Musings in June

 Summer is just around the corner and the corn field across the road has graduated from tiny little green curled up shoots to lush quickly growing baby plants. I have planted a vegetable garden quite unexpectedly; it was planted quite late, but it is growing!

   I am so thankful for a yard that has the space for a garden. My yard has always been very unattended since I became the caretaker of it. I have had very few seasons of giving it the attention and time that it needs. The people that lived here before us, and were the only other owners, never had children and spent much of their time creating Eden out of this lot. I have ended up pulling out so much of their beautiful creations and it has been so hard to do. However the massive eight foot high grass that grew along the fence line each year was so intense to try to cut down in preparation for the winter. The rock hill with the huge trees ended up needing to be taken out for the 2020 Victory vegetable garden. The side garden where all the Spring blossoms grew ended up being pulled out by my husband for unknown purposes. I have had to say goodbye to Poppies, Lilies, Lavender, and it just goes on and on, but the yard was a beautiful walk way with gardens and flowers everywhere and for the children' sake they needed space to run and have a trampoline and swing set. The Walnut tree ended up going because a part of it was rotting and my anxiety was so high during the wind storms we get in the Autumn. Slowly but surely my garden of Eden yard is looking more patchy grass and holes dug for no reason and it is what it is. There are still lush green ferns and yellow Poppies, Grape Hyacinth, some red Tulips that miraculously survived the caul of the walnut tree, there are Roses and treasures tucked away that spring up out of nowhere like the Foxgloves this year. 

  I adore flowers and flower gardens. I also am not someone who prioritizes time or money for myself to have these. When I moved to this house I can't describe the joy and how miraculous it felt to have all these flowers and this beauty already here. I am surprised by new arrivals each year that somehow just arrive. It is the best gift. Sometimes that is how life goes when you are not looking for it but hoping. I wished for beauty and whimsy and a garden and this kind German plumber who owned the house before me planted it all through the years and it has blessed me more than he could ever know. 

 Every day the Pink Rose bush that looks through my window reminds me of my grandmother and the purple Lilacs that grow beside the driveway remind me of the Lilac bush that bloomed at the corner of the heritage house I grew up in, the Fox gloves remind me of my grandmother as well and the Clematis reminds me of the house I lived in across from the train tracks. The Snow drops remind me of my mother and her love for Spring. This yard has every flower I ever wished to have in a yard. Miracles happen all around and what we care about does matter. My yard teaches me that every day.

xo Tansy

A Bridge to Heaven

  Anne sat in a pain that was almost intolerable. She could not tell comforting falsehoods and all that Ruby said was so horribly true. She WAS leaving everything she cared for. She had laid up her treasures on earth only; she had lived solely for the little things of life ~ the things that pass ~ forgetting the great things that go onward into eternity, bridging the golf between the two lives and making of death a mere passing from one dwelling to the other ~ from twilight to unclouded day. God would take care of her there ~ Anne believed ~ she would learn ~ but now it was no wonder her soul clung, in blind helplessness, to the only things she knew and loved........

 Anne walked home very slowly in the moonlight. The evening had changed something for her. Life held a different meaning, a deeper purpose. On the surface it would go on just the same, but the depths had been stirred. It must not be with her as with poor Ruby. When she came to the end of one life it must not be to face the next with the shrinking terror of something wholly different ~ something for which accustomed thought and ideal and aspiration has unfitted her. The little things in life, sweet and excellent in their place, must not be the things lived for; the highest must be sought and followed, the life of heaven must begin here on earth.

Excerpts from Anne of the Island by L.M. Montgomery

I am reading the Anne of Green Gables series and this passage felt important to me. 

'The life of heaven must begin here on earth.'

It's good to hold this in our minds and hearts and to examine what that might mean to each of us.

Love Tansy

When Kindness Changes You

  A few days ago my two sisters and I were at a function together. It was a memorial for someone that we had known our whole lives. We sat together and during this function someone that had hurt us when we were younger was also in attendants and sat right by us. We all felt a deep reaction to this person. It was someone we had never been protected from even though the signs that they had hurt us were evident. All our lives our parents had never protected us and even at this function there was zero awareness about the fact that we might not want to interact with this person. 

I wanted to share something that happened that was deeply impacting to me during this function.

  After the memorial was over my sisters and I were standing together chatting to a dear lady who had been our neighbour when we were children. As she was chatting with us the person came over behind her and beckoned me to come and talk to them. I didn't want to go and my sister explained to this lady what was going on. She immediately without hesitation bristled and asked if she needed to hurt someone for us. Never had anyone reacted with the slightest protection or care (in our memories) about this person the way that she immediately did. We are adult woman and could protect ourselves. She asked no questions, didn't hesitate, or accuse us of being ridiculous. She just was ready to fight for us. 

I want to cry writing this.

It was so impacting! If only this had been our experience as babies or young children or teenagers or even adults. If only...and how might our lives been different!

But it was so impacting in that moment even though we are now middle aged women.

I wanted to remind you about the impact you have with your facial expressions, with your words, with your kindness. You never know the ripple effect of what one sentence could cause for healing or hurt.

Bless our childhood neighbour and bless us and bless the person who hurt us who must have been very hurt themselves growing up. We don't know their story but we can guess it was full of trauma.

Trauma that then causes rippled effects always.

Trauma

Something that does not just go away, that does not just ease out of the body ~ something that stays and hurts until it is processed and released.

I think a bit of trauma was released in that moment because of our former neighbour and her mother's heart and I am so thankful.

xo

Lonely

   Today I feel lonely. I think because I had a hard night and when that happens I feel vulnerable and extra tired and I want someone to be alongside me in the day. I had two children last night with very high fevers and a baby who must be fighting a sickness because she was up over and over. I was trying to get fevers down for a long time and nursing the baby over and over. 

  Thankfully today is not as warm as it has been this week and last weekend because my children are still sick and our house has been so hot. Anyway, I was just on instagram and started to tear up seeing all these people living their lives and I immediately got off it and was like, 'what is going on for you here!' and ya, its loneliness. I don't have anyone I could call to chat to because people don't answer the phone much anymore, and people are in different chapters of life and so busy. I don't have anyone I could stop by at their house for a quick visit in my town. My life wasn't always like this and somedays there is a weight in that. I loved loved LOVED having friends. Relationships always have their challenges but the times when I had a friend close by that was in the same season as me, and was home and had time for relationship....what jewel years those were. I am so thankful I got to experience that. 

  I hope that you are not in my boat and have lots of close by friends that love you and want to spend time with you. I hope you have someone you could call right now if you wanted to. I do have friends I could call on the phone if I scheduled it and I could voice message people ~ but it's not quite the same. Today I wish I could ask someone to come over and just cook with me and chat with me and help me be me you know?

It is such a gift and so life giving to have friends. I am so thankful for my friends and I understand the reality of life today and often I do have friends I could call. I am just expressing how I feel in this moment and the reality of my day today. 

Have a wonderful day

Tansy

Emotional Support Boxes

   I am getting ready to host a little gathering at my home for ages six to fourteen and I wanted to write about it. It will include my children and a few others and we are going to make emotional support boxes for their bedrooms. I am going to chat about our bodies and how as babies we start out with not much we can do to communicate but cry and laugh, but as the years go on we attain more capabilities. I will talk about how we all respond with fight, flight, flee or fawn when we are overwhelmed with big emotions. Those emotions are to protect us and are not negative but they can hurt us if we operate in that a lot. I will use animal examples and the children can think about themselves as a turtle or a lion or whatever it is that they turn into when they are angry or scared or overwhelmed. I will talk about our vagus nerve and how we want to activate that through our breaths and humming and how we can hug ourselves and pat our upper arms at the same time, how we can journal or speak our gratitude and how we need to always be gathering tools in our life's tool box to help ourself have awareness and emotional regulation. In the tool boxes (the emotional support boxes) they can choose to put whatever they want to inside. These will be for the purpose of soothing or distracting their senses and helping them refocus. 

Playdough

Bubbles they can blow

Juice boxes

Dye free lollypops

Essential oil roller (for some that are old enough)

Moisturizer (for those that are old enough)

Journal

Stress ball

A cue card booklet they make themselves with an idea to soothe on each page for example a hug from mom, a bath, a snack, time outside, exercise etc

A bag of epsom salts

A small stuffed animal

A baby picture of themselves

They will also have a mood thermometer page to see and gauge where they are at.

  Once, years ago, a lady did this with my three oldest children and it was such a blessing to them and so I wanted to facilitate this for my younger children. I hope it will empower them and also help them understand what is happening in their bodies when they rage or scream or run or whatever they do when they feel completely undone. Knowledge can bring such healing to someone who has maybe always thought they were 'bad' for losing control, or understanding to someone who has never understood why they could not engage in arguments etc. We shall see how it all goes but I have high hopes :)

Have a lovely rest of your week

Tansy

Chatting

   It is early in the morning and not a time I usually rise. However at this stage of life (and really it's been like this for a good amount of years now) it is the only quiet time in this busy house. I appreciate the business knowing that a day may come when it is too quiet and I will miss people wanting to chat with me and bake cupcakes till very late at night. The sun has come over the mountain and illuminated the corn field and the pink Roses are blooming right outside my window. The birds are ever happy and so faithful to their singing. My quiet did not last long as my husband got up. He can't manage staying in bed and has now gone back to sleep on the couch which makes no sense at all to me but he rarely does. I love to stay in bed and feel cozy and just rest but he must not miss a moment of a day (in the morning). He was raised a dairy farmer and was up to milk cows so early many of his formative years.

   Early mornings are powerful things you know? There is so much happening in the world and getting up early makes for such a productive day if you so choose. I could be doing so much housework right now unhindered by my one year old who busily undoes much of my work as I go about it. I catch myself saying and calling her busy but really I love this stage and am so grateful to be getting to go through it this last time. She is such a sweet baby and so funny and fun. 

  The heat of Summer has come and it is only June. The pool was set up two days ago and already my children are sun browned and happy. What a gift this sun is. I have always greeted heat with a bit of a drooping spirit but last Summer I was in a heat wave for over a month straight with no cool days because I left one in one country and headed to another one in another country and then went back to a new heat wave in the original country. I realized I could just get used to it and manage quite well really. It is not the funnest weather to nurse a baby in I must say but what does that matter? So I am thankful for this sunshine. 

  I ended up planting a rather large garden this year. My daughter decided she was planting a garden and so out went the troops to prepare the soil. In the end she planted one row of corn and some flowers and abandoned ship. Somehow I have now planted beans, peas, carrots, onions, tomatoes, zucchini, cucumber, squash, kale, lettuce and probably more. I have no clue what will come up but all the children helped plant and we actually planted twice because the first time not all the seeds came up as they were old seeds. So yesterday I was out weeding and hoping that I can keep up with it all summer as it could be a little red hen situation if I am not careful. 

  Yesterday I went to another funeral and it was for my mom's very best friend. This is the third funeral I have attended lately and I was filled with gratitude for the amazing woman that have graced my life. This woman brought much joy to my mom and dad's lives and her enthusiasm, joy and gratitude were such a gift to our family. We had many laughs with her and I was thankful for to remember that but also to once again be surrounded by so many people from my childhood. It brought back memories and happenings both good and not so much. 

  And so, life goes on. My oldest daughter was up late into the night baking for her husband's grandparents wedding anniversary and my son wanted to start chatting at 11:30 at night. On early mornings like this when all is quiet and I can feel like I have had time to just be ~ I am filled so full with thankfulness for it all. As soon as someone wakes up and starts needing all the things I will deflate a bit and start feeling flooded with overwhelm but for now it's all good. All good is amazing, the best, so so lovely.

May your day hold many 'all good' moments no matter what happened yesterday or through all the years.

Love Tansy

A Glance

 A few months ago I attended a funeral and at that funeral I saw some people I had once loved very very much. I had not seen them in years however but at this funeral they were all there. In going to the funeral I felt trepidation as to how the experience may be. Would I feel a connection still? Would there be hurt or anger there? I feel like I walked in with an open heart. With in a minutes of going in I heard my name called in such a familiar voice and looked up to see a dear face that as I said I once loved so dearly (this was not a romantic love but a sisterly love). I looked into such familiar eyes and recognized the facial expression instantly. I said only a few words and we didn't really talk again. However there was so much said in that one glance. There was so much I knew!

It reminded me of how the eyes are the window to the soul and how connection with people is so powerful and how to those who are extra sensitive and perceptive to other people in many respects always carry that connection in them. It takes so much work to let the connection go and try to move on. I have often felt so odd inside of my skin because I care so deeply for people. I get to know not just them but their families. When they move on from me (because it often is them moving on not me) I go through deep grief and it can take years to let the connection go! It can be so deeply painful. 

This glance from this one soul that I had loved many years ago reminded me of so much. I wished to gather them in my arms but it was not the time or place and that relationship had passed on. 

God bless them, 

God bless me

And God bless you

xo

Breastfeeding Tips

  Before I had my first baby eighteen years ago I innocently thought that breastfeeding was a natural easy way to feed your new baby. When I went to a prenatal parenting class I was shocked to realize that there was a lot of technique to it and I realized that it might not be as easy as I thought it might be.

  When I gave birth to my first baby it involved trauma and damage to my body. I was exhausted and weak. I remember trying to latch my baby for the first time and asking my mom what to do and she would not offer any guidance. Breastfeeding the first time around was a really awful experience. I was so tense and there was so much discomfort for both my baby and myself. I had no idea that there were such things as strong let downs or lip and tongue ties or allergies and more.

  My oldest daughter has had a baby and now her friends are having them as well and I thought I would compile a list of things that may go wrong when you are nursing your baby and ways you can look into helping both yourself and your baby through it. Nursing is very commonly challenging for the first four months or so. As the baby gets bigger and more capable things can get easier and nursing can become a very precious and bonding time for both momma and baby. Don't give up to quickly!

  Sometimes if you expect things to be a challenge you are more mentally set up for the journey. 

  It is cute to imagine motherhood as this ethereal journey of snuggles, attachment and love. For some women this IS the case and what a gift. For many woman, like myself, motherhood is a bewildering journey full of feelings of failure and trying to figure out the next best steps to survive with lots of snuggles and love and goodness sprinkled throughout! You feel like a shadow of your former self and the nights are long and dark and you are a stinking mess.

  You have to be tough to be a mom. You have to be a warrior. You have to be willing to persevere through a lot you could never have expected. It is not for the faint of heart. 

  Latch ~ after your baby is born the first time you nurse your baby you need to get a good latch. If the latch is not good you are going to feel pain and a lot of it. You can't just rip your baby off your breast you have to carefully unlatch with your finger by putting your finger in the corner of their mouth and breaking their latch. They suck very hard. There are ways to get a good latch and it takes practice and patience. You have to hold the babies head a certain way and your breast another way. There are many good videos on YouTube that will help you. You can also ask a friend or get a lactation consultant if you need help with this. However a good latch every time is key. It is worth taking the baby off and getting the nipple in deep enough and the latch comfortable. Take your time and be patient. Be aware too that if you have had a C section or a traumatic birth or if you do not get a lot of bonding time right after birth this can start breast feeding off on a more challenging foot. Don't despair just be aware.

  Some things that can make a good latch complicated especially in the beginning are the size and shape of your nipples, the size of your breasts compared to the babies mouth and head size and more. You may have a baby with a weak tongue or weak suck. 

 Your baby may have a lip or tongue or cheek ties. This can be assessed by a dentist that specializes in this and I would recommend that if you have any issues with breastfeeding. I would not trust a doctor or midwife unless they are specially trained. It is worth knowing if this is an issue and getting it dealt with. If I had known about this during my first breastfeeding experience everything would have been different but it was never mentioned and every single breastfeed was quite torturous. This ended up traumatizing my baby and myself (I want to add that I did breastfeed still for almost two years despite that challenges but it was not what it could have been)

 When your milk comes in you may be engorged and need to pump to soften your breasts so it is easier to latch the baby. Having rock hard breasts makes it impossible for the baby to latch. Pump enough so that you are not in any pain and so that your breast is soft enough. Keep the milk and freeze it if you can. 

  If you have a really strong let down you may need to let out some of the initial milk first before starting nursing the baby so the baby does not choke or gulp air. You could use a haka to catch the milk and once again freeze it.

  If you can wait a few days before introducing a soother or a bottle that is great but try not to stress about this. Do what needs to be done to get nutrients into your baby. Getting that first colostrum is a gift from you to your baby so do what you can to make sure baby gets that. Even if you are going to formula feed if you can take that time to pump your colostrum and give the baby this by bottle this is such a nourishing gift to your child! The reasons that people give to wait to introduce bottle or soothers vary but use your gut and wisdom to make that call for yourself. Babies need to suck to soothe and feel safe. 

  Prepare yourself mentally to be sucked on a lot. This takes many women by surprise. If you can plan to have your baby held almost constantly for the first week of their life and then often afterwards it can really help to have a calmer more secure baby. I have planned this for my last two babies and it has made such a world of difference. Before this I felt like I was always desperate to put the baby down and have a body break and this mindset really hindered a lot of things. Check in with your thoughts and your mindset and make the changes needed to accommodate for your new born babies needs. They were IN you they don't know themselves as separate from you for quite a few months. They need YOU and a lot of you. It can be so overwhelming at times.

  For the first while when you nurse if you can do this skin to skin it can be very helpful to help the baby stay awake and to help with attachment and to help with your let down and milk supply and the list goes on. 

  Every single time you nurse put a nipple balm on your nipples when you are done as they can get quite raw and chafed for the first while. You should also have some sort of breast pads to keep your nipples dry between nursing sessions as you will leak milk. You can get silverettes as well that help with healing during the first chapter of nursing. Each time you nurse drink something hydrating. This is going to be so helpful. When you are in your first chapter of nursing you are ravenously hungry and thirsty all the time. It is quite the experience. 

  If your baby is struggling with latching due to nipple issues or the babies size you can try nipple shields that may help your baby be able to latch better. Nurses or midwives may encourage you to wait to try nipple shields but if you have flat or inverted nipples, or whatever the issue may be, babies can be weaned off nipple shields when they are a bit older so don't worry for a second about it. Do what you need to do to get them latched and you comfortable. 

  If you need to pump and your pump seems to not be working you may need a different flange size or to try a different pump. You also need to be relaxed enough to have a let down. You may need to put warm cloths on your breasts before pumping or have a show on you can watch so that your body can relax enough. Sometimes a hand pump is the most effective. Go somewhere where you can feel as relaxed as possible. Pumping can be quite challenging but so is recovering from labor, and taking care of a brand new baby, and all of it! All of it is quite challenging and you can do this! 

  Not all bottles are the same either. There are some that mimic the breast a lot more than others do. Take time to research and figure out what is best in that department and also the best position to give the baby the bottle in.

  There are many different positions to nurse a baby in. When they are a new born is it worth finding a position that they can latch the best in. Also pillows can really help prop you and the baby into more relaxed position or sometimes they just get in the way. You have to figure out how to get comfortable and sometimes that takes multiple trials and errors.

  A new baby may need to go to a chiropractor that specializes in new babies. They often have little bones out in their body from being squeezed through the birth canal. They may have pain while nursing because of things in their body that are out and so getting them adjusted can really help with nursing successfully. You may find a baby only really can latch on one side or something like this and this is a sign to find a good chiropractor and get them some relief. 

  Some soothers will help your baby gain tongue strength and some soothers will hinder it so keep that in mind. Not all soothers are created equal. 

  It is normal for breastfeeding to not be easy. It is normal to have some discomfort as you begin but after you latch and baby is sucking there should not be pain or clicking or cheeks sucking in. Your baby needs a deep latch and should be sucking and swallowing smoothly. 

  If your baby struggles with gas or 'colic' you may need to cut out dairy or other allergens. Your baby may have reflux and need to sleep propped up and take some homeopathic drops for this. Make sure to burp your baby after every feed. This is important. It may help to take some digestive enzymes before you eat and to take probiotics and give your baby probiotics as well. This has helped some of my babies quite a bit. 

  If you struggle with milk supply there are natural supplements you can take and lactations bars or cookies you can make that can up your supply. If you feel like your baby is not getting enough at the breast borrow or buy a scale and weight them before and after their feed. You can also pump and see how much milk you are producing and then give them a bottle of that milk to see how much they are getting. Babies who are not getting enough want to nurse constantly, are fussy, and don't gain weight. 

  If you struggle with getting mastitis you may need to prioritize rest and hydration a lot more than you are and do what it takes to get that. If you do get mastitis nurse a lot and put the baby in different latching positions to drain different parts of the breast, apply a heating pad to the area, sleep as much as you can, hydrate like crazy, and take epsom salts baths. Your body is telling you it is struggling. There are also supplements you can take that help prevent this like sunflower lecithin. There have been some seasons of my breastfeeding journey where I faithfully would start to get mastitis every Friday. I would be forced to rest on Saturday with heat on my chest and then Sunday I would start to recover. It was not an easy season but my body was faithful in telling me that it was desperate for rest!

  All my babies have had a very hard time nursing during the first few months for various reasons. They have food sensitivities, a poorly developed digestive system, lip and tongue ties and reflux, and the list goes on. Every baby is unique and so I have to figure out what is going on with that particular baby. Your nursing journey may be so smooth and easy for one baby and so challenging for the next. Throughout your mothering journey you will always be needing to adjust and learn. This is an opportunity and a gift. Embrace it and do the work. You will survive or thrive! I have nursed each baby to well over a year old despite overwhelming challenges with each one. 

  You are becoming the expert for your particular baby. It is a totally new learning curve and if you are breast feeding no one else is going to be filling in. It can be bewildering and mind blowing and it is exhausting and exhilarating. Be a fighter, be brave, don't give up to easily. If you end up giving your baby formula; look at the ingredients. Think about their future long term and what you are putting in their bodies. Choose wisely. If you can't make enough milk offer the breast first and top up after with formula after so that your baby can still get those nutrients and closeness to you. It is a gift to them and to you. 

  Another challenging era in breastfeeding can be when they start to get teeth and bite you! This is such an excruciating part and some babies are brutal. This really depends on their age and personality. I have had some babies bite me one time and my exclamation of pain caused them so much distress they never bit me again! I had one baby get so mad at me that they refused to nurse for many hours after. I had one baby not care one bit about them causing me pain! They are often all so different. Many mothers give up during this stage and I understand why. It is really hard. However once again, you can persevere through and with training and trial and error they do stop biting. I am currently nursing an almost two year old with all her teeth and she does not bite me.

  Weaning a child is also not often an easy situation. There are many reasons to wean a baby and if you are the human soother to your child this is going to be very very hard for them. To them you and you alone are the key to their comfort. You will need much patience and grace to accommodate their need but also to gently ease them into another chapter in their life. Do your research and make sure you don't damage your attachment with your child through this process. For a child who also has a soother and bottle it seems to sometimes be an easier process but not always. Think about how you can still be a safe, warm comfort to your baby without them needing your breast. I have personally chosen not to wean my babies and they nurse until they are done. This is not an easy choice but it has been something I have chosen to do. Each child has chosen very different time frames to nurse. 

I wanted to add one final thing. If you cannot have a child yourself and adopt a baby did you know you can induce lactation and breast feed! It takes some work and dedication but you do have that option if you have breasts. It may be something worth looking into. One of the main focuses with adoption needs to be attachment attachment attachment. Your baby has gone through immense trauma in losing their birth mother no matter the age. Breastfeeding your adopted baby can be a priceless gift to both you and your child.

  Motherhood is not about you if you think about it. You have chosen to lay down the rest of your life for this child you have grown or been gifted if you are a healthy aware mother. Most of mothering is about choosing to do what is best for your child even if it isn't comfortable for you (with healthy boundaries and self care of course). Breastfeeding is a sacrifice. You need to eat well, get rest, hydrate, and your body is not your own. It is hard to continue to share your body after the nine months of pregnancy! When you do your research and realize all that breastfeeding does for your child you will realize it is worth it! I cannot stress enough that there is great value in laying down self and giving with kindness. 

  Do your best and be blessed :) Also remember that you are not supposed to do this on your own. Ask for help and support and do not feel ashamed to do so. You have so many precious precious moments coming your way on your breastfeeding journey. 

 Lots of love,

Tansy

xoxoxoxoxo