I have had this in my mind for a while and I want to write it out. I am not sure exactly how it will come out of me but lets hope it make sense. I have children talking to me as I write. They seem to think I can do multiple things at once...which I can actually...but it doesn't mean I want to.
I have been thinking about getting married and different things I hear women say to me after some years married when they are tired, disillusioned, feeling unloved and misunderstood and feeling done. You need to know a few things because it might really help further down the road. I will start at the beginning.
First of all ~ the way you feel dating is really wonderful, and often intoxicating. You can't keep your thoughts, your eyes, your hands, off each other. You can talk for hours. You feel SO loved, SO connected, and you feel like you will never ever get mad at this person or feel unloved by them. In the moment it feels really real and it is (in that moment). Here is reality though...as great as these feelings are...they are just that and they will fade to some degree. Then choice kicks in. Your person that you are so into right now is going to let you down, they are going to fail miserably in loving you ~ over and over again, and guess what...you will do the same. This is only reality if you decide to get married and vow to live out your days with them. When this happens (the letting down and the disappointment and disillusion that comes with this) you get to start being mature (or realizing you need to start maturing), growing up, and choosing to look beyond and behind the behavior to the deeper root of what is going on. You get to make the choice to recognize the precious choice of loving someone for who they are and showing them that love the way they feel it best.
Let's give an example here:
When I was dating my husband we kissed for hours, we talked on the phone for hours and I hated being separated from him. Fast forward sixteen years and things are just a tad different. Just a titch you know? Like the last time we talked for hours and it was not about the children was really precious. We have a lot going on. He is talking to his co workers all day and I am talking to children all day. By the time we have a few minutes alone we are burnt out not only from the day but from life. Is this horrible? Sometimes it feels like it. However I know that in reality my husband is giving me what he can. I am doing the same. There are times when we have more to give or we choose to go above and beyond to give even more than we have. Those moments are beautiful and binding. They are the glue that keeps us together. As time goes on and there is less demand in some areas we might be able to give more and that's okay. We are normal. We really are. As women I think we can tend to look back with wistful and sometimes unhappy thoughts to when we were dating. We thought he would always talk with us for hours or whatever it was that made us feel so loved and that helped us feel connected. Why is it so hard to feel connected now? What is the point of all this? Are there ways to combat this and make sure you don't disconnect too much? Well, yes there is!
If you are in a dating relationship now..hold all those date ideas and boundless creativity close. When you are married making 'dating each other' a priority is huge (this really just means connecting meaningfully with each other in a fun light hearted way). This may seem like a no brainer to you now if you are currently dating and dating is what you love. It also may seem impossible to a weary burnt out mom with little children and a husband who is working all the hours he can to make ends meet. When you have children, and no grandparents or trusted babysitter to help you with them, dates can quickly go out the window. However the heartbreaking cycle this creates is worth you putting time and energy into connecting. When your 'love and connection tank' is empty the claws come out and some women's claws are really nasty. A husband does not always have the time and energy to try to figure it all out. Is it hormones? Is it this, that, what is it?! In their confusion and feeling like a failure they are possibly not very kind when the wife is in a place where she needs the most kindness!
If you as the wife take the time to figure out what you need and make it happen this is going to make a lot of things less complicated.
I loved the idea of planning a date for you and a date for him once a month. Do something you love and then something he loves. Also picking some sort of topic that does not include your current whatever it is you always talk about....so children or work or whatever is key. Pick something you both find somewhat interesting and talk about it. If you absolutely can't leave the house plan an in house date. Pick a show you love, buy some delicious snacks and light a candle. You could have a shower together, you could cook together, you could do a crossword puzzle or a puzzle together...there are lots of options. This will help you connect. If the baby wakes up over and over don't give up. Just make eye contact, put on some music and be together in an intentional way.
Also, after you have children ( I am talking to women here) you might find you don't think you have changed but believe me you have. You might be more anxious then you ever were and thinking about things you never thought you would. You might decide your children are not safe with anyone but you and you put your husband in that category as well. You spout facts to him that to a single not married you would sound crazy about your child that you read somewhere and the person that you were before children is long gone. I am guilty of this for sure. When I think about it from my husband's perspective it must be so hard to live with. I am always exhausted, often not really logical, there is so much sacrifice in being a mother and there is so much sacrifice in being a father. That sacrifice is draining. Grace is the key ~ grace for you, grace for him. Remember you are choosing to love your baby, choose to love your husband too. You loved him first :)
Also when you get married you both are going to change! This is not just from having children. Who you are married to on your first day of marriage, who you started dating, that person is going to disappear and a new hopefully better more mature person is going to appear. It is a process though and sometimes the process gets pretty ugly. It can get really bad if there are not healthy coping skills, healthy conflict tools, healthy self soothing skills, self awareness, truth....all of those good things are essential in your life's tool belt to help you through the challenges.
Let me just bring up counselling here. After my first year of marriage I had some trauma happen in my life. I quickly realized that my marriage was going down hill. I reached out to some people and got some support but when I look back I really needed to start going to counselling. I eventually did go to counselling once my children came along. However things would have gotten better and not been able to get to such dark states if I had been in counselling all along. It takes time to find the right counselor. It is an investment as well financially. However it is one of the best investments you can give your marriage. A good counselor is one that you feel hears what you are saying. They are intuitive, kind, empathetic, and they ask good questions rather then telling you what to do. They help guide you to better decisions, help you gain healing from past pain and trauma, and also help you make better choices and have more self awareness. Counseling has been a life line for me. It can be that for you as well. Marriages are not really meant to be just you and your spouse going through life alone. You need support and voices of truth around you. You also need to LISTEN and HUMBLE yourselves. This will be a sign of maturity to you just an fyi...if you are listening and learning and choosing to get out of negative cycles and go towards light and truth. It is something to really celebrate and applaud. You need an older healthily married couple to talk to and you need to glean from them. You need to be humble and listen to their words (this could be your parents, your pastor, friends, neighbors..but you will need to choose them and ask them). It will make such a difference in your marriage.
Another great tip:
We are often attracted to our opposite. This means after a while of being married....it can take a few years or a few days honestly...we realize that we married someone who, if we are very clean, is very messy. Take my husband and I for example. He walks in the door from work and takes off his shoes. Does he put them in the personal, provided just for him, shoe pan? No he does not. He takes them off just wherever he remembers to take off his shoes. He then walks up the stairs and places his keys in one of many places that he has chosen to place his keys. He does not place them in the strategically placed little key cup I have put out for him. Then his hat and jacket, those end up somewhere on the living room floor, bathroom floor or our bedroom FLOOR...key word being floor. I could go on. He is NEVER purposely doing this. He is just home, not thinking about tiny details and focused on saying hi to the children and having a shower. Now I come in the door. I hang up my coat on one of the many hooks we have for coats, put my shoes in my shoe pan and go up the stairs with my keys in my purse. You get the picture. We are totally opposite.
Since I am the organizer in my home and care that dirty dishes get placed in the dishwasher and then washed etc. I often find myself thinking how much better I am than my husband in that regard. It is easy for this to translate this way of thinking into many parts of life. Am I better because I tend to anally hang up my coat and pick up dirty clothes? Some may argue YES but deep down we all know that no I am not. This is just the personality that I have. It is hard though because these small things build up and can start to drive us mad. We can start to REALLY strongly dislike the person who comes home every day and messes up all the work we have done in the day to organize and clean. It feels dishonoring and it feels like we are not seen or appreciated. There are always good ways around this and often this scenario actually is the guy being the neat and organized and the woman not.
Gleaning from my own life and from observing all my friend's marriages....the best way to deal with the opposite thing is as follows.
First of all don't take it personally. Whatever it is that is happening from your partner being opposite than you I mean. Don't make this all about you because really it isn't... unless it is. If things have progressed to the point where things are being done in nastiness and unkindness...you have regressed or are in a place of a lot of immaturity and you need some help from outside and from professionals. It's just the truth. Who does not want to grow up? A surprising amount of people actually. Take my word for it though, growing up is worth it. It is amazing. It is hard but wonderful as well. Take the time to grow up and to accept your differences. Hammer out what is important to you. Does it REALLY matter that shoes, keys, coat and hat are put away? Then remind them each day and they need to be in a place where they happily do that because they KNOW it matters to you. You then also do the same. If they can't stand that you do something a certain way meet in the middle. It's a beautiful thing meeting in the middle.
This has gotten frightfully long and I need to just post it so....
Always hold this close:
Marriage is supposed to be a life long journey. There will be things that are a struggle and battle now that were not so much before and might not be so much in the future. Why is that? We are always changing and so are situations. Where right now there may be lack of sleep, family drama, little money and lack of support...just knowing the truth in your seasons and figuring out why you are struggling can take you far. If you are stuck in negative cycles find ways out. There are so many great pod casts, books, posts, blogs, you name it, on marriage and how to have a healthy vibrant relationship. Sometimes people thrive off the drama and fighting (so they purposely create it) but just remember it is taking you no where healthy and if you have children you are damaging them and yourself. Ask yourself why you need the adrenaline and why you operate 'best' in that state? There are reasons.
A healthy marriage takes a lot of work and it is a daily commitment and I believe it is worth it. Sometimes there is only one spouse working on issues (the other has not gotten to that place yet) and that can be extra challenging. However not giving up and fighting for your marriage is a very worthy battle to fight.
That is why sixteen years later I am still married to the same guy. It has been challenging but it has been what I have chosen to work on and work through. I struggle with a lot of different issues that my husband puts up with and loves me through every day. We are in this life together.
Amen
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