Dusky Dark Green

 A misty day here. Sometimes I absolutely love misty days. The mountains are shrouded and sacred. The many trees and their myriad colors of green ~ dusky dark greens and lighter fresher ones all intermingled with mist and mystery. We went for a walk and I had not gone out for a walk in days ~ had not really gone out into the beauty. Right now one of my children is saying, 'Why do I have to be the one that ALWAYS has to listen' and another one is REFUSING to eat and I nursed the baby for hours last night.
 Getting out today was beyond refreshing. Where we walked there was a massive dog. I am five foot two and came up past my hips. My son had her running in stride with him. He connects with animals so quickly when he meets them. They seem to not be able to resist him. It reminded me in an instant of riding my horse without a saddle or bridle and knowing she knew where I wanted to go because of our connection.
 I have been reading books by George MacDonald and once again they are shifting things in my brain that need to be shifted. He writes with this knowledge of God that is deep inside me but I can never vocalize ~ just feel. I had some years of my life where I spent hours outside every day and I spent many hours alone outside and it was an opportunity to experience the worship and energy that creation exudes with all its brilliance and passion. I could feel it and see it and hear it in moments when I was riding my horse or sitting out in our fields or by our creek. Now that there is so much technology around me and I have this deep restlessness. I am so distracted, my nerves often raw, and I DON'T REMEMBER....that if I could just get in my car, go drive somewhere a bit lonely, a bit quiet and take it in, it all floods back. The Creator is good and taking part in all He has for us is good. Embracing His way and His life is best. If you don't like WHO you know Him to be you probably don't know who He really is. Keep asking, keep searching and look in the right places....usually in the fields, the woods, the water, the mountains and the places He has prepared so you can be remade.

When Rage In Your Life Is Really Anxiety

    How often do you confuse anger for anxiety? How often do you threaten, punish or shut down your anxious child or yourself? I had no clear recognition of anxiety when I first became a parent. I was blind to it because I had always lived it. It was second nature to me and I had no language around what it was or what it looked like. In my family of origin the anxiety was extreme. Both my parents have now realized they suffer from Post Traumatic Stress and they were suffering from that while raising five children. Four of those children suffer from a genetic illness called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (EDS) and one of the markers of that illness is anxiety.

    As a result I called anxiety ~ anger. While growing up anxiety looked like emotional explosions, tantrums, and yelling; subsequently I thought those things needed to be quieted and controlled in my children because they overwhelmed me and they triggered me. Slowly, over time I realized that all these forms of anger I was seeing and had grown up with were actually something called anxiety and it was extreme. What a sense of freedom it was to give anger its 'real' name. What a sense of grief as well. Anger is ugly and threatening, but anxiety is tragic. Often when people around us are angry they pin blame on anyone but themselves and that causes chasms in relationships that are sometimes deemed uncrossable. There are so many reasons why a child or an adult has anxiety. It can have to do with just the day to day things happening in life at that time or it can date as far back as our time spent in utero.

There are pathways in the brain that are created, highways, and sometimes we are navigating them on autopilot with no self awareness and seemingly no capabilities to turn off the auto pilot and gain control.

  For my two children who struggle with anxiety it started from their time in utero and has been built upon from things that have happened since. They struggle with it in completely different ways and this is so key in understanding anxiety

Anxiety has so many faces.

   You may think you had this one volatile and abusive parent and a parent that was just the opposite. Chances are you had one parent that showed anxiety in the fight way and one parent that showed anxiety in the flight, freeze or fawn way. When our bodies experience a stressful situation we are designed to recognize it and respond. We either fight, flee, freeze or we fawn. Our bodies are all so different and one way is not better than another. People tend to label the fight response as anger and think it is a lot worse than the flight, freeze or fawn response. However I think it can be better to KNOW what you are working with. For example, someone who is yelling and freaking out can be calmed down eventually, while someone who is just literally gone (as in they get in a car and drive away or run away) or who is totally frozen (so refusing to talk or make eye contact) might not be so straight forward. I don't know if that makes sense but it helps ME deal with the anger anxiety better in my mind.

 Some ways that anxiety manifests itself in this house are:
Say I have been anxious about money. I have bills to pay and don't have enough money to pay them. It hangs over me. I am reactionary, weary and not able to support or nurture my children in the usual way - I am in fight mode.
Or say that my son is getting sick but I don't know that yet. The day before he gets really sick, any little thing can set him off. It can be that the food being offered is not quite the right temperature or that he doesn't want to wash his hands. Any tiny little thing can set him off. It took me so long to learn that the reaction had absolutely nothing to do with what was really going on in that moment. His body just goes into anxiety attack after anxiety attack and for him that means raging. He yells, punches, throws things, slams things and it looks pretty ugly. I used to respond with corresponding anger and sort of matched his levels. That does not work. Not at all! I feel like so many parents do that out of not knowing what else to do! It is almost the easiest way to try and gain control (or so it feels). We scare the child into total shut down. This really doesn't work and it's a negative and damaging way to deal with what is going on their brain and body.

Cortisol is the stress hormone that is released during a fight, flight, freeze or fawn response and when we have constant cortisol dumping into our brain it is likened to a bleach wash. It is toxic and causes damage. It is helpful sometimes to focus on that. We want to be dumping less and less cortisol into our brain and training our bodies to be able to recognize when something is actually a threat rather than just a simple every day occurrence that we can learn to cope with better.

  There is always a reason why someone is responding in anger (anxiety). It takes maturity and the capacity to THINK ~ to stop from responding in kind. Taking a moment to breathe deeply, reflect and then respond helps a lot, and it is pretty hard to do a lot of the time.

  Another way anxiety presents itself in this house is:
Emotional control! When my daughter comes home from school she tries to get everyone really upset. She bugs and hurts and bullies until everyone is losing it. When everyone is at that point she can relax. She feels safer if everyone is at the same level of anxiety as she is because she knows what she is working with. She has been 'managing' at school all day and repressing her anxiety and it explodes when she gets home. Another way her anxiety manifests is needing to know every single thing happening as much as possible in each moment of the day.
There are many more ways anxiety hangs out in this house. Everyone copes or manifests in their own ways around here.

  Maybe you've now realized that you have anxiety. Often anxiety is chronic and we have not realized it because it is our everyday reality. People are in denial or offended at the thought that they may be anxious, but odds are if you have a child that is anxious you are most probably suffering from some form of it yourself. The next challenge is to take some time to recognize the root or roots of your anxiety. Why are you anxious? Does it stem from your childhood or even farther back? Could it be from things that happened in school or a loss you experienced? Maybe a relationship in your life is the root of it? It is painful. When I finally realized I was anxious the process of sifting through the layers and recognizing roots was sometimes brutal. There were a lot of reasons.

The beauty of anxiety is that it is something that can be helped. It is something that can be recognized and with a holistic approach that mentors your body physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally you will start to see and feel a major difference in your life or if you are addressing this in your child's life you will also start seeing positive results. What a relief to realize that it is not a permanent prognosis!

I will continue to write more posts about this over the next few weeks ~ thank you for reading :) xo

April 23rd, 2016

 A lovely birthday today ~ I am now officially thirty four.

I really wanted to just be by the Ocean today. I wanted to smell the tangy salt air and hear the waves crashing on the rocks. I wanted to feel sand and hear gulls and experience the awe of the grandeur of this vast expanse. So I did. It was perfect. 

The Fine Art of Celebration (Birthday Parties Rock)

   My birthday is on Saturday and I am turning thirty four. This week I have had tried to take some moments to remember previous birthday parties that have been held for me because as a mom I have come to realize just how much effort is expended for these! My first memory of a party is when I turned six I believe. We had all the girls in my class from school over. I remember there being a lot of drama and huffy girls and my mom declaring never again!! I also remember pretty party dresses (we wore uniforms every day to school so everyone looked so different and sparkly) and getting lots of presents! The next birthday I remember was my barn party. We had just moved to the island and we had this old barn with massive beams, many cobwebs, and cracks in the walls where the sun came through. My cousin and I decorated it with streamers and balloons and we had my party in the barn! One of my gifts was a chicken I named Speckles that my friends hid in a big pile of hay. That chicken was a very special pet to me for years to come. Another birthday party that stands out in my mind was when I turned thirteen. I was becoming a teenager and my family's property was up for sale. I knew it would be my last birthday on my family farm and I had all my friends ~ homeschoolers and church friends and neighbors ~ and we went frog hunting. I felt like it was the perfect way to start my teen years. It was also a perfect way to end my childhood. I tear up just writing that. When we moved away from the farm I left so much. I lost all my pets, had to leave such dear friends and so much beauty and freedom. My life after that consisted of a lot of homework mostly. I am so thankful for that thirteenth birthday party and the fun we had screaming and trying to catch frogs along the creek.
   Another awesome party was when I turned twenty three after I had had cancer. I was alive and I was done chemo and my friends threw this massive party for me. I felt so blessed to have everyone around me. We were all still so young and untried by life yet. Everyone was still so innocent in so many ways and their life and vitality was intense. A couple years later another party that I remember was getting together with my friends at my cousin's mother in laws house and we had a duvet making party. We made a queen size duvet filled with sheep's wool for me. It has been on my bed ever since. At that party I felt a sense of ancient kin ship to the woman of the past who would come together to make quilts for each other. I have often longed for a life similar to those times and so this party was incredibly special. So many more I have been blessed with. So many times that people have come together and sang happy birthday over me. So many friends and smiling eyes wishing me well. I am so incredibly grateful to have learned the fine art of celebration. It has nothing to do with the decorations (although that can sure set a tone), or food, or even what the candles are on. It has to do with the hearts heartily singing their blessing song over you and the eyes that are shining their happiness and light onto you. I took this forgranted quite frankly until I got married and realized my husband did not grow up this way. He had not been given that gift. Each year my children are celebrated on their birthday. It is never lavish or extravagant but they FEEL special and they FEEL celebrated for all that they are.
  The last birthday party that I had (and what I mean by party is having a group of people over that are friends as well as family) was when I turned thirty. It was a very significant birthday to me. I was entering a new decade and was more than grateful to leave my twenties behind. I wanted to do something very significant and so I planned a party for myself. I called it ~ The Burning ~ and I asked my friends to participate. The idea behind it was that I was going to make a list of all the things I needed to purge from my soul that were dark or bitter or sad and to start afresh. I had a lot of things in me that I did not like and they were remnants of things that had happened all through my life but a lot of them in my twenties. So that is what we did. We had a turkey dinner and huge trifle and everyone brought food and all my dear friends near and far came. If they could not come they sent words of affirmation to read over me. After we ate we lit a fire outside and had The Burning. I had written out what I needed to burn and why and simply had a piece of paper with the list that I threw in the fire after I had publicly declared my intentions and hopes. My husband did the same and then a number of my friends. It was very powerful. There was no turning back in a sense. I declared beauty from ashes and the oil of joy for mourning. Now here I am. I am turning thirty four and am happy to. I am not having a big party this year but I have been and will be doing special things all this month. It is important and I am thankful I can. Here are some pictures taken by Emily during my thirtieth birthday party.

Juliane

  
    Oh April ~ How glorious you are this year. The sun shines and shines. The farmers have already taken in a grass crop and are moving onto their second. My children are already getting quite tanned and I am sticky with sweat. The switch has been abrupt and intense weather wise. A garden would already be flourishing when we have been used to planting in May.
   Today a special day ~ it is my friend's birthday. She was born a couple days before me in Germany while I arrived in Canada. I met her when I was in grade ten. She came to my school for a while and we connected. We kept in touch when she went home for a while through letters and then as the years went by we drifted apart. Enter the magic of facebook and seven years ago we reconnected. We had both gotten married and started families by then. She came over to visit with her family one summer while I was pregnant with my third. Since then she has sent me letters. Real letters. She has sent packages in the mail for my children and myself. She has sent me light and kindness during very dark times. She has carved out moments in her busy life for me. English is not her first language so I realize that when she writes me these beautiful letters it must take considerable effort to express herself the way she does. Friendship is the perfect gift to give someone but pure friendship that transcends borders and languages is incomprehensible unless you have experienced it. To receive encouragement, love and care from so far away in a physical form helps me to lift up my head and stand stronger. Juliane, thank you for the hope you send to me, for the support and love you give me. I have been so blessed and brightened to have you in my life. God bless you my dear friend. May you find a new sense of joy and wholeness this year, may you feel deep peace and strength. You are a treasure. Love Tansy

The Bee Feeder

   Sunday morning I tried to take a picture of my husband and children. They were ready for church and for once my nine year old was not in PJ pants and he was wearing a collared shirt. Everyone even matched randomly so I thought I'd just try. I got them all out on the lawn and immediately two children decided that they had lost the ability to use their smiling muscles and it was all down hill from there. Needless to say they went to church and I stayed out in the front yard and tried to capture some of the flowers in the morning light. Later on in the day when the children were home I had the camera again and was so glad I did. My nine year old listens to a lot of adventure stories and really honestly wishes he could go back in time and be an explorer and adventurer. Right now all he has is a back yard and a coon skin cap and so he makes do with his extensive and incredible imagination. Yesterday he knocked on the front door and when I opened it there he was in his coon skin cap and a branch from my precious lilac tree. He was so over come by how beautiful it was he felt he needed a whole branch so he dragged a tree over, climbed up and broke off the branch. He then decided he was a bee feeder of some sort and literally marched around the yard feeding bees. I can't express how amazing this child is. He loves the world ~ really really loves the world. Then I walked around the corner and there was the baby. Somehow he had found two sticks and was banging on the milk can loving the music he was making. We are all so thankful the sun has been shining and we can be outside enjoying all this.

The Passage To Peace

Weary
Light grey to dark but never a burst of color
Empty always empty ~ nothing to give
Bowed
Hunched and huddled
Whirling thoughts that never settle
Relentless
Raging
Shaking inside or out
The going going going
Never being able to rest
Even in my sleep
Nagging emptiness
Restless searching
Aching feet
Burning eyes
Bone cold
Burdened down
Desperate to feel better
One step after another eyes on the ground

  Some times and really many times my life has felt like this description of anxiety. In the society where I live right now at the age of thirty three I feel like I see so many people who feel like this, who look like this, who think like this. Often it seems like they don't have the time or capacity to let it matter and they just go on and on until something stops them in their tracks. They have to choose then ~ to lift their head up and make some changes ~ or to give up.
   I come from a long line of people who have struggled with anxiety. I believe this largely stems from the World Wars that my ancestors lived and fought through. Their subsequent Post Traumatic Stress Disorders have been passed down through their inability to cope healthily with life and to search and acquire healing. There was not the information or acknowledgement needed about their damaging experiences and situations and no way to work through them the way there is now.When I look back on the past and I hear stories of who my grandfather or my great grandfather or great grandmother was I am filled with a sense of awe. They were brave, strong, glorious souls who sacrificed so much for who would be coming after them. They looked farther then themselves but at the same time they failed to be able to confront what was right in front of them. I have felt from a young age that darkness of stress, of trauma, of anxiety, of not having enough, of being empty. Yet because of the family I come from I also have seen much resilience, much capability, much creativity and so much hope. One of my goals for my self and my children have to been to find a different path and to create a road easier to navigate rather then remain trapped and stuck in this state. Since this has been my goal I feel like the obstacles placed in my path have been immense. Is it because I am more mindful of it all? I have a child who has been specifically diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and another one specifically diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress.
    It is interesting to me how aware I have been of where I have come from and then the children I have been gifted with. Is it possible to stop this cascade of anxiety that has been passed down at the root of who I am? Some would say no and still others would say yes. I hope that as time goes on and I continue to glean and glean and glean and apply the truth I will see peace and I will feel peace more. That I will be able to access it more easily and it will come more naturally. I imagine it looking like the morning sun that filters through tree branches on the dew illuminating it into shimmering glory. I imagine it feeling like riding a bike flying down a quiet road hands free. I imagine it sounding like the song of a small creek and the tiny birds that sing in the hedges by our house. I imagine it feeling like the warmth of a soft blanket and a welcoming pillow. When peace is present anxiety flees. Its thwarted gaunt face, its grasping black fingers and its choking thoughts have to go. Peace does bring illumination, it brings joy and hope and the ability to be aware of more. I hope for a new mantle of peace for myself, my husband and my children and for those who are in our lives to feel it. How refreshing, how sweet and beautiful a breath of peace is. We will stand taller, eyes brighter, hearts on fire in peace.

Dining Dancing Delight

  In my rather 'simple' life (and in that I am mostly not complaining) I do not do many things out of the ordinary. That is why a bunny getting out and having to be caught is a big deal. A little excitement is actually big! Something bigger than the bunny rescue happened on Sunday  ~ two of our children learned to ride two wheeler bikes and that was the biggest excitement around here for my husband and I since I dont know when. We felt such a sense of accomplishment and happiness. Our one child has tried to learn this skill since he was so little and he is now nine so to see him pedaling furiously down the road fast and free was an amazing feeling. He has problems with hand eye coordination and depth perception and many other issues that made bike riding seem almost impossible but it happened for him. We are so grateful.
  Something else that happened this week on a totally different note was my husband and I got to go out for dinner. We do not often go out together and if we do it is usually for a drive with the baby in the back seat. Eating out together is a luxury. My parents are staying at a beautifully historic and elegant hotel for their anniversary and as part of them staying there they were able to have dinner at a restaurant there. It boasts fine dining, a live band, and dancing. There is a dress code and exquisitely set tables and one has the opportunity to feel ladylike.
   Originally my parents had invited friends but because their anniversary was on a Monday their various friends were not able to come. In the end they invited us. So there we were ~ my husband in a suite and tie and me in an actual dress (I have not worn one since December) and sitting in this beautiful historic place. It felt surreal and very special. I feel like I do not often get to just sit and talk to my parents. Usually my children are there needing attention or there are other distractions. Last night our waiter was perfect, the food was amazing, and there were no distractions. The music was beautiful and there were three couples who danced to almost every song. They each had a different style and were a treat to watch. My parents were serenaded by the band and danced to Moon River. My husband and I cannot dance at all but we still went out on the dance floor and had our moments. I wish I had better words to describe it all. I would have to say that at some point in life it is important to do things like this. Things that feel out of the ordinary, special, and elegant. It was a little gem in this month of April. Thank you mom and dad for asking us to come. We savored every bite, let the music remind us of happy memories, and my dad and mom were more relaxed than usual and that was miraculous in itself. It will always be a beautiful memory for me.
  Now back to taking out the garbage and going for a walk in the rain and all the little things that make this life mine. I feel like last night I was lifted out of it for a minute and transported to luxury and a different type of reality but I am happy to be back here in mine. The apple blossoms in our neighbor's yard, the safely ensconced bunny, the babbling baby, and The Hobbit being read in the background. Sometimes being lifted out of a reality that is ordinary to something extra ordinary and coming back can be a rude awakening. Today I am just grateful that my reality is what it is. My parents reality was so different when they were my age and they worked hard so that mine would be better. I am glad they are still together. Glad they are moving forward. Glad for all this.

Happy Monday ~ Catching Our Bunny!

   This morning at around 9am the girl who comes to help me on school days opened up our front door and yelled that the rabbit had gotten out. Now a random back story to this is that this girl grew up coming to this exact house almost daily as her Nana had lived here. When she was little she had a rabbit named 'Bun Bun' that lived here and one day Bun Bun got out and got killed! She was always told that Bun Bun just got away and so she always had this secret hope Bun Bun would come back. When she was a teenager she was randomly just told one day that Bun Bun had actually died! Anyway so she pulled in this morning and there was our little rabbit Blossom coming into our front yard! She shooed her around to the back but visions of Bun Bun were in her head, and when she yelled in the door we all took action. I ran downstairs to get my sister's laundry basket, my sister abandoned her breakfast at the table (which the baby immediately took charge of) and I grabbed a carrot to. The two girls headed out (carrot and laundry basket in hand) and started the rescue mission. I had lost my keys that morning so had no keys to get out of the back yard! I found some extra ones and hobbled outside as my foot is still messed up. We have massive dogs that live on the other side of our fence on the one side and we knew if she got in there or on the road that that it would be a quick end. It increased the panic! I was envisioning picking up my oldest from school and breaking the news of the bunny's doom.  I was trying to get sections of the yard bunny proofed so that she could not escape out those areas but she was fast. She did get out onto the road but the girls managed to herd her into the other neighbors yard that is well fenced and dogless. In the end we did manage to get the laundry basket on top of her and through a series of maneuvers we did get her back in her cage. It took some twist ties, a towel, carrying her cage all the way to the neighbors yard and back again but we did it! We are now recovering from the adrenaline rushes and the bunny is recovering from her near brush with death. She is also very firmly in her cage with no hope of escape! During our rescue mission the baby happily ate my sisters porridge and wrapped himself up in blankets and my five year old found the missing keys. It all ended well. Today is my sisters birthday and my parents anniversary. It is cloudy and cool outside and homeschooling is well under way. Happy Monday!

Surround Yourself With People Who Care

   I was pregnant at both my sister's weddings and, oddly enough, I was nine months pregnant at both their weddings ~ years apart ~ needless to say I wore the same dress! My sister Laura had asked me to be her maid of honor and I (selfishly) declined because I was trying to have as stress free of a pregnancy as possible. When she asked me to do a speech at her wedding I also declined because I would have my two children there and I was so pregnant and she already had so many people speeching. However somehow our wires got crossed and she did not quite hear that message. The night before I had this weird premonition that that would be a possibility so I hauled my pregnant body off the bed and wrote her a letter that could also be used as as a speech. The day of the wedding dawned beautifully and since my daughter was a flower girl and son a flower boy we started getting ready. The wedding was held in breathtaking gardens and the it was perfect. Then we went to the reception. At the reception things did not go so smoothly for us. My son had a massive panic attack that lasted a very long time. I was outside of the venue in a courtyard trying to soothe him and missed the buffet dinner. Finally when he was calm his Nana (no direct relation to the bride or groom) offered to take him home along with his sister. He was actually willing to go and so I was relieved (so say the least) to have them go and I could finally get off my feet. When I walked back in I realized all the food had been packed away but I was so hungry. I begged the caterers to let me have some food and although they would not let me in the kitchen to choose some, a very sweet server loaded (and I mean loaded) up a plate for me. So there I am with my nine month belly walking to the front of many tables to sit down and eat (while everyone is finished eating and speeches are commencing). It is one of those moments you hope to be slightly inconspicuous. However just as I sat down and took my first bite all of a sudden I heard my name being called through the mike. I realized that oh, look at that, I was being called on to give a speech! So I stood up and with a totally full mouth headed to the microphone. I gulped down the bite and tried to gather my totally scattered thoughts thanking the good Lord that last night I had written out some thoughts! I did not have them with me of course but I hoped something would come back to me. I am not a speech giver by any means and when I was in high school if I ever had to give a speech I would be incredibly nervous. I think because I had absolutely no warning, and because I really did think I was not giving a speech, after I had swallowed my massive mouthful of food and looked out at the crowd I felt completely fine. I started off with a story highlighting how different my sister and I were and how I had always been the safe one. She had been fiery and exciting and dramatic. In the end though the theme of my speech was 'surround yourself with people who care.' I chose that because she used to make me little inspirational posters for my wall and one of them had a quote saying that.  In the end I think I gave an epic speech and it was because it came straight from my heart.
    When I gave this speech to my sister I was saying, surround yourself by people who care...but really I was saying ~ surround yourself by people who really see you. I felt like I had a bit of an idea of what marriage was like and I knew that it was not going to be easy ~ because what marriage ever is. I wanted her to be cared for and happy. I wanted her to feel supported and validated. I was saying surround yourself by people who really hear you. Surround yourself by people who cheer you on. Surround yourself by people who bring out the best in you, who you can have fun with, who allow you to shine, who encourage you and uplift you. It might not be very many people ~ it might only be one! That is all you need :) Now my sister is approaching the day where she will be holding her new baby in her arms. I feel like once again, I have paved the way and once again, it is not an easy road. So I'll say it once again ~ surround yourself with people who care ~ it will make all the difference and it will help you hold your head high and be the best mother you can be. xo

                          That look on her face says it all! Fiery determination and strength.

I am just relieved I got through the speech without my water breaking. I had my baby twelve days later.

                                               And now here she is ~ almost six year later. 

                                                I am so excited to be an aunty for the first time.

Happy Birthday To Leenie

   Aaahhhhh (that is a happy sigh) it is Sunday. I am sitting in a pocket of sunshine in my dining room with my foot 'elevated.' Since I have given myself permission to stop attending church and to attempt to rest on Sundays the sunny days are soothing and the quiet as everyone else is at church is perfect for my nerves. My foot has this random infection which landed me in the ER last night to make sure I was not going to have to have it cut off at some point in life. I am being super dramatic by the way because it is not really badly infected.  Now I have my antibiotics prescription and the orders to ice and elevate and rest so my bases are covered.
    This week is a big one for my family of origin in that my parent's wedding anniversary is tomorrow and they are going to be thirty five. We got them a special gift this year and they are going away for a couple nights. However one year on their anniversary they received the most precious and special gift any parent could ever ask for and that was a baby girl they named Collena Kathryn. Tomorrow my sister turns another year older. She is the definition of a lot of words ~ creativity, perseverance, survival, sweetness, compassion, strength and much more.
   Recently our family received some rather shocking news but it helped put together pieces of the puzzle that we have always been missing for us. My siblings all suffer from Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. It is a genetic disease that affects collagen formation in your body. It is characterized by many things but the doctors generally start by looking for double jointedness and stretchy skin. Every child in an affected family has a fifty fifty chance of getting it and everyone can get it to different degrees. I dont seem to have it but all my four siblings do. My April 11th sister has it the most seriously. It has affected so many areas of her life.She has had to fight from her beginning to live.  She has had to endure so much physical and emotional pain. She has had to decide every day to keep going and to not give up. She is an incredibly creative and talented girly. She sings amazingly, plays any instrument she puts her mind to, can dance like no one else in our family can, and writes songs that most could only dream of, and really is someone that could do anything she put her mind to. Her sickness has often tried to shackle her but every single time she has overcome. As humans we often try to down play or think we can comprehend what someone else is going through, but as we get older hopefully we realize that we can't. We offer words of advice tritely or in empathy but often they are empty to the one we are giving it to. She has had to endure this more than most of us and from people that should have known better. She has been so mistreated professionals that she should have been able to trust. She has had to try to hurtle mountains higher than are imaginable and go through valleys that none should ever have to.
   Every person has their own journey, their way of seeing life, their way of coping, and I would have to say that my sister is one of the best. She rises with the sun and she shines with the stars. She loves with her soul and she gives from her heart. I think each year that the world is gifted with her presence is a year that the world is especially blessed.  Leenie ~ you are a treasure ~ Have a Happy Birthday tomorrow ~ all my love~ xo

Yard Photos