Tonight I went for a quick little drive alone to drop off a gift to a friend for her birthday. There was a magnificent sunset. I don't have many complaints about my house but if I did have one it would be that I can't see the sunset from it. Sunsets are a unique sort of beautiful. Their colors range from the palest hues of blues and peaches to deep rich pinks and purples. The magnificence is completely different each night. Tonight the sunset was a flaming pink and it deepened as night came. As I drove to my friend's house there were all different perspectives and views of the sunset. At one point one lone dark tree was back lit in a field with mountains framing it on either side deep in the back ground with the sunset behind. It was so beautiful. When I drive alone I finally find a minute for my brain to process the things that have been building up as I go through my days. They are very full days that often go on without end. These were some of my thoughts:
There is an artist in the world right now, a very famous rapper, that has recently fully committed his life to Jesus. He has just released an album that is called 'Jesus Is King' and he is proclaiming really publicly how his life has changed. He has previously lived a lifestyle and rapped about things totally opposite to living a life for Jesus and has also thought of himself as pretty much on par with Jesus. I have listened to a couple of his interviews and for some reason his words have moved me to tears multiple times. I feel like his words are so vital right now to the world. He talks a lot about culture and how it is dictating everyone's movements. He discusses how taking an Instagram photo is more important to most people than relationships and how we are spending our money on things that really don't mean anything and how we could be investing in the future with our money. He talks about so many things that people are too scared to discuss anymore because of the back lash and hatred they will experience. He also just talks about how Jesus has brought him a lot of freedom in areas of addiction and darkness. It resonates with me on so many levels.
Why does it resonate so deeply? I really dislike the culture I am living in. I don't fit at all. I am really grieved about how relationships have changed, how everyone is so addicted to their screens and how they value that over everything else. I feel anxious about the lack of humanity online that I see every day and the pressure that my children feel to own cell phones and be online at such young ages; and how other children are not allowed to have contact with each other other than with devices. I hate that my husband and I just watch separate screens every night and rarely even make eye contact. Most people really dont want to have phone conversations anymore as texting is so much more convenient. I feel like I am living in the wrong era. I just want to buy massive amounts of acres, have my husband home, work hard, live well, and be in healthy real relationships. If I never have to see a cell phone again or hear the chime of a text, that must immediately be answered, sign me up! It is so socially acceptable to feel like a cell phone has precedent over any situation. 'Call waiting' is literally the most rudest unkind thing and texts are the worst. I am just having my own Kanye moment over here. This is what I think. This is who I am. My almost fifteen year old does not have a cell phone much to her shame. A fifteen year old without a cell phone in this day and age in this society is socially not really acceptable. I am proud I dont own a cell phone myself and if she never has one I wll be the happiest person ever. It will ruin her with its lies of dissatisfaction, unreality and filth. It will cause her even more anxiety, addiction, and whatever else it can if she allows it. The amount of hours a cell phone steals from your life is unprecedented and disgusting. Imagine if you didn't care about what anyone on social media was doing, selling, where they were travelling, what they were wearing, what they thought was so important, and you just focused on spending time talking and seeing and being with real people!? Imagine?!
It is the next day now and I had to take my baby to the doctor. This office is in a small heritage home and the waiting room is tiny. Chairs are crowded together and today it was filled with elderly people. For about fifteen minutes no one had cell phones out. It was me, seven elderly people and my baby. Everyone asked questions about my baby. I was told about their grandchildren and the time when they had young children. They loved every smile, every movement of my little one. They exclaimed over her smile, her little teeth, they waved at her and the whole room was filled with joy. This experience was so beautiful to me I wanted to cry. Cell phones steal these every day moments that are meant to fill you with life.
What if you read real books, wrote on real paper, and looked at real flowers, hiked real mountains, stood in real streams, listened to waves in real life and were fully engaged in reality? What if when you were waiting somewhere you smiled at someone, complimented them, and saw them as real people. What if you when you went on a walk or to the park you didn't have your cell phone and just experienced the moments!
Full disclosure ~ I am addicted to social media. It is bondage. I feel this aching emptiness and crushing loneliness when I am not on it and yet even more so when I AM on it. If I want to call someone on the phone I know they dont want to talk as they are busy with their lives. I dont have a social community in real life that I spend time with regularly...therefore social media is this fake filler. It grieves me and I am trying to get a hold of it all and let it go ~ to embrace the fact that I am not lonely really. I have five children so I am far from alone! It is a battle I must win and I will.
Kanye talked about a lot other really amazing things that resonated with me. Maybe I will write more about that another day.
Whatever your real life is...aside from sparkling carefully curated instagram moments, may you be able to feel joy, have a sparkle in your eyes, see the beauty that is somewhere close and may you feel capable of the realization that cell phones are stealing from you, your cell phone is stealing something precious from you. What is it? Do you care? it is fine if you don't because I care enough for many :) Haha!
xo
Tuesday, 29 October 2019
Friday, 25 October 2019
Grandma
Dear Grandma,
First of all I miss you and all that in my mind made you special to me. I miss coming to your house and ringing the doorbell and then waiting. We would hear you coming to the door with grandpa. You usually both answered the door together. You had such a small front entry area and so we would all crowd in and somehow get our coats hung up on the banister and then spill up the three stairs. Your house was warm and cozy with the wood stove. Your TV was gigantic, but not always on, and the familiar tap tap of the type writer was a comforting back ground noise. Everyone loved the Coo Coo clock and the spinning chair and some of us loved the board games more than others, but I think we all loved the record player and the music equally. There were so many things we just knew we could do that we could count on. We could have scones and cookies out of the tin, a drink of juice, we could roll down the hill, scuff through the leaves, and walk around the lake. We could count on a home cooked meal for dinner and delicious lunches on our hikes. We could count on grandpa being on the phone and you gardening. We could try on your lipstick which was I think the only makeup you ever wore. You had beautiful colorful clothes and wore neck scarves so tastefully. You were tall and beautiful to me. You took me to art galleries and live music and you sewed with me and did many crafts. I just miss the fact that you wanted me around. I miss that you thought I was precious and you cared about who I was and what I was doing with my life. I miss that I felt at home there. I miss that since you've been gone I have never felt that again.
Life has been pretty hard without you. I have been so tired a lot of the time and I wish I could come to your house and lay my head down and feel the safety I felt when I was there. You and grandpa would just sit and watch TV and I would lay on the couch and there was something so simple and special about that. I want to feel that again and I just can't re create it. I feel like I am failing because I can't. My house is filled with parts of you. I have quilts you made and dresses you made. I have some of your furniture and dishes, your lamp and mixing bowls. I still only use your electric mixer. It has hung on. I have all this, and treasure it, because it reminds me of all you were, of the life you lived, of the eras you came through and the life you created. I know you went through a lot of trauma and a lot of hard ships. I know you were who you were because you needed to survive. I imagine there were many years where you felt like I feel now and you were far away from your family. You had five children and worked hard outside of the home. You must have felt like you were letting everyone down many times. I just hope I can weather all this and somehow come through and still write a book of poetry, still play piano, take my grandchildren to live music and show them Annie Get Your Gun and Puff The Magic Dragon and take them hiking like you did for us. I hope I can provide a house my children can always come to and where there will be frozen yogurt and bananas and freshly baked cookies and a big table everyone can fit around. At some point I think a Coo Coo clock would be a wise investment.
I wanted to write to you today, on here, because I have felt tears just under the surface for days and sometimes writing things out helps me. I am just so tired. Rose is getting her teeth and she is having a hard time sleeping. She is rolling everywhere really quickly and sticking everything in her mouth and choking all the time. You didn't have to contend with your children wanting cell phones and the social media addiction but you went through the World Wars and the Great Depression etc so I think you have me beat on every level. I just wish I could sit by you again and rest. I wish I could feel okay again for a little while.
Thanks so much for giving me that, I needed to know I was precious to someone. I hope that I can be that kind of grandma one day ~
I miss you so much
First of all I miss you and all that in my mind made you special to me. I miss coming to your house and ringing the doorbell and then waiting. We would hear you coming to the door with grandpa. You usually both answered the door together. You had such a small front entry area and so we would all crowd in and somehow get our coats hung up on the banister and then spill up the three stairs. Your house was warm and cozy with the wood stove. Your TV was gigantic, but not always on, and the familiar tap tap of the type writer was a comforting back ground noise. Everyone loved the Coo Coo clock and the spinning chair and some of us loved the board games more than others, but I think we all loved the record player and the music equally. There were so many things we just knew we could do that we could count on. We could have scones and cookies out of the tin, a drink of juice, we could roll down the hill, scuff through the leaves, and walk around the lake. We could count on a home cooked meal for dinner and delicious lunches on our hikes. We could count on grandpa being on the phone and you gardening. We could try on your lipstick which was I think the only makeup you ever wore. You had beautiful colorful clothes and wore neck scarves so tastefully. You were tall and beautiful to me. You took me to art galleries and live music and you sewed with me and did many crafts. I just miss the fact that you wanted me around. I miss that you thought I was precious and you cared about who I was and what I was doing with my life. I miss that I felt at home there. I miss that since you've been gone I have never felt that again.
Life has been pretty hard without you. I have been so tired a lot of the time and I wish I could come to your house and lay my head down and feel the safety I felt when I was there. You and grandpa would just sit and watch TV and I would lay on the couch and there was something so simple and special about that. I want to feel that again and I just can't re create it. I feel like I am failing because I can't. My house is filled with parts of you. I have quilts you made and dresses you made. I have some of your furniture and dishes, your lamp and mixing bowls. I still only use your electric mixer. It has hung on. I have all this, and treasure it, because it reminds me of all you were, of the life you lived, of the eras you came through and the life you created. I know you went through a lot of trauma and a lot of hard ships. I know you were who you were because you needed to survive. I imagine there were many years where you felt like I feel now and you were far away from your family. You had five children and worked hard outside of the home. You must have felt like you were letting everyone down many times. I just hope I can weather all this and somehow come through and still write a book of poetry, still play piano, take my grandchildren to live music and show them Annie Get Your Gun and Puff The Magic Dragon and take them hiking like you did for us. I hope I can provide a house my children can always come to and where there will be frozen yogurt and bananas and freshly baked cookies and a big table everyone can fit around. At some point I think a Coo Coo clock would be a wise investment.
I wanted to write to you today, on here, because I have felt tears just under the surface for days and sometimes writing things out helps me. I am just so tired. Rose is getting her teeth and she is having a hard time sleeping. She is rolling everywhere really quickly and sticking everything in her mouth and choking all the time. You didn't have to contend with your children wanting cell phones and the social media addiction but you went through the World Wars and the Great Depression etc so I think you have me beat on every level. I just wish I could sit by you again and rest. I wish I could feel okay again for a little while.
Thanks so much for giving me that, I needed to know I was precious to someone. I hope that I can be that kind of grandma one day ~
I miss you so much
Saturday, 19 October 2019
Marriage Reality and Encouragement. You are Probably Normal.
I have had this in my mind for a while and I want to write it out. I am not sure exactly how it will come out of me but lets hope it make sense. I have children talking to me as I write. They seem to think I can do multiple things at once...which I can actually...but it doesn't mean I want to.
I have been thinking about getting married and different things I hear women say to me after some years married when they are tired, disillusioned, feeling unloved and misunderstood and feeling done. You need to know a few things because it might really help further down the road. I will start at the beginning.
First of all ~ the way you feel dating is really wonderful, and often intoxicating. You can't keep your thoughts, your eyes, your hands, off each other. You can talk for hours. You feel SO loved, SO connected, and you feel like you will never ever get mad at this person or feel unloved by them. In the moment it feels really real and it is (in that moment). Here is reality though...as great as these feelings are...they are just that and they will fade to some degree. Then choice kicks in. Your person that you are so into right now is going to let you down, they are going to fail miserably in loving you ~ over and over again, and guess what...you will do the same. This is only reality if you decide to get married and vow to live out your days with them. When this happens (the letting down and the disappointment and disillusion that comes with this) you get to start being mature (or realizing you need to start maturing), growing up, and choosing to look beyond and behind the behavior to the deeper root of what is going on. You get to make the choice to recognize the precious choice of loving someone for who they are and showing them that love the way they feel it best.
Let's give an example here:
When I was dating my husband we kissed for hours, we talked on the phone for hours and I hated being separated from him. Fast forward sixteen years and things are just a tad different. Just a titch you know? Like the last time we talked for hours and it was not about the children was really precious. We have a lot going on. He is talking to his co workers all day and I am talking to children all day. By the time we have a few minutes alone we are burnt out not only from the day but from life. Is this horrible? Sometimes it feels like it. However I know that in reality my husband is giving me what he can. I am doing the same. There are times when we have more to give or we choose to go above and beyond to give even more than we have. Those moments are beautiful and binding. They are the glue that keeps us together. As time goes on and there is less demand in some areas we might be able to give more and that's okay. We are normal. We really are. As women I think we can tend to look back with wistful and sometimes unhappy thoughts to when we were dating. We thought he would always talk with us for hours or whatever it was that made us feel so loved and that helped us feel connected. Why is it so hard to feel connected now? What is the point of all this? Are there ways to combat this and make sure you don't disconnect too much? Well, yes there is!
If you are in a dating relationship now..hold all those date ideas and boundless creativity close. When you are married making 'dating each other' a priority is huge (this really just means connecting meaningfully with each other in a fun light hearted way). This may seem like a no brainer to you now if you are currently dating and dating is what you love. It also may seem impossible to a weary burnt out mom with little children and a husband who is working all the hours he can to make ends meet. When you have children, and no grandparents or trusted babysitter to help you with them, dates can quickly go out the window. However the heartbreaking cycle this creates is worth you putting time and energy into connecting. When your 'love and connection tank' is empty the claws come out and some women's claws are really nasty. A husband does not always have the time and energy to try to figure it all out. Is it hormones? Is it this, that, what is it?! In their confusion and feeling like a failure they are possibly not very kind when the wife is in a place where she needs the most kindness!
If you as the wife take the time to figure out what you need and make it happen this is going to make a lot of things less complicated.
I loved the idea of planning a date for you and a date for him once a month. Do something you love and then something he loves. Also picking some sort of topic that does not include your current whatever it is you always talk about....so children or work or whatever is key. Pick something you both find somewhat interesting and talk about it. If you absolutely can't leave the house plan an in house date. Pick a show you love, buy some delicious snacks and light a candle. You could have a shower together, you could cook together, you could do a crossword puzzle or a puzzle together...there are lots of options. This will help you connect. If the baby wakes up over and over don't give up. Just make eye contact, put on some music and be together in an intentional way.
Also, after you have children ( I am talking to women here) you might find you don't think you have changed but believe me you have. You might be more anxious then you ever were and thinking about things you never thought you would. You might decide your children are not safe with anyone but you and you put your husband in that category as well. You spout facts to him that to a single not married you would sound crazy about your child that you read somewhere and the person that you were before children is long gone. I am guilty of this for sure. When I think about it from my husband's perspective it must be so hard to live with. I am always exhausted, often not really logical, there is so much sacrifice in being a mother and there is so much sacrifice in being a father. That sacrifice is draining. Grace is the key ~ grace for you, grace for him. Remember you are choosing to love your baby, choose to love your husband too. You loved him first :)
Also when you get married you both are going to change! This is not just from having children. Who you are married to on your first day of marriage, who you started dating, that person is going to disappear and a new hopefully better more mature person is going to appear. It is a process though and sometimes the process gets pretty ugly. It can get really bad if there are not healthy coping skills, healthy conflict tools, healthy self soothing skills, self awareness, truth....all of those good things are essential in your life's tool belt to help you through the challenges.
Let me just bring up counselling here. After my first year of marriage I had some trauma happen in my life. I quickly realized that my marriage was going down hill. I reached out to some people and got some support but when I look back I really needed to start going to counselling. I eventually did go to counselling once my children came along. However things would have gotten better and not been able to get to such dark states if I had been in counselling all along. It takes time to find the right counselor. It is an investment as well financially. However it is one of the best investments you can give your marriage. A good counselor is one that you feel hears what you are saying. They are intuitive, kind, empathetic, and they ask good questions rather then telling you what to do. They help guide you to better decisions, help you gain healing from past pain and trauma, and also help you make better choices and have more self awareness. Counseling has been a life line for me. It can be that for you as well. Marriages are not really meant to be just you and your spouse going through life alone. You need support and voices of truth around you. You also need to LISTEN and HUMBLE yourselves. This will be a sign of maturity to you just an fyi...if you are listening and learning and choosing to get out of negative cycles and go towards light and truth. It is something to really celebrate and applaud. You need an older healthily married couple to talk to and you need to glean from them. You need to be humble and listen to their words (this could be your parents, your pastor, friends, neighbors..but you will need to choose them and ask them). It will make such a difference in your marriage.
Another great tip:
We are often attracted to our opposite. This means after a while of being married....it can take a few years or a few days honestly...we realize that we married someone who, if we are very clean, is very messy. Take my husband and I for example. He walks in the door from work and takes off his shoes. Does he put them in the personal, provided just for him, shoe pan? No he does not. He takes them off just wherever he remembers to take off his shoes. He then walks up the stairs and places his keys in one of many places that he has chosen to place his keys. He does not place them in the strategically placed little key cup I have put out for him. Then his hat and jacket, those end up somewhere on the living room floor, bathroom floor or our bedroom FLOOR...key word being floor. I could go on. He is NEVER purposely doing this. He is just home, not thinking about tiny details and focused on saying hi to the children and having a shower. Now I come in the door. I hang up my coat on one of the many hooks we have for coats, put my shoes in my shoe pan and go up the stairs with my keys in my purse. You get the picture. We are totally opposite.
Since I am the organizer in my home and care that dirty dishes get placed in the dishwasher and then washed etc. I often find myself thinking how much better I am than my husband in that regard. It is easy for this to translate this way of thinking into many parts of life. Am I better because I tend to anally hang up my coat and pick up dirty clothes? Some may argue YES but deep down we all know that no I am not. This is just the personality that I have. It is hard though because these small things build up and can start to drive us mad. We can start to REALLY strongly dislike the person who comes home every day and messes up all the work we have done in the day to organize and clean. It feels dishonoring and it feels like we are not seen or appreciated. There are always good ways around this and often this scenario actually is the guy being the neat and organized and the woman not.
Gleaning from my own life and from observing all my friend's marriages....the best way to deal with the opposite thing is as follows.
First of all don't take it personally. Whatever it is that is happening from your partner being opposite than you I mean. Don't make this all about you because really it isn't... unless it is. If things have progressed to the point where things are being done in nastiness and unkindness...you have regressed or are in a place of a lot of immaturity and you need some help from outside and from professionals. It's just the truth. Who does not want to grow up? A surprising amount of people actually. Take my word for it though, growing up is worth it. It is amazing. It is hard but wonderful as well. Take the time to grow up and to accept your differences. Hammer out what is important to you. Does it REALLY matter that shoes, keys, coat and hat are put away? Then remind them each day and they need to be in a place where they happily do that because they KNOW it matters to you. You then also do the same. If they can't stand that you do something a certain way meet in the middle. It's a beautiful thing meeting in the middle.
This has gotten frightfully long and I need to just post it so....
Always hold this close:
Marriage is supposed to be a life long journey. There will be things that are a struggle and battle now that were not so much before and might not be so much in the future. Why is that? We are always changing and so are situations. Where right now there may be lack of sleep, family drama, little money and lack of support...just knowing the truth in your seasons and figuring out why you are struggling can take you far. If you are stuck in negative cycles find ways out. There are so many great pod casts, books, posts, blogs, you name it, on marriage and how to have a healthy vibrant relationship. Sometimes people thrive off the drama and fighting (so they purposely create it) but just remember it is taking you no where healthy and if you have children you are damaging them and yourself. Ask yourself why you need the adrenaline and why you operate 'best' in that state? There are reasons.
A healthy marriage takes a lot of work and it is a daily commitment and I believe it is worth it. Sometimes there is only one spouse working on issues (the other has not gotten to that place yet) and that can be extra challenging. However not giving up and fighting for your marriage is a very worthy battle to fight.
That is why sixteen years later I am still married to the same guy. It has been challenging but it has been what I have chosen to work on and work through. I struggle with a lot of different issues that my husband puts up with and loves me through every day. We are in this life together.
Amen
I have been thinking about getting married and different things I hear women say to me after some years married when they are tired, disillusioned, feeling unloved and misunderstood and feeling done. You need to know a few things because it might really help further down the road. I will start at the beginning.
First of all ~ the way you feel dating is really wonderful, and often intoxicating. You can't keep your thoughts, your eyes, your hands, off each other. You can talk for hours. You feel SO loved, SO connected, and you feel like you will never ever get mad at this person or feel unloved by them. In the moment it feels really real and it is (in that moment). Here is reality though...as great as these feelings are...they are just that and they will fade to some degree. Then choice kicks in. Your person that you are so into right now is going to let you down, they are going to fail miserably in loving you ~ over and over again, and guess what...you will do the same. This is only reality if you decide to get married and vow to live out your days with them. When this happens (the letting down and the disappointment and disillusion that comes with this) you get to start being mature (or realizing you need to start maturing), growing up, and choosing to look beyond and behind the behavior to the deeper root of what is going on. You get to make the choice to recognize the precious choice of loving someone for who they are and showing them that love the way they feel it best.
Let's give an example here:
When I was dating my husband we kissed for hours, we talked on the phone for hours and I hated being separated from him. Fast forward sixteen years and things are just a tad different. Just a titch you know? Like the last time we talked for hours and it was not about the children was really precious. We have a lot going on. He is talking to his co workers all day and I am talking to children all day. By the time we have a few minutes alone we are burnt out not only from the day but from life. Is this horrible? Sometimes it feels like it. However I know that in reality my husband is giving me what he can. I am doing the same. There are times when we have more to give or we choose to go above and beyond to give even more than we have. Those moments are beautiful and binding. They are the glue that keeps us together. As time goes on and there is less demand in some areas we might be able to give more and that's okay. We are normal. We really are. As women I think we can tend to look back with wistful and sometimes unhappy thoughts to when we were dating. We thought he would always talk with us for hours or whatever it was that made us feel so loved and that helped us feel connected. Why is it so hard to feel connected now? What is the point of all this? Are there ways to combat this and make sure you don't disconnect too much? Well, yes there is!
If you are in a dating relationship now..hold all those date ideas and boundless creativity close. When you are married making 'dating each other' a priority is huge (this really just means connecting meaningfully with each other in a fun light hearted way). This may seem like a no brainer to you now if you are currently dating and dating is what you love. It also may seem impossible to a weary burnt out mom with little children and a husband who is working all the hours he can to make ends meet. When you have children, and no grandparents or trusted babysitter to help you with them, dates can quickly go out the window. However the heartbreaking cycle this creates is worth you putting time and energy into connecting. When your 'love and connection tank' is empty the claws come out and some women's claws are really nasty. A husband does not always have the time and energy to try to figure it all out. Is it hormones? Is it this, that, what is it?! In their confusion and feeling like a failure they are possibly not very kind when the wife is in a place where she needs the most kindness!
If you as the wife take the time to figure out what you need and make it happen this is going to make a lot of things less complicated.
I loved the idea of planning a date for you and a date for him once a month. Do something you love and then something he loves. Also picking some sort of topic that does not include your current whatever it is you always talk about....so children or work or whatever is key. Pick something you both find somewhat interesting and talk about it. If you absolutely can't leave the house plan an in house date. Pick a show you love, buy some delicious snacks and light a candle. You could have a shower together, you could cook together, you could do a crossword puzzle or a puzzle together...there are lots of options. This will help you connect. If the baby wakes up over and over don't give up. Just make eye contact, put on some music and be together in an intentional way.
Also, after you have children ( I am talking to women here) you might find you don't think you have changed but believe me you have. You might be more anxious then you ever were and thinking about things you never thought you would. You might decide your children are not safe with anyone but you and you put your husband in that category as well. You spout facts to him that to a single not married you would sound crazy about your child that you read somewhere and the person that you were before children is long gone. I am guilty of this for sure. When I think about it from my husband's perspective it must be so hard to live with. I am always exhausted, often not really logical, there is so much sacrifice in being a mother and there is so much sacrifice in being a father. That sacrifice is draining. Grace is the key ~ grace for you, grace for him. Remember you are choosing to love your baby, choose to love your husband too. You loved him first :)
Also when you get married you both are going to change! This is not just from having children. Who you are married to on your first day of marriage, who you started dating, that person is going to disappear and a new hopefully better more mature person is going to appear. It is a process though and sometimes the process gets pretty ugly. It can get really bad if there are not healthy coping skills, healthy conflict tools, healthy self soothing skills, self awareness, truth....all of those good things are essential in your life's tool belt to help you through the challenges.
Let me just bring up counselling here. After my first year of marriage I had some trauma happen in my life. I quickly realized that my marriage was going down hill. I reached out to some people and got some support but when I look back I really needed to start going to counselling. I eventually did go to counselling once my children came along. However things would have gotten better and not been able to get to such dark states if I had been in counselling all along. It takes time to find the right counselor. It is an investment as well financially. However it is one of the best investments you can give your marriage. A good counselor is one that you feel hears what you are saying. They are intuitive, kind, empathetic, and they ask good questions rather then telling you what to do. They help guide you to better decisions, help you gain healing from past pain and trauma, and also help you make better choices and have more self awareness. Counseling has been a life line for me. It can be that for you as well. Marriages are not really meant to be just you and your spouse going through life alone. You need support and voices of truth around you. You also need to LISTEN and HUMBLE yourselves. This will be a sign of maturity to you just an fyi...if you are listening and learning and choosing to get out of negative cycles and go towards light and truth. It is something to really celebrate and applaud. You need an older healthily married couple to talk to and you need to glean from them. You need to be humble and listen to their words (this could be your parents, your pastor, friends, neighbors..but you will need to choose them and ask them). It will make such a difference in your marriage.
Another great tip:
We are often attracted to our opposite. This means after a while of being married....it can take a few years or a few days honestly...we realize that we married someone who, if we are very clean, is very messy. Take my husband and I for example. He walks in the door from work and takes off his shoes. Does he put them in the personal, provided just for him, shoe pan? No he does not. He takes them off just wherever he remembers to take off his shoes. He then walks up the stairs and places his keys in one of many places that he has chosen to place his keys. He does not place them in the strategically placed little key cup I have put out for him. Then his hat and jacket, those end up somewhere on the living room floor, bathroom floor or our bedroom FLOOR...key word being floor. I could go on. He is NEVER purposely doing this. He is just home, not thinking about tiny details and focused on saying hi to the children and having a shower. Now I come in the door. I hang up my coat on one of the many hooks we have for coats, put my shoes in my shoe pan and go up the stairs with my keys in my purse. You get the picture. We are totally opposite.
Since I am the organizer in my home and care that dirty dishes get placed in the dishwasher and then washed etc. I often find myself thinking how much better I am than my husband in that regard. It is easy for this to translate this way of thinking into many parts of life. Am I better because I tend to anally hang up my coat and pick up dirty clothes? Some may argue YES but deep down we all know that no I am not. This is just the personality that I have. It is hard though because these small things build up and can start to drive us mad. We can start to REALLY strongly dislike the person who comes home every day and messes up all the work we have done in the day to organize and clean. It feels dishonoring and it feels like we are not seen or appreciated. There are always good ways around this and often this scenario actually is the guy being the neat and organized and the woman not.
Gleaning from my own life and from observing all my friend's marriages....the best way to deal with the opposite thing is as follows.
First of all don't take it personally. Whatever it is that is happening from your partner being opposite than you I mean. Don't make this all about you because really it isn't... unless it is. If things have progressed to the point where things are being done in nastiness and unkindness...you have regressed or are in a place of a lot of immaturity and you need some help from outside and from professionals. It's just the truth. Who does not want to grow up? A surprising amount of people actually. Take my word for it though, growing up is worth it. It is amazing. It is hard but wonderful as well. Take the time to grow up and to accept your differences. Hammer out what is important to you. Does it REALLY matter that shoes, keys, coat and hat are put away? Then remind them each day and they need to be in a place where they happily do that because they KNOW it matters to you. You then also do the same. If they can't stand that you do something a certain way meet in the middle. It's a beautiful thing meeting in the middle.
This has gotten frightfully long and I need to just post it so....
Always hold this close:
Marriage is supposed to be a life long journey. There will be things that are a struggle and battle now that were not so much before and might not be so much in the future. Why is that? We are always changing and so are situations. Where right now there may be lack of sleep, family drama, little money and lack of support...just knowing the truth in your seasons and figuring out why you are struggling can take you far. If you are stuck in negative cycles find ways out. There are so many great pod casts, books, posts, blogs, you name it, on marriage and how to have a healthy vibrant relationship. Sometimes people thrive off the drama and fighting (so they purposely create it) but just remember it is taking you no where healthy and if you have children you are damaging them and yourself. Ask yourself why you need the adrenaline and why you operate 'best' in that state? There are reasons.
A healthy marriage takes a lot of work and it is a daily commitment and I believe it is worth it. Sometimes there is only one spouse working on issues (the other has not gotten to that place yet) and that can be extra challenging. However not giving up and fighting for your marriage is a very worthy battle to fight.
That is why sixteen years later I am still married to the same guy. It has been challenging but it has been what I have chosen to work on and work through. I struggle with a lot of different issues that my husband puts up with and loves me through every day. We are in this life together.
Amen
Monday, 7 October 2019
Dedication
Something I have done with each of my children is have them symbolically dedicated to God. It was what I grew up observing practiced in my church and I loved it. Our oldest child was dedicated on her first birthday. The kicker is, she was not ours at the time! However we attended the dedication, I video taped it and took pictures because that is just who I am, not knowing that that child would actually become my own child!
A couple weeks ago our two youngest children were dedicated. I wish for my children to grow up feeling loved and a sense of safety in their hearts they can cling to no matter what happens around them. This is what my sense of God has been for me. Each time my heart has been hurt and I have felt vulnerable and not sure where to turn I have been able to draw strength from God. I hope my children see this in my life and that they can find that same hope and comfort.
Here they are all ready to go to church. These six souls I have dedicated my entire life to. They are gifts I am grateful for.
After the dedication we went home and had friends and family for lunch. I am so thankful for my family and friends who came and who are our lives. Their presence and love they extend bring us life and help us along our journey. They are so important to us.
A couple weeks ago our two youngest children were dedicated. I wish for my children to grow up feeling loved and a sense of safety in their hearts they can cling to no matter what happens around them. This is what my sense of God has been for me. Each time my heart has been hurt and I have felt vulnerable and not sure where to turn I have been able to draw strength from God. I hope my children see this in my life and that they can find that same hope and comfort.
Here they are all ready to go to church. These six souls I have dedicated my entire life to. They are gifts I am grateful for.
After the dedication we went home and had friends and family for lunch. I am so thankful for my family and friends who came and who are our lives. Their presence and love they extend bring us life and help us along our journey. They are so important to us.
Sweetness
I spent a few precious years living on a farm on an island. During that time I was able to be surrounded by animals ~ pets that I loved. It shaped me and grew my heart and I have never forgotten how much my animals brought me joy and comfort. I have so wished this for my children but so far I have not managed to give them this gift to the extent I would like to. However last month our cat had kittens and it has been the sweetest experience so far. Kittens are born blind and squeaky. They snuggle and nurse and after a week or so their eyes open. Them learning to walk is so adorable. They stagger on shakey legs. Watching our cat become a mother has also been really special. She has been so precious to watch. Babies are blessings.
Here is mama and her freshly born babies taking a well deserved rest.
This is little Willow
This is Wolverine
This is Snowball
This is Juniper
This is Fern
We have had lots of friends come and visit them.
Here is mama and her freshly born babies taking a well deserved rest.
This is little Willow
This is Wolverine
This is Snowball
This is Juniper
This is Fern
We have had lots of friends come and visit them.
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