A Day

I wonder how life is going out there for anyone who reads this? Who are you? How has your day gone? Are you doing okay? Are you happy?
Today went quite well for me. My sister moved in with us a little while ago and after she moved in I had a bit of an emotional break down. I had been trying to be strong for a long time and I was so tired. The last few days I have felt a bit of a shift from oh so done to maybe I can keep going now. I never really feel like the choice is mine because I am a mom. No matter how tired or upset or bad I feel things are I have to stick around and keep on keeping on. So that is what I do.
Anyway today was just a day. That was nice. I took my oldest to school in the morning, then my mom took my two middle children to the library and my sister took the baby and I took a meal to my friend as she had a baby a while ago. It was nice to go somewhere and talk to someone without having to intercept a busy baby every moment. I could almost talk normally and semi focus. When I came home it was time to make lunch and do dishes and get the children outside. So I got boots on the baby and the eight year old wore shorts and flip flops and the five year old wore a yellow minion shirt and some pants and out we went. I cleaned out the bunny cage and they fought mostly but there was no blood so I felt like it was, well it was manageable. The baby happily tromped around in his boots and ate dirt. After outside time I dropped the two middles off at a drama class and picked up the oldest. It was then time to start dinner and get the oldest focused on homework. The days just go like this and I keep looking out my windows and just loving the sun and how it hits the mountain or the glimpse of church steeples I see, or the hint of fall color from a neighbors tree.
 I picked up the middles after their class. Their teacher was in tears because she felt like the class had gone so badly and because my oldest son has such extreme anxiety I was able to tell her she was doing something majorly right as he happily goes to class every Tuesday and I dont have to stay. It is so amazing to have this a part of my week. We went home and I got my sister and my oldest and myself making dinner and the two middles watching Paw Patrol and the baby was doing what babies do at times like these. Daddy came home and that is always a moment of glee for all the children :) Our dinner time was insane. I dont usually make dinner but this night we had the first salad in about a year, some steak, mashed sweet potato and peas. The baby ended up throwing a lot of his on the floor, the five year old had to be spoon fed every bite and the eight year old who usually doesn't eat was trying to take meat from others plates. It was so noisy and crazy. We all got through and then the children were insane. So out they went into the dark to run and scream and let off steam. This resulted in my five year old actually falling asleep around seven. Usually this one is up until about ten and so to have that break tonight is amazing!!! Now if only the baby would fall asleep! I have some of the dishes done and part of the living room cleaned up but the rest of the house is a disaster and it always is. Today my eight year old only had one anxiety attack and the baby had two short naps. I managed to feed everyone three meals and I didn't feel completely overwhelmed and exhausted all day. Yay :) I hope no matter how hum drum or totally crazy your day was you had some super lovely moments.

Beautiful

  What woman's blog (because wow... I am a woman(not a girl anymore) ~ not sure when exactly that happened but here I am) would seem right if it did not discuss beauty in some form? Today I feel the same as usual in that I showered at around noon, did not do my hair, have no makeup on and I wore horible PJ's all morning. My husband is home today though and he just kept commenting on how beautiful I was. I got annoyed as usual and tried to shut out the words but he was so sweet and sincere I couldn't just throw them away.
  Lines that go through my head when I think about beauty (because his kindness got me thinking about it) are things like, 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder,' and 'thin means beautiful,' and 'tall means beautiful' and 'hair that is styled and a put together outfit is beautiful' and when I think about women I view as beautiful ( if I dont know them) a lot of them pretty much fit all those prototypes. So when it really comes down to it...I am the farthest away from physically beautiful in my mind. Sad right? When I get to thinking about why I think those things about beauty I realize it is rooted in messages from childhood, it is rooted in media, things said to me when I was a teen, and its pretty much just the same as every other girl out there who struggles I think.
   Lately I have been struggling even more than usual with my self esteem because ever since the last baby I have not been able to drop weight. I also had a much bigger baby then my other ones and so my skin is stretched and different and it is just not something I had to ever deal with before. I also have separated stomach muscles. I also have candida overgrowth. Put that all together and I just sort of feel flabby and sick and gross...a lot.
 All of this combined has not helped me want to spend time on myself. If I try to pick a nice outfit I once again realize my clothes dont fit and if I want to do my hair I realize once again how overwhelmed I am with this awesome hair I have. It is so thick anything I do with it takes a long time and usually the baby is banging and crying at the bathroom door. If I let him in he is turning on the washer and getting into the toilet and so my times spent on myself are hurried at best. I am not complaining about this at all. I have never been one to spend a lot of time 'prettying up' and I so respect and admire the ones who do. It's not like the baby is forcing me to sacrifice something and I am thankful for this awesome hair....its just how things are at the moment! Even if I had all the time in the world I would probably still look exactly the same!!!
 Where am I going with all this? Beauty ~ when I really stop though, and pick everything apart in my mind about beauty, and what I have decided ~ going past the messages from childhood and the messages from the world out there....I realize that I think beauty for me has transcended skin a long time ago. In high school was when beauty really started being pushed. I really realized who was beautiful (and popular!) and who wasn't. After a while though I realized that beauty went far past hair and eye color and eye lashes. Beauty had to do with A LOT more than that.
  Beauty doesn't last all that long in regards to perfect blemish free skin and amazing hair etc. Beauty really does have to do with who we are deep down to our core. I don't know if your mind has even been blown by some one stunningly beautiful but after a time you realize that their beauty has shifted into something totally different because of how horribly they treat others or their selfishness? They look the same on the outside but because of the lack inside your eyes see their beauty in a whole different light?
  My husband loves me and he loves how I look. He chose me after all and so I have to believe that he thought me beautiful. However all that is exterior is changing,'shifting,' and fading pretty darn quick (I can't believe how quick!) and I feel like inside I am not as beautiful as I would like to be. I whine and complain A LOT. I am grumpy and moody and not fun to come home to. I really REALLY want these things to change. I want to feel healthy yes, and I want to take care of my skin and hair yes, but most importantly I want what is inside me to captivating. I want a smile that is sincere, eyes that are kind and soft, a heart that is open and giving and a soul that is cleansed of bitterness and hurt. I want a spirit that is aching for truth and light and I want to feel whole and accept love.
 We all have such potential to be these stunning, glorious, glowing beings that radiate the best beauty that can be found. I think it takes even more work then some of the girls out there that work out every day and do so much to preserve their perfection. It takes everything because it takes making choices every day. I have fallen so far from where I was trying to get to a couple years ago when I had this fresh in my mind. I must be getting more sleep lately if my mind is starting to try to think these kind of thoughts again. That or I have been such a grump that I can't even stand myself!
   Either way when you look in the mirror today....even if you haven't showered in days and you have dropped every sort of physical standard of beauty for whatever reason ~ it's okay. All is not lost! When you look in the mirror the beauty is right there ~ staring you in the face because like it or not you are beautiful. If you feel like all your beauty has been lost....Jesus thinks you are beautiful no matter what has happened. He thinks your beauty is perfect and he sees every sparkle of beauty you have.
  You are beautiful though because everyone is created with beauty. Enhance it by bringing the beauty from the inside out. If you have let a lot of that beauty go you might have to look back and figure out where you lost it....but it can be found. Beauty ~ it starts from the quality of your soul and the openness and light in your spirit. That beauty will draw in and spill out on all who are around you if you let it.  So that's happy right? Thanks to my husband for his sweetness in getting me thinking about this again. I want to live in this so hopefully my daughters will have a healthier more holistic view of beauty and so confidence, patience and kindness will go before me on even the darkest day.

This afternoon I slipped away for thirty minutes to have another moment with Autumn. It was once again just what I needed.

Home to Your Heart

  The splendor that surrounds us right now calls us home. Home to our hearts. To who we really are deep inside. It is so easy to get caught up in the rip tide of life. We get sucked in or pulled down or knocked over and we are gasping, fighting, crying, trying to keep up with it all and not get pulled out to a deep depths that swallow us whole.
 However it can all be stopped for a moment and in that moment it can be turned around. It takes work and it takes faith and it takes strength. How many of us are truly strong enough to do it? To find the home in our hearts? To find that root of who we really are deep down ~ if we have veered off the path or found ourselves lost. Everyone is strong enough. We really are strong. No matter how bad things have gotten the precious you is still there, that soft, lighted up, smiling, beautiful, strong, valiant and talented YOU. YOU are not gone. You are not forever lost.
 Every year where I live the world illuminates in color all around me in Autumn. It is a different illumination then Spring but it is just as powerful. It is preparing for the sleep of winter, the cold and grey. However it doesn't just bow low, hunched shoulders, defeated. It prepares with song and color and it soars high and free. This picture is so incredible beautiful to me. It is one of strength and endurance and celebration. This building has withstood so much. Our bodies are the same. Yours may feel like this building looks....old and weathered and sagging and grey...but at the same time think about how much work went into this building, how much vision and how much laughter and tears and life has taken place in it. Your body may be weary and your heart bowed low but if you look around you for a moment right now your body, yourself, is surrounded by the celebration of Autumn. This celebration and all this color ~ its for YOU. Also, your body had had much laughter and work and vision and tears put into it too. It has history and beauty and worth. So today ~ right now ~  take a moment and let it sink in...the color, the crispness, the crunch of the leaves, the misty mornings, the smell of wood burning, the geese calling over head, and you can do this. You can keep going on throughout the winter and the cold and the grey. It takes work and it takes perseverance and it takes truth but you can do it. So keep on, keep on and don't give up. Get out there into this world that we all share, that we all have been placed in, open up and let light in, go pursue the help you need and the love that is there waiting. Come home to your heart, to your healing, to your preciousness.

Baby

 A new baby. I met a little girl today just a few days old. She has been born into an adoring home filled with so much love. Her little face is so fresh. She has been cradled so patiently in her mothers body and now she is in her mother's arms. Her life will be filled with love and it was so precious to meet her. I know of another little one....born to a mother who had rejected her from the start. She was given up for adoption and was given so much love for three weeks only for the birth mother to decide she now wanted her back. The grief of these newly hopeful parents. They got to love her for such a short time and now she is being taken away. Every day on this earth there is such heart break and sorrow and shattering and every day on this earth there is such beauty and celebration and adoration. Our hearts hope for the good to be present. Our hearts hope for the strength to keep on going when our shoulders are daily bowed with grief and suffering. Our hearts hope for those moments of illumination and strength. So often we feel alone on the days of our darkest hours but we are never alone truly.
 Oh sweet baby ~ no matter what happens to you ~ you are loved so deeply and richly and fully. May that love burrow deeply in your spirit and let it never ever escape you. As you grow, no matter what you face may these first three weeks of your life on earth ~ filled with so much love and so much adoration and joy....may they mark you forever and never leave you. May you be filled with joy and laughter and may the ones who have so freely and so beautifully welcomed you ~ may they know that you can never be the same, because they swept in and banished the rejection and the pain, and they filled you with love.

Being Spontaneious (I dont even know how to spell it!!!)

My husband had to work yesterday (Saturday). He doesn't usually work on Saturdays but he had decided to try to create (as in design) and make a custom concrete mantle and posts for some clients. He took a long time making forms, pouring, then sanding and just getting it all ready over the last couple months. Together everything was about nine hundred pounds and so this was an intense undertaking. Yesterday he installed it. When he got home it was about four in the afternoon and I asked him if he wanted to go to Lumby. I had heard a friend of mine that I used to work with a few years back had just opened a coffee shop there fulfilling a huge dream. I was so excited for him and I wanted to go visit!!! Well I am not a spontaneous person at all (so much so that I have no clue how to even spell the word)! I like to plan and organize and budget before we do anything.My husband is the opposite though. So when my pearl of a sister was willing to watch my two middle children and Nana was willing to watch my oldest (and this all came together in about five minutes) and the baby comes with me everywhere we literally threw some clothes in a bag and left!
 The drive was magnificent. We live in such splendor in this corner of the world. I took my camera and took lots of crooked pictures :) So thankful for digital as I am a slow learner with this new camera! We slept in Vernon then in the morning we went to Lumby. It is a tiny beautiful town. We loved it and we loved the coffee shop. It was so cozy and wonderful. The purpose of it is for people to connect and be together. The whole time we were there people were doing just that. My friend dreamed a dream and he and his family have worked so hard to make it come to reality.  I was so incredibly impressed by his accomplishments. So proud of him for this dream come true. I think the people of Lumby are very very blessed. It was such a great time for my husband and I. We have been tired and scrappy lately and this time away helped us remember some good things about each other. We laughed a lot and everyone (the children and caregivers) survived. It was just wonderful :)

In Memory of Treasure

It is a month of crimson leaves and crisp mornings and it is also the month put aside to remember babies who were lost too soon. Tonight is candle lighting night and tonight I am thinking of what I went through back in 2004. I don't often think about my first pregnancy and subsequent miscarriage anymore. It is still traumatic I think. Although once a year on a certain day I let myself remember for a little while. It is a hard day. 
 One of the hardest parts about my loss, among the many, was that the doctor told me there was 'most probably never any baby to begin with' and so I always feel confused about how I am to feel. I don't understand the logistics of it all. Sometimes I feel like I am supposed to just say ~ there had to be something there because an egg and sperm joined did they not in order for all that happened in side me to happen ~ so I can tell myself that there was a baby to grieve. Then other times I feel like maybe I don't have that right. Its confusing. My miscarriage started at nine weeks gestation and it was the miscarriage 'experience' that lasted for five months. I had a molar pregnancy but when the miscarriage started no one realized it was molar at first. I remember the words of the technician as I lay on the bed with a agonizingly full bladder, 'there is no baby in there that I can see....just a lot of blood,' and I remember my heart shattered. My mom was waiting for me in the waiting room and I had to go out and tell her and her face went grey. I had no idea what a 'normal' miscarriage was and so after a couple weeks time when I had not stopped bleeding I went to the doctor who sent me in for another ultrasound. I was weak by this time and so drained from loss of blood. The technician knew something was very wrong and that evening I had an emergency D and C. Unfortunately I lost a lot of blood and no one payed attention to how much and so I was not able to go home afterwards as I could not properly regain consciousness. I had to stay in the hospital alone in the dark passing in and out of consciousness all night while they pumped me full of fluids. I would keep waking up and would need use the facilities and would try to get out of bed and fall on the floor senseless. My stomach was in so much pain and I was so cold and I felt myself drifting away. I don't know why I was alone but my husband and I were so young and we had no idea what was happening. I guess I thought he should get a good night sleep? I just remember how dark it was. It was so awful. In the morning they decided I needed a blood transfusion or two.
  Unfortunately during the D and C they missed some 'cells' and weeks later (after the bleeding had never stopped) after I was passing massive blood clots and hemorrhaging they realized that I had a large tumor growing in my uterus. I had no warning or even a clear explanation of what was happening but all of a sudden I got a call from a hospital while I was at work telling me I had to go there immediately. When I asked why they told me I had to start chemotherapy that day. I remember calling my husband not even sure what to tell him as I had no clue what that even really meant. My friend drove me there and I was given a salmon pink booklet called, 'Chemotherapy and You' and they told me to read it over. I sat in a bed in the radiation room because they had no other room available and tried to read the book. I felt so overwhelmed. What was going to happen to me? I am glad I had no clue.When the nurses would give me the chemo they had to suit up in a special suit and they had to pump me full of fluid first so my body could handle the poison.  Seven rounds I had. I would go out to a hospital that was over an hour away. A hospital that was dirty and disgusting (so much so that I brought my own cleaning supplies). I stayed at the hospital for two days and two nights every two weeks. I was the youngest person in BC to ever have gone through this at the time and so they had no clue what to do with me as usually they would have just taken my uterus out, but at twenty two they didn't think that would be fair to me. The chemo was too strong at first and so my body was covered in sores and although they had told me my hair would not fall out it started to fall out in massive clumps. Anyway through all this I just remember the intense emptiness my heart felt. I cried so many tears. I would lay on the couch at night because I would cry so much and I didn't want to disturb my husband. We had only just been married a year and we had no tools to handle something this massive and deep. We pulled away from each other in our grief as we handled it so differently and it felt so dark. There are so many traumatizing memories on so many different levels of it all. Losing the baby and losing that innocence. Doctors and how they treated me. Having to break the hearts of my parents and grandparents that I had just told were going to be grandparents and great grandparents for the first time. It just went on and on. 
I made it through and finished chemo.
 I tried to get back to living again but everything had changed. The miscarriage marked me and I feel like I have never been able to fully recover from it all. The trauma and effects on our marriage also have left scars I can't seem to shake. I feel such a deep grief for all the mama's out there who have lost their babies. When you lose a baby you lose a piece of yourself that never returns while you are on this earth. Always there is a piece of you gone. It is sad and it is dark and it is hard. I have found that joy does come after the grief and beauty does come from ashes but the journey is not an easy one and shadows linger. As mothers ~ because we are that ~ we must soldier on, but it is not easy. Our arms ache to be full with the one(s) we never got to hold.

An Autumn Drive

 The misty haze of Autumn. We went for a drive today to say goodbye to something that we will all miss. The drive there was filled with glimpses of scarlet that was not to be ignored.

 The viscosity of water is so delicate and the way rain jewels all it touches never fails to capture my eye.

 There is so much graceful movement in nature as it expresses its praise in all its forms.

The vibrancy of this green against this age old building is stunning to me.

 I can imagine the strength of the one who had to saw these logs and then fit them together to make a home to make a life in.

 

 

Open Up Let the Light In

I have known darkness. Have you? Have you had something taken and when it was gone you realized how precious it really was? Has it left lingering shadows? Can you not shake it off? You have days where you forget and then again it comes. A couple years ago my husband and I were in a place where a recession had left us quite destitute. His business has been struggling for so long. We could not keep up with our payments of any kind. One of our children had been struggling with health issues for years and we were so worn out. We didn't know where to turn and an opportunity came up. Essentially we were offered an opportunity to turn a massive shed into a house and move onto a family farm. It seemed to good to really comprehend. We went into the situation feeling optimistic but realistic we hoped. My husband is an incredible craftsman and handy man and he transformed this storage shed into something beyond my wildest dreams. The fact that it was tin on the outside and had a sign that said shipping and handling on the outside and was next door to a barn was even more perfect to me. The fact that the only heating was a massive wood stove was bliss. There were so many parts about this space that I adored. The best thing though was that my back yard was a massive field overlooking mountains and every night the sunset blazed true. When I was younger I had lived on a farm and had been transformed and shaped by the beauty there. It has set a longing in me and when I had had to leave it it had hurt me. Moving to this place and getting to be in this beauty was so healing for me. My children loved so many aspects of the house and the surrounding freedoms the land offered. However as it seems in my life darkness is always near, waiting. It pounced with ferocious force. In the end we had to move quickly and I had to say goodbye to a lot. Relationships, beauty, space and things that I didn't want to let go. I cant describe how hard this was for me. In my head I feel like other people would not understand. They would say ~ too bad but move on and obviously that is what I have had to do. However we moved from a massive house to a basement suite that was underground...it was winter time and there was a fifteen minute window of time where a shaft of sunlight shone onto my kitchen counter if the sun was out. I quickly learned to treasure that. I could also see a bit of an apple tree when I was sitting on my couch and I also learned to hold that in my heart and enjoy the birds that spent time there all winter. However a great darkness gripped me. I felt so grieved. I couldn't cry enough tears of betrayal and agony. My children were so wounded. It caused rifts in precious relationships as they lashed out. So many things left me reeling I just wanted healing and wanted to feel like somehow all of this hadn't been taken. It wasn't just the house that we had put so much into, it wasn't just the loss of the beauty of the wild fields and nightly sunsets, it was so much more.
 It has been almost two years now since we had to leave. We have moved on in so many ways. We have a house that we can afford. My husband has a job and we have a back yard. We are blessed beyond measure. We have not fully recovered however. My children are still wounded. The other day something came up about it all and I saw the pain in my husband's eyes that mirrored my heart on so many dark days. We don't talk about it much because there is no point and nothing will change it all. When we drive past the place and I see the house and the field  and I turn my face away. When I saw his eyes I felt that darkness again. I have fought it mightily and it has been defeated on more than one occasion. It has been sent down to where it should be and I have opened up to let the light in. Every day I open my eyes and pull myself up out of wherever I have layed my head and the first thing I want to do is open up the blinds to let in the light. I try to send my soul out there somewhere for a minute to welcome it. I have usually had a long night in the trenches and so opening up to let the light in is the first thing to do so that I can shake off the night and start another day.
 If you are filled with darkness I wanted to say something.  You dont have to live like that forever. It is not a place with any good in it. I have struggled with darkness a lot. I am not sure of all the reasons. Research suggests it is in my genes and I can understand that. However it does not mean I just bow to it. I must have illumination. One day I went to church and a girl sat down beside me and asked me if she could pray for me. I did not know her well but she sat beside me, put her hand on mine and prayed AGAINST darkness. It was so powerful. I felt it leave me. I can't explain it but it happened. Tonight as I feel a lingering ache, my body feels heavy, I feel that betrayal and loss again and I must release it. I feel the darkness yawning close wanting to welcome me with open arms. I will not go to it.
I hope that if you are in darkness someone will come close and show you a way to the light ~ if you want to get there. Open up ~ let the light in.

Mother Blessing

Last night I went to a mother blessing. I have not attended one quite like this before and I wanted to respond to it and also share it with you.
I drove out to another town. It took a while through rain and traffic. The baby slept  the whole way and really the drive was wonderful in its quietness. The day had been harried and my nerves were shot so the drive was healing. I arrived perfectly on time which is rare for me. Then I went into my friend's house (the expectant mother) while she readied and we drove the rest of the way to the blessing together. When we arrived the house was already full of women. They were all so beautiful and the energy held a welcoming sweetness. Everyone was there to celebrate this beautiful mother and they were filled with well being, vulnerability, and also joy to give of themselves to her. In the kitchen drinks were being made, treats being prepared and a lovely one was preparing a crown of flowers. We had been asked to bring blessing words and some flowers for a crown and so we did. The crown was stunning. One of the most beautiful I have seen. The expectant mother was crowned and sat down on the floor in the middle of the room. Friends gathered round and one friend with a soul that has been refined in many fires danced around and with her (this mother is a dancer and so this ministered to her deeply). It is hard to explain the dance and hard to express the beauty of it especially if you have not taken part in a dance by one who's soul shines through every movement. I think everyone was in tears and all for their own reasons. This dance was just that beautiful and that raw.
This baby that is coming, every baby that is coming ~ is a miracle. This friend of mine ~ her heart had cried out for this baby for a long time. Each friend there had journeyed with her through this. Each individual there had seen her heart for what it was and longed right along with her for this precious one. When a baby comes it is usually celebrated in all its glory with a baby shower or before it comes it is celebrated in the same way, but there is something to be said for a mother blessing shower. This mother who has sacrificed her body for all the months, who is awaiting the labor with is pain and unknowns, a mother who is often deeply in need of some lifting up and nurturing. After the dance we got out our written words and read to her our blessings. They were heart felt and full of love and admiration of her journey and celebrated who she was in all her forms. To try to describe the feeling of the room is almost impossible but if you imagine feeling your happiest, most nurtured, most truly beautiful...I think that would have been how this sweet mother felt. I wish every mother was able to have friends and family like the ones who filled the living room yesterday evening. It was memorable and sacred and beautiful.
All you tired mothers ~ heavy with child ~ who are in need of a mother blessing ~ who will not have this opportunity ~ know that you are indeed wonderful. You are amazing, lovely, precious, vulnerable and seen by the One who loves you the most. You have sacrificed much and are doing well. Be blessed and filled with strength. Be crowned with beauty and dignity. You are blessed. xo

October Skies

 It is October and I think October is one of my favorite months. The leaves are still thick on the trees but they are in the midst of a wardrobe change and one that is so incredibly stunning. Today the mountains were shrouded in mist that lay low and ethereal, the trees were garbed in yellow and scarlet and greens and the sky was a bit of a smokey blue. The sky in October in the earlier mornings is just a bit different than any other time. Everything here goes through such a vast Autumnal change. Animals prepare to survive whatever type of weather is going to come, trees prepare to lose their raiments and to be a bit bleak, the fields revived again after summers heat are glorious before mud takes over; and fall flowers are still abundant before the first frost lays their heads low. Today the rain was making the air thick and damp and the fields were such a brilliant green. I wanted to take off and go walking through the woods alone because I know exactly how it would sound and feel and I was craving it. When I was young I lived on a farm that had woods in the back. I had to walk through a large field, over a creek and then into quiet woods. Sometimes if I sat still enough I'd catch a glimpse of a wild one. Today I was driving in the morning out to drop my eldest off at camp and I caught a glimpse of the mountains and field and sky and it took me back there to the walk of field and woods and quiet. It was only for a moment but I felt that calming happiness that I used to feel when I was there. It was a certain type of feeling. I couldn't heed the call today. I went home to motherhood but the moment of memory helped me navigate the wild day. It was lovely.

Oh How I Miss Your Voices

Back in the day...when I was eleven I remember talking to my friend Amanda on the phone for hours. I remember baking cream puffs over the phone with her one afternoon. I think hers turned out perfectly and mine were flops. When I lived on the island and was a homeschooler my friends and I lived all over the place and trying to convince our parents to drive the half an hour or whatever it took to see each other didn't always work. So we talked and talked on the phone...with long cords. There were no cordless phones back then. When I was in highschool I would talk on the phone to my friends late into the night. Often we did homework together (over the phone) and this was before the time of two phone lines so I guess anyone who needed to call our house would have to give up. I had a cordless phone by then.  I remember my great grandfather calling our home at least once a week and us talking to him and my mom talking to him when I was really little. I remember when my boyfriend (now husband) was in Africa the hundreds of dollars I spent on phone bills because I called him on the phone. There was no skype or face time then and emails just didn't cut it. When I was a new mom my friends often called and we'd chat as we made snacks, washed dishes and laundry and our little ones crawled around us. Maybe we couldn't be together in person but we were together in spirit. A couple years ago my friend and I called each other every single day to talk and pray together in the mornings. That lasted almost two years. It was a time in my life of a lot of growth and healing and so much of that came because or our phone conversations. I have realized lately that my phone just doesn't ring anymore. At least not how it used to. I get a call from a friend maybe once a week if I'm lucky. I am not a cell phone user. I hate them actually. I have a cell phone that used to be my husbands and sometimes I text people on it. However I dont carry it around and often it is dead in a drawer somewhere. I think that even my own dear friends have lost the art of picking up a phone and dialing and calling. Or else I have become someone that people really dont want to talk to. Whatever the case is I just had a moment today where I missed the times when my phone would ring. The cheery or teary voice on the other end was a moment of connection and it was precious. I miss those moments. I love my friends and I am sad that cell phone texting has replaced the art of just dialing and talking. I know that being a mom means conversations are always interrupted and its hard to have deep conversations because of that but I miss voices. I miss the talking. It is funny that absolutely everyone has phones but relationships have become different and I don't know if the different is good.
That's all
XO

Freedom Melody

I am dedicating this to my friend Shanda.
Her and I met as babies in church. We went to school together and we would bring our rabbits over to each others houses to play together. However we both moved away from our mutual town and disconnected. When we were twenty years old we ended up randomly living together in a house where we reconnected. Living there brought about us becoming such close friends. At that time her boyfriend was living in Jamaica and mine was living in Africa and we both wracked up huge phone bills. We both ended up marrying those boyfriends. When we lived at this house together I slept in the living room on a couch and she had the bedroom. The living room had a wood stove in it that 'heated' the house which meant that I was boiling hot and she was freezing cold ever night. Sometimes we'd switch sleeping spots. We didn't really have money and we were both students. There was a key board in the living room where I slept and sometimes I'd play piano for her and we'd just be. There were four children in the house we lived in on and one big dog and it was a super tiny house so it would be a snatched moment of quiet if everyone was out. It would always feel super special. I sometimes miss those days but only because Shanda was near me. For twelve years we have lived far apart and have only seen each other a handful of times but we keep in touch pretty faithfully.
I would have to say that she understands me on some of the deepest levels anyone ever could as we have have traveled some similar paths in life. Some days I so badly wish I could just sit down and have a cup of tea with her while our children play. So far that has happened about three times since we both have had children. I miss her a lot and every time I talk to her I feel renewed and totally validated. It's amazing. I don't know what the future holds but I do hope that at some point it holds us being neighbors for a while. It would be pretty amazing. So Shan ~ here is to us meeting again that year before the rest of our lives began. We had no clue what was coming. We had so many stars in our eyes and yet we didn't. We just had a lot of hope. Here is to never losing that hope and to keeping on pursuing what we know is vital to our souls and for our children's futures.  Love ya xo

Pour down on me
Freedom melody
Cascade and drench me
In your song
I've been mired in failure
Tied up and broken
I'm ready to fight now
To be truely undone
Wading into
A river of healing
Dunking my head
Baptism of grace
Dancing under
A storm of deliverance
Freedom melody
Pour down on me
Sink past my skin
Through all that has held back
Saturate every part that is me
Fill up my spirit
So I'm overflowing
Freedom melody
Pour down on me