Well loves, it has been a particularly hard week. You all have been going through different things. Nothing that on their own would be too hard I dont think, but I am tired and things have been building. Did you know right now I am forcing you to play outside? Its because fresh air helps you feel better and helps your bodies feel more relaxed. You so did not want to have to go play in your play house or jump on your trampoline. The horror of it...I know...I am cruel.
Tonight I am going to try to convince you to eat soup ~ the beef is from a cow that grew up in the hill country and has only been fed grass no hormones or anything bad. I made the soup stock from bones of the same type of cow. I am going to put lots of vegetables in it and hope no one will throw it at me or proclaim it disgusting. I know I will probably have to spoon feed at least two of you. Dinner's are such a joy right now...NOT
Then this morning I wanted to bath you and wash your hair. I had not done that for a while because I know you dont like it, but at the same time I dont want you stink and for people to not want to be around you. However its just another mark against me, mom, the ogre, who actually loves you so much.
I am trying to teach you both to read or help you read better, or learn your spelling words....and trying to help you learn to clean, and to be caring and responsible, not to mention shoe lace tying and dressing for the weather. I am trying to teach you self regulation and self control and trying to help you navigate all sorts of emotional issues.
I am up over and over again in the night to help you go to the bathroom, tuck you back in, help you through night mares or being thirsty. I sleep on the couch usually so that I am totally available. I have not slept properly for about nine years. It's aged me and taken a lot of me. I have done this for you!!!!!
I actually love you.
I am a human being. I am not just mom. I have a name. My name is Tansy and I am not that old. I know you think I lived during the time of horse and buggy and that I can't possibly understand all the things you are going through...but I do.
You see me cry a lot. I never saw my mom cry. I dont know how she managed that but I can't. I just wish you could see how much I love you and that you would fight me a little less. I wish I could get through to you that so much of what I do is for your future and for your safety and health.
You are my treasures, I love you so much! Yet it seems like you think I am just a pain, an interruption, an annoyance, a slave, and someone you can hit, call names, and take your anger out on whenever you want. I have gone to counseling for a long time to try to be a better mother and I have someone come to our house once a month to try to help me help you more. I care SO MUCH
So if you ever read this..
Just know
Every time I got you to clean your room or forced you to drink the greens shake or go outside and jump on the trampoline, every single night that I brush your teeth for you and you made it has hard as possible, and every single time I ask you to wear shoes outside
Its because I love you with everything with in me
okay
Back to the soup
You are standing on the back of the couch, playing with your stuffed animals now oblivious to the world and I love you
Love your
Mom
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