I am thinking about verbal abuse for numerous reasons. A family member recently passed away and he was someone who throughout his life time struggled with being verbally abusive. I am thinking about a friend who has just had to leave her husband after years of marriage because she finally realized she had more worth than he constantly told her she had. He told her she had none and that was absolutely not true.
There are many kinds of abuse but one that I feel quite familiar with is the verbal kind. I have experienced a whole gamut of abuse in my thirty four years and the ugliness and darkness, the gaping caverns, that abuse causes to a soul has no bottom. When you are in it and experiencing it your body is in this constant state of hyper vigilance. There are certain ways everyone copes and they are different for everyone. When I was growing up I noted the people around me who lived with verbal abuse and they were all so different! I am thinking of women as I write this because that is who I observed.
Some shone like the sun. They worked hard on looking beautiful always, they were happy and sweet and brought light everywhere they went. You wouldn't know that at home there was much darkness. These women were strong and capable of seemingly everything....but if they were...why did they not leave their abusive situations? When I think back I am amazed at what these woman could accomplish. They were in overdrive all the time. How did they never collapse? It was because they loved so deeply they couldn't. They loved their children and they wanted to love their spouse. They did all they could to make their lives good. However in the end life was never good because they were not strong enough to leave the abuser. So no matter how much they worked on creating a wonderful life it wasn't.
Then there were the women who were quiet, unassuming and a bit distant or even vacant. You could get close to them to a certain extent but there were certain doors that were not to be opened in their souls and so you never felt very close to them. They also accomplished much but it was not as obvious or flashy. They were as strong as iron although they might not appear as such.
Realize that if you live with verbal abuse and are taking a verbal bashing consistently the fact that you are still WITH the abuser is a sign that you are VERY strong. At the same time you are weak. How does that feel to hear that? Of course you are weak! Or course you are. The strength you have to survive is admirable and really super human, but at the same time the abuse has worn you to a raveling and somewhere someone needs to extend a life line to you, but you need the strength to reach out your hand and close your fingers around that life line and then...THEN... DON'T LET GO! OR even more revolutionary you need to create your own life line ~ what would that look like to you?
Verbal abusers are usually very anxious insecure and battered people themselves. They just can't handle the demands of life. Holding down a job, dealing with the demands of children and needs of their spouse and life in general is too much. Life to them is one massive screeching black board. They are reactionary and unable to cope. This results in the yelling, the name calling, the irrational thinking and inability to help themselves and stop the cycle. It is tragic ~ so tragic. As a spouse or a victim in any type of relationship to this type of person you see this. You see their angst and their pain and you love them. You want to help them and you do your best. You often try unendingly in numerous ways. You know what? You did a wonderful job I know it. However this person needs to realize that they need to help themselves and you need to realize your responsibility is to yourself and your children. You cannot change someone no matter how hard you try ~ neither can you be their healer.
If you are in a verbally abusive relationship or any type of abusive relationship it is okay to get out and to get help for yourself. It really is okay.
I grew up in a Christian family and unfortunately that often (not always!) heaps on the issues in regards to abuse. Divorce or even boundaries in marriage are often frowned upon. I know I personally have been told to pray harder etc...when I was talking to a christian counselor about my own abusive situation and thankfully I knew enough by then to know that was absolute crock. Praying is great yes, important yes, vital yes, but at the same time I needed to be protected and I needed to be safe.
If you work up the strength to create some strong boundaries in the relationship (and that can have many faces) you will need people around you to help you maintain them. The power the abuser has over you is probably very great. There are emotional, physical, mental and emotional ties you have created with this person. Sometimes just hearing their voice can cause you to bend or fold or break. Just one encounter that is negative with that person no matter how much time has passed can bring it all up again and you feel exactly like that child you were or that adult you were during the abusive time. It is called trauma. All this abuse you are going through or have gone through ~ it causes trauma. Trauma doesn't just go away on its own. It stays and lingers and it waits to rear its ugly head. It needs to be addressed and you need healing.
Lovey if you are going through this, if you have gone through this... know this.
No matter how many times you were sworn at, called an idiot, dummy, stupid, worthless, weak, ugly, pointless, whatever the choice words were and no matter if it was told in a very soft voice or yelled at you at the top of their lungs....no matter how many times that happened ~ it wasn't ever for a minute true.
You are not those words
You are not
If you have been hearing those words all your life...your entire life
It could stop
It could stop here
See, everyone has beauty. Everyone has value. Everyone has worth. So if EVERYONE has it...that means YOU do. It means you have beauty and value and worth every single minute of every single day. No one is perfect no matter how much they try and that is okay because it isn't possible and it isn't necessary.
It is time to break off some chains, lift up your head, step back from the cycle and really look around you with new eyes. Can you see yourself? Can you see your children? If someone extended you a lifeline could you take it? Could you make your own life line?
You deserve it ~ you really do.
Living in a reality where someone consistently tears you down with their words, tone, eyes, etc is not living. It is a slow death while you are still breathing. There is power of life and death in the tongue. It is a powerful tool. You do not have to live in that reality no matter how long you have already. It could be thirty years, it could be five it could be five months.
You are beautiful, you are precious deep within and without. You are precious and always have been and always will be. Don't let anyone tell you differently ever again.
XO Tansy
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