October

  Today the rain poured down, it flooded our road a ways down, forcing cars to navigate a bit more carefully than usual. I could hear it pounding on the roof and a lake slowly formed in the field across the road. Inside my house we were cozy and warm. Today this blessed me so deeply. Right now our house has a lot of mold in it. We have had unknown mold growing for years, leaks in windows inside walls that we did not know about, and the house has felt like a bit of an enemy to me. My husband is tearing most of our basement down to its bare bones. We need to seal all the pavement down there and hope we can get every trace of mold out. We need to make sure every window is sealed. It is a massive undertaking that we don't have time or energy for, but we must find it and we must do this. 

However, today our roof is not leaking (and it has in the past), and we had a day where we played stories on CD about history, and we filled books with photos, and the children played happily with all sorts of things and the house was a disaster and for once, for once, I was not overcome with anxiety. 

Anxiety is such a friend of mine. It is constantly trying to rescue me, to speak to me, to tell me that I need more than what I have. I hear it, I understand, I try to show it I am an adult and I will be okay. So often though my anxiety reverts back to a small girl who never knew if things were okay. It is so hard to be in my skin. The days when I just can be in my skin and I can smile and I can cope are such victory filled days. I still had anxiety but it did not take over. The rain poured down and I nursed the baby and I put away groceries and I processed laundry and I vacuumed and did all the mundane every day things I do day in and day out and it was okay. 

I am grateful for all the gifts of this day. We are never promised the next.

xo

Tansy