The Love We All Need

"But it is not what I am saying that is hurting you; it is that you have wounds that I touch by what I have said."
Don Miguel Ruiz

    When my two oldest were younger I attended a course through Community Services and my life was changed. It really was. I think many moms that I have observed have grown up in families that are healthy, and the parents have been able to model to these mothers healthy ways to attach and grow and nurture. When they have children they instinctively do what was modeled to them. I missed the boat in a lot of those areas. When I started having children it was glaringly apparent that I knew how to be anxious and over protective and strict, but I didn't really know how to have fun, relax and therefore attach.I am so grateful for all the things this course has taught me. 

A Secure Attachment: A relationship that creates confidence in the availability of a specific protective caregiver if needed, and supports exploration when it is safe to do so. 

   Do you have secure attachment? I liken it to an umbilical cord that you and someone else share. When things are rough and you need nurture and love you can pull on that cord and the other person will be there in whatever capacity they need to be. It is something you dont take a second to worry about ~ you trust and love that person completely. They have shown you time and time again that they are trust worthy and they will be there for you. If you have this umbilical cord the safety and assurance that you are loved and therefore that no matter what happens you are safe  is always there ~ and this knowledge changes everything. You have a certain level of freedom to go out into the world. You have learned that yes, there is hurt and pain and hard ship, but you have also learned that you are worth loving and worth sacrificing for and that you are precious.
    When you dont have that it is like you are free falling all the time ~ you grasp onto people hoping to make an attachment. However you are so vulnerable and self protective that as soon as the other person does something that threatens  ~you run away or lash out ~ and you never form a strong enough cord that does not break. It is a great tragedy if you think about it ~ this lack of connection. It leaves one so hungry, a spirit so void, and a heart that is so delicate that something is always breaking it. Often you lose the capacity to feel true joy and your life is ruled by anxiety and an emptiness. You want to be happy and to feel love and free but you feel weighed down and worn.
 
Dr. Bruce Perry ~ Being born human does not ensure a child will become humane. The capacity to share, care, listen, value and to be empathetic ~ to be compassionate ~ develops from being cared for ~ shared with, listened to, valued and nurtured. 

   Isn't that so powerful! It is such an incredible reminder to us as humans ~ to us as mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, mothers and to us as fathers, husbands, brothers, sons ~ who we are to others is impacting.

   Our past has deeply and directly affected us and the ones who have raised us are in the same boat. However because we are adults we have this opportunity to change something that in us has been remiss. We can create attachment in our lives. However it is a terrifying thing if it is something we have lacked, because we have learned that we needed to protect our heart...pain and rejection as a child is devastating ~ it's devastating as an adult too ~ but we have been stripped of our identity and our preciousness if it happened when we were children. So when we decide to change that, and start to create attachment in our lives, we need to go back to that place in our childhood and help ourselves heal that wound.

   When I took this course I also started counseling. I was in counseling for a long time. I have found that a lot of people look on counseling in a negative light. I guess it is admitting to the world that help is needed. It is talking to a stranger about the deepest hurts. However counseling was such an amazing experience for me. I cannot recommend it enough.

I'll end with some notes from my course

   In humans, the attachment need is the searching for, and maintaining of, closeness and connection to the humans who meet their needs in a way that allows them to feel safe and secure. 
We build attachment relationship with a child when we cultivate connection, when we make it easy for them to depend on us and when we provide a 'village' of people that they can safely connect to.
It is in the context of an attachment relationship that a parent (noun) has the ability to parent (verb). More specifically, it is not the love of a parent to a child, but the love of a child to a parent that gives a parent this ability. Therefore, a parent must hold the heart of a child gently so that a child feels safe and secure despite his vulnerability and dependent state of being.

There is so much I need to work on in this right now as a parent to my children. I STILL am to harsh, impatient, overwhelmed and distracted. I love them so but often I find them overwhelming rather then enjoyable. I find them annoying rather then endearing. They know this. I needed to remind myself of these concepts and so here I am...reminding

Happy Friday ~ I hope you have a nurturing and wonderful weekend with whoever you spend time with. It will feed your soul and fill you with light in a way that no sun can. xo