The Passage To Peace

Weary
Light grey to dark but never a burst of color
Empty always empty ~ nothing to give
Bowed
Hunched and huddled
Whirling thoughts that never settle
Relentless
Raging
Shaking inside or out
The going going going
Never being able to rest
Even in my sleep
Nagging emptiness
Restless searching
Aching feet
Burning eyes
Bone cold
Burdened down
Desperate to feel better
One step after another eyes on the ground

  Some times and really many times my life has felt like this description of anxiety. In the society where I live right now at the age of thirty three I feel like I see so many people who feel like this, who look like this, who think like this. Often it seems like they don't have the time or capacity to let it matter and they just go on and on until something stops them in their tracks. They have to choose then ~ to lift their head up and make some changes ~ or to give up.
   I come from a long line of people who have struggled with anxiety. I believe this largely stems from the World Wars that my ancestors lived and fought through. Their subsequent Post Traumatic Stress Disorders have been passed down through their inability to cope healthily with life and to search and acquire healing. There was not the information or acknowledgement needed about their damaging experiences and situations and no way to work through them the way there is now.When I look back on the past and I hear stories of who my grandfather or my great grandfather or great grandmother was I am filled with a sense of awe. They were brave, strong, glorious souls who sacrificed so much for who would be coming after them. They looked farther then themselves but at the same time they failed to be able to confront what was right in front of them. I have felt from a young age that darkness of stress, of trauma, of anxiety, of not having enough, of being empty. Yet because of the family I come from I also have seen much resilience, much capability, much creativity and so much hope. One of my goals for my self and my children have to been to find a different path and to create a road easier to navigate rather then remain trapped and stuck in this state. Since this has been my goal I feel like the obstacles placed in my path have been immense. Is it because I am more mindful of it all? I have a child who has been specifically diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and another one specifically diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress.
    It is interesting to me how aware I have been of where I have come from and then the children I have been gifted with. Is it possible to stop this cascade of anxiety that has been passed down at the root of who I am? Some would say no and still others would say yes. I hope that as time goes on and I continue to glean and glean and glean and apply the truth I will see peace and I will feel peace more. That I will be able to access it more easily and it will come more naturally. I imagine it looking like the morning sun that filters through tree branches on the dew illuminating it into shimmering glory. I imagine it feeling like riding a bike flying down a quiet road hands free. I imagine it sounding like the song of a small creek and the tiny birds that sing in the hedges by our house. I imagine it feeling like the warmth of a soft blanket and a welcoming pillow. When peace is present anxiety flees. Its thwarted gaunt face, its grasping black fingers and its choking thoughts have to go. Peace does bring illumination, it brings joy and hope and the ability to be aware of more. I hope for a new mantle of peace for myself, my husband and my children and for those who are in our lives to feel it. How refreshing, how sweet and beautiful a breath of peace is. We will stand taller, eyes brighter, hearts on fire in peace.