has had her two front teeth broken from passing out and smashing her face. My husband has his own genetic issues that he has contributed to them as well.

  It was all so unknown until I was four children in! I have not been able to hold onto a lot of EDS information. I think I feel so completely overwhelmed by it all. I couldn't tell you the classification number or how to get an official diagnosis where I live. 

  I do know that EDS severity is severely affected by gut health and anxiety. If you gut health is good and your mental health is stable symptoms are better. EDS is also affected by hormones and trauma. I am realizing now as information comes to light about my seven year olds health that I need to start to deep dive into EDS research.

  Honestly I don't want to. I want to pretend that somehow this isn't real. I want to stay in this 'bubble' that isn't really a bubble as so many things feel overwhelming.

  If we believe in God the creator and know the history of the world through that lense then we know that this was not how it was supposed to be. These diseases and our struggling aching bodies, they were meant for gardens and connection and beauty. 

EDS to me, feels like a sickness stemming from extreme trauma that affects the genes.

I don't have a clue, but that is how it feels.

  I feel so awful that I have passed all these burdens and hardships onto my children. There are probably other genetic issues as well. I know I didn't know and I also know that I still would have wanted to have children. They are all such gifts. They are such talented, unique, kind, beautiful, passionate, creative, driven individuals. However their journey through life with these challenges is not easy to see knowing my part in it. I hope I can be there to love them and support them on their journeys and I hope that they will also do their own research and be proactive in supporting themselves in their individual health journeys. I do know that in all things sunlight, grounding, life giving nourishing food, much time outside, walking, stress management and sleep quality does much good. A therapist that is trauma informed can be such a light house as well in life's storms. 

  If you have genetic issues that affect your daily quality of life I hope you have a support system and that you don't feel alone. What I have learned, especially from my one sister, who has been severely affected by many genetic issues, is that there is opportunity to shine bright, and to be authentic, kind, caring and giving no matter what you are facing. However every single day is laced with pain and hardship and it is not fair! It is cruel. I wish it was different for you all. 

Love to you,

Tansy

Giving Your All For Your Children (Is It Worth It?)

 Lately I have been asking myself if giving my all for my children has been worth it.

I think it's okay to ask this. I have asked myself this a lot actually.

Because, in my mind, I really have sacrificed myself wholly for my children. I don't think this has come out of a healthy place. I know it hasn't. My parents were complicated people (they still are) and they made choices that were not always safe for me. My knee jerk reaction has been to try to keep my children safe. I also didn't necessarily feel loved by my parents either. I have so wanted my children to feel loved, seen, known. I have not been the parent I have hoped to be. I have let me children down but I have tried so hard to protect them and love them in all the ways I know.

This has meant no vacations for me until two years ago. This has meant not leaving my children with a babysitter ever unless they were family. This has meant homeschooling my children because it was what was best for them at times (and not best for me). This has meant co sleeping, extended breastfeeding, it has meant making mostly home cooked meals and baking. This has meant many years of different kinds of therapies for my children and having a naturopath doctor and chiropractor and regular dental checkups. Even if we can't afford this I have chose to do this. It just means every day I get up and choose my children no matter how I am feeling or what I want. I do think that that is my job as a mother. However I also think that there are more balanced ways to go about this! 

 I have given and given and given and have not poured into myself in the ways that I should have. It has meant that sometimes I have felt resentful or so empty that I have given in emptiness (which is not really giving at all). I just don't think that this has been healthy. However, I have not been able to figure out another way that works. I think because I am so tired my brain does not work at full capacity ever. 

I have felt trapped and lost and broken at times wishing that the work load was more balanced or that my children were a bit easier going or that I just had more capacity!

I want to give all I have to my children. I also want to feel that it doesn't take quite so much of me.

That actually makes no sense but it is how it comes out of my brain. 

I don't know if I am just not mature enough, if I don't have healthy boundaries, if I need better problem solving skills. I think it is probably all of this combined.

However right now I continue to pour out ~ all I have. I love my children so much. I am so deeply thankful for them. They are such miracles. I adore my grandchildren. I can't help but think to the future when there are more children (in law children) and more grandchildren and how the work load just continues to then grow. How can I make it sustainable? 

I know prayer helps, I know exercise and hydration are key. Better quality sleep would be great, that will come someday. However I know that a healthier balance is a choice I must make.

These are thoughts that pass through my mind.

I am just being honest

xo

Tansy