Fraser Howard Ennis

  Tomorrow marks the birthday of my cousin Fraser. He would have been thirty seven I believe. I have not seen him in a very long time now,  but the last time I DID see him is etched in my memory.

   It is fitting that the last time I saw him was at my grandparent's. Their house was a constant and safe place for a lot of their grandchildren to escape to at different times. I was there that day to hand out resumes because I wanted to get a job for the summer in my grandparents town. He was there because he had not been doing well and his brother had brought him out to see Grandpa and Grandma. Fraser and I had been writing letters back and forth for a while and I felt connected to him but at the same time awkward. I knew he was going through a hard time and so badly wanted him to be able to feel better but I felt so young around him. I felt like there was nothing I could really do to ease his pain and I wanted to. My grandma talked to him and tried to give him advice. He and I went for a walk around town and he waited for me as I handed out resumes. However we didn't really talk about anything below the surface.

   Towards the end of the visit we were standing at the counter washing up lunch dishes together. Everyone else was talking in the living room. I was prattling on to him about high school and my simple little life, my friends, my homework load, my summer plans and my little troubles; all of a sudden I realized he was standing beside me crying. I did not know what to do. Fraser was so handsome and tall. He seemed so strong and in that moment I felt so little and inadequate.What could I do? I remember it so clearly ~ that feeling of helplessness.

  He asked if I would give him a hug and I did and he told me he was crying because my life sounded so happy, so simple and uncomplicated, and he missed the time when his life was like that too. I was still in high school but he had been graduated for a couple years. We had a good talk after that hug by the sink and he was kind to me. He spoke some powerful words of truth to me that I have never forgotten and he appreciated my heart and who I was in that moment. I felt so insignificant, foolish, awkward and silly but he saw my caring heart and appreciated me for that. When I drove away I didn't know what was to come but our family lost him soon after that. I have been ever grateful for those last moments I had with him.

Happy Birthday Fraser ~You are missed

Happy Summer Holidays For Here They Are!!!!

 

    Summer rain is upon us as is the first few days of summer holidays. Today marks most children's last day of school for their year. My oldest daughter's last day was on Wednesday. Yesterday was not a smooth transition. There were lots of underlying reasons I think. She was sick, it was pouring rain and she felt anxious at the lack of routine and unknowns. The house was a mess because we had the pipes in our back yard crumble. We had no water for a day and a bit and in this size of space with one bathroom and all the littles here...it meant a lot of dirt and mud, a lot of dishes, and a house that smelled of sewage. My amazing husband took care of the problem with super human swiftness but the next day I was tired and the house was a disaster and it was her first day of holidays. It took me quite a while before I could pull everyone together and up and out of the slump and fighting we had fallen into. We started by getting whatever clothes on we chose and then piling into the car. We then went to a donut shop and got enough for every child to have one and for mom to have two (and the option of three if she felt the need)! Happy munching commenced and we headed to a lovely walking spot. By the way while I am typing right now the baby is sleeping on my lap and my arm is extended typing while his head is resting on it. The weird things I must do to be able to blog. When we got to the walking spot it started raining ever harder then before. I had no coat and the baby had fallen asleep. We all got out and I took the baby in my arms and we started walking in the rain. It didn't take long before I could tell everyone was feeling uplifted. We watched the rain drops plop into the water raising bubbles. We listened to it hit the water and the leaves and the grass. We heard birds singing cheerily and watched ducks swim by. The two middle children took off their coats and ran and ran in the rain getting their heads soaked. My oldest carried the babie's boots that had fallen off. He had bare legs and a sweater on and slept heavily through it all. We had a lovely time. By the time we got back we were wet through and much happier. When we got home we had a much smoother evening. I was completely exhausted though. Four children on rainy days in a small very messy space takes a lot out of me.  It would take a lot out of anyone. Now I am nursing the baby and typing with one hand. Happy summer holidays one and all. I hope for a lazy old fashioned simple summer sprinkled with happiness and many more lovely walks and time with friends. May yours be all you hope it to be. xo

All The Empires Of The Earth

    This post comes from a lot of places in me and I am not sure how it will come across but I am writing out of a place of sadness today. I have friends who live near and far and many of them are going through hard times right now. I have just had someone pass away that was a monumental figure in my life and I am thinking about the future and relationships, time, and how we all die in the end.

  What do we long for most on this earth?

  When we REALLY think about it? We long to be known, we long to be cherished, we long to feel that we are enough, that we are loved and that we matter to someone. We want this from our spouse, we want this from our friends, from our siblings, our grandparents, and most importantly from our parents.

   The reality is is that our world is a place full of disrepair. So many broken battered humans doing what they can to keep going. Regardless of this no matter how old we get the desire to be loved and connected NEVER goes away. No matter how wounded you are, how bitter or completely done, somewhere inside will be that longing for love. When I am eighty and sick I will be wishing so desperately for my mother's comfort  and that wish will stay with me to my last breathe. I can guarantee you that.

  Life goes by quickly. When we are little it crawls by, we are always waiting! We are waiting to be big enough to go to school, waiting for summer vacation, waiting to be TEN cause we will be TWO digits. Then we are waiting to be THIRTEEN cause we will be a TEENAGER. Onwards it goes, but then at some point we realize how quickly time is flying by. It gets dizzying. All of a sudden we realize high school graduation was almost twenty years ago. We realize we don't have babies anymore they are hitting puberty. We realize we are hitting middle age and the beauty we have always wished for has always been there and it is fading fast, we realize we are going to be grandparents or retire! I don't think anyone just FEELS old. It is always a shock to realize that time has flown by so quickly. We always are looking forward in someways as to what is coming next but at some point we start looking back. We realize all we could have done, all we should have done, all we missed, and most of these longings are in regards to relationship.

We can't go back in time. All we have is right now.

We have this beautiful moment right here. It is fleeting, so so fleeting. It will be gone.

  So many of us are focused on things that in the end are not as important as they seem right now. It might be a dream home, all the vacations to the various places, experiences we are intent on having. To some degree of course this is wonderful. Others of us spend so much time lost in our selves. We focus on what we don't have, our lack, our pain, our limitations. We miss what we have right now. We all have something to celebrate. Even if it just that we have eyes to see. When it comes down to it though in the end did the people in your life, your family, your friends, your children ~ did they feel understood, connected to you? Are you leaving an imprint on their lives that will carry on to generations?

Because you could.

We have been given a very great gift. The gift of choice.

   What are putting all you have into? What choices are you making? Who are you focusing on pouring into? Is it the houses you are building? The boss you are working for? The co workers? Is it a dream of prosperity or success? Fame? The bitterness you hold against others? The anger you hold deep inside? The pride you carefully nurture? Are you giving your best to this? If you are maybe stop for a minute and take stock of your family, the friends you have, the people in your life that actually love you...... Are they happy? Are they feeling loved by you and understood? Or are they grieved by your attitudes, your demands, your lack of empathy, your goals that throw them to the wayside?

They are the ones that actually matter, these ones that love you, that you could love better.

  They are the ones that deserve your best. It might feel that somehow they are asking too much and that all you are doing is actually for them in the end. However it isn't for them is it? It is for you, for you pride, for you to feel better in this crazy whirl wind we call life. I can guarantee that if they truly love you they would give it all up (whatever it is that you are spending all your best time and energy on) to have your love, attention, understanding, your joy and focus, and compassion. It would mean everything.

  It is so easy to get caught up in this massive race we are all running but we don't have to run it. It is not mandatory no matter how many people tell you it is.

  Relationships, connection, attachment, love, honesty, purity, commitment.....These are the real life givers and I am preaching this to myself.  Oh help me remember this to my very marrow.

  Sometimes it is good to step back and make some big changes. Money wont buy you happiness when all is said and done. In the end you can have millions and if your children don't love you or respect you and you are alone ~ those millions will not comfort you. All the empires of the earth will fall one day.

Love lasts ~ it transcends time ~ it heals.

xo

Are You Paralyzed By Anxiety Today?

  Some days I am home literally paralyzed by anxiety. Sometimes it is my own ~ sometimes it is not. I was thinking today about if that might be you. If you are home paralyzed by whatever it is that is paralyzing you...because anxiety has a lot of different faces...I am thinking about you right now! I just wanted to reach out to you. Maybe I can help for a minute. Can you start by doing some deep breathing? Just slowly breathe in through your nose and hold it for five seconds. Then can you slowly push it out through your mouth? Do that again and a couple more times but don't pass out from it :) You want to get your heart rate down a little. Are you cold or really hot? If you are cold could you get a soft warm blanket or a hot water bottle and cuddle yourself up? You could have a warm bath or shower also. Or if you are too hot get a cool cloth for your forehead and the back of your neck.

  Your thoughts might be racing out of control or your brain might feel scarily empty. However you are reading this ~ so direct your thoughts, take control. Direct them to the fact that you are you. Say your name a couple times out loud. Say a color out loud a couple times. Say some kind words out loud. Say them to yourself ~ out loud.
 
 There are not going to be any children reading this I am assuming and so although as adults we often 'feel' like children we are adults at least in body. So it is time to get on your big girl or big boy garb whatever that is. Is it a hat? Coat? Runners? Necklace? Lipstick? Whatever it is get that on and let yourself know you are a grown up. Focus on your favorite color and peaceful place. Focus on the fact that you are cared for, that you are not forgotten, that you have purpose and deserve to have dreams. Focus on the fact that there is still good and beauty on the earth and that it is not all dark and filled with hopelessness even if right now it feels to you like it is.

  Have you eaten yet? If you feel you can't eat get yourself a drink at least. Hot tea, hot chocolate, water with lemon, just plain water whatever you can get your hands on and drink a whole cup. You need to eat at some point too because you are an adult! No one needs to feed you even if it feels like they should. Do you have a beautiful or encouraging favorite song you could put on? Now might be a good time.

  So take some times. Time to breathe, time to take care of you. Take control of your thoughts. Nurture your body and spirit.

 You can do today. It just might take some time
xo

A Weekend Ramble

   This weekend our family went up to a mountain we are now in love with. This mountain seems full of good people and they were having a community ramble. You met up at the community hall and bought a ticket and some good food and got a map and headed out to different homes on the mountain that were having open houses. Our family only made it to two places but it was really lovely. I brought my camera. It was not a bright day but the flowers were lovely. I don't have an editing program so every picture is just as it was taken. I didn't take any pictures at the community hall but the moment I walked in I was taken back in time to when I was little. We grew up spending time at the community hall where we lived. It was the Fallen Alders Hall. My granny had her birthday there. I took ceramics class there and there were numerous dances, Christmas parties and so much more there. Walking into this hall made me so happy and long to be a small town girl again.

My mom came on the ramble with us which was wonderful. Can you imagine if this was you property? This elderly couple had acres and acres of Iris and other flowers. It was hard to comprehend all hours that have been spent outside planting.

After we left the Iris house we didn't do much else but I took a few more pictures. I was glad to have had this experience.

Spirit Soul

 An excerpt from a book called 'Healing the Wounded Spirit'

'First God breathes spirit into us and then we become soul. The breath of God's life is our own personal spirit. Our spirit experiences the events of life in our body, and reacts, our soul is formed. We see the soul as a structure of heart and mind, characters and personality through which our spirit continues to encounter life and express responsively according to the way it has interpreted experience. We see 'self' as an aspect of our soul. As we develop the structure of our character in which the mind and heart interplay, that entire soul becomes in some areas a temple through which our spirits gloriously worships God and meets others or in other areas a captivity or worse yet an armored tank by which our spirit rushes out to attack others. The soul is more like clothing and the spirit lives in and through it. '

'The spirit requires nurture. We are spiritual bodies. 
Sin fractured the ability of the personal spirit to sustain the body.
Our spirits flow past our skin to commune with others through touch (eg. mother holding baby)
Our spirits have energies or some kind of rays that reaches beyond our bodies.
Prayer is essential for the Spirit - communing with God.
Our spirit withers within us if we do not nurture it, feed it, and our children's will as well.
God's laughter is in the chuckle of a friend. His Spirit touches us in the flit of a monarch butterfly on the wing. God is in all and through all touching us. Only as we commune with Him directly do we retain capacity to let His Spirit touch ours meaningfully through creation.'

When My Children Take Pictures

   Sometimes my camera gets 'borrowed' and when I go to take pictures I find odd pictures I did not take. This has been happening more through the years and I love it. It means my children are copying me and wanting to document things for themselves they want to remember. One of the first times this happened was about four years ago when my oldest was seven. She had gotten up super early as she always does and decided to make fudge. When I got up there was a pan of disgusting looking brown fudge with blue icing. She had used the wrong sugar and the whole thing was a flop however I grabbed the camera to take some pictures of her creation. As I was looking through them after I realized that she had documented her whole baking process on the camera herself. It was so awesome :) Here are some pictures I found when I downloaded my pictures today.

My girls like to do their dolls hair. That means they trim, 'dye' and curl just to name a few.

Little baby got some ink and is trying out a bike helmet.

My nine year old is starting to get into doing art work. He is really proud of his creations and so he takes pictures of them.

My five year old was setting up her stuffy family so she did some family photos and also some individual beauty shots.

                              Someone must have wanted to document her tree climbing I guess.

                                              My nine year old documenting more of his art work.

Apparently my baby boy was dressed up as a baby girl one morning by his older sis and she took some pictures of it.

                          My oldest making apple turnovers and documenting the finished product.

                          I know ~ nothing crazy, but it is cute to me. Have a great weekend xo

Poor Guy

    Last night I got mad at my husband. Again. See, I want him to be me because I guess I think I am perfect. Now obviously I DON'T think I am perfect but I sure must come across to him that way. If I really REALLY break it down in my head this is what happened. I came in the door after being gone for a couple hours. It was 7:30pm and all my children are watching movies. 7:30 is sort of bed time here and I say sort of because two children do not fall asleep before 10:00pm most nights but we still aim for 7:30 for some reason; I guess because the oldest needs to be in bed as early as possible as she is such an early riser. Anyway so I walk in the door, they are all watching TV, dinner is on the counter (so not put away) food is everywhere on the table, floors etc and the house is a mess. I did not leave the kitchen or dining room in perfect condition but it had certainly not been that bad. So my shoulders drop as coming home to this state is not new, and I go into action mode. My husband is sort of slumped on the bed and remains as such as I get the children's teeth brushed (I hate this chore! Anyone with me? I think because the children put me through the wringer almost every single time) and try to wrangle these little ones who don't listen to me well into bed. I am tired, have red lipstick and a garish ballet outfit on and my hair in two french braids because I just came from pictures. I am tired and feel done so I am snappy and rude. I try to tell myself that when HE comes home from going out he just falls into bed. He doesn't even think of cleaning up. He doesn't have to nurse a baby and anyway the thought train just keeps achuggin....
 
    I often find myself thinking that my husband gets to leave all day and that when he comes home he should be ready to take the reigns and that I should be able to have some sort of break. Usually my nerves feel fried and I am exhausted and I feel like I need a prince on a white horse. Now maybe if my husband had grown up seeing his dad do that every day for him mom it would be a bit easier but every day his dad came home and sat in a chair, put his feet up and basically did not move again unless he was being served dinner. So when my husband comes home he showers and puts clean clothes on and then lets the kids climb all over him. He helps put the children to bed also. To him that is a big step up from his dad, and I'll give him props because it is. However I really REALLY want a knight on a white horse. I really need someone to swoop in and let me have a spa hour every single evening. I feel I need someone to let me forget I am a mom every evening just for a while and I need a fairy god mother to clean up the house and do the laundry and dishes so when I re enter my reality it is sparkly and fresh.

  Spa hour? That just came into my head. I have had a couple incredible spa experiences where I have felt so relaxed and cared for so I guess maybe every evening I am wishing to relive that. However my husband has worked his tail off all day. Yesterday he had worked on a roof. His back was in a lot of pain. The children fought the whole time I was gone and he was so tired. His dinner did not agree with him and he had a lot of stresses on his mind. I guess HE needed a knight and I was a nag. We were both tired and drained.

So that sucked.

I know perfectly well that when my husband goes to work he is not reclining on some cozy recliner sippin somethin sweet. He has a physical job and he is often in charge of the site he is on. He often deals with customers who are rude, in panic mode, and need some sort of assurance and care. So he does this all day and then walks into..well....our house; and it is not usually a pretty sight.

I have realized that in this stage of the game...
 As parents to younger children...

The word we need hanging from our foreheads is grace!!!!
If we could only treat each other with grace, communicate with clarity and be fair! Wow things would be so much better.
There is no knight! There is no white horse. There are dirty diapers and fighting and dishes that never end. There are so many nights of no sleep and long days that never seem to end. There is endless laundry and bills to be payed and food to prepare and a lawn to mow every weekend. The list is endless and grace is what makes this possible to accomplish.
There is no fairy godmother either unfortunately (at least most of the time) there is just you and him. Him and I. We've got to navigate this together or the together is not going to last. 

So tonight when he gets home I sure hope I can pretend my name is Grace for a bit and be understanding of his need to stare at his phone, text people constantly,  have a half an hour shower and not be very present during dinner. I hope I can be kind when I feel like I have things I NEED...because he has needs too! I am not the sacrificial lamb here but either is he. We are both in this together!!!!!

And onwards I go.

John Green (my grandfather)

  My grandfather passed away May 28th. I have wanted to write something regarding this but have not been sure what exactly to say. When my grandma passed away four years ago my grandpa wanted to join her as he felt life without her was not worth living and so the last four years of life for him have consisted of not so patiently waiting. That has been complicated for all family involved. We wanted to see him happy but he chose to describe himself as a non person and view his aging process as de humanizing and horrific. After observing what he went through I think I get it. So I think I am glad he is gone because I choose to believe he is happy and with my grandma again, but I wish it could have been a different sort of goodbye.

  When I think of my grandpa there are a lot of different things that go through my head. He was strong and loud. When he had a point or he had an opinion he stuck to it. It was pretty hard to convince him otherwise. He was very smart. He liked adventure and the great out doors but I don't think he liked it because he felt connected to nature or that the beauty spoke to him. I think he liked a challenge and I think he liked to feel like he had conquered something. He had a sail boat that he built and it was the first fiberglass sail boat ever and that boat was something he was very dedicated to. He spent hours on it and went on many great adventures on it. All of his family experienced at some point or another sail boating the Grandpa Green way and that is all I will say about that. My grandpa was married to a woman who made his life good and I dont think I have a single memory of just my grandpa before my grandma passed away. They were a team when I was growing up. If I picture my grandpa in my mind I see him sitting in the corner of their living room that had his grand oak desk. For many years there would be the clicking and ching of the typewriter and later on the sound of a key board. He was a writer and a news paper man. He was often talking loudly on the phone to someone also and it was often long distance so we would need to be a bit quiet.

  Years ago for one of my grandpa's birthdays I decided to write him a letter letting him know what he had taught me in life. I wanted to tell him then (and not wish I had told him later after he had passed away) what I thought of him and how he had impacted me. The letter ended up making him mad but that was because the memory I shared was not exactly one of our best ones. Is was happened was I was staying with my grandparents for some reason and we had gone to Deer lake for a 'hike'. I was wearing thin tennis shoes and some long shorts so not exactly great hiking gear. I had imagined a pretty hike on a little path around a lake. In reality it was the typical grandpa hike. There was no trail. No trail at all. We had to cross through bogs, crawl over many windfalls, and fight through devils club and undergrowth. This was in 1993 so I was eleven. I had one time before had a 'fight' with my grandpa and it involved us both yelling at each other. In that instance I had won. This time as I was getting covered in scratches and getting whipped in the face by branches and covered in mud I was getting angrier and angrier. This was NOT what I had agreed to. I had asked to go back numerous times but maybe my grandpa felt I needed some toughening up or something so he did not agree. He also loved a good challenge and he wanted to conquer walking the whole way around that lake with no trail. We were going farther and farther away from the lake shoreline as the forest was thick and areas close to the lake so boggy. At one point we got to the shore line and I was fuming. I told my grandpa in no uncertain terms that I was NOT going to go back to the car through the forest. I told him I was going to wade through the lake. He told me I most certainly WAS going back through the forest and I said absolutely not. Keep in mind I am eleven. I am scrawny and have long red hair and am wearing long pink shorts that hit just below my knees. My grandpa is very tall and loud and powerful. So there we were yelling at each other and suddenly my grandma intervened. I don't think she did much of this in her life time with him until after she had a stroke then she stood up to him a lot more. Anyway she told him she was also not walking back to the car through the forest and that she was going to join me in wading through the lake. That settled it. My grandpa stomped away into the forest and my grandma and I gingerly waded through the lake along the shore line to the vehicle. From what I remember the ride home was very quiet. My grandpa and I got in a couple more fights like this throughout my life time and I always won. It wasn't that it felt good to win. Not at all ~ it felt awful, but sometimes I just had to stand up for myself or for something that mattered to much to me to be intimidated by some yelling and name calling.

In sharing this story I told my grandpa in his birthday letter that he had taught me to be a trail blazer. He had taught me there does not need to be a nice path. There does not need to be an easy route because you can just blaze your own. Throughout my life I have often felt like there is not an easy path I am supposed to take. I often feel like I am stomping and fighting through underbrush because for heaven's sake I can even though I feel I can't. There are points when I say enough is enough and I take my break but learning that part is important also. My grandpa spent years researching the Sasquatch and became well known because of the books he wrote, prints he found,research he did, and the expert he became on the topic. He blazed a trail that not many had dared to blaze. I remember that when I got married I had to change the wedding date because he was speaking at a conference in place of Jane Goodall!! Although he offered to charter a private jet to get to my wedding I felt that I could change the date to a different weekend without much drama!

There are reasons that each person becomes who they are and I often wondered why my grandpa had turned out the way he did. In listening to stories, reading old letters and talking to my grandma I feel like I  understood why he was so persistent, so intense, so opinionated and loyal, and in some ways wounded.

In the last year I did not see my grandpa much at all. It was so hard to see him for multiple reasons but when we did see him he was so happy to see us and my children loved him dearly. He was not able to take them on hikes or up into the mountains to feed whisky jacks like he did for me. They did not see him running the sand sculpture competition in Harrison Hot Springs or playing tennis. They did not see him coming in from Bingo wearing his Lions Club vest or at a Yacht Club BBQ. They didn't see him hiking with the hiking club and he didn't get a chance to teach them how to wash dishes PROPERLY. He taught me this skill for years until one day I impatiently exclaimed that he had been teaching me this for YEARS and I told him word for word how to do it. He quietly said something along the lines of...'well I guess you've got it' and from then on I was left to wash dishes in peace. My children were not at his house when he gave a radio interview over the phone. They did not drive into Vancouver with him and my grandma and sit in a waiting room while he gave a television interview. They got bits and pieces of him but I got it all. I was so blessed by so much that he and my grandma did to show me so many things in life I might never have experienced otherwise.

However my children DID get to play board games with him. When he got heated because they just did not GET IT I would remind him they were little and he would calm down. My three oldest loved to play battling tops with him and my oldest loved to play Monopoly with him. They loved to have him read them stories and he did this with them up until the last time they saw him. He played creepy mice with them and showed them the Coocoo in the Coocoo Clock. Something else he did for them was take our family out for dinner. He did this because he knew how tired I was and that taking us out for dinner gave me a break. He took us out for countless dinners and my children loved it. They were introduced to cheese cake and Chinese food buffet because of him :) They did get to go on the boat with him and they did get to go to Minter Gardens with him weekly which we all loved so much.  They got to go to Kilby's Museum with him. They did get to play pillow fights with him and see him blow out the candles on his cake which was always such a show. They got so see both him and my grandma at the Agassiz fall fair. They did get to go for fall walks with him. They also were given special birthday gifts at times and they felt very loved. So did I. I know my grandma loved me dearly and so did my grandpa. They had different ways of showing it but their presence in my life changed it, impacted it, molded it so much. My life was rich because of their time and love that they invested in me.

 I will miss my grandparents. I have already missed them so much these last few years. Now that they are both gone I feel like a chapter in my life is forever closed. I feel like there are certain things that I now feel more strongly then ever  that I want to pass down to my children from my grandparents.

So many meals around my grandparent's table started with this prayer said very quickly and a bit quietly by my grandpa ~

'For what we are about to receive may the Lord make us truly thankful
Amen'

I am truly thankful for all I received.

How I wish some parts of life did not have to come to an end

xo

Thoughts On Cats (A Farm Story)

  I have mixed feelings about cats. Don't we all to some degree? Our first cat on our family farm we named Orange Peel ( I think my dad had that brilliant idea) and he was technically my sister's cat. He was orange and white. He was the best cat in the world you know why? He thought he was a dog. He came from a friend and they gave him to us a little too early. Our dog had had puppies around the same time he had been born and so when he came to us, instead of resenting him as our dog usually resented any animal that took up our affection, she adopted him as her own! The other puppies accepted him as a sibling. He nursed from our dog and rough housed with the puppies. It was so cute to see all these puppies piling on this kitten and the kitten able to hold its own! Eventually when all the puppies were gone Orange Peel was the only child left and he and our dog had a very special bond. They often wrestled together. Acquaintances to our family would be startled to see a dog and cat staring each other down across from each other on the lawn and then racing full tilt, in seemingly full attack mode, at each other. We would not bat an eye and they would be freaking out that the animals were going to kill each other. They would tumble over each other snarling and hissing but having the time of their lives.
  Orange Peel was the sweetest most affectionate cat you could ask for. I remember a day I was sitting in the green house on a bale of hay crying forlornly over some heartbreak. He quietly came up beside me and licked the tears off my cheek and then curled up on my lap purring up a storm. It was so comforting during a moment I felt cold and alone. That was one of the last times I saw him. He led quite an exciting life as he was not neutered. He roamed the neighborhood and got into passionate fights. He kept us (okay me) hopping with all his wounds as some of them were quite life threatening! One day he just didn't come home. We kept hope for quite a while as concerned neighbors told us stories of cats that came home months later. We somehow knew though that if he could have come home he would have because he would have missed his mom (our dog). One day our neighbor found him in their field and he was quite dead. We think maybe he got kicked by a horse or cow or something. We had a very emotional burial and mourned him quite properly. We have had four other family cats since and none have been quite like him. I always thought that maybe all cats were like our four other family cats and that Orange Peel was so sweet because he thought he was a dog.
  However I was surprised years later to find another cat that reminded me so much of Orange Peel. When my husband and I lived on the family farm for a while we had mice. I have blogged about that previously. I felt the need for a cat and that turned into two cats as my dad had a co worker that needed to give her cats to a good home. These cats were siblings, named Charley and Wednesday, and they had been rescued, almost dead, as kittens from a dumpster. When they first arrived they hid for days in our house. One of them (Charley) was especially shy. Wednesday was much smaller than Charley and warmed up to us a lot faster. She was obsessed with always having food and knowing where it was. She was a bit of a stress case and took very good care of Charley. She kept him groomed and snuggled and very loved on. He was the shy quiet, much larger, brother. He hid for days and I was worried we might never have a chance with him. One night however I was lying on my couch reading and all of a sudden quietly and sweetly Charley stole up and snuggled onto my chest just under my chin. His big furry body relaxed and he started to purr. My eyes welled up with tears. I felt like he had just entrusted his precious heart to me and I was right. From then on Charley worked hard to prove how much he loved me. He caught all the evil mice invading my home. He faithfully brought me snakes, rats and other fruits of his labor to show me. When we had to move I knew I could not take them with me. We were moving to a busy street in town. They were used to being outside when they wanted and we had lived far off the road. I felt like I could not handle the heart break if one of them got hit by a car. They were so bonded to each other.  I had to give them away and it brought back the heart ache of so many other goodbyes. Some animals just love you and they love you right. They trust you unconditionally and if you get a chance to experience that it changes your life.
  So, out there in this world there are cats and then there are CATS. Some of them are the sweetest, loyalest, kindest animals; and some of them are fiends and I found that out just like every other human :) I am thankful for my Orange Peel cat and my Charley cat and I miss them. They were treasures that will never be forgotten.

Flowers At Worship

 ' The conservatory was empty of humans - just the flowers - and they were at worship and let me join them. Cyclamen, pink, red, purple - red rose; prunella; little pink begonia, pots of green, it was very holy in there. They were worshiping as hard as they knew how, fulfilling the job God gave them to do. The stream of life, God's life, was passing through them. You could feel their growth and their praise rising up to God and singing not as we humans sing but glorifying in their own way; their faces pure and lovely, growing, fulfilling every moment.' Emily Carr