Fraser Howard Ennis

  Tomorrow marks the birthday of my cousin Fraser. He would have been thirty seven I believe. I have not seen him in a very long time now,  but the last time I DID see him is etched in my memory.

   It is fitting that the last time I saw him was at my grandparent's. Their house was a constant and safe place for a lot of their grandchildren to escape to at different times. I was there that day to hand out resumes because I wanted to get a job for the summer in my grandparents town. He was there because he had not been doing well and his brother had brought him out to see Grandpa and Grandma. Fraser and I had been writing letters back and forth for a while and I felt connected to him but at the same time awkward. I knew he was going through a hard time and so badly wanted him to be able to feel better but I felt so young around him. I felt like there was nothing I could really do to ease his pain and I wanted to. My grandma talked to him and tried to give him advice. He and I went for a walk around town and he waited for me as I handed out resumes. However we didn't really talk about anything below the surface.

   Towards the end of the visit we were standing at the counter washing up lunch dishes together. Everyone else was talking in the living room. I was prattling on to him about high school and my simple little life, my friends, my homework load, my summer plans and my little troubles; all of a sudden I realized he was standing beside me crying. I did not know what to do. Fraser was so handsome and tall. He seemed so strong and in that moment I felt so little and inadequate.What could I do? I remember it so clearly ~ that feeling of helplessness.

  He asked if I would give him a hug and I did and he told me he was crying because my life sounded so happy, so simple and uncomplicated, and he missed the time when his life was like that too. I was still in high school but he had been graduated for a couple years. We had a good talk after that hug by the sink and he was kind to me. He spoke some powerful words of truth to me that I have never forgotten and he appreciated my heart and who I was in that moment. I felt so insignificant, foolish, awkward and silly but he saw my caring heart and appreciated me for that. When I drove away I didn't know what was to come but our family lost him soon after that. I have been ever grateful for those last moments I had with him.

Happy Birthday Fraser ~You are missed