Grandma

Dear Grandma,

 First of all I miss you and all that in my mind made you special to me. I miss coming to your house and ringing the doorbell and then waiting. We would hear you coming to the door with grandpa. You usually both answered the door together. You had such a small front entry area and so we would all crowd in and somehow get our coats hung up on the banister and then spill up the three stairs. Your house was warm and cozy with the wood stove. Your TV was gigantic, but not always on, and the familiar tap tap of the type writer was a comforting back ground noise. Everyone loved the Coo Coo clock and the spinning chair and some of us loved the board games more than others, but I think we all loved the record player and the music equally. There were so many things we just knew we could do that we could count on. We could have scones and cookies out of the tin, a drink of juice, we could roll down the hill, scuff through the leaves, and walk around the lake. We could count on a home cooked meal for dinner and delicious lunches on our hikes. We could count on grandpa being on the phone and you gardening. We could try on your lipstick which was I think the only makeup you ever wore. You had beautiful colorful clothes and wore neck scarves so tastefully. You were tall and beautiful to me. You took me to art galleries and live music and you sewed with me and did many crafts. I just miss the fact that you wanted me around. I miss that you thought I was precious and you cared about who I was and what I was doing with my life. I miss that I felt at home there. I miss that since you've been gone I have never felt that again.

  Life has been pretty hard without you. I have been so tired a lot of the time and I wish I could come to your house and lay my head down and feel the safety I felt when I was there. You and grandpa would just sit and watch TV and I would lay on the couch and there was something so simple and special about that. I want to feel that again and I just can't re create it. I feel like I am failing because I can't. My house is filled with parts of you. I have quilts you made and dresses you made. I have some of your furniture and dishes, your lamp and mixing bowls. I still only use your electric mixer. It has hung on. I have all this, and treasure it, because it reminds me of all you were, of the life you lived, of the eras you came through and the life you created. I know you went through a lot of trauma and a lot of hard ships. I know you were who you were because you needed to survive. I imagine there were many years where you felt like I feel now and you were far away from your family. You had five children and worked hard outside of the home. You must have felt like you were letting everyone down many times. I just hope I can weather all this and somehow come through and still write a book of poetry, still play piano, take my grandchildren to live music and show them Annie Get Your Gun and Puff The Magic Dragon and take them hiking like you did for us. I hope I can provide a house my children can always come to and where there will be frozen yogurt and bananas and freshly baked cookies and a big table everyone can fit around. At some point I think a Coo Coo clock would be a wise investment.

  I wanted to write to you today, on here, because I have felt tears just under the surface for days and sometimes writing things out helps me. I am just so tired. Rose is getting her teeth and she is having a hard time sleeping. She is rolling everywhere really quickly and sticking everything in her mouth and choking all the time. You didn't have to contend with your children wanting cell phones and the social media addiction but you went through the World Wars and the Great Depression etc so I think you have me beat on every level. I just wish I could sit by you again and rest. I wish I could feel okay again for a little while.

 Thanks so much for giving me that, I needed to know I was precious to someone. I hope that I can be that kind of grandma one day ~


 I miss you so much