What Cancer Has Given Me ~ And So I Must Say Thankyou

   When I was the ripe and ill prepared age of twenty two I traveled the cancer journey. It was a rocky treacherous road for me. When I had my last chemo session I feel like I had been completely emptied of all those starry eyed moments we are so often gifted with in youth. I now KNEW what 'adulthood' meant in so many ways, and it did not get easier after the last bits of chemo dripped out of that plastic bag up on the IV rack and into my bruised hand. I went home from the hospital. There was no more chemo treatments looming, and tried to somehow recover ~ to recover my innocence, my friendships, my joy, my marriage, my hope ~ and the other things that I lost along that road.
As the years have slipped on however ~ sometimes I have these moments of startling clarity where I realize how much cancer gave me. Here is a random list that was in my mind today.

 Every season of each year holds delight. It does not fail me. When a new season slips or swaggers on in I welcome it and revel in it. The blossoms and newness of spring, the warmth and long days of summer, the crispness and color of fall, the glitter and nakedness of winter ~ it all is noticed to its fullest for me. I remember that first Spring after I had cancer. I had a job where I drove the highway for about two hours each work day, and the trees and daffodils that lined the highway made me ache with joy that I had not felt in quite that way before.

My hair became less of a nuisance to me and more of a blessing. I appreciated its' fullness, its' texture, its color and vibrance. I realized it was an important part of who I was and losing so much of it and the way I lost it helped me want to appreciate it and its' gift to me. Having thick hair fall out in clumps, waking up with handfuls lying on your pillow ~ it does something to your heart. When your hair comes back you feel a different sense of dignity return you did not necessarily realize you carried before.

Birthdays ~ I just wanted to celebrate them and wanted to be celebrated. The birthday I had after I had recovered was a triumph and my friends put so much into it for me. I had shaggy hair and a shakey smile but I felt like everyone was cheering that I was still alive and I wanted that fact to matter ~ I still do. I am thankful for every birthday still!

I am so grateful for my general health. Since getting cancer I have never been as healthy again. However I do not have spend my days in the hospital or in chronic pain and my cancer was relatively easy to eradicate.

I am so thankful for my senses. I adore that I can smell, taste, feel, see and hear. Having the chemo took away some of those sensations from me for a while or made them a curse. When that was done and smells and tastes were delicious again, touch didn't cause pain, and sound wasn't overwhelming it was like I was made new.

After cancer was done I spent a good amount of years being angry. I was angry probably mostly at myself and my inability to cope. Holding this burden close did not help me.  I  latched onto relationships with a vengeance that was not healthy. I hoped being the perfect friend or spouse would make me FEEL better, cleansed and whole. It did not work. I was left void and dark. So often it would go back to the cancer. Really though it went much farther back but the cancer was where I felt safe to start. I worked through bitterness, anxiety, abuse and so many hurts. I had to ever so slowly redefine myself. Without cancer would this have happened? Maybe, MAYBE; but not in my twenties and probably not in the way that it had to happen in order to go on. I had been great at using my wounding and holding it close for many years, and the evilness of cancer made the wounding too deep to bear.

There are many more things that bless me every day but the biggest one is the fact that every day I realize that this could be the last time. It could be the last time I see someone smile or have a conversation. I feel the fragility of my breath and life itself, because of this I have tried to document the preciousness of my children and leave them with the story of themselves. I have made them baby books and scrapbooks and written them letters and have felt that if I was to die ~ they would know that I was aware of their preciousness, who they were and are, and that I adored them. I might not have been so aware of all these little things. I might not have tried to remember them in such clarity.
I also feel that to the best of my abilities I try to celebrate and value the people in my life. I might not have valued them or realized their worth to such a degree if I had not had cancer.

I think the other thing I realized was that being mad at 'God' and putting all the ugly on Him was just such a waste of time for me ~ when I realized all I was able to glory in~ take part in! In regards to the splendor of the rich trees, the splendid grasses, the delicate blossoms, the juicy berries, the majestic mountains, the mighty rivers ~ it was such gifts to be cherished. All of these great works of art speak so deeply to my soul. The way that a horse feels and smells, the soft skin of my babies, the rough hand of my husband as I hold it...I felt like I didn't need to wonder if God was 'good' or if He 'allowed' all the bad to happen. I felt like I had faced the darkness of the yawning chasm of much, and realized it is indeed there (the evil, the darkness). However not much of that has to do with God himself. He asks of us yes, but he gives all good. I can feel that when I am outside, in the communion of it all. I was able to take hold of that fully after cancer. I have not let it go. My soul is wide open to His breathe, His love, His nurture, His embrace, His shelter, and all that being in Him entails.


It is in every breathe, in every moment, in all the sadness, the anger, the overflowing joy, the moments that every day holds; that we are here for. There is much at work to steal that, to taint it, to ruin it. Cancer showed that to me in the most concentrated clear form. Yet it did not have to win and it did not.


So cancer, my dear, I must say thank you. It was a horrific relationship. You broke me I admit. You also tortured me to the fullest and yet in it all I was able to rise. I was not renewed but I was remade. The journey continues as you left lasting scars. However these scars are now like medals, I suppose, and my reminders. Let me be clear, you are never welcome anywhere near me again; but thank you from all that is within me. Thank you.

My Usual Sunday Drive

 Another hour out driving enjoying the sunshine and the quiet. If I could live among all this I would and one day I think, I hope, I will again because not too long ago I did! It is a fuel of mine and it keeps me going ~ the wide open fields, the water, the sky, narrow roads, old rugged barns and the quiet.


This is the bottom of a tree fell about four years ago but it is still living. Still clinging onto life. Its trunk is covered in branches that are sprouting fresh leaves. I think that is sort of how I feel sometimes. Like I have crashed down but have not given up ~ ever ~ and there are fresh leaves coming on my branches :)

This was my yard at one time in my life and my husband's play ground all through his growing up years.

What we have now though is bits and pieces of splendor we get to call our own. We get to make the most of what we are given.

So even though this is not my neighborhood anymore...I am working on becoming more and more okay with that.

Happy Easter weekend to one and all ~ Love Tansy

Easter Happenings ~

      My children are at an 'event' right now where our church is dropping thousands of plastic eggs out of a helicopter. I think there will be many many MANY children there ~ a couple thousand. My girls dressed in Easter colors and dresses on their own volition. I did not go. That many people in one place does not appeal to me at all. We are going to a little dinner at my parents on Monday also. We do not go overboard on traditions here but there are little things my mom does to make Easter special. She brings baskets over on Easter Sunday each year with little treats and cute stuffed animals. The children love this. Last year we made Pasca with my dad and that was really fun. Some years Easter hats have been made and this year my daughter made a wreath. The children always dye eggs.
Easter ultimately for our family though is remembering that a man named Yeshua, a Jew and the Son of God, died on a cross to pay this ultimate price for the sins of man. It is glorious, hopefilling, and amazing all at once. We are thankful.

The White Way of Delight

Blossoms ~ they are here ~ in full splendor. They are so delicate and fleeting and so uplifting ~ the perfect back drop to some pictures I took with a friend, they add romance to any street or lane, they make you feel graceful just looking at them!  I am wishing I could climb up in one of the trees and just sort of be with them for a while. I am enjoying them to the fullest every day. I hope wherever you are there is some beauty you are able to soak in and fill your self full. xo

Triumph

   I just got back from a six year old's birthday party in a city over an hour away from our town. The rain was pouring as I pulled up to the house in my van and piled in with four children. We were bringing cupcakes and icing and, of course, gifts. The party was so sweet. There was coloring, Twister, pass the present, dancing, cup cake decorating, balloons and streamers, and lots of happy little faces and shining happy eyes. I loved that the party felt like a party I would have had when I was little. It was perfect.
   Spring break is going to be over soon and I am glad my children and I got to do something like this all together. This week we have spent some time at the Nature reserve that we love with friends also and it was special as we don't often see them. Once children are in school, if they do not go to the same school, it is awfully hard to get together with them. Thankfully with these friends it always feels like time has not passed and we reconnect right away.
   A triumph for me this week was going clothes shopping with my nine year old son. Never in his life has he payed any attention to his clothing other than to refuse to wear a lot of it. He is sensitive to many texture and so most clothing is horribly uncomfortable. He also wears his clothes backwards, inside out, and in general lives in pyjama pants and soft t shirts. He is changing so much right now though, and when we went to the store he first was introduced to the concept of size. Then he went around and chose two pairs of shorts and four shirts that he liked and he found his size. It was fun and happy and he chose two shirts with collars. He also put them right on when he got home (he usually refuses to wear new clothes). I was really thrilled. Then today at the birthday party he participated in everything and I'd have to say his dance moves were amazing. He was happy, confident, and wanted to try the new games again after he lost. It is funny how I feel about my parenting right now. I have felt like such a failure as a mother basically since the get go. Now that he is doing better I feel so much better. I feel like I need to think this through a little more...
  We are home now and I can hear everyone dancing again. I will be sad when Spring Break is over and I am glad about that! It has been a good one. We kept it simple and had our hiccups but all in all it has been a success.

And It Is Officially Spring

  Here we are ~ you and I ~ in whatever corner of the world you are in and it is the first day of Spring. Where I live there are distinct seasons and I celebrate each one. Winter is not freezing cold and snowy here like a lot of other parts of my country; it is days of consecutive rain and grey skies and dreariness. While you can still go out and splash in puddles and breathe the fresh air without freezing the lack of sunshine is so challenging. When Spring comes it is not just flowers lifting their heads anew it is people too! From my dining room I can see a row of four trees covered in light airy pink blossoms that remind me of tutus and clouds and cotton candy. My neighbors have old fashioned spring gardens full of blossoms like bluebells, crocuses, daffodils, tulips half grown, and snow drops that are almost done. It is a time that I cherish every year. The color after all the grey, the fresh, distinct, striking green of the new leaves and grass, birds back from warmer lands and the sunshine! Today I finished a book called, 'Surprised by Joy' by C.S. Lewis and I felt like it was fitting for the day. All my life I have been pursuing this certain illusive feeling. C.S. Lewis calls it joy and I think I would also. I have often felt like it was waiting for me just around some corner, if I could just capture it! The book I read today put some things into new perspective for me. So I will re write a small portion of it here for you and I.

'Instead of the two fold division into Conscious and Unconsious, we need a three fold division: the Unconsious, the Enjoyed, and the Contemplated.
This discovery flashed a new light back on my whole life. I saw that all my waitings and watchings for Joy, all my vain hopes to find some mental content on which I could, so to speak, lay my finger and say, 'This is it,' had been a futile attempt to contemplate the enjoyed. All that such watching and waiting every could find would be either an image (Asgard, the Western Garden or what not) or a quiver in the diaphragm. I should never have to bother again about these images or sensations. I knew now that they were merely the mental tracks left by the passage of Joy - not the wave but the waves imprint on the sand.'

There is much more I could write and quote but what I am taking away from this for today is that I have been going at this search in the wrong way. I cannot bring about joy. None of this is joy ~ none of the things we surround ourselves with and desperately try to hold onto or bring back into being again. I think we are looking for something more, something different that is not to be brought about by us or by our senses, it is so much deeper. There is also much MUCH to be said for being in the moment so we do not miss what we often do.

Anyway it is something I want to read again and again. I am loving how Lewis writes, which is a good thing, because what he has to say and how he has to say it is something I need right now. Happy Spring officially. Have a lovely week ~ Love Tansy

Bloom

   I am thinking about Spring flowers this morning and imagining a beautiful garden full of all the Spring flowers in their glory luminous in the morning sun. We used to have this garden in our town we could go to all Spring, Summer and Fall and it was acres of tall stately trees and pathways around exquisite gardens. Every season new flowers would be planted. We went there every week. My children loved it and it did all our souls so much good to be in the flowers. It eventually closed to our great sadness. I was thinking today though about flowers that have been planted in profusion. They are so beautiful, and they capture the eye, and yet they are all together and you do not usually notice one specific one. Think now on a rocky hillside or a sidewalk where your eye catches the flower that has grown from a seed that has been dropped accidentally. It seems like such a miracle! Yesterday I was out in our back yard and saw that on the top of our picnic table in between the cracks the most tiniest of blooms are growing. I am not sure what is taking root in that odd bit of soil that settled in the cracks of the wood but since it is there it is growing.
   Seeds grow where they are planted. Even if the conditions are not ideal they will do their absolute best. The soil around the flowers in the garden we used to visit was weeded and watered regularly so the flowers had their best chance at beauty. Their stems were strong, their leaves as broad as they could be and the colors brilliant. That is not always the case with flowers growing through a crack of pavement or a cliff face but USUALLY it IS the case. Flowers don't have much of a choice. Where they are planted, if they can, they grow and they grow brilliantly. This is not some new concept to me but I was thinking about it this morning before I got up.
   We are all planted somewhere. Sometimes we get to choose where we are planted and sometimes we do not. However we all do get to choose how we grow WHERE we are planted. I have often chosen not to grow well because I have felt like I did not know HOW to grow well or my growth was stunted by lack. Lack of many things in my mind. However I hope that as I am growing up that is changing. I hope I am feeling more strength and ability to bloom strong and brilliant exactly where I am planted. It sure is easier if the soil is perfect and conditions right but it is such a triumph when you are blooming at your most beautiful no matter what is happening around you. Some of us have not learned that. We are are stuck at seed level maybe and not letting ourselves spring up. Some of us have let ourselves wither and die and need to re plant. Then there are those who are just blooming ~ face to the sky, weathering the storms, soaking in the sunlight and the water and are just stunning. I am writing this to remind myself about my thought. I want to start blooming. This whole getting a bit more sleep, Spring in the air, sun on my face has made me WANT to stop struggling just to grow a tiny bit and has made me want to start blooming. I feel this way here and there and bloom for a while but then, well, it does not last ~ all thoughts I am thinking this beautiful Spring morning and need to remember.
Have a lovely weekend
Love Tansy

Trying to Capture the Dawn of Spring (1)

    This morning when we woke up the sky was the blue that speaks of hope and happy and something new. I looked outside at our neighbour's roof covered in frost, the beautiful snow capped mountain and the light that was coming through illuminating everything and suddenly I wanted to head out try to capture a bit of the light. It was already getting late and the sun was higher than was ideal but I thought I might as well start trying as I want to practice. So off I went. Some of the views were  indescribable. The dawn of Spring is refreshing, invigorating and altogether lovely. I didn't capture much because I didn't really have a destination in mind. Next time I need to leave earlier and I need to have some specific places to go to. My vehicle is not exactly dainty and it is not so easy to pull over on narrow country roads. It was so exciting though to feel like I was doing something new. I have not jumped in my vehicle on a whim to try to capture the dawn of Spring before.

This is majestic and ethereal

I tried to imagine living on this farm with so much beauty surrounding! So much space here. I wonder if they take it for granted.

I am drawn to my favourite place always. It is bliss this fine morning

I have been especially admiring the willow trees this spring. Their leaf buds are such a bright citrusy colour so delicate ~ illuminated

This was my favourite moment though.  I wonder if they've been together long?

Thank you once again for stopping by. Have a lovely last day of this week. Enjoy your blessings and the beauty that surrounds you. Tansy ~

Spring Photo Shoot With My Sister

  I have been wanting to do something with my camera that encouraged me and made me feel like I have some creativity in my bones for a couple months now! My sister was willing to be my model today and my mom was willing to watch two of my children. As a result I was able to calm some of the restlessness I have been feeling by taking these pictures. This first one is my favourite and it is too bad it is blurry because I can't even handle how beautiful it is. I love the movement in it, the reflection in the mirror, the field of grass, the lace, long hair and so many other things!

 This piano stool has been in my life for as long as I can remember. I wanted to include it in a photo shoot somehow and here it is :)

 I appreciate the balloon of the sleeve in this photo, the long braid and the necklace, her smile and as always the fresh vibrant green grass

 These mail boxes grace the corner of my favourite road. 

 Isn't this so beautiful!

 I don't think of myself as an accessorizer or having any talent at fashion but I chose this outfit and I feel like it brings everything together perfectly.

 I love the intricacy of the lace.

 I tried to capture the sun dappling her face as it suddenly burst from the clouds in all its radiance! It was glorious!

 This is another one of my favourite shots. I love the movement once again! I think it is breathtaking.

 This road has stunning rolling hills, this weathered fence, mountains views, and I come here to write, think, cry and just be myself.

 This concludes the photo shoot. I do want to improve in the photo taking department and therefore I need practice.  Lots of these photos are blurry and imperfect and I see that. However I hope as I try to figure out the camera more, as I learn how to steady myself better and as I practice ~ it will improve. I also really need new lenses...the ones I have were made for film camera but they are what I have for right now and I am thankful! Thank you to my sister for braving the cold and the freshly fertilized field. I had so much fun.

This is at the other end of my road. Thanks for coming over to the blog today. I hope you enjoyed the pictures and that if you are in the beginning of spring break ~ that it is going really well. xo