I Hope That They Will Bloom

   I always have this longing and I think it is the best thing to have. I long to be more than I am. I long to spread my wings and I long to unfurl and bloom. 

  Yesterday I was able to go outside into the front yard with my husband and do some yard work. He does not find a lot of joy in acts of service and he does not find a lot of joy in yard work so this very rarely happens. He was willing to do exactly what I asked. My front yard was wild and looked uncared for. It was an embarrassment for me. To work out there and to tame it a little felt amazing. There was this point while I was pulling out tufts of grass from between the curb and driveway ~ green was growing in the most impossible place. It held on with such firmness and as I pulled it away many tiny insects were displaced. Was it the right choice? To edge a driveway because of pride? Why did I think about this? Why did I care? 

  We cut down about four walnut trees and an acorn tree as well. Squirrels had kindly planted them for us but not in the right places. They had grown so quickly and so faithfully and were many feet taller than myself. My husband had to use a chainsaw and ear protection. Some type of orange Poppy had completely taken over a pathway and you could not traverse it. It is all gone now and the path is free to walk on. It looks clean and kept, but the bright profusion of tangerine is gone. 

  Is it truly better? This is the thing. I don't know. I always want to know. What is right? What is best? As my mind goes over this it circles to parenting. What is right? What is best? How do I not make a mess of things. Each of my children have been wounded by me. In my heart I want to be so much more and I want to be light and happy and creative and energetic and I am none of those things with any sort of regularity. I am burdened and way too tired. I could dig forever to find a way out of this and never get anywhere. So the Poppies are gone and so are the flowering bushes that I didn't even know the name of and the Purple Irises and mint. Grass is planted there now to make things easier. Was that right? Was it best? Can I not just throw off shackles and laugh? Can I not just summon energy to bless me? What will my children say of me when they are grown. I hear some things they say now. I am ashamed, and will they ever be able to see my heart?

   I wanted to grow raspberry bushes in straight rows with a pole at each end and a line to help them hold up their heads. The raspberries grew but I never planted the poles in the earth and weeds overtook them and they are all but gone. I wanted to have blueberry plants and they were planted but never grew. Not even an inch. This is what did happen. Last year we did have raspberries and they were little thimbles of happiness. They brought joy and I can plant rasberries again sometime. My baby grew (unlike the blueberries) and she has blossomed. She is running and jumping and talking and laughing and hugging and kissing and full of light. In amongst the frailty or my trying there is light. Even as the Poppies are taken away and the green pulled away from the edges of my driveway I know that seeds will still be scattered and the insects will find a new home. I see my children growing even in my failings. I see them learning and trying and failing too. I see how they struggle as I have ~ my struggles passed on to a new generation. I hope they will plant new seeds and grow in ways I have not been able to. I hope they can marvel in the raspberries and put poles in the ground so the raspberries can hold up their heads. I hope their blueberry bushes will thrive. I hope they will feel rooted, joyful, creative, and that they will spread their wings, unfurl and bloom.